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IS MY HUSBAND VERBALLY ABUSIVE?....HE SAYS THINGS LIKE.......

 
Anonymous Coward (OP)
User ID: 868606
United States
01/20/2010 01:55 PM
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Re: IS MY HUSBAND VERBALLY ABUSIVE?....HE SAYS THINGS LIKE.......
He says things like: “You never do shit” “You’re a bad mother” You’re a bad wife” “You’re lazy” “I’m going to leave you if we lose everything” “You’re a piece of shit” “leave me the fuck alone” You never do ____” “You don’t love me” and the list goes on and on.

He also gets mad and upset a lot and he is known to throw things and breaks things when he gets upset. He is very critical with me and the children and he is always telling me what I feel and what I think. I have tried to talk to him but he tells me that is the way men act, when they get mad they hit and throw things.

He also tells me I’m just making things up and he does not have a problem. He tells me things like “If only I would clean the house the way he likes it then things would be better” or “If only I would have the children the way he likes them then things would be better” I have tried and tried to do things his way but nothing ever seems to work, I’m thinking that maybe I’m not the women for him.

He tells me that I’m too sensitive and that I need to toughen up. I just don’t know what to do anymore, I love him and we have children together, it is hard to just walk away. Does his behavior sound abusive or normal, am I just whining over petty stuff? He has never hit me but I am afraid that with his anger issues he may one day. Please give your honest opinions, I am so lost right now!








The real question, is...


Is he telling the truth, when he says you never do anything? That you are lazy, a bad wife and a bad mother, etc...?

It would only be abuse, if he is lying. Is he?




If he is not lying, then he needs to get away from you.

I've been following this post and I said some stuff about him being an abuser, but I have to admit there have been some good points made, like-
we don't know you, so how do we know these things he says aren't true?
Maybe you aren't pulling your share of the load and he's fed up. While you are thinking over whether or not to leave him, he may be getting ready to leave you.
Does he pay the bills? Do you appreciate that, or do you complain about what you don't have? Do you complain that he doesn't do enough around the house even though he works to support you and the kids? Maybe he thinks he's already doing more than his share.
I noticed your original post says that he says "You never do shit" and "I'm going to leave you if we lose everything" and "You don't love me". This could be a red flag! Are you spending more money than you have? Are you unappreciative of what he does and make him feel unloved and used? Are you sharing the responsibility or just letting him take care of you, while you don't contribute enough? He also says, "Leave me the fuck alone". Do you nag and complain?
I don't think you should take the advice of anyone here, actually. You two need counseling. If he won't go, go on your own, but be prepared to face your own faults too, not just his. Like someone else said, don't bring your problems for a bunch of strangers to solve, we don't even know all the details or his side. Go get help and try to save your marriage.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 739044



It’s totally understandable to think that maybe my husband says those things because they are true and I understand that because none of you really know me or know what I do day in or day out. So let me give examples.

1. One of our children was born with a birth defect and in the later months needed ER surgery. I was self employed at the time and was not making a lot of money and I had to be away from home so we had the children in daycare. After the ER surgery I just cried because I felt that his condition was exaggerated because I had him in daycare when I could be at home taking care of him. So I stopped working completely for a few years so that I could be home full time for my family. My husband hated it!!! But I could not leave my child in the care of others just to make money so that we could spend it on new gadgets and whatever trinkets we wanted and I told my husband that I‘m not working, until our child is in school!! So to his dismay I stayed home and cared for our child. Wow there is some really deep things that I just don’t feel comfortable discussing…but let me say that I have always tried to protect my family and I am NOT A BAD WIFE OR MOTHER!!! I can tell you that my husband knows it!!!

2. One day while I was assisting in a project that my husband wanted me to help with I made a mistake and then he started yelling “You don’t give a fuck about this because it’s not yours!” “Your lazy! I told you to be careful!” “Give me my shit!” and on and on!

3. One day my husband got upset about something, I can’t remember what it was but I know that it did not seem too serious to me but apparently to him it was and while driving he snatched my sandwich out of my hand and threw it out the window. ( I thought he was going to hit me and I was afraid and shaken after the incident)

4. I am a pretty thrifty person, I am careful to not over spend and I make most of my foods from scratch. I don’t get pedi’s or medi’s at the expensive salons or salons for that matter, I don‘t go to hair salons, I don’t own expensive furs and jewelry, I am not materialistic and I don’t compare my husband earnings to any man or person for that matter! I don’t complain about his lack of help around the house I often feel guilty if he has to do anything, even if I do need help sometimes. I show my love to him by listening to him and helping him achieve his dreams, I show him by cooking, washing his clothes, taking care of our children and home, things that I a woman should do!

5. I have my faults and I know what they are. I can spend more time on leisurely things then I should at times, I can over enjoy lazy days at times (on those days I’ll do just the basics…wash clothes, cook, bathe children etc.) I can procrastinate at times, I loose my focus on things sometimes (starting a project and then starting another one). All those things I try to work on and I mean I try and bad habits are hard to break but I continue to try until I get it right!

6. With al that said, my faults are just that faults they are not who I am! I am not LAZY, I do a lot…it’s just what I do is not always recognizable or for that matter as seen as important then a paycheck, I am not a BAD MOTHER! I love my children and I am there for them, they write me love songs and draw me pictures all the time they send me the most heartfelt cards on holidays and just because days, they talk to me, they share stories, dreams and hopes me, I play and laugh with my children, I know my children! I am not a BAD wife! I take care of my husband and I am very affectionate with him and I compliment him and tell him I love him everyday, I am supportive of him , I believe(d) him, I trusted him at one point in our marriage, I gave myself completely to my husband and believed him with all of my heart at one point in our marriage. A few months ago while we were going through our changes, he told me that “I took something broken & made it whole” he was talking about himself, he held my hand and said he meant that from his heart!

I am a woman who is constantly fighting with her emotions and mental state because the one I love is constantly telling me that it’s not that bad and that men do these things and he has never hit me or called me a Bitch so he is not the bad man I make him out to be! He tells me that a man should have control over his wife and children and that I have been out of control and that I am not submissive. I don’t do what it is he wants me to do even if I don’t agree with it I should do it! He said I should be whatever he needs me to be and do what he needs me to do! Do I agree with him???? In some ways I do but do I like being made to feel as though I can’t do anything right?? NO!! I have cried many tears folks, many times I have thought that he and the children would be better off without me because I can’t ever make him happy!! Then I think about my children and how sad they would be if I had abandoned them and I love them so much my world would have been unbearable for me….so here I am!
Anonymous Coward (OP)
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01/20/2010 02:16 PM
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Re: IS MY HUSBAND VERBALLY ABUSIVE?....HE SAYS THINGS LIKE.......
It just occurred to me after I wrote that reply that I am a person who feels the need to prove myself to those who doubt me! This post has been very therupuetic for me. I am glad that I have recognized and realized that truth and maybe that is one way to overcome this situation I am in.

I am always trying to show someone that I am sincere, that I am real, that what I say is the truth and that I’m not lying so I go through painstaking measures to show myself! I explain and re-explain myself countless times! How funny is that! I mean if I know MY TRUTH and you don’t believe me then why do I need to prove myself to you!

I am going to work on that fault of mine…no more trying to prove myself to others, I am who I am and I do what I do because it is who I am and I am a wonderful human being created by God and He knows my heart and I don’t have to prove it to him so why do I need to prove it to someone else! The truth is self evident and if a person can’t see it then it was not meant for them to have it anyways!


Thank you all!! For a wonderful thread and for all the ocmments good and bad, it was meant for me to do what I did even if it made no lick of sense to others...it don't matter because it was MEANT FOR ME and maybe someone else who might be going through the same thing.

THANKS!! hf hf
Anonymous Coward
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01/20/2010 02:18 PM
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Re: IS MY HUSBAND VERBALLY ABUSIVE?....HE SAYS THINGS LIKE.......
Here's a guide, honey. Be very careful.

Warning Signs of an Abusive Personality

It is sometimes possible to predict the likelihood of the person you are currently or are about to become involved with being abusive. Below are a list of behaviours and traits which are common in abusive personalities. These are commonly known as Warning Signs.

While not all abusive people show the same signs, or display the tendencies to the same extent, if several behavioural traits are present, there is a strong tendency toward abusiveness. Generally, the more signs are present, the greater the likelihood of violence. In some cases, an abuser may have only a couple of behavioural traits that can be recognized, but they are very exaggerated (e.g. extreme jealousy over ridiculous things).

Often the abuser will initially try to explain his/her behaviour as signs of his/her love and concern, and the victim may be flattered at first; as time goes on, the behaviours become more severe and serve to dominate, control and manipulate the victim.


Jealousy

At the beginning of a relationship, an abuser will always say the jealousy is a sign of love. He/she may question you about whom you have spoken to or seen during the day, may accuse you of flirting, or be jealous of time you spend with family, friends, children or hobbies which do not include him/her. As the jealousy progresses, he/she may call you frequently during the day or drop by unexpectedly. He may be unhappy about or refuse to let you work for fear you'll meet someone else, check the car mileage or ask friends to keep an eye on you. Jealousy is not proof of love, it is a sign of insecurity and possessiveness.

Controlling Behaviour

Controlling behaviour is often disguised or excused as concern. Concern for your safety, your emotional or mental health, the need to use your time well, or to make sensible decisions. Your abuser may be angry or upset if you are 'late' coming back from work, shopping, visiting friends, etc., even if you told him/her you would be later back than usual. Your abuser may question you closely about where you were, whom you spoke to, the content of every conversation you held, or why you did something he/she was not involved in. As this behaviour gets worse, you may not be allowed to make personal decisions about the house, clothing, going to church or how you spend your time or money or even make you ask for permission to leave the house or room. Alternately, he/she may theoretically allow you your own decisions, but penalise you for making the wrong ones. Concern for our loved ones to a certain extent is normal - trying to control their every move is not.


Quick Involvement



Many victims of abuse dated or knew their abuser for less than six months before they were engaged or living together. The abuser will often claim 'love at first sight', that you are 'made for each other', or that you are the only person whom he could ever talk to so openly, feel so at home with, could understand him so well. He/she may tell you that they have never loved anyone so much or felt so loved by anyone so much before, when you have really only known each other for a short amount of time. He/she needs someone desperately, and will pressure you to commit to him/her or make love before you feel the relationship has reached 'that stage'. He/she may also make you feel guilty for not committing yourself to him/her.


Unrealistic Expectations


The abuser may expects you to be the perfect husband, wife, mother, father, lover, and friend. He/she is very dependent on you for all his/her needs, and may tell you he/she can fulfil all your needs as lover, friend, and companion. Statements such as: 'lf you love me, I'm all you need.', 'You are all I need.' are common. Your abuser may expect you to provide everything for him/her emotionally, practically, financially or spiritually, and then blame you for not being perfect or living up to expectation.


Isolation

The abuser may try to curtail your social interaction. He/she may prevent you from spending time with your friends or family and demand that you only go places 'together'. He/she may accuse you of being 'tied to your mother's apron strings', not be committed to the relationship, or view people who are your personal friends as 'causing trouble' or 'trying to put a wedge' between you. He/she may want to live in the country without a phone, not let you use the car, stop you from working or gaining further education or qualifications.


Blame-shifting for Problems

Very rarely will an abusive personality accept responsibility for any negative situation or problem. If they are unemployed, can't hold down a job, were thrown out of college or University or fall out with their family, it is always someone else's fault, be it the boss, the government, or their mother. They may feel that someone is always doing them wrong, or out to get him. He/she may make a mistakes and then blame you for upsetting him/her or preventing him/her from doing as they wished to.


Blame-shifting for Feelings

The abuser will deny feelings stem from within him/her but see them as reactions to your behaviour or attitude toward him/her. He/she may tell you that 'you make me mad', 'you're hurting me by not doing what I ask', or that he/she cannot help feeling mad, upset, etc. Feelings may be used to manipulate you, i.e. 'I would not be angry if you didn't ...' Positive emotions will often also be seen as originating outside the abuser, but are more difficult to detect. Statements such as 'You make me happy' or 'You make me feel good about myself' are also signs that the abuser feels you are responsible for his sense of well-being. Either way, you become in his/her mind the cause of good and bad feelings and are therefore responsible for his/her emotional well-being and happiness. Consequently, you are also to blame for any negative feelings such as anger, upset or depression.


Hypersensitivity


Most abusers have very low self-esteem and are therefore easily insulted or upset. They may claim their feelings are 'hurt' when they are really angry, or take unrelated comments as personal attacks. They may perceive normal set-backs (having to work additional hours, being asked to help out, receiving a parking fine, etc.) as grave personal injustices. They may view your preference for something which differs from their own as a criticism of their taste and therefore themselves (e.g. blue wallpaper rather than pink, etc.).


Cruelty to Animals


The abuser may punishes animals brutally, be insensitive to their pain or suffering, or neglect to care for the animals to the point of cruelty, e.g. not feeding them all day, leaving them in areas he/she knows will cause them suffering or distress. There is a strong correlation between cruelty to animals and domestic violence which is still being researched. (For more information and personal experiences, see Domestic Violence and Cruelty to Animals.)


Cruelty to Children


The abusers unrealistic expectations of their partner are often mirrored in their attitude toward children. He/she will think of children as 'small adults' and blame the children for not being responsible, having common sense or understanding. He/she may expect children to be capable far beyond their ability (e.g. is angry with a two-year old for wetting their pants or being sick on the carpet, waking at night or being upset by nightmares) and will often meet out punishments for 'naughtiness' the child could not be aware of. Abusers may tease children until they cry, or punish children way beyond what could be deemed appropriate. He/she may not want children to eat at the table, expect them to stay quiet, or keep to their room all evening while he/she is at home. Since abusers want all your attention themselves, they resent your spending time with the children or any normal demands and needs the children may have. As above (cruelty to animals), there is a very strong link between Domestic Violence and Child Abuse.


'Playful' use of Force in Sex

He/she may pressurise you to agree to forceful or violent acts during sex, or want to act out fantasies where you are helpless. A male abuser may let you know that the idea of "rape" excites him. He/she may show little concern about whether you want to have intercourse and uses sulking or anger to manipulate you into compliance. Starting sex while you are sleeping, demanding sex when you are ill or tired, or refusing any form of intimacy unless you are willing to go 'all the way' can all be signs that he/she could be sexually abusive or sexually violent.


Rigid Gender Roles

Abusers usually believe in stereotypical gender roles. A man may expect a woman to serve him; stay at home, obey him in all things - even things that are criminal in nature. A male abuser will often see women as inferior to men, more stupid, unable to be a whole person without a relationship. Female abusers may expect the man to provide for them entirely, shift the responsibility for her well-being onto him or heckle him as being 'not a real man' if he shows any weakness or emotion.


Verbal Abuse

In addition to saying things that are meant to be cruel and hurtful, either in public or in private, this can include degrading remarks or running down any accomplishments. Often the abuser will tell you that you are 'stupid', could not manage without him/her. He/she may keep you up all night to 'sort this out once and for all' or even wake you at night to continue to verbally abuse you. The abuser may even say kindly things to your face, but speak badly about you to friends and family.


Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde


Very rarely do abusers conform to the stereotypical image of a constantly harsh, nasty or violent person, either in public or in private. More frequently the abuser portrays a perfectly normal and pleasant picture to the outside world (often they have responsible jobs or are respected and important members of the local community or Church) and reserves the abuse for you in the privacy of your own home. Nor are abusers always overtly abusive or cruel, but can display apparent kindness and consideration. This Jeckyll and Hyde tendency of the abuser serves to further confuse the victim, while protecting themselves from any form of suspicion from outsiders. Many victims describe "sudden" changes in mood - one minute nice and the next explosive or hysterical, or one minute happy and the next minute sad. This does not indicate some special "mental problem" but are typical of abusive personalities, and related to other characteristics such as hypersensitivity.




Drinking with Abuse


While neither drinking or the use of drugs are signs of an abusive personality, heavy drinking or drug abuse may be a warning sign and do increase the risks of abuse, especially violence, taking place. Often an abusive person will blame the drink for his/her abuse. However, a person who, knowing there is a risk he/she could be violent when drinking or on drugs, chooses to get drunk or high, is in effect choosing to abuse. The link between substance abuse and domestic abuse is still being researched, and it is apparent that while neither alcohol nor drugs necessarily cause violence, they do increase the risk of violence. (See What about alcohol and domestic abuse?)


History of Battering or Sexual Violence



Very rarely is abuse or violence a one-off event: a batterer will beat any woman he is with; a sexually abusive person will be abusive toward all his intimate partners. Situational circumstances do not make a person an abusive personality. Sometimes friends or family may try to warn you about the abuser. Sometimes the abuser may tell you himself/herself that he/she has hit or sexually assaulted someone in the past. However, they may further go on to explain that "she made me do it by ..." or in some other way not take responsibility and shift the blame on to the victim. They may tell you that it won't happen with you because "you love them enough to prevent it" or "you won't be stupid enough to wind me up that much". Once again, this is denying their own responsibility for the abuse, and shifting the responsibility for the relationship to remain abuse-free on to you. Past violence is one of the strongest pointers that abuse will occur. If at all possible, try to speak to their previous girlfriends.



Negative Attitude toward Women

Some men may tell you that you are different to all the women they have known before, who display a lack of respect of women generally or who talk negatively and disrespectfully of their previous wives or girlfriends. They may tell you that you are special, not like the others and that they consider themselves to be the luckiest man alive to have found the last decent woman. It is not likely to be long before they remember that you are a woman and don't deserve their respect.


Threatening Violence


This would obviously include any threat of physical force such as "If you speak to him/her again, I'll kill you", or "If any wife of mine acted like John's did, I'd give her a right seeing to". Threats are designed to manipulate and control you, to keep you in your place and prevent you making your own decisions. Most people do not threaten their mates, but an abuser will excuse this behaviour by saying "everybody talks like that.", maintaining he/she is only saying this because the relationship or you are so important to him/her, tell you you're "over-sensitive" for being upset by such threats, or obviously want to hurt him/her. Threats can also be less overt, such as "If you leave me, I will kill myself", or "You are so wonderful, I will never let you go/couldn't live without you".


Breaking or Striking Objects

The abusive person may break your treasured object, beat his/her fists on the table or chair or throw something at or past you. Breaking your things is often used as a punishment for some imagined misdeed on your part. Sometimes it will be justified by saying that now that you are with him/her, you don't need these items any more. Breaking your possessions also has the effect of de-personalising you, denying you your individuality or literally trying to break links to your past. Beating items of furniture or throwing objects will often be justified by saying you wound him/her up so much they lost control, once again shifting the blame for this behaviour on to you, but is actually used to terrorise you into submission. Only very immature or abusive people beat on objects in the presence of other people in order to threaten or intimidate them.


Any Force during an Argument


An abuser may physically restrain you from leaving the room, lash out at you with his/her hand or another object, pin you against a wall or shout 'right in your face'. Basically any form of force used during an argument can be a sign that actual violence is a strong possibility.


The above list was prepared with reference to

A Guide to recognizing Behaviors of Abusive persons, Cheektowaga Police Department, (link no longer active - sorry!)
Signs To Look For In A Battering Personality, free2bme2k, (link no longer active - sorry!)
my own experiences, and those of other survivors of DV with whom I have had the privilege of discussing this topic.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 769657



STFU before I smack you! You hurt my feelings because you're such an idiot!





Hold me..... tomato
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 1105070
United States
09/21/2010 12:01 AM
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Re: IS MY HUSBAND VERBALLY ABUSIVE?....HE SAYS THINGS LIKE.......
He says things like: “You never do shit” “You’re a bad mother” You’re a bad wife” “You’re lazy” “I’m going to leave you if we lose everything” “You’re a piece of shit” “leave me the fuck alone” You never do ____” “You don’t love me” and the list goes on and on.

Well no thats not really considered verbally abusive its more just expressing his feelings outwardly about your relationship and situation.
Its fairly usual for people in a relationship to vent like that.
Its better to talk, he seems to not be able to talk and lets it build up where he just blurts it out.
Stress causes this in any person who has enough stress.
It may not even be you, you may not even be those things its just how it seems to him when all the shit builds up on his shoulders.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 839198



Are you out of your ever loving mind?!! How would you feel if someone treated your daughter that way?? I can't believe what I have been reading here. I really can't.

It's abuse, pure and simple, not another word. Not another comment. No way in the world ANYONE EVER could justify this kind of treatment to another EVER. I said EVER.

I don't give a crap if that woman sat on her ass all day and didn't do a thing. I sure wouldn't if someone talked to me like that. Wait. I did. For 8 years of my life, and nearly ruined my daughter forever for staying that long.

If you love your children GET OUT NOW. Abusive men do not change for real until they lose everything for a long time. Just like an alcoholic, the more he's enabled, the more he knows he can get away with it.

This goes for women as well. I know plenty that nit pick and put down thier husbands to know end. We are to lift one another up, not tear them down. If you are married to a child like that, leave, and don't come back until you have gotten some help for yourself, or it will never change.

It is not okay, it is NEVER okay...got it?!!! 5a
Anonymous Coward
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09/21/2010 12:04 AM
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Re: IS MY HUSBAND VERBALLY ABUSIVE?....HE SAYS THINGS LIKE.......
Replace his use of the word YOU with I and think of him saying it.
He is telling on himself he just doesn't know it.

He takes it out on you because he is having problems adjusting to his own male energy.


Put in simple form... He is acting like a major asshole.

peace
if it walks like a DUCK
User ID: 924584
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09/21/2010 12:53 AM
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Re: IS MY HUSBAND VERBALLY ABUSIVE?....HE SAYS THINGS LIKE.......
yes he's verbally abusive...is he a beer drinker? harder liquor? drugs? hates his job? blue or white collar worker?just wondering no offence anyone anyway....you have got to get some books to figure him out...the numbers lady book and a chinese horoscope book...my husband was verbally abusive...a scorpio in the reg horoscope and a horse in the chinese...it helped me a lot...when he says something get examples of what he means...why are you a bad wife? not enough nooky?,mom???why? ask your kids in front of him get examples and work on it no one is perfect...are you spending too much time on the net? wasting money? or do you work hard all day and sit down at your comp just when he walks in the door? do it when he's not home then only...make sure your housework and shopping etc is done first...you don't have bedbugs do you? get those sheets washed...I used to make a list of what I did all day and make sure he saw it...1.dishes,washed kitchen floor,bathrooms.took out trash,did bedding and laundry,windows,wrote out bills,food shopping,made dinner,helped johnny with his homework,bathed the children,tucked them in....snuggled in front of the tv with my man and a cup of tea....what is there to complain about then? give each other a backrub...plan a vacation with him soon!!!maybe just the 2 of you...
Melodye

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09/21/2010 12:59 AM
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Re: IS MY HUSBAND VERBALLY ABUSIVE?....HE SAYS THINGS LIKE.......


Whenever I bring it to his attention he is quick to tell me that I'm bad and what is it that I do or what is the situation surronding him to make him lose control.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 868606


Classic verbal abuse and brainwashing. Of course its all your fault! Pffft.

His actions are his own responsibility. You shouldn't have to walk around on egg shells.
Anonymous Coward
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09/21/2010 02:09 AM
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Re: IS MY HUSBAND VERBALLY ABUSIVE?....HE SAYS THINGS LIKE.......
He says things like: “You never do shit” “You’re a bad mother” You’re a bad wife” “You’re lazy” “I’m going to leave you if we lose everything” “You’re a piece of shit” “leave me the fuck alone” You never do ____” “You don’t love me” and the list goes on and on.

He also gets mad and upset a lot and he is known to throw things and breaks things when he gets upset. He is very critical with me and the children and he is always telling me what I feel and what I think. I have tried to talk to him but he tells me that is the way men act, when they get mad they hit and throw things.

He also tells me I’m just making things up and he does not have a problem. He tells me things like “If only I would clean the house the way he likes it then things would be better” or “If only I would have the children the way he likes them then things would be better” I have tried and tried to do things his way but nothing ever seems to work, I’m thinking that maybe I’m not the women for him.

He tells me that I’m too sensitive and that I need to toughen up. I just don’t know what to do anymore, I love him and we have children together, it is hard to just walk away. Does his behavior sound abusive or normal, am I just whining over petty stuff? He has never hit me but I am afraid that with his anger issues he may one day. Please give your honest opinions, I am so lost right now!
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 868606

DAH!THink about what your asking!YES YES YES YES
Anonymous Coward
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09/21/2010 02:14 AM
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Re: IS MY HUSBAND VERBALLY ABUSIVE?....HE SAYS THINGS LIKE.......
Shoot him.
Anonymous Coward
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09/21/2010 02:20 AM
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Re: IS MY HUSBAND VERBALLY ABUSIVE?....HE SAYS THINGS LIKE.......
He says things like: “You never do shit” “You’re a bad mother” You’re a bad wife” “You’re lazy” “I’m going to leave you if we lose everything” “You’re a piece of shit” “leave me the fuck alone” You never do ____” “You don’t love me” and the list goes on and on.

He also gets mad and upset a lot and he is known to throw things and breaks things when he gets upset. He is very critical with me and the children and he is always telling me what I feel and what I think. I have tried to talk to him but he tells me that is the way men act, when they get mad they hit and throw things.

He also tells me I’m just making things up and he does not have a problem. He tells me things like “If only I would clean the house the way he likes it then things would be better” or “If only I would have the children the way he likes them then things would be better” I have tried and tried to do things his way but nothing ever seems to work, I’m thinking that maybe I’m not the women for him.

He tells me that I’m too sensitive and that I need to toughen up. I just don’t know what to do anymore, I love him and we have children together, it is hard to just walk away. Does his behavior sound abusive or normal, am I just whining over petty stuff? He has never hit me but I am afraid that with his anger issues he may one day. Please give your honest opinions, I am so lost right now!
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 868606



Maybe eugenics is the answer? On a more mature note, your husband is a troglodyte. He has entry level awareness, and probably a double digit IQ. Did he vote for bush, twice? In any event he will never "improve" and reach the level of "human". You, on the other hand, seem to think clearly, and, certainly, express yourself coherently. You can do "much better". Consider a life without him, and how you will make this work. Good luck !!
clash
User ID: 807199
Canada
09/29/2013 09:17 PM
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Re: IS MY HUSBAND VERBALLY ABUSIVE?....HE SAYS THINGS LIKE.......
Interesting thread. Verbal abusers will not stop, unless they become aware of the behavior. If he is a narcassist, most likely he will never go for help unfortunately. For anyone involved in a verbally abusive relationship, look into seeking help for yourself. Do your research on NPD. Verbal abuse only escalates, and will eventually turn into physical abuse.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 6321085
United States
09/29/2013 09:19 PM
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Re: IS MY HUSBAND VERBALLY ABUSIVE?....HE SAYS THINGS LIKE.......
short answer: yes

long answer: y e s
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 2370135
United States
09/29/2013 09:20 PM
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Re: IS MY HUSBAND VERBALLY ABUSIVE?....HE SAYS THINGS LIKE.......
get back to the kitchen!
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 857834


AND MAKE ME A SANDWICH!!!!!!
sandpiper

User ID: 46265500
09/29/2013 11:01 PM
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Re: IS MY HUSBAND VERBALLY ABUSIVE?....HE SAYS THINGS LIKE.......
While you can, get the heck out of there. This will only get worse and you nor your children deserve this kind of treatment. I know, I have been there. GET OUT. It is a different world when you find your own self worth and for the sake of your children they will too. GOD be with you.
If you break my wings, I will just find a cloud and learn to fly again. The Lord will catch you when you fall or teach you to fly! May the footprints I leave lead you to BELIEVE.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 12852231
United States
09/29/2013 11:28 PM
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Re: IS MY HUSBAND VERBALLY ABUSIVE?....HE SAYS THINGS LIKE.......
He says things like: “You never do shit” “You’re a bad mother” You’re a bad wife” “You’re lazy” “I’m going to leave you if we lose everything” “You’re a piece of shit” “leave me the fuck alone” You never do ____” “You don’t love me” and the list goes on and on.

He also gets mad and upset a lot and he is known to throw things and breaks things when he gets upset. He is very critical with me and the children and he is always telling me what I feel and what I think. I have tried to talk to him but he tells me that is the way men act, when they get mad they hit and throw things.

He also tells me I’m just making things up and he does not have a problem. He tells me things like “If only I would clean the house the way he likes it then things would be better” or “If only I would have the children the way he likes them then things would be better” I have tried and tried to do things his way but nothing ever seems to work, I’m thinking that maybe I’m not the women for him.

He tells me that I’m too sensitive and that I need to toughen up. I just don’t know what to do anymore, I love him and we have children together, it is hard to just walk away. Does his behavior sound abusive or normal, am I just whining over petty stuff? He has never hit me but I am afraid that with his anger issues he may one day. Please give your honest opinions, I am so lost right now!
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 868606


You describe classic cycle of abuse, stage 2.
Stage 3 begins with a shove.
Stage 4 begins with a slap.

Getting a restraining order will exacerbate his
behavior and could turn him from verbally abusing you
to physically abusing.

Best thing to do is remove yourself and kids from
his proximity and reach, (without breaking laws) like
vacationing, and then letting him know after he has had
a few days to cool off that you are not coming back till
he is in counseling.

Get an attorney who will file whatever you need, and
understands the family courts and has no problem burning
your husband down if necessary to keep you safe.

No matter how much you love him, he doesn't love you
and may be incapable of love.

Get him in counseling ASAP so disinterested third party can
show him light of day about his behavior.

Understand that drugs and/or alcohol may be involved.
other women, sometimes it's other men when males find
themselves married and attracted to other men (latent)

Put away some money he doesn't know about. All wives
should have this anyway. Use it as your escape money if
things get bad.
Curious One

User ID: 46632924
United States
09/29/2013 11:42 PM
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Re: IS MY HUSBAND VERBALLY ABUSIVE?....HE SAYS THINGS LIKE.......
But he loves you.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 868534



He says he does. He is not a monster you guys, he does have a lot of wonderful things about him and that is what makes it so hard to leave. I think to myself what can I do so that it does not hurt me as bad, what is it I can change within myself to live with him the way he is because I can't expect him to change if he does not see a problem in the way that he acts.

Whenever I bring it to his attention he is quick to tell me that I'm bad and what is it that I do or what is the situation surronding him to make him lose control. I'm trying to be fair and trying to see things through his eyes too...i'm married so it's not so easy to just pack up and go!
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 868606



It appears that he has already verbally abused you to the point you are questioning yourself...It WILL get worse. Men who first verbally abuse you, then progress to throwing thing or breaking things. Then it starts up with a small push or a little slap and before you know it he will be beating you black and blue--and maybe your children as well.

He also sounds like a master manipulator and very self-centered and selfish to boot. Immature also comes to mind and a cop-out [his excuse that all men are like that] comes to mind. Believe me, it will NOT get better.

The poster who told you to take your kids and leave has it correct. Your comment that you can't just pack up and leave is incorrect. Even if you have no money there are places to go. Most every city and/or small town in this country has a women and children's shelter. You can go there and they will help you get things worked out. It won't be easy and you have to have courage and 'just do it!' which I know will be hard since he already has you feeling broken down and submissive and as if you are worthless.

But, if you do it now you will have more resolve. See, you are upset that this is going on and nothing is working to change it for the better. And, in your heart you know we are right who tell you what is coming if you stay. But, the longer you wait to go, the less resolve you will have. That is a a fact. For your children's sake, as well as your own, pack up and leave...'just do it!' goaway
furPete'sSake

User ID: 13543559
United States
09/29/2013 11:49 PM

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Re: IS MY HUSBAND VERBALLY ABUSIVE?....HE SAYS THINGS LIKE.......
He says things like: “You never do shit” “You’re a bad mother” You’re a bad wife” “You’re lazy” “I’m going to leave you if we lose everything” “You’re a piece of shit” “leave me the fuck alone” You never do ____” “You don’t love me” and the list goes on and on.

He also gets mad and upset a lot and he is known to throw things and breaks things when he gets upset. He is very critical with me and the children and he is always telling me what I feel and what I think. I have tried to talk to him but he tells me that is the way men act, when they get mad they hit and throw things.

He also tells me I’m just making things up and he does not have a problem. He tells me things like “If only I would clean the house the way he likes it then things would be better” or “If only I would have the children the way he likes them then things would be better” I have tried and tried to do things his way but nothing ever seems to work, I’m thinking that maybe I’m not the women for him.

He tells me that I’m too sensitive and that I need to toughen up. I just don’t know what to do anymore, I love him and we have children together, it is hard to just walk away. Does his behavior sound abusive or normal, am I just whining over petty stuff? He has never hit me but I am afraid that with his anger issues he may one day. Please give your honest opinions, I am so lost right now!
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 868606


he's a control freak, you will never measure up. Telling you "you're too sensitive" is pure control, that's your nature, he may as well harp at you that your eyes are too blue, same deal
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 18535219
United States
09/29/2013 11:51 PM
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Re: IS MY HUSBAND VERBALLY ABUSIVE?....HE SAYS THINGS LIKE.......
A lot of the advice in this thread is pure crap. For instance, saying to leave the husband just because he is letting his wife know she's not doing things right.

Wives: instead of wondering whether you're being abused or not, you should focus on trying to do what he says. Try to get specifics and do it. It's not that hard.

Of course, I'm probably going to be thought of as verbally abusive for disagreeing. What a load of shit marriage counselors feed wives; you'd think they're trying to increase profits for divorce attorneys.
theNobodyfiles

User ID: 40568329
United States
09/29/2013 11:52 PM
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Re: IS MY HUSBAND VERBALLY ABUSIVE?....HE SAYS THINGS LIKE.......
What a fucking cunt.
Men are overrated.
Anyone claiming to be the nobody is guilty of impersonation.

I am the nobody, which is just code for "target" in gangstalking lingo.

The current information on gangstalking is another troll as well.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 18535219
United States
09/29/2013 11:55 PM
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Re: IS MY HUSBAND VERBALLY ABUSIVE?....HE SAYS THINGS LIKE.......
Men are overrated.

When you point your finger, there are three pointing back at you.
anonomys coward
User ID: 807199
Canada
09/29/2013 11:56 PM
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Re: IS MY HUSBAND VERBALLY ABUSIVE?....HE SAYS THINGS LIKE.......
Get as much info as possible on the subject. There are statements you can look for, such as "I'm only trying to help you" or I'm concerned. These are manipulations in an attempt to confuse you. The more you read up on verbal abuse, the more you'll find you aren't crazy!hf
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 34567006
United States
09/30/2013 12:09 AM
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Re: IS MY HUSBAND VERBALLY ABUSIVE?....HE SAYS THINGS LIKE.......
he needs his ass kicked, he is treating you the way he wants to be treated. hopefully he will mouth of to the wrong guy and get his attitude adjusted.
JustSomeone

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09/30/2013 12:25 AM
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Re: IS MY HUSBAND VERBALLY ABUSIVE?....HE SAYS THINGS LIKE.......
Here's a guide, honey. Be very careful.

Warning Signs of an Abusive Personality

It is sometimes possible to predict the likelihood of the person you are currently or are about to become involved with being abusive. Below are a list of behaviours and traits which are common in abusive personalities. These are commonly known as Warning Signs.

While not all abusive people show the same signs, or display the tendencies to the same extent, if several behavioural traits are present, there is a strong tendency toward abusiveness. Generally, the more signs are present, the greater the likelihood of violence. In some cases, an abuser may have only a couple of behavioural traits that can be recognized, but they are very exaggerated (e.g. extreme jealousy over ridiculous things).

Often the abuser will initially try to explain his/her behaviour as signs of his/her love and concern, and the victim may be flattered at first; as time goes on, the behaviours become more severe and serve to dominate, control and manipulate the victim.


Jealousy

At the beginning of a relationship, an abuser will always say the jealousy is a sign of love. He/she may question you about whom you have spoken to or seen during the day, may accuse you of flirting, or be jealous of time you spend with family, friends, children or hobbies which do not include him/her. As the jealousy progresses, he/she may call you frequently during the day or drop by unexpectedly. He may be unhappy about or refuse to let you work for fear you'll meet someone else, check the car mileage or ask friends to keep an eye on you. Jealousy is not proof of love, it is a sign of insecurity and possessiveness.

Controlling Behaviour

Controlling behaviour is often disguised or excused as concern. Concern for your safety, your emotional or mental health, the need to use your time well, or to make sensible decisions. Your abuser may be angry or upset if you are 'late' coming back from work, shopping, visiting friends, etc., even if you told him/her you would be later back than usual. Your abuser may question you closely about where you were, whom you spoke to, the content of every conversation you held, or why you did something he/she was not involved in. As this behaviour gets worse, you may not be allowed to make personal decisions about the house, clothing, going to church or how you spend your time or money or even make you ask for permission to leave the house or room. Alternately, he/she may theoretically allow you your own decisions, but penalise you for making the wrong ones. Concern for our loved ones to a certain extent is normal - trying to control their every move is not.


Quick Involvement



Many victims of abuse dated or knew their abuser for less than six months before they were engaged or living together. The abuser will often claim 'love at first sight', that you are 'made for each other', or that you are the only person whom he could ever talk to so openly, feel so at home with, could understand him so well. He/she may tell you that they have never loved anyone so much or felt so loved by anyone so much before, when you have really only known each other for a short amount of time. He/she needs someone desperately, and will pressure you to commit to him/her or make love before you feel the relationship has reached 'that stage'. He/she may also make you feel guilty for not committing yourself to him/her.


Unrealistic Expectations


The abuser may expects you to be the perfect husband, wife, mother, father, lover, and friend. He/she is very dependent on you for all his/her needs, and may tell you he/she can fulfil all your needs as lover, friend, and companion. Statements such as: 'lf you love me, I'm all you need.', 'You are all I need.' are common. Your abuser may expect you to provide everything for him/her emotionally, practically, financially or spiritually, and then blame you for not being perfect or living up to expectation.


Isolation

The abuser may try to curtail your social interaction. He/she may prevent you from spending time with your friends or family and demand that you only go places 'together'. He/she may accuse you of being 'tied to your mother's apron strings', not be committed to the relationship, or view people who are your personal friends as 'causing trouble' or 'trying to put a wedge' between you. He/she may want to live in the country without a phone, not let you use the car, stop you from working or gaining further education or qualifications.


Blame-shifting for Problems

Very rarely will an abusive personality accept responsibility for any negative situation or problem. If they are unemployed, can't hold down a job, were thrown out of college or University or fall out with their family, it is always someone else's fault, be it the boss, the government, or their mother. They may feel that someone is always doing them wrong, or out to get him. He/she may make a mistakes and then blame you for upsetting him/her or preventing him/her from doing as they wished to.


Blame-shifting for Feelings

The abuser will deny feelings stem from within him/her but see them as reactions to your behaviour or attitude toward him/her. He/she may tell you that 'you make me mad', 'you're hurting me by not doing what I ask', or that he/she cannot help feeling mad, upset, etc. Feelings may be used to manipulate you, i.e. 'I would not be angry if you didn't ...' Positive emotions will often also be seen as originating outside the abuser, but are more difficult to detect. Statements such as 'You make me happy' or 'You make me feel good about myself' are also signs that the abuser feels you are responsible for his sense of well-being. Either way, you become in his/her mind the cause of good and bad feelings and are therefore responsible for his/her emotional well-being and happiness. Consequently, you are also to blame for any negative feelings such as anger, upset or depression.


Hypersensitivity


Most abusers have very low self-esteem and are therefore easily insulted or upset. They may claim their feelings are 'hurt' when they are really angry, or take unrelated comments as personal attacks. They may perceive normal set-backs (having to work additional hours, being asked to help out, receiving a parking fine, etc.) as grave personal injustices. They may view your preference for something which differs from their own as a criticism of their taste and therefore themselves (e.g. blue wallpaper rather than pink, etc.).


Cruelty to Animals


The abuser may punishes animals brutally, be insensitive to their pain or suffering, or neglect to care for the animals to the point of cruelty, e.g. not feeding them all day, leaving them in areas he/she knows will cause them suffering or distress. There is a strong correlation between cruelty to animals and domestic violence which is still being researched. (For more information and personal experiences, see Domestic Violence and Cruelty to Animals.)


Cruelty to Children


The abusers unrealistic expectations of their partner are often mirrored in their attitude toward children. He/she will think of children as 'small adults' and blame the children for not being responsible, having common sense or understanding. He/she may expect children to be capable far beyond their ability (e.g. is angry with a two-year old for wetting their pants or being sick on the carpet, waking at night or being upset by nightmares) and will often meet out punishments for 'naughtiness' the child could not be aware of. Abusers may tease children until they cry, or punish children way beyond what could be deemed appropriate. He/she may not want children to eat at the table, expect them to stay quiet, or keep to their room all evening while he/she is at home. Since abusers want all your attention themselves, they resent your spending time with the children or any normal demands and needs the children may have. As above (cruelty to animals), there is a very strong link between Domestic Violence and Child Abuse.


'Playful' use of Force in Sex

He/she may pressurise you to agree to forceful or violent acts during sex, or want to act out fantasies where you are helpless. A male abuser may let you know that the idea of "rape" excites him. He/she may show little concern about whether you want to have intercourse and uses sulking or anger to manipulate you into compliance. Starting sex while you are sleeping, demanding sex when you are ill or tired, or refusing any form of intimacy unless you are willing to go 'all the way' can all be signs that he/she could be sexually abusive or sexually violent.


Rigid Gender Roles

Abusers usually believe in stereotypical gender roles. A man may expect a woman to serve him; stay at home, obey him in all things - even things that are criminal in nature. A male abuser will often see women as inferior to men, more stupid, unable to be a whole person without a relationship. Female abusers may expect the man to provide for them entirely, shift the responsibility for her well-being onto him or heckle him as being 'not a real man' if he shows any weakness or emotion.


Verbal Abuse

In addition to saying things that are meant to be cruel and hurtful, either in public or in private, this can include degrading remarks or running down any accomplishments. Often the abuser will tell you that you are 'stupid', could not manage without him/her. He/she may keep you up all night to 'sort this out once and for all' or even wake you at night to continue to verbally abuse you. The abuser may even say kindly things to your face, but speak badly about you to friends and family.


Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde


Very rarely do abusers conform to the stereotypical image of a constantly harsh, nasty or violent person, either in public or in private. More frequently the abuser portrays a perfectly normal and pleasant picture to the outside world (often they have responsible jobs or are respected and important members of the local community or Church) and reserves the abuse for you in the privacy of your own home. Nor are abusers always overtly abusive or cruel, but can display apparent kindness and consideration. This Jeckyll and Hyde tendency of the abuser serves to further confuse the victim, while protecting themselves from any form of suspicion from outsiders. Many victims describe "sudden" changes in mood - one minute nice and the next explosive or hysterical, or one minute happy and the next minute sad. This does not indicate some special "mental problem" but are typical of abusive personalities, and related to other characteristics such as hypersensitivity.




Drinking with Abuse


While neither drinking or the use of drugs are signs of an abusive personality, heavy drinking or drug abuse may be a warning sign and do increase the risks of abuse, especially violence, taking place. Often an abusive person will blame the drink for his/her abuse. However, a person who, knowing there is a risk he/she could be violent when drinking or on drugs, chooses to get drunk or high, is in effect choosing to abuse. The link between substance abuse and domestic abuse is still being researched, and it is apparent that while neither alcohol nor drugs necessarily cause violence, they do increase the risk of violence. (See What about alcohol and domestic abuse?)


History of Battering or Sexual Violence



Very rarely is abuse or violence a one-off event: a batterer will beat any woman he is with; a sexually abusive person will be abusive toward all his intimate partners. Situational circumstances do not make a person an abusive personality. Sometimes friends or family may try to warn you about the abuser. Sometimes the abuser may tell you himself/herself that he/she has hit or sexually assaulted someone in the past. However, they may further go on to explain that "she made me do it by ..." or in some other way not take responsibility and shift the blame on to the victim. They may tell you that it won't happen with you because "you love them enough to prevent it" or "you won't be stupid enough to wind me up that much". Once again, this is denying their own responsibility for the abuse, and shifting the responsibility for the relationship to remain abuse-free on to you. Past violence is one of the strongest pointers that abuse will occur. If at all possible, try to speak to their previous girlfriends.



Negative Attitude toward Women

Some men may tell you that you are different to all the women they have known before, who display a lack of respect of women generally or who talk negatively and disrespectfully of their previous wives or girlfriends. They may tell you that you are special, not like the others and that they consider themselves to be the luckiest man alive to have found the last decent woman. It is not likely to be long before they remember that you are a woman and don't deserve their respect.


Threatening Violence


This would obviously include any threat of physical force such as "If you speak to him/her again, I'll kill you", or "If any wife of mine acted like John's did, I'd give her a right seeing to". Threats are designed to manipulate and control you, to keep you in your place and prevent you making your own decisions. Most people do not threaten their mates, but an abuser will excuse this behaviour by saying "everybody talks like that.", maintaining he/she is only saying this because the relationship or you are so important to him/her, tell you you're "over-sensitive" for being upset by such threats, or obviously want to hurt him/her. Threats can also be less overt, such as "If you leave me, I will kill myself", or "You are so wonderful, I will never let you go/couldn't live without you".


Breaking or Striking Objects

The abusive person may break your treasured object, beat his/her fists on the table or chair or throw something at or past you. Breaking your things is often used as a punishment for some imagined misdeed on your part. Sometimes it will be justified by saying that now that you are with him/her, you don't need these items any more. Breaking your possessions also has the effect of de-personalising you, denying you your individuality or literally trying to break links to your past. Beating items of furniture or throwing objects will often be justified by saying you wound him/her up so much they lost control, once again shifting the blame for this behaviour on to you, but is actually used to terrorise you into submission. Only very immature or abusive people beat on objects in the presence of other people in order to threaten or intimidate them.


Any Force during an Argument


An abuser may physically restrain you from leaving the room, lash out at you with his/her hand or another object, pin you against a wall or shout 'right in your face'. Basically any form of force used during an argument can be a sign that actual violence is a strong possibility.


The above list was prepared with reference to

A Guide to recognizing Behaviors of Abusive persons, Cheektowaga Police Department, (link no longer active - sorry!)
Signs To Look For In A Battering Personality, free2bme2k, (link no longer active - sorry!)
my own experiences, and those of other survivors of DV with whom I have had the privilege of discussing this topic.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 769657


Great Guide.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 22031904
Australia
09/30/2013 01:31 AM
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Re: IS MY HUSBAND VERBALLY ABUSIVE?....HE SAYS THINGS LIKE.......
But he loves you.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 868534



He says he does. He is not a monster you guys, he does have a lot of wonderful things about him and that is what makes it so hard to leave. I think to myself what can I do so that it does not hurt me as bad, what is it I can change within myself to live with him the way he is because I can't expect him to change if he does not see a problem in the way that he acts.

Whenever I bring it to his attention he is quick to tell me that I'm bad and what is it that I do or what is the situation surronding him to make him lose control. I'm trying to be fair and trying to see things through his eyes too...i'm married so it's not so easy to just pack up and go!
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 868606


That used to be me....
I used to be verbally abusive and break and throw things in a rage. It is not normal and shows he is probably anxious over something with the relationship. I do believe he does love you but is frustrated with something in his life and is blaming you. Get him to a psychologist and talk things over. It can never hurt to talk to someone.
Anyway, that's what I did and it saved my relationship. It has taken many many months, hard work and concentration to keep myself in check and monitor my own behaviour.
Corner

User ID: 47583895
Belgium
09/30/2013 01:36 AM

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Re: IS MY HUSBAND VERBALLY ABUSIVE?....HE SAYS THINGS LIKE.......
Women are equal to men, pitty though women forgot about themselves.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 45929229
United States
09/30/2013 01:54 AM
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Re: IS MY HUSBAND VERBALLY ABUSIVE?....HE SAYS THINGS LIKE.......
He says things like: “You never do shit” “You’re a bad mother” You’re a bad wife” “You’re lazy” “I’m going to leave you if we lose everything” “You’re a piece of shit” “leave me the fuck alone” You never do ____” “You don’t love me” and the list goes on and on.

He also gets mad and upset a lot and he is known to throw things and breaks things when he gets upset. He is very critical with me and the children and he is always telling me what I feel and what I think. I have tried to talk to him but he tells me that is the way men act, when they get mad they hit and throw things.

He also tells me I’m just making things up and he does not have a problem. He tells me things like “If only I would clean the house the way he likes it then things would be better” or “If only I would have the children the way he likes them then things would be better” I have tried and tried to do things his way but nothing ever seems to work, I’m thinking that maybe I’m not the women for him.

He tells me that I’m too sensitive and that I need to toughen up. I just don’t know what to do anymore, I love him and we have children together, it is hard to just walk away. Does his behavior sound abusive or normal, am I just whining over petty stuff? He has never hit me but I am afraid that with his anger issues he may one day. Please give your honest opinions, I am so lost right now!
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 868606


Why do you ask? Why don't you just admit that you married an asshole and a prick rolled up into one. Ohhh I get it! You want to take the house and as much money as you can get and you need to prove abuse. Fight back and stop being scared, unless he has laid a finger on you. Tell him just because you are unhappy doesn't mean I give a shit what you say to me. Then laugh at him and walk out of the room. He'll either smarten up and realize your aggressiveness is attractive and that he still loves you or you can call a lawyer.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 29860095
United States
09/30/2013 01:56 AM
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Re: IS MY HUSBAND VERBALLY ABUSIVE?....HE SAYS THINGS LIKE.......
This is a really weird kitchen I must admit.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 36673925
United States
09/30/2013 02:23 AM
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Re: IS MY HUSBAND VERBALLY ABUSIVE?....HE SAYS THINGS LIKE.......
He says things like: “You never do shit” “You’re a bad mother” You’re a bad wife” “You’re lazy” “I’m going to leave you if we lose everything” “You’re a piece of shit” “leave me the fuck alone” You never do ____” “You don’t love me” and the list goes on and on.

He also gets mad and upset a lot and he is known to throw things and breaks things when he gets upset. He is very critical with me and the children and he is always telling me what I feel and what I think. I have tried to talk to him but he tells me that is the way men act, when they get mad they hit and throw things.

He also tells me I’m just making things up and he does not have a problem. He tells me things like “If only I would clean the house the way he likes it then things would be better” or “If only I would have the children the way he likes them then things would be better” I have tried and tried to do things his way but nothing ever seems to work, I’m thinking that maybe I’m not the women for him.

He tells me that I’m too sensitive and that I need to toughen up. I just don’t know what to do anymore, I love him and we have children together, it is hard to just walk away. Does his behavior sound abusive or normal, am I just whining over petty stuff? He has never hit me but I am afraid that with his anger issues he may one day. Please give your honest opinions, I am so lost right now!
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 868606


I can help you with this. You need to do these things and your troubles with your husband will go away.

* Start doing shit
* Be a good mother
* Be a good wife
* Quit being lazy
* Leave him the fuck alone, if he wants a beer, wants a smammich or sex, he will let you know.
* Quit being a piece of shit
* Clean the house the way he tells you.
* Dont lose everything so he wont leave
* Quit giving him things to be critical about
* Agree with him when he tells you how you feel and what to think, after all, he is the man
* Stop making him throw things.
* Quit being sensitive
* Quit whining over petty stuff


His behavior is normal for a man, you need to fix yourself.
TESTIMONY
User ID: 48738155
New Zealand
10/22/2013 01:29 AM
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Re: IS MY HUSBAND VERBALLY ABUSIVE?....HE SAYS THINGS LIKE.......
I am Linda from Usa,I want to share a testimony of my life to everyone. I am a married woman with three kids, i had a wonderful life until my husband died and left me alone. Life became very hard, i lost my Job and a child, it became very hard to take care of my children and myself. I tried all i could to make life better but the situations of things never changed. I didn't know what to do until i met my friend Laura and told her about my problems. She told me not to worry about it that she had been through a similar problem before, she introduced me to a man called Prophet Jacobs who did wonders in her life and made her life better. Laura asked me to contact the Prophet Jacobs. I contacted him to help me with my financial situation and he told me not to worry about it that the Gods of his forefathers will change the situation of my life. He told me by two weeks, i would get a call from a company and i would be employed. Indeed, after two weeks, i got a new Job, the next couple of months i was given raise and now things have changed in my home. I am very stable financially, i can take care of my kids, pay bills, i am also in a relationship also thanks to the prophet prayers, i am the happiest woman in the world for what this great prophet did for me and my Children. You all can contact Prophet Jacobs on any problem in this world, he is very nice man, here is his contact prophetjacobs@outlook.com. He is the best prophet on the internet so far his email. I know he can help you with any situation you are facing, either financially, in your marriages,at work, with your kids. or any kind or problem you have
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 46848324
United States
10/22/2013 02:00 AM
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Re: IS MY HUSBAND VERBALLY ABUSIVE?....HE SAYS THINGS LIKE.......
He's a bully.

Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life?


Get some counseling. I hate to see a marriage break up, but it is not fair to you and the children to live with a bully.

grouphug

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 Quoting: Aquarius 7



Oh it is so hard!!! I want my family, I want my husband, I want my children and our home! I don't want to break up my family but I also don't want to feel the way I feel when I'm with him. I feel worthless with him, he makes me feel like I don't contribute anything good to our marriage or our family.

He is always threating to leave and it has made me very insecure and jealous, I'm afraid that he will find the woman that does everything right, the way he likes it and it scares me and hurts me. I have come to the conclusion that I am not the woman for him and because I make him so unhappy and mad, that I should leave him so that he could be happy...does that sound logical?
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 868606



I feel real bad for you. Is he strained with money hardships? Sometimes bills make men act this way.