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Dear Red States:
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Original Message
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Dear Red States:
We´re ticked off at the way you´ve treated California, and we´ve
decided we´re leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we´re
taking the other Blue States with us.
In case you aren´t aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington,
Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We
believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to
the people of the new country of New California.
To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave
states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We
get Elliot Spitzer. You get Ken Lay.
We get the Statue of Liberty. You get OpryLand. We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.
We get Harvard. You get Ole´ Miss.
We get 85 percent of America´s venture capital and entrepreneurs.
You get Alabama. We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get
to make the red states pay their fair share.
Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the
Christian Coalition´s, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a
bunch of single moms.
Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and
anti-war, and we´re going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at
once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals.
They have kids they´re apparently willing to send to their deaths
for no purpose, and they don´t care if you don´t show pictures of their
children´s caskets coming home.
We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up, but
we´re not willing to spend our resources in Bush´s Quagmire.
With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80
percent of the country´s fresh water, more than 90 percent of the
pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation´s fresh fruit, 95 percent
of America´s quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners)
90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the
U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy
and Seven Sister schools, plus Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.
With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with
88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care
costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the
tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern
Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh,
Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.
We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you. Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red
states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent
believe life is sacred unless we´re discussing the death penalty or gun
laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that
Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy bastards believe
you are people with higher morals then we lefties.
By the way, we´re taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in
Mexico.
Sincerely,
Author Unknown in New California.
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