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Subject What do you do when you reach an end to you search for knowledge?
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Original Message I know that this is something very hard to swallow for those of you content with a relativist point of view (the "there is no truth" gang, among others), but I am truly an individual who has found all the answers (or at least all the answers that matter).

If you have trouble believing that, it still makes no difference to my case. Whether or not I'm the real deal or just a schizophrenic, the fact stays as a fact that what I'll describe to you is exactly how I feel ... and there is seemingly no way out.

so please help me out here with ideas.

I am not depressed. On the contrary, I feel very sympathetic, very thankful for what life has given me. For all this understanding that I have, I feel calm and peaceful, and powerful. My self-confidence is also over the roof.

But I'm worried about this feeling of meaninglessness that has set in my life. I cannot convince myself to do anything anymore, since everything seems empty to me. Only the most basic necessities and the most logical needs of household life can move me. For everything else I cannot move a finger towards doing the involved tasks. Nothing rocks my boat anymore; nothing fascinates, motivates or enthusiasms me. I laugh about everything, but I also feel that I could cry about everything.

I feel like I'm back to the beginning, and with no energy left to start over. I do have physical and mental energy to do common things, but most of it is in a motionless, paralyzed state, as if my body has been storing it for the future.

My situation would be ironic if it wasn't sad. What is beginning to annoy me is that I am also having trouble keeping my word and helping out people. Sometimes I will take so long to do something for a friend that they just give up on me.

I mean, "helping others" should be a pretty convincing argument to anyone. I never thought that it could be topped by my onsetting apathy... but I was wrong. Even the idea of helping has lost meaning to me. Who should be the first to receive my help? Where do I begin exactly? What do I gain? What do they gain? All of these questions start flooding my head and soon I no longer know what to do.

Those of you who have reached a high level of spirituality know that life ultimately has no guidelines or intrinsic meaning / purpose , except for the one that you create. This is a marvelous realization -- that you are indeed the god of your life -- and yet here I am totally out of ideas. I have absolutely no idea of what to do with my "freedom."

Over the years I have considered many scenarios / strategies, hundreds of them to be frank, and not a single one has worked. I tried over and over again to come up with some kind of self-made Oracle that I could look into and suddenly know what to do , despite of my own wishes. But you can only lie to yourself for so long...

For a while I was also afraid that the only solution would involve forgetting or destroying part of my knowledge, which -- now I believe -- is not only illogical, but probably impossible.

So here I am. I am much similar to the Marvel character called 'the Sentry ', arguably the most powerful of Earth's superheroes (Hulk and Thor fans often differ), but due to crippling mental problems he is totally ineffectual in real battles.

I am unable to participate anymore, to interact with people, to take their dreams as my own, etc. And I don't think it's a matter of me being unable to see thru their points of view. Trust me, I have eliminated / outed every single point that ever passed thru my head. Absolutely none of the many beliefs, affirmations and quotes that people cling to make any sense to me anymore. Catchphrases and clever sayings used to work a few days, sometimes weeks, but nowadays they only last seconds. Whatever is your "point" about life, I'm confident that I can destroy it with only 3 sentences.

Nothing that I ever learned in theory seems to work in practice. Practice is a closed system...and everything we do is completely spontaneous / out of control. I simply cannot force this creature, this "body" that I associate with, to do the things that I desire. Hell, I'm not even sure if I exist.

There is no such thing as control, only illusion. You don't exist -- you only think that you do.

It's like an invisible forcefield. I cannot even force my body to move a finger toward doing anything useful. I have tried physically fighting this force before. I remember when I used all of my strength to move myself to the office to work on one of my projects, but my body paralyzed and my mind went blank. Then I collapsed on the floor exhausted.

And the worst is that I cannot lie to it either. I've tried luring my body with sex and food before , but the process was often interrupted halfway because somehow the 'FORCE' KNEW my game.

And there is more...

In order to convince yourself to do something , there must exist some kind of problem that you are able to see. But I see no problem with the cosmos. Everywhere I look, it seems just the way it should be. Nothing to fix, nothing to prove. I see no forces to oppose and no challenges to conquer...except perhaps this one: how do I fill this great big void that I am now the king of?

Nihilism or enlightenment? You decide. I cannot say for sure because I don't believe in Nihilism either, and enlightenment has been disappointing to me lately.

I need your help, because this star, this person, is suffering a premature death. I have lost my identity and I don't know what to do anymore.

Thank you for reading.
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