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Can someone here help me get over my bully from 23 years ago? I totally forgot about the incident but out of the blue Im enraged and want revenge
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Original Message
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Can someone here help me get over my bully from 23 years ago? I totally forgot about the incident but out of the blue Im enraged and want revenge.
I habe no clue what caused me to be reminded of what happebed 23 years ago, but now that Im thinking about it, it infuriates me how I should have caused harm on him but I didnt.
I was a freshman in highschool 23 years ago, I was 14-15 standing at the vending machine. I was probably 5'5 at the time. A guy who was like 6'1 with his gf stood right behind me.
It was like I was able to read his mind, I cant explain it but i felt he was thinking, "im going to impress my girlfriend by making her laugh from me picking on this short kid."
He grabs the back of my neck and swings me around as I was begging him to stop. As he was doing this, he had this predatory smile on his face like he was really enjoying it.
A week later when I saw him again in the hall way, he football rushes me, I then took out a lock and punched him in his chest and took off.
A week after that, he brings 2 guys to confront me as they were confronting me, he was standing right behind them laughing. My friend told me to hand him the home made weapon so he could stab them but I didnt...
I didnt because I didnt want to bring any heat on my parents at the time cause they were working 10-12 hour shifts to pay the bills.
I took a lost that day and what haunts me is that I felt like I quit.
From that day on in school, I avoided my bully every chance I could. Everytime I saw him, I went the other way. Everytime I heard he was here or there, I avoided it. Thats what kills me to this day.
Its not in my personality to run from problems or hide from it. I face it head on, but I knew there were no other option but being arrested at the time and I didnt want to bring any trouble to my parents.
Fast forward 23 years later, I forgot about the whole thing and I come to find out this guy is addicted to drugs and I know where he lives.
I wasnt even asking about him or for him but one of my childhood friend told me thst guy ripped him off of 500 dollars. My childhood friend has no idea that guy bullied me.
As soon as he brought up his name, I was havinng wicked thoughts of pulling up to his house and breaking both of his legs. I dont mind going to prison and serving 3-4 years for it.
Then I had another evil thought that told me wait, hes addicted to drugs, you can find his drug dealer and pay his drug dealer 5k to change his drug to fentanyl or something hardcore like crack and he will never know it was you.
I also had another evil thought from hell that told me to get his teen children addicted to hardcore drugs.
Guys, I dont want these thoughts in my head. I really want to forget about the whole incident and forgice him but for some reason Im enraged and want revenge but thats not what I truly desire.
Ive never lost at anything I did ever, I think deep down if I let this slide I would feel like I took a lost and plus Im ashamed of myself for avoiding him in the hallway to diffuse the drama. I regret not giving it to him and cracking his skull 23 years ago but i think about how hard my parents were slaving in the warehouse at the time and I just couldnt do it.
Now 23 years later, parents are not in the way, I have lawyer money, how do I get these wicked thoughts out of my head?
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