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Feeling really down tonight

 
~Moi~
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03/08/2010 10:06 PM
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Feeling really down tonight
I just got off the phone with my sis back home.

My mum back home in New Zealand, was diagnosed with inoperable, terminal lung cancer.... two days before we found out about hubby's abdominal tumour. About 4 months ago.

Then, they did not expect her to live until christmas, but being the fighter she is, she did.... But now, is deteriorating rapidly. The morphine is not holding her pain at all... Omg! It is too much for me to think about really, having nursed so many in my years, that I know what she is going through back home.

One of the hardest things for me to bear, is the fact that I am, stuck here in the states... with no money to be able to return home to nurse her in her last days, and make her as comfortable as my 30 years in nursing taught me... or even, to be able to see her again.

It fucking sucks!!!!

I can't even see the keyboard properly as I am typing through my tears of frustration, and hurt for what she is going through.

damn it all, I hate this feeling of utter helplessness.

Last Edited by ~Moi~ on 03/08/2010 10:06 PM
"I saw an angel in the marble and carved until I set him free" ~ Michelangelo
~Moi~  (OP)

User ID: 436491
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03/08/2010 10:09 PM
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Re: Feeling really down tonight
sorry for ranting guys... really no one else to talk with about it here.

Can't burden hubby, when he is dealing with his chemo issues and own fears... :(
"I saw an angel in the marble and carved until I set him free" ~ Michelangelo
Anonymous Coward
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03/08/2010 10:12 PM
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Re: Feeling really down tonight
hang in there. i am sending a prayer up for you & yours...

hf
Holy Bat Shitman!

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03/08/2010 10:13 PM
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Re: Feeling really down tonight
sorry for being a dick,sorry to hear what you are going through 30 years of nursing and you dont have any shit you can pawn for a plane ticket or any money saved?or enough credit for a flight? come one you can find a way dude Id rather have the last few days with my mom then anything.if you really dont have any options that sucks ass too,I guess just pray or whatever for her and try to keep your head up
Dozens of them. Armed to the teeth. I'm outnumbered. Outgunned. But the alley is crooked, dark, and very narrow. They can't surround me. Sometimes you can beat the odds with a careful choice of where to fight.



[link to batshitman.mybrute.com]
Anonymous Coward
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03/08/2010 10:13 PM
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Re: Feeling really down tonight
prayers to you and your mother
Only Me
Strawberry Girl

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03/08/2010 10:13 PM

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Re: Feeling really down tonight
I am very sorry for your current problems. IT's hard to deal with cancer, especially when it is a close family member. Try to keep positive, and constantly pray and harbor good thoughts. If you think and feel negatively, your situation will inevitably become such.

Hang in there....I live with cancer every day and I do my best to stay positive. It really does help.

omyulip
Goodbye, halcyon days...

 There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.

There is another theory mentioned, which states that this has already happened.
Anonymous Coward
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03/08/2010 10:13 PM
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Re: Feeling really down tonight
I am sorry for your pain! If I had the money, I would send you some to get home to your mom. No money but I can and will pray for you that you find a peace in all of this madness!

God Bless you!hf
malu

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03/08/2010 10:13 PM
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Re: Feeling really down tonight
i remember talking to you when this happened:

Thread: Could use some TLC right about now :(


it really is tough to be away from someone you love in these situations. all i know is to try your best to think about the good times, even write a letter, even if she will never read it

hf
"By way of deception, thou shalt do war."

Israel's Mossad

"The truth shall set you free."

U.S. Central Intelligence Agency Motto
Only Me
Strawberry Girl

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03/08/2010 10:13 PM

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Re: Feeling really down tonight
sorry for ranting guys... really no one else to talk with about it here.

Can't burden hubby, when he is dealing with his chemo issues and own fears... :(
 Quoting: ~Moi~


awww...honey....don't feel like you are ranting at all. do a search on some of my posts lol - there was a time i really wasn't sure if i was going to live and my posts showed it
Goodbye, halcyon days...

 There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.

There is another theory mentioned, which states that this has already happened.
~Moi~  (OP)

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03/08/2010 10:18 PM
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Re: Feeling really down tonight
sorry for being a dick,sorry to hear what you are going through 30 years of nursing and you dont have any shit you can pawn for a plane ticket or any money saved?or enough credit for a flight? come one you can find a way dude Id rather have the last few days with my mom then anything.if you really dont have any options that sucks ass too,I guess just pray or whatever for her and try to keep your head up
 Quoting: Holy Bat Shitman!


Actually, I don't.. we are about to lose our home due to the medical bills that his pathetic insurance policy don't cover.. in this shitty medical system that you guys laughingly call health care..

I sold all my business stuff when he got ill, actually more or less gave it away.. No one is buying...
$3000.00 of glass tempered glass shelving for 450.00

So no... I have nothing left to sell.

And then, I cannot leave my hubby while he is so sick from the chemo...

Nope... stuck here, whether I like it or not, whether I want to be or not. No choice! :(
"I saw an angel in the marble and carved until I set him free" ~ Michelangelo
Anonymous Coward
03/08/2010 10:18 PM
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Re: Feeling really down tonight
So sorry, OP.


No words can really express.


Much love to you.


May there be peace and comfort.
~Moi~  (OP)

User ID: 436491
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03/08/2010 10:20 PM
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Re: Feeling really down tonight
i remember talking to you when this happened:

Thread: Could use some TLC right about now :(


it really is tough to be away from someone you love in these situations. all i know is to try your best to think about the good times, even write a letter, even if she will never read it

hf
 Quoting: malu

Oh yeah Malu... my sister! We breed them tough back home, cause she is still battling on. I guess I should be grateful really, at least I got to spend time with both of them when I was home then.. :(
"I saw an angel in the marble and carved until I set him free" ~ Michelangelo
Anonymous Coward
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03/08/2010 10:20 PM
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Re: Feeling really down tonight
it really is tough to be away from someone you love in these situations. all i know is to try your best to think about the good times, even write a letter, even if she will never read it

hf
 Quoting: malu

Good advice from Malu, It helps me I know.
I will be praying for you & yours.
hf
THOR

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03/08/2010 10:22 PM
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Re: Feeling really down tonight
I am truely sorry to see you go through this. Lost my mother in law a few years ago to cancer. Will be losing my aunt soon. I know how you feel.... Really sucks. But hang in there.....
~Moi~  (OP)

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03/08/2010 10:22 PM
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Re: Feeling really down tonight
thanks only me, ac's and everybody. I really, really appreciate the words.

This sucks, and I have been trying to be positive and optimistic for hubby, but it is really hard when you don't have anyone to talk to about it all.
"I saw an angel in the marble and carved until I set him free" ~ Michelangelo
~Moi~  (OP)

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03/08/2010 10:24 PM
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Re: Feeling really down tonight
thanks guys... just typing this out has really helped. I am going to try and get some sleep now.

Tomorrow may bring a different perspective for me. :)
"I saw an angel in the marble and carved until I set him free" ~ Michelangelo
me777

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03/08/2010 10:26 PM

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Re: Feeling really down tonight
Sending prayers to you and your mother


SPFLOW1
When thy judgments are in the earth, the inhabitants of the world will learn righteousness.
Isaiah 26:9

"Exposing Those Who Contradict"
[link to bible-truths.com]

"For as in Adam ALL die, so also in the Messiah will ALL be made alive."
[link to www.tentmaker.org]
Holy Bat Shitman!

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03/08/2010 10:27 PM
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Re: Feeling really down tonight
sorry for being a dick,sorry to hear what you are going through 30 years of nursing and you dont have any shit you can pawn for a plane ticket or any money saved?or enough credit for a flight? come one you can find a way dude Id rather have the last few days with my mom then anything.if you really dont have any options that sucks ass too,I guess just pray or whatever for her and try to keep your head up


Actually, I don't.. we are about to lose our home due to the medical bills that his pathetic insurance policy don't cover.. in this shitty medical system that you guys laughingly call health care..

I sold all my business stuff when he got ill, actually more or less gave it away.. No one is buying...
$3000.00 of glass tempered glass shelving for 450.00

So no... I have nothing left to sell.

And then, I cannot leave my hubby while he is so sick from the chemo...

Nope... stuck here, whether I like it or not, whether I want to be or not. No choice! :(
 Quoting: ~Moi~

my bad that fuckin sucks guess all u can do is pray and try to stay positive,it is just a bad time i guess,a few months from now things will be different and you will feel more peaceful,um maybe take a xanax or two? hf

Last Edited by Holy Bat Shitman! on 03/08/2010 10:27 PM
Dozens of them. Armed to the teeth. I'm outnumbered. Outgunned. But the alley is crooked, dark, and very narrow. They can't surround me. Sometimes you can beat the odds with a careful choice of where to fight.



[link to batshitman.mybrute.com]
malu

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03/08/2010 10:27 PM
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Re: Feeling really down tonight
i remember talking to you when this happened:

Thread: Could use some TLC right about now :(


it really is tough to be away from someone you love in these situations. all i know is to try your best to think about the good times, even write a letter, even if she will never read it

hf

Oh yeah Malu... my sister! We breed them tough back home, cause she is still battling on. I guess I should be grateful really, at least I got to spend time with both of them when I was home then.. :(
 Quoting: ~Moi~


that is a miracle.
"By way of deception, thou shalt do war."

Israel's Mossad

"The truth shall set you free."

U.S. Central Intelligence Agency Motto
Only Me
Strawberry Girl

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03/08/2010 10:28 PM

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Re: Feeling really down tonight
thanks guys... just typing this out has really helped. I am going to try and get some sleep now.

Tomorrow may bring a different perspective for me. :)
 Quoting: ~Moi~

sweet sweet dreams, sugarpie


Goodbye, halcyon days...

 There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.

There is another theory mentioned, which states that this has already happened.
flatbed

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03/08/2010 10:38 PM
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Re: Feeling really down tonight
You were my rock when i lost my mom. I love you very much. i will be here if you need me at all. All my prayer and energy will go to this.
Anonymous Coward
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03/08/2010 10:40 PM
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Re: Feeling really down tonight
I'm just an AC but my heart goes out to you ... sending prayers for you and your loved ones.

Don't apologize for ranting here ... I've connected with people online who are more loving and caring than most in "real" life.

Your mom knows you love her and would be there if you could.



hf
Anonymous Coward
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03/08/2010 10:49 PM
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Re: Feeling really down tonight
hugs
Reality420
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03/08/2010 10:51 PM
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Re: Feeling really down tonight
Very sad indeed.

Since you're a nurse you know where you stand at the point the morphine stops working.

Phone calls, phone calls, phone calls. They're nearly as good as a face to face in my experience. Get a cell phone with local calling rates to NZ if any provider has that. Maybe Tracfone?

Anyway, phone calls mean a lot even if she can't respond very well.

Wishing you and your mom the best possible outcome.


R.
Jaclyn

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03/08/2010 11:00 PM
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Re: Feeling really down tonight
I'm so sorry, Moi. You must be a real fighter, like your mom, to be able to handle all you're going through at once. I wish you the best.
Anonymous Coward
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03/09/2010 08:30 PM
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Re: Feeling really down tonight
Are you here tonight?
Anonymous Coward
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03/09/2010 08:43 PM
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Re: Feeling really down tonight
Our prayers are with you too.

[link to SaveMeNowJesus.com]

Life can seem so unfair at times.
LoTech

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03/09/2010 08:56 PM
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Re: Feeling really down tonight
Words can't begin to heal in these situations, yet sometimes they are all we have.

Just as I hope you have taken some small measure of comfort from the comments on this thread, so too will you mother get some solace from the sound of your voice. It may not be the way you wish to connect with her, but it is the one thing you can give that will mean the most.

Even if she cannot understand your words, she will hear your voice. Have someone at her side, stroking her hair or touching her face while you talk to her. The touch and the sound of you voice will bring her comfort.

I feel for you, Moi, and I hope you can find some peace in this chaos by knowing all in your family feel loved. Know that even the hard-asses on this board are touched to our souls by your situation, and I, for one, wish you an abundance of strength and love through the coming days.

Peace.
~Moi~  (OP)

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03/12/2010 10:10 AM
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Re: Feeling really down tonight
Hi guys. Just an update..

Mum was taken by ambulance to the Cranford hospice, in Hastings last night, (she actually lives in Napier a few miles away). Her heart is playing up, actually it would be a blessing if it stopped working before her cancer can totally block her oesophagus.. she can barely swallow now. :(

My sisters all traveled down to be with her yesterday. The hospice doc told her and us, that she likely has less than 2 weeks left. So I am not anticipating that she will come out of hospice to die at home, as she wanted... (But at least she is in a most beautiful place, with wonderfully caring earth angels looking after her).

If she does come home, that would be nice for her, but at this stage it does not look likely.

At the moment, I feel as though I am just living on the edge.. and then to top it all off, hubby's white count has suddenly taken a dive. He saw the oncologist on Wed. So we are keeping an eye on that one as well.

Fuck, it never rains, but pours... as we say back home.

I want to thank all of you here who have posted such kind words.. you may never know how much I appreciate them, and even though I may never meet any of you in 'real' life, you words and thoughts really help.

Thank you all very much.
~Moi~
"I saw an angel in the marble and carved until I set him free" ~ Michelangelo
Sophie
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03/12/2010 10:29 AM
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Re: Feeling really down tonight
I feel sad for you. If thoughts are creation, then I would lie on my bed with a pillow and imagine I was holding my mother. I'm sure, so far away that she would feel comforted because life is mysterious and sometimes magical.

Hang in there I'll pray for you and your husband.
malu

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03/12/2010 10:38 AM
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Re: Feeling really down tonight
this is a side of GLP that i truly do appreciate. sometimes it is hard to remember that there are humans at the other end of all those words. you certainly have reminded me of this

you have a lot of people pulling for you in these difficult times

hf
"By way of deception, thou shalt do war."

Israel's Mossad

"The truth shall set you free."

U.S. Central Intelligence Agency Motto





GLP