It all started when our overrated adventurer, Da Swede, woke up in a bush. It was the second time it had happened. Feeling abnormally exasperated, Da Swede attacked a potato, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Before the all-seeing eyes of a perpetually displeased diety, he realized that his beloved shmelzer was missing! Immediately he called his undeclared soulmate, WW.Raupp. Da Swede had known WW.Raupp for (plus or minus) 2,000 years, the majority of which were striking ones. WW.Raupp was unique. He was attractive though sometimes a little... annoying. Da Swede called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.
WW.Raupp picked up to a very angry Da Swede. WW.Raupp calmly assured him that most long-haired sea monkeys yawn before mating, yet 3-legged wallabies usually flamboyantly belch *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Da Swede. Why was WW.Raupp trying to distract Da Swede? Because he had snuck out from Da Swede's with the shmelzer only five days prior. It was a electric little shmelzer... how could he resist?
It didn't take long before Da Swede got back to the subject at hand: his shmelzer. WW.Raupp yawned. Relunctantly, WW.Raupp invited him over, assuring him they'd find the shmelzer. Da Swede grabbed his whale and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, WW.Raupp realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the shmelzer and he had to do it deftly. He figured that if Da Swede took the pimp fresh, candy-painted 'Lac, he had take at least eight minutes before Da Swede would get there. But if he took the HanebuIV? Then WW.Raupp would be barely screwed.
Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, WW.Raupp was interrupted by seven stupid Owlies that were lured by his shmelzer. WW.Raupp belched; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling worried, he deftly reached for his dangerous oil-soaked rag and skillfully punched every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the lemur-infested moor, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the HanebuIV rolling up. It was Da Swede.
----o0o----
As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Seven-Eleven to pick up a 12-pack of dull pencils, so he knew he was running late. With a apt leap, Da Swede was out of the HanebuIV and went surreptitiously jaunting toward WW.Raupp's front door. Meanwhile inside, WW.Raupp was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the shmelzer into a box of gerbils and then slid the box behind his refrigerator. WW.Raupp was pleased but at least the shmelzer was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' WW.Raupp flamboyantly purred. With a calculated push, Da Swede opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some clueless social outcast in a rice rocket,' he lied. 'It's fine,' WW.Raupp assured him. Da Swede took a seat vaguely close to where WW.Raupp had hidden the shmelzer. WW.Raupp shuddered trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Da Swede was distracted. In a blinding moment of misguided bravado, WW.Raupp noticed a selfish look on Da Swede's face. Da Swede slowly opened his mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
WW.Raupp felt a stabbing pain in his armpit when Da Swede asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the shmelzer right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A abrasive look started to form on Da Swede's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's live hand grenades from when she used to have pet 3-legged wallabies. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Da Swede nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before WW.Raupp could react, Da Swede thoughtfully lunged toward the box and opened it. The shmelzer was plainly in view.
Da Swede stared at WW.Raupp for what what must've been seven minutes. Before the all-seeing eyes of a perpetually displeased diety, WW.Raupp groped sassily in Da Swede's direction, clearly desperate. Da Swede grabbed the shmelzer and bolted for the door. It was locked. WW.Raupp let out a curious chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Da Swede,' he rebuked. WW.Raupp always had been a little oafish, so Da Swede knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before WW.Raupp did something crazy, like... start chucking bananas at him or something. Just as zero people expected he gripped his shmelzer tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
WW.Raupp looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Da Swede. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame three days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Da Swede. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. WW.Raupp walked over to the window and looked down. Da Swede was gone.
----o0o----
Just yonder, Da Swede was struggling to make his way through the magical cornfield behind WW.Raupp's place. Da Swede had severely hurt his love handle during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Owlies suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the shmelzer. One by one they latched on to Da Swede. Already weakened from his injury, Da Swede yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Owlies running off with his shmelzer.
But then God came down with His clever smile and restored Da Swede's shmelzer. Feeling relieved, God smote the Owlies for their injustice. Then He got in His 'modded' Civic and zipped away with the fortitude of 550,000 3-legged wallabies running from a teensy pack of albino cats. Da Swede danced with joy when he saw this. His shmelzer was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in four minutes his favorite TV show, Idol, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When long-haired sea monkeys meet malaria'). Da Swede was jubilant. And so, everyone except WW.Raupp and a few rusty razor blade-toting legless puppies lived blissfully happy, forever after.
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*** L337 Story Generator v1.0
*** Written by Derek Clark. Copyright © www.the-elite.net ~ 2004-2005
*** Forever pwning with earnest.
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Sweden
New Zealand
