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Christian Weston Chandler

 
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User ID: 1053882
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08/01/2010 01:18 AM
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Christian Weston Chandler
[link to encyclopediadramatica.com]

Behold, the Mistake of God: Christian Weston Chandler.

Born February 24, 1982, Christian is a naïve, perverse, overweight, racist, pedophilic, homophobic, self-proclaimed "high-functioning autistic" Asperger virgin unpatriotic commie bastard of a manchild, and creator of his own skillfully-drawn series of comics starring Sonichu - his supremely insightful crossover of Pikachu and Sonic. As well as "suffering" from autism, Chris also suffers from a terminal case of unwarranted self-importance, the only cure for which would be to remove his head from his consequently gaping ass. At the time of this writing, Chris has found neither the time nor the conviction to do so.

Other names for Chris-Chan include: CWC, クリスちゃん, Ricardo Weston Chandler, Ian Brandon Anderson, Ian Brandon Something, The Impostor, Sammy, Antonio, Solid Chris, Asperchu or any other lulzy names trolls can make up for him, which will make him throw a tantrum.

The most notable physical characteristic of Chris, beyond the obvious corpulence, is that he wears a crayola FUCKIN' MODEL MAGIC medallion around his neck at all times in homage to his yellow Sonic re-color. In public. As if that weren't lame enough, Chris-chan actually has a shitload of medallions: The "Black Sonichu" medallion, and the "Rosechu" medallion (which he planned on giving to his sweetheart), suggesting that he has far too much free time on his hands. Which, of course, he does, because who the fuck would sit around on their fat ass all day coloring-in comic book pages if they had anything better to do with their lives?
Anonymous Coward (OP)
User ID: 1053882
United States
08/01/2010 01:20 AM
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Re: Christian Weston Chandler
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08/01/2010 01:21 AM
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Re: Christian Weston Chandler
It is of utmost importance that, before one ever enters a fixed one-mile radius around Christian Weston Chandler's Ruckersville, VA habitat, one is well-acquainted with the facts regarding this man's bleak existence, and the mortal and immediate danger that one's proximity to him represents, both to one's mental and physical well-being. In order to maintain his jaw-droppingly destructive lifestyle, as we will explore, Chris has had to sacrifice many of the normal human customs practiced in modern society, and seems to have synthesized an entirely new list of traits which he believes better-equips him to indulge in his trademark fantastical escapism via invented (read:stolen) comic book characters, blow-up sex dolls, and egomania. To wit:

* He rarely shuts up about Sonichu, the self-endorsed, self-authored and mind-numbing allegory of Chris's life, as viewed through his own massive, 1965-throwback rose-tinted glasses.
* His skin and hair is covered in a semi-permeable and self-renewing film of grease, not incomparable to an arctic permafrost of dead skin cells and sweat, proving definitively that he never showers.
* He wears recycled shirts from the Salvation Army and believes it's a cause for gloating. He really believes in recycling. That is, he really really really believes in recycling. He recycles everything.
* His scent is a combination of AXE and ASS (oversprayed, of course).
* He leaves the toilet seat up.
* HE CAN FEEL THE COSMOS!
* He is an aspie who is even hated by other aspies.
* In the event that you are able to speak with Chris, you should be prepared to encounter wave after wave of weak, juvenile aspersions cast in the hopes of making you forget just how abysmal Chris's life really is, along with creepy, probing questions about your personal life in regards to relationships with women. This is because Chris is still vainly searching for a girlfriend, years after first causing a shitstorm by walking into a local mall while in Community College, and advertising his desire for women via hand-held signage.
* He's also an animal fucker.
* He's a "Virgin with Rage", even though he's had prostitutes.
* He craps his briefs on a regular basis.
* He wears female undergarments.
* He piddles his cats.

Lastly:

* Once he starts stalking a woman, he'll tenaciously track her down, even if she's really an IRL troll, a 4chan troll or just doesn't exist.
* He ALWAYS mentions he's a virgin when he meets women. (I'm dead serious.)
Anonymous Coward (OP)
User ID: 1053882
United States
08/01/2010 01:26 AM
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08/01/2010 01:31 AM
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Anonymous Coward (OP)
User ID: 1053882
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08/01/2010 01:37 AM
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08/01/2010 01:50 AM
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Anonymous Coward (OP)
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08/01/2010 02:00 AM
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Anonymous Coward (OP)
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08/01/2010 02:19 AM
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