A long time ago, a child was born. He was named by his mother and grew on the only amount of love she could show him. But being unable to provide him with the things he needed and knowing that her love would not be enough, she handed him over to her own parents. He was adopted by them and was quickly given his own place in their lives.

Although many may see this as an act by an unloving mother, it was the opposite. She knew she'd never have the resources to raise him and at the time did not have the ability to gain access to them. The act was by a loving mother, whom was wise enough to know that her own parents would raise the child like their own, and teach him and give him the amount love she would be unable to. He would never know his real father.

This child was restless. He was obviously spoiled by this love, but from the observations by others his attitude would have been of a brat, not of someone who did not understand emotions being expressed. This child did not understand how others felt, lacking emotions others had. He was unable to show even basic affection for other living creatures and longed for something that felt, or in this case, did not feel, the same.

As he grew up, destiny threw a curveball into his life, and took one of the few people who understood him. His adoptive mother was taken by a cruel chance of fate and his life was forever changed. His father did not understand him, and although he tried to he was unable. Much like the child's birth mother, the adoptive father was unable to give him the same love his new mother had and was at a loss.

The child closed out the world, learning by books and other sources he found he lacked emotions felt by others, and was thus cursed to never be able to show affection to others like they could show him. His obvious cold attitude was seen as hatred by others, his content mood during stressful situations made him seem to, by others, be at one with violence, and even possibly enjoying it.
Even as he tried to mimic these emotions, he found the loss to be annoying, and at the worst times, aggrevating, causing him to have outbursts that would make him even more unlikeable.

As he grew older, he learned to shut others out, and only neared anyone he viewed as either lacking the same emotions (and thus, not missing them if they were not shown) or showed utter dislike of them. This "crowd" as one could call it was a collection of people from different backgrounds. Video gamers, sports fans, band members and even people from the "cool" or "gothic" scene. They, for the most part, didn't mind this boy, and didn't care if he was unable to show these emotions. They were able to converse with the child thanks to their similar interests.

Sadly, these people drifted apart, joining the military or moving away with their own families, love interests or for their jobs. This boy was left alone, with not a soul that understood him. He soon became depressed, unable to express his views, his problems or his loneliness to anyone. He contemplated suicide, even plotting out how he would do it and what time of day. He decided to try one last option and asked an online help group for that they were known for: stopping suicide.
But, the person that answered his cries for help had no idea what they were saying, and even asked him, "Are you joking?". Anger filled the boy and he grew to know that his life would never be fulfilled. He decided that suicide was a cowardly idea, and that although he was never known for his honor or his bravery he knew that he would never be able to live it down, neither to himself, nor to God.

As he went back to his life he watched people show emotion towards each other that he had never felt. He started watching people express these feelings time and time again towards one another, and even hid as these people told each other in trust and in secret how they felt. He knew the word for the feelings, the emotion. It was love. That the love he watched others exchange he would never feel nor be able to give. He also witnessed a more powerful version of his feeling that he had come to know as "true love". Another feeling he would never feel himself.

After years of trying to find out what was wrong with him he came across a word to describe himself- Sociopath. Although he wasn't a murder, nor did he have delusions or talk to people in his head he found nothing else matched. In all intents and purposes, he seen the world through a different lens and knew he was to never have a person to which he could show "love".

Although many could have thought he had these feelings, they were confusing them with other emotions. Many times the boy would attempt to fake the same facial expressions he observed others showing. For awhile he even tried to lie to himself and convince himself that he had these emotions but was unable to express them the right way. He learned after years of trying that he was never equiped with these emotions, and was saddened by the reality of the situation.

His anger drove him to try to seperate couples and drive them apart, trying out mindgames and even sowing the seeds of hatred. After a while of these he found that although these methods worked, he was unable to obtain gratification from his actions. He started watching TV, not the shallow love shows that many watch, but what he considered 'gold' buried under thousands of movies and shows. He watched these people under the guise of true love and knew that although he'd never feel these emotions it was up to him to make sure no one else felt this loneliness he had for years.

Since then, the boy has grown into a young man, and at times explores the nearby city at night. Watching couples and other people walk around enjoying themselves, and even attempting to disappear into the crowd as one of the "normal" people. Those supposedly closest to him don't know and may never know of his nightly wanderings, and only assume that for 14 hours a day he sits in his room, asleep.

The boy has met many people during his ventures that have "hit" on him, obviously trying to know the boy, but never seem to figure out his hidden lack of these emotions they look for. The boy, unable to show these emotions, gives odd or down right creepy answers and tends to drive the people away (on purpose or not). But he accepts these random encounters as a part of his curse. That maybe one day he will find someone that knows how he feels.

The world doesn't have a real name for him, and he is a relative unknown to the people around him. He tries to be nice, but comes across as unfriendly or down right scary. His inability to show important emotions, or express that fact that he lacks them causes him to have strong anger-filled emotional outbursts. Many could see this as a sign of immaturity, or even the deranged outbursts of a crazy man. The boy has taken great pains to hide himself from society, to only have commications with those he can understand without feeling love. These friendships are few and far between.


Sadly, because he has these inabilities, many do not understand his views on life around him, and believe him to be any number of strange things. He is unable to have any relationship with anyone of the opposite sex and does not want a relationship with anyone of the same. He does not have the wide range of emotions needed to hold onto a person or interact with many others. His inemotion is seen as strange by children and knowing he does not have these emotions he does not like being around them (love, kindness, a warm heart, things he can't show, or is unable to mimic).

Throughout time, many others have lacked or shown their inability to show emotions like love, and many have become mindless murderers or rapists, devouring the love of others in return for pain and death. This boy could have easily joined this crowd of demented peoples and has the knowledge and know-how to kill many innocents. But he does not want this, nor would he want to end his journey so prematurely.

What do I mean?
The child that has grown up still longs for the ability to feel things like love. To feel something outside of basic happiness or lust. To feel the warmth of someone's smile or the love in their heart. To feel their soul and see them as something more than just another person. To break his curse of loneliness. To be able to show love to someone for whom he can care for, to show love to someone he can spend the rest of his life with, and (though perferably not at this point in time) have children with.

If such a thing even happens, he would be willing to risk his life to protect their's. He would gladly end his own life in the defense of their's and even wage a war on village full of people to continue that person's existance should they require.

But this may never happen. Such a woman may never show up. Such luck would probably never befall the boy, and the guy knows it. Life is never fair, and the emotions he lacks may never be given to him, and anyone attempting to share them with him will most probably be driven off by the absense of them. And in this day, in this age, people are looking for lustful relationships more than one for love. And lust is not something this boy is interested in, as it is only a smaller, pathetic mimic of life, of love.

It's a sad life. A life that no other person should ever live. And yet, people seem to want to live this life, or are driven to push away those they love (or love them) in a stupid, reckless attempt to live this terrible existance.

If it isn't clear, I'm that boy. My name is Alex, and I live a relatively pointless existance, one that is pretty much put on a permanent hold by the destiny I am to live. The curse I bear is something no person should ever have to know. I don't try to seperate people anymore, but I do not play matchmaker. I'm just a person with experiences that tries to share them with others.

In the end, I am but a shadow. I live my life with a perpetual emptiness. A sadness that will never be rid of. A hole in one's soul that will remain forever. My life is but a single one in a sea of billions, a sand in an hour glass of time. A tear, in an ocean of water, in a torrent of rain. That is probably the reason I love the darkness, so that I will never see the emptiness around me. The reason I love the rain, so I can feel something wash over me, even if it is just the coldness of a cleansing downpour.
I've tried many times to fit in. To belong. But my inability to show love, or mimic the expressions of it, do nothing but drive people away. I believe my life here is all for naught. That my journey will meet a sad end, one that will never know the warmth of love.

And to be honest, I care not what you think of me, your hatred, your sympathy. The emotions of a person on the internet that I shall never meet are as empty as the hole in my soul.
I apologize to anyone I may have wronged in the past, on these boards and others. I apologize for the numerous wars and bloodly conflicts I have caused, the fights both in real life and in games, were friendships were torn in half by my jealous, vengeful nature.
I apologize now, and in my prayers to God.

I am forsaken. I am Zero, and I end my posts here with this thread.
It'll probably be deleted, or just drift to the bottom of the pile, buried never to be seen again.

And if you think I'm feeling sorry for myself? I am. But I feel more sorry for those souls that also live their lives with this same unease. This lack of love both the feeling and emotion.

-Last Post by Zerocyber, may you be lucky enough to never meet him.
(No edits, no spell check. My words may be mistyped, misspelled or misused. Deal with it)