Hi.. this is all new to me but I do not know what to do and I need help.

I come from an ex communist country, my grand father was the last communist prime minister in our country. He brought down communism.

I am his eldest grand child and didn't have a sister until I was 6 and a brother when I was 12, they seem more normal.. I always though I had a normal life and upbringing, living home and family, parents still together, went to a boarding school and should have been happy. But I was always lost and kinda watched my life go by as if from behind a clouded glass. I abused drugs a little bit for a new months and ended up quitting about 2 years ago, no more alcohol either and I turned to spirituality though a 12 step fellowship. Having to look at myself through the 12 steps I realized I have no memories of my childhood really, I have glimpses but I do not recall an our apartment, my room, moments, trips, school, merely some flashes. I have an imbedded feeling of having lived through trauma but do not know where and how. I am looking for answers. Maybe someone can help?