Female Horoscope Guide for Men

I am a woman and I saw the humor. It made me laugh.

Thats true about Aries women. Funny post

I'm a woman too..Cancer..Just call me crazy too!! LOL! I thought it was funny, wonder if the same applies to the men?

The Virgo one is true.

LOL, I have a friend who is Virgo and fits that description well. I laugh about it, but I'm sure her boyfriends dont.

Thanks, here's mine that was published about 10 years ago.

First some basics. There are 4 categories all signs fall into that are different in nature.

Air Signs: Gemini, Libra, and Aquarius - intellectual
Water Signs: Cancer, Scorpio, and Pisces - emotional
Fire Signs: Aries, Leo, and Sagittarius – exciting
Earth Signs: Taurus, Virgo, and Capricorn – practical

How to seduce a:

Aries – Keep running away from them until you catch them. Aries love a challenge. Mild indifference works best. To an Aries it’s all about the kill and timing is critical. Never say “I want you” before you’ve bedded an Aries because the game will be over and you will be declared a loser. If you really want to light their fire tell them they “bore you.”

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Aries: "Wanna fight?" Hot, tough, and enough street smarts to get them through just about any situation. Impossible to control, but one hell of a fun ride. While it lasts. Don't turn your back on them...there are NO exceptions to that rule. They make prominent hookers and very popular strippers because of their forceful but tantalizing personalities. Absolutely fearless. Never tell an Aries chick you love her, it’s a sign of weakness.

Joan Crawford was an Aries. I rest my case.

Taurus: If you can find one that doesn't look like the female Michelin Man you've got a keeper. Very passionate, loves to please, cultured with excellent taste and very picky in choosing their partner. They look at relationships like they were making an investment. Even the pretty ones will have some feature that you hate like man-hands or six toes or some shit like that. Good earners....you may retire early with this one.

Ella Fitzgerald, Kate Smith, Catherine the Great were all... Basically all famous fat people are....still can't figure out how they slipped Audrey Hepburn in there?

Gemini: A great smile is usually their best feature, and they are a very attentive and pleasing crew. But total dingbats. You'll be musing to yourself that somebody literally fucked their brains out. Ironically, what turns them on is mental stimulation, but nobody would ever know it because they all seem to have room temperature IQ's. They will either live their lives in two distinctly separate worlds with different personalities or you will wake up one morning, after they shape-shift, and you won't know who the fuck she is. Odd creatures but they make great fuck buddies and look good on stage swinging around a brass pole.

Anybody remember Marilyn Monroe?

Cancer: The life of the party, the center of attention, and total emotional basketcases. Not always the prettiest girl around but they have this vivacious cheerleader quality that draws you in...and into the insanity. These freaks are so creative at inventing problems you'll be wondering if you're not being Gaslighted. Great in bed though. If you're willing to plumb the Great Barrier Reef of emotions then this is your girl, but watch out for the other fish. Oh yeah, they will fuck your brother, your neighbor, your boss, your best friend, the mailman, you name it and all because they didn't like the tone of your voice when you told them you loved them that morning. Best sex I ever had was with a married Cancer Presbyterian Minister that was pissed at her husband (another Presbyterian Minister) cause they had a disagreement over the content of last Sunday's sermon. They can justify anything in their own minds and they have no remorse. Born pathological liars and good at it. If you decide to marry a Cancer, I will find your wife and fuck her. Sorry guys, that's just the way things work.

Barbara Stanwyck is the classic look, then there's the occasional Gina Lollobrigida, and of course Phyllis Diller just to round things out. God I would have loved to fuck Barbara Stanwyck about 60 years ago....rent the movie "Double Indemnity". I don't think that character challenged her acting ability very much.

Leo: ME ME ME ME ME! I hate those bitches. I'm a Leo too and I tried to give these cunts the benefit of the doubt but they don't deserve it. Anybody that has ever been in a relationship with one of these attention-mongering whores knows what I'm talking about. Bring your financial statement and practice genuflecting in front of a mirror...they expect you to know how. Fuck em'. If your name is Smith she'll want you to change it to Smythe. Nice hair though.

Lucille Ball, Jackie Kennedy. Next!

Virgo: Jeez.....why can't they be more like their male counterparts? Beautiful women, sharp features....the girl-next-door. They look good on your arm, limited sense of humor but can balance a checkbook in a
New York minute. Just look at the organization in their kitchen cabinets-scary ain't it? These girls are attracted to ambition and goals...try to cum on their face and they'll have you killed. Tightest pussy in the universe. But when they make a decision the relationship is over, don't waste any time trying to patch things up....you're done Bro. She doesn't even remember your name. It's interesting...their Virgo brothers are fuck sluts (sorry Ross) and they have a keenly developed sense of humor i.e. Seinfeld and others. Hey God----What the fuck happened here??? Last Virgo girlfriend I had brought me a fucking list of shit she wanted for Christmas and like the extravagant Leo that I am delivered on every item....Vickie the Virgo unwrapped her stuff with incredibly cool dispatch, looked at me and said "I didn't get you anything" and I've never seen her again. Fucking bitch.

Bacall, Bergman, Garbo, and of course Sophia Loren. How would you have liked to fuck Lauren Bacall before that dick Bogart got to her? Unbelievable.

Libra: The most beautiful member of the Zodiac. They will do anything to please in bed as long as you maintain a tasteful protocol outside of the bedroom. Just incredible lovers. And if you guys are wondering why you've never nailed a Libra it's because they are most ALL in long term committed relationships cause if you ever find one on the loose you'll do anything to keep her. Very soft, gentle features with eyes that melt. Wow.

Three of my all time favorites....hang on let me catch my breath. Deborah Kerr, Rita Hayworth, and Julie Andrews. I think Eleanor Roosevelt must have been mistaken about when she was born?

Scorpio: Exotic, beautiful, and mysterious. Suckers for seduction and you can take it to the extreme with these hotties cause when you start hitting the buttons on their dark side you can just hold on cause you are in for one intense passionate thrill ride to hell and back. I've always marveled at the way their skin mists up when they're aroused. They don't perspire....they just mist and that's even before you get their clothes off. Very hot. GameMaster's Number One pick. Find one that goes to church and put a ring on her finger dude. It just don't get any better.

Vivien Leigh/Scarlett O'Hara anyone? No wonder all her other movies sucked, she didn’t have the range..

Sagittarius: KookeyBirds...every last one of them. Major league cuties. I've never actually fucked a Sag and I'd rather keep them as friends. Besides, I don't think I could stop laughing long enough to accomplish the task. Look for the skinny blonde with the Woody Woodpecker personality. But don't be offended by anything they say...they have no control mechanism to stop their patented brand of brutal honesty from escaping their lips. They crack me up. Best buddy material of all. Funny as hell, take em' to a funeral and they'll laugh themselves silly all the way through the eulogy cause she overheard somebody say the dead guy "never looked better." I'm speaking from experience here obviously.

Mary Martin/Peter Pan. Told you these people are crazy.

Capricorn: Ah, those wonderful Capricorns. They are drawn to bad boys like a moth to a flame....until they are ready to settle down. And if you settle down with one of these vicious mercenaries be prepared to be driven like a slave until you give her everything she wants...cars, houses, jewelry, enterprise, status. Great fuck buddies. Don't get sucked into anything permanent unless you can afford it. One thing I've always admired about these women is that they tend to keep their beauty much longer than other women. Well into their 40's and 50's. Dark hair, beautiful olive complexions, and amazing DSL (dick sucking lips) and very eager to please....until they get what they want, and they will go to any lengths to get it.

Ava Fucking Gardner!!!!! The woman that singlehandedly destroyed Frank Sinatra-himself a KookeyBird.

Aquarius: Enigmatic and very very intelligent. Masters of the mindfuck and that is your doorway my friends. Get in her head and she'll do anything for you. Very cute, bouncy, cheerful dispositions, generally blonde, and look for that little ridge on their nose that always seems to be there....either a birth feature or because a boyfriend smacked the shit out of her cause he couldn't deal with her aloof attitude about their relationship. More interested in having friends than lovers.

Has anyone ever said "I don't give a fuck" like Kim Novak?

Pisces: "So, how long have you been on Prozac?" Great outward personalities, sweet, very hot, eager to please, can be easily controlled and manipulated. Just don't go too far. I guess the favorite attempt on my life (never thought about it that way) was by the queen of the Pisces Psycho's and you want to hear something weird....I miss her. I even went to the extreme to find her a few months ago in an attempt to resurrect our relationship for about the fourth time but she had her husband tell me to go away. What a goober that guy was! I'll try again next year. They all seem to have that certain 'hard to forget' quality. Oh yeah, they love to be fucked in the ass. Go ahead guys, check me out on this... and you don't have to ask permission. Their Uncle Ray already took care of that for ya. I saw a poll one time that indicated about 60% of strippers everywhere are Pisces. Go figure.

Elizabeth Taylor pretty much says it all. Take a peak at "Virginia Woolf" and you now have seen the Pisces construct laid bare.

That's today's rant. Hold the applause.

"Pisces"?

They are all insane. The only ones worse are Cancers.

I am a female but enjoyed reading it,I am a Leo and it fits me to a tee

Congratulations on your hair.

hahah im an Aries woman and that is true

Wow, impressive and funny too!

I can't hold the applause, I really enjoyed that.

I've never dated a fellow-Gemini but I'm sure all 4 of us would have a blast! ;-`)

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