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The US Armed Forces - how to respond upon encountering a Snake in the Area of Operations (AO)

 
nexuseditor
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The US Armed Forces - how to respond upon encountering a Snake in the Area of Operations (AO)
The Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model): Upon encountering a Snake in the Area of Operations (AO)

1. Intelligence Officer: Snake? What snake? Only four of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW. Ignore.

2. Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.

3. Armor: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.

4. Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.

5. Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.

6. Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (i.e., cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.

7. Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel settlement upon return.

8. Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using countermobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.

9. Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS kill Muslim extremist snakes.

10. Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection.

11. Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.

12. Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost.

13. Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.

14. Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works feverishly to save snake's life.

15. Supply: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder.)

16. Transport pilot: Receives call for anti-snake equipment, and delivers two weeks after due date.

17. F-15 pilot: Misidentifies snake as enemy Mil-24 Hind helicopter and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on aircraft.

18. F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and misses snake target, but gets direct hit on Embassy 100 KM East of snake due to weather (Too Hot also Too Cold, Was Clear but too overcast, Too dry with Rain, Unlimited ceiling with low cloud cover etc...) Claims that purchasing multimillion dollar, high-tech snake-killing device will enable it in the future to kill all snakes and achieve a revolution in military affairs.

19. AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, snakes don't show well on infrared. Infrared only operable in desert AO's without power lines or SAM's.

20. HH-53 Jolly Green pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake builds bonfire, pops smoke, lays out flares to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into fire.

21. B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every other living thing within two miles of target.

22. Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds, but can't receive authorization from National Command Authority to use nuclear weapons.

23. Aviation: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to snake. Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure.

24. Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing professional courtesy.

25. Military Police: Handcuffs snake's head to its tail, reads it its Miranda rights, then proceeds to beat snake to a pulp with night stick.


(Source: Intelligence Forum, April 2001)

Last Edited by nexuseditor on 10/12/2011 03:09 AM
"The nature of the universe is such that ends can never justify the means. On the contrary, the means always determine the end."
(Aldous Huxley)
nexuseditor  (OP)

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10/12/2011 06:23 PM
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Re: The US Armed Forces - how to respond upon encountering a Snake in the Area of Operations (AO)
bump
"The nature of the universe is such that ends can never justify the means. On the contrary, the means always determine the end."
(Aldous Huxley)
Sixstringcharlie

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10/15/2011 07:47 AM
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Re: The US Armed Forces - how to respond upon encountering a Snake in the Area of Operations (AO)
Not your usual stuff nexus.

What would they do when encountering Project Bluebeam?

Or a neural Brain amplifier.

Funny thing that Bluebeam [the mind intrusion part not the atmospheric projection part] could make a person think they had the devil in there own house, of course it would help if the person was tripping on acid and had just called out a forum administrator on certain issues of speculation.
When they are giving you their all some stagger and fall after all its not easy banging your heart against some mad buggers wall

If you never knew you were under control you would never try to break free

Even the hero gets a bullet in the chest,once upon a time in the west
how do you know if you are going to fast, you guess, once upom a time in the west
Anonymous Coward
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10/15/2011 07:54 AM
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Re: The US Armed Forces - how to respond upon encountering a Snake in the Area of Operations (AO)
cruise It's funny because it's true :D
nexuseditor  (OP)

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10/15/2011 11:54 AM
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Re: The US Armed Forces - how to respond upon encountering a Snake in the Area of Operations (AO)
Not your usual stuff nexus.

What would they do when encountering Project Bluebeam?

Or a neural Brain amplifier.

Funny thing that Bluebeam [the mind intrusion part not the atmospheric projection part] could make a person think they had the devil in there own house, of course it would help if the person was tripping on acid and had just called out a forum administrator on certain issues of speculation.
 Quoting: Sixstringcharlie


Yes, not the 'usual' - but it doesn't hurt to laugh now and then.

:)
"The nature of the universe is such that ends can never justify the means. On the contrary, the means always determine the end."
(Aldous Huxley)
Nickadeemus

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10/16/2011 10:43 PM
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Re: The US Armed Forces - how to respond upon encountering a Snake in the Area of Operations (AO)
Extremely Funny OP, due to the fact that it is absolutely true.

Nick®
laugh
Pure Life; Get it on...
MrCharlest
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10/16/2011 10:44 PM
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Re: The US Armed Forces - how to respond upon encountering a Snake in the Area of Operations (AO)
This is beautiful stuff man. Got any more?
s. d. butler

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10/16/2011 11:28 PM
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Re: The US Armed Forces - how to respond upon encountering a Snake in the Area of Operations (AO)
The Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model): Upon encountering a Snake in the Area of Operations (AO)

1. Intelligence Officer: Snake? What snake? Only four of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW. Ignore.

2. Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.

3. Armor: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.

4. Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.

5. Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.

6. Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (i.e., cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.

7. Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel settlement upon return.

8. Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using countermobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.

9. Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS kill Muslim extremist snakes.

10. Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection.

11. Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.

12. Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost.

13. Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.

14. Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works feverishly to save snake's life.

15. Supply: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder.)

16. Transport pilot: Receives call for anti-snake equipment, and delivers two weeks after due date.

17. F-15 pilot: Misidentifies snake as enemy Mil-24 Hind helicopter and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on aircraft.

18. F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and misses snake target, but gets direct hit on Embassy 100 KM East of snake due to weather (Too Hot also Too Cold, Was Clear but too overcast, Too dry with Rain, Unlimited ceiling with low cloud cover etc...) Claims that purchasing multimillion dollar, high-tech snake-killing device will enable it in the future to kill all snakes and achieve a revolution in military affairs.

19. AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, snakes don't show well on infrared. Infrared only operable in desert AO's without power lines or SAM's.

20. HH-53 Jolly Green pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake builds bonfire, pops smoke, lays out flares to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into fire.

21. B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every other living thing within two miles of target.

22. Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds, but can't receive authorization from National Command Authority to use nuclear weapons.

23. Aviation: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to snake. Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure.

24. Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing professional courtesy.

25. Military Police: Handcuffs snake's head to its tail, reads it its Miranda rights, then proceeds to beat snake to a pulp with night stick.


(Source: Intelligence Forum, April 2001)
 Quoting: nexuseditor


Made me laugh. Thanks, OP
Anonymous Coward
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12/31/2011 06:43 PM
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Re: The US Armed Forces - how to respond upon encountering a Snake in the Area of Operations (AO)
moshpit
USMC_RECON

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11/21/2012 10:21 PM

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Re: The US Armed Forces - how to respond upon encountering a Snake in the Area of Operations (AO)
LOL...

Ever been close to a real snake....hehe...nope...

You would shit your whale tail shorts remf

off to the gray wit ya....

But then again...you have never supoprted a real opinion on anything you have posted....only copies....poser bitch!
I work for the Government......I'm here to help!
[link to thefallen.militarytimes.com]
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 23766809
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11/21/2012 11:29 PM
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Re: The US Armed Forces - how to respond upon encountering a Snake in the Area of Operations (AO)
LOL...

Ever been close to a real snake....hehe...nope...

You would shit your whale tail shorts remf

off to the gray wit ya....

But then again...you have never supoprted a real opinion on anything you have posted....only copies....poser bitch!
 Quoting: USMC_RECON


One day there was a Marine Corp Infantry battalion out in the desert conducting some field exercises.

While doing a forced march across some rolling hills the Battalion XO noticed a figure over the next hill waving.

The XO immediately called for the movement to stop and allerted their commander on the radio.

The Colonel quikly made his way to the front of the formation. His XO handed him his binos and said...

"Directly to 12 o clock sir. Lone soldier, waving his arms trying to get our attention"

The Colonel looked through the binos. Just as he did, the soldier gave him the finger as he stood defiantly on his hill.

"What the hell! That soldier just flipped me off. Call A company, tell them to send a squad over there and bring that soldier to me. He's got some explaining to do."

As the squad advanced the lone soldier strolled over the next hill out of sight. The squad of Marines followed.

Just as suddenly as they were out of sight, painful screams and yelling could be heard. Then silence.

The lone soldier reappeared on top of his hill. And again, he gave the Colonel the finger.

"What the fuck!" Said the Colonel. He was not ammused. "Send the rest of A company, I want this asshole brought to me NOW!"

Again, the lone soldier strolled over the hill and out of sight, with the company of Marines is pursuit.

Just as before, when they were out of sight painful screams and yelling were heard, accompanied by flying web gear and rifles.

The Colonel was flabbergasted. "God damn it! Send B and C companies! I want that man dead or alive!"

The lone soldier stood defiantly on his hill... laughing. As the rest of the Marine Battalion approached the lone soldier disappeared over the hill.

Once again, just as the Marines were out of sight, screaming and yelling were heard from the battle. Again, accompanied by flying web gear, rifles, and even flying body parts and blood.

The Colonel was beside himself. "What in the hell is going on down there?! It's just one man!"

Then the Colonel could see one of his Marines slowly crawling over the hill towards him.

The Marine finaly made his way to the Colonel and he asked, "What in the hell happened Marine!"

The Marine had just enough strength left to whisper his reply...

"It was a trick sir... he was a Ranger... and there were two of them."
Anonymous Coward
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11/22/2012 12:16 AM
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Re: The US Armed Forces - how to respond upon encountering a Snake in the Area of Operations (AO)
bump for chuckle
Anonymous Coward
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11/22/2012 11:52 AM
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Re: The US Armed Forces - how to respond upon encountering a Snake in the Area of Operations (AO)
bump

Not many people here like military humor I take it? I was hoping to come back to this thread and find some more material...
Siward

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11/22/2012 12:20 PM
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Re: The US Armed Forces - how to respond upon encountering a Snake in the Area of Operations (AO)
The Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model): Upon encountering a Snake in the Area of Operations (AO)

1. Intelligence Officer: Snake? What snake? Only four of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW. Ignore.

2. Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.

3. Armor: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.

4. Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.

5. Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.

6. Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (i.e., cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.

7. Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel settlement upon return.

8. Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using countermobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.

9. Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS kill Muslim extremist snakes.

10. Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection.

11. Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.

12. Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost.

13. Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.

14. Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works feverishly to save snake's life.

15. Supply: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder.)

16. Transport pilot: Receives call for anti-snake equipment, and delivers two weeks after due date.

17. F-15 pilot: Misidentifies snake as enemy Mil-24 Hind helicopter and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on aircraft.

18. F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and misses snake target, but gets direct hit on Embassy 100 KM East of snake due to weather (Too Hot also Too Cold, Was Clear but too overcast, Too dry with Rain, Unlimited ceiling with low cloud cover etc...) Claims that purchasing multimillion dollar, high-tech snake-killing device will enable it in the future to kill all snakes and achieve a revolution in military affairs.

19. AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, snakes don't show well on infrared. Infrared only operable in desert AO's without power lines or SAM's.

20. HH-53 Jolly Green pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake builds bonfire, pops smoke, lays out flares to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into fire.

21. B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every other living thing within two miles of target.

22. Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds, but can't receive authorization from National Command Authority to use nuclear weapons.

23. Aviation: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to snake. Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure.

24. Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing professional courtesy.

25. Military Police: Handcuffs snake's head to its tail, reads it its Miranda rights, then proceeds to beat snake to a pulp with night stick.


(Source: Intelligence Forum, April 2001)
 Quoting: nexuseditor


brilliant
Siward
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11/22/2012 01:16 PM
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Re: The US Armed Forces - how to respond upon encountering a Snake in the Area of Operations (AO)
Thats brilliant !!