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Mormons believe that we are now living in the End Times

 
Anonymous Coward
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10/18/2005 03:01 PM
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Mormons believe that we are now living in the End Times
Why do the Mormons believe that we are now living in the End Times? When are the events foretold in Revelation going to occur? To answer these questions, you need to know something about Kolob, the planet somewhere in our galaxy where Elohim lives.


It is simply this: one day on Kolob is one thousand Earth years in duration. Another way of saying this is that it takes 365,242.2 times longer for Elohim to change his calendar than it does us. Thus, World War Two lasted for about 8 minutes and 38 seconds, if you were wearing a wristwatch made on Kolob.

Anyway, the Earth is scheduled to undergo the tribulation at the end of its sixth Kolob day. Maybe the Mormons agree with Bishop Ussher´s assessment that the world was created on the 23rd of October, 4,004 B.C. Whatever their particular method, the LDS church teaches the world is just barely short of 6,000 years old.

Get it? If Elohim began the Earth last Monday on Kolob, then right now it´s just about 11:50 p.m. on Saturday. This doctrine is particularly interesting when you learn that Joseph Smith predicted in 1842:

Were I going to prophesy, I would say the end
would not come in 1844, 5 or 6, or in forty years.
There are those of the rising generation who shall not
taste death till Christ comes. ... I prophesy in the
name of the Lord God, and let it be written -- the
Son of Man will not come in the clouds of heaven till
I am eighty-five years old (48 years hence or about 1890).

Funny to some, the end DID come in 1844... to Joseph, at least. However, due to its flaming falsity, this prophecy has been conveniently ignored by the LDS church.

So the Mormons honestly believe that The Hour is almost at hand. What are they doing about it? For one thing, each family is under orders to stockpile a year´s supply of food. (Don´t believe it? Go get the fantastic documentary Sherman´s March by Ross McElwee, available at better video rental stores. There´s a small segment in McElwee´s film where a Mormon woman he´s dating explains that the end of the world is coming soon and shows him the food her family has been stockpiling for it.)

When I first read about this, I have to admit that an appealing thought crossed my mind: don´t bother stockpiling food and water in case of natural disaster -- instead, plan to wrestle them from the nearest Mormon family. But then I read about their "72-hour kits", the reasoning behind which is explained in the book In Mormon Circles by James Coates:

A primary principle of civil defense is that the
key to surviving catastrophe isn´t just laying in
supplies to tide one over the period during which the
irradiated landscape cools down, but rather taking
steps to withstand the rigors and dangers of the first
three days. It is those initial seventy-two hours of
upheaval and rioting as the unprepared struggle to
take away the supplies of their more prudent neighbors
that pose the greatest threat to long-term survival.

To me, this means one word: GUNS. Suddenly, the thought of forcing my way past the door of a Mormon family´s basement-turned-barricade turned from glee to horror. Assuming the Saints survive those first hectic days after the bombs fall, they´ll have to lay low for a while, consuming those tasty rations while we Gentiles are wiped off the face of the Earth.

After the smoke clears, however, the Mormons are planning to trek over to Salt Lake City. After taking a head count and giving each other much-deserved mutual high-fives, the Saints will travel en masse to the historical site of Eden, where they will come to dwell in paradise on Earth.

They´ll probably take I-70, passing eastward through Topeka, Kansas. The survivors of Armageddon, those chosen few directed by God to dwell in Eden, will find it in the hometown of Harry S. Truman: Independence, Missouri.
holy polygamy, batman
User ID: 11472
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10/18/2005 03:05 PM
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Re: Mormons believe that we are now living in the End Times
Mormons are no better (or worse) than Jehovah´s Witnesses. Different freaks for different geeks.

5a
JayRodney

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10/18/2005 03:14 PM
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Re: Mormons believe that we are now living in the End Times
They also believe in polygamy, white talking Salamanders and Joseph Smiths ability to interpret ancient egyptian...and the Osmond family...
Babe in a Bunker

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10/18/2005 03:40 PM
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Re: Mormons believe that we are now living in the End Times
Don´t forget they think cows are from space. That´s my favorite.

alien16
Well it seems so real I can see it
And it seems so real I can feel it
And it seems so real I can taste it
And it seems so real I can hear it
So why can't I touch it?
So why can't I touch it?


Twatter: [link to twitter.com]
JayRodney

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10/18/2005 03:42 PM
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Re: Mormons believe that we are now living in the End Times
You mean...they arnt?
Dr Strange nli
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10/18/2005 03:43 PM
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Re: Mormons believe that we are now living in the End Times
They are not the only ones who believe we are in the end times ...many groups do and many more will start to ...even the nay-sayers will start ...mark my words on this.
susano

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10/18/2005 03:43 PM
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Re: Mormons believe that we are now living in the End Times
The entire state of Utah is under mind control
Dreamcatcher
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10/18/2005 03:44 PM
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Re: Mormons believe that we are now living in the End Times
........."and the correct answer is Mormons...yes, mormons......"
JayRodney

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10/18/2005 03:49 PM
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Re: Mormons believe that we are now living in the End Times
naysayers dont really say nay do they?
bohica

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10/18/2005 03:49 PM
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Re: Mormons believe that we are now living in the End Times
awhole bunch of Mormons thought the end was a year or two ago, they charged a whole bunch of survival stuff and went bankrupt.
Fitting for an "organized religion".
Leave me alone and I'll return the favor.
Guns and gardening, peaceful prosperity





GLP