Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible | |
notinfallible User ID: 30106402 United States 12/17/2012 03:54 AM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | _______________________________________________________ Have you heard the joke about the baby with AIDS? It never gets old. _________________________________________________________ I lost my virginity to a retarded girl last night... I wanted my first time to be special. _______________________________________________________ Why does it take longer for a woman to orgasm than a man? Who cares? _______________________________________________________ What do you do after you rape a 12 year old deaf dumb and blind girl? Break her fingers so she cant tell her mom. __________________________________________________________ Last Edited by notinfallible on 12/17/2012 03:58 AM Brawndo's got electrolytes. |
Elsabiades... User ID: 13002420 United States 12/17/2012 03:56 AM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | After being married, the old couple goes to a local motel to consumate....the older lady takes a seat on the bed and removes her blouse and says: "I just want you to know that I have acute angina"...the old man says: "I sure as hell hope so; those tities are hidious." A fellow in the bar drinks too much and throws up on his shirt; he asks the bartender: "What am I going to do? My wife will kill me!" The bartender says: "Just put a ten dollar bill in your shirt pocket and tell your wife that somebody threw up on your shirt; but gave you a ten dollar bill for dry cleaning".....so the drunk heads home, and upon arrival knocks on the door...his wife opens it and says: "What in the hell happen to you?" The drunk says:"Oh, somebody got too drunk and threw up on my shirt, but he gave me ten dollars to send it to the dry cleaners"...the wife said: "Well, why is there a twenty dollar bill in your shirt pocket?"...the drunk says: "Well, he shit in my pants too"......... |
Dapurps User ID: 26604792 Canada 12/17/2012 03:56 AM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | |
Dapurps User ID: 26604792 Canada 12/17/2012 03:57 AM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | |
Dapurps User ID: 26604792 Canada 12/17/2012 04:00 AM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face. "Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside. He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud. "Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home." The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep. "You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said. "Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?" "You left your wheelchair at the bar again." "What you perceive to be becomes your reality." :ftwpanda: dapurps |
Lamplite User ID: 945308 New Zealand 12/17/2012 04:01 AM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | Unfortunately, the wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early enough, decided to go to the party. Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little touch here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and, being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe who had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished ... naturally, since he was her husband. Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away, and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." - "Did you dance much?" - "You know, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Browning, and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to..." . |
Anonymous Coward User ID: 29907979 United States 12/17/2012 04:02 AM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | |
notinfallible User ID: 30106402 United States 12/17/2012 04:04 AM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | |
Anonymous Coward (OP) User ID: 29125921 New Zealand 12/17/2012 04:04 AM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. Quoting: Lamplite Unfortunately, the wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early enough, decided to go to the party. Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little touch here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and, being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe who had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished ... naturally, since he was her husband. Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away, and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." - "Did you dance much?" - "You know, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Browning, and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to..." . |
Anonymous Coward (OP) User ID: 29125921 New Zealand 12/17/2012 04:04 AM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | |
notinfallible User ID: 30106402 United States 12/17/2012 04:06 AM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | |
notinfallible User ID: 30106402 United States 12/17/2012 04:06 AM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | |
notinfallible User ID: 30106402 United States 12/17/2012 04:07 AM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | |
Anonymous Coward (OP) User ID: 29125921 New Zealand 12/17/2012 04:07 AM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | |
notinfallible User ID: 30106402 United States 12/17/2012 04:07 AM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | |
Anonymous Coward (OP) User ID: 29125921 New Zealand 12/17/2012 04:08 AM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | |
notinfallible User ID: 30106402 United States 12/17/2012 04:08 AM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | |
Anonymous Coward User ID: 29907979 United States 12/17/2012 04:09 AM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | |
Lamplite User ID: 945308 New Zealand 12/17/2012 04:11 AM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | Three women die together in an accident And go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!' So they enter heaven, and sure enough, There are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, And although they try their best to avoid them, The first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to Spend eternity chained to this ugly man!' The next day, The second woman steps accidentally on a duck And along comes St. Peter, Who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together With the same admonishment as for the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and, Not wanting to be chained For all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERYcareful where she steps. She manages to go months Without stepping on any ducks, then One day St.Peter comes up to her With the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on .... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being Chained to you for all of eternity?' The guy says, 'I don't know about you, But I stepped on a Duck. . |
Anonymous Coward User ID: 29907979 United States 12/17/2012 04:13 AM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | |
Anonymous Coward User ID: 29907979 United States 12/17/2012 04:14 AM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | |
notinfallible User ID: 30106402 United States 12/17/2012 04:14 AM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | What do you call a redneck with two sheep? A pimp. ___________________________________________ My girlfriend told me I was a pedophile. That's an awfully big word for a nine year-old. ________________________________________________ What are the best four years of a redneck's life? Sixth grade. __________________________________________________ How can you tell which is the head nurse? The one with the dirty knees. ____________________________________________________ What's the best thing about fucking homeless girls? When you're done, you can drop 'em off anywhere. ______________________________________________________ What does it taste like when you go down on an old lady? Depends... Brawndo's got electrolytes. |
Dapurps User ID: 26604792 Canada 12/17/2012 04:15 AM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | Three women die together in an accident Quoting: Lamplite And go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!' So they enter heaven, and sure enough, There are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, And although they try their best to avoid them, The first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to Spend eternity chained to this ugly man!' The next day, The second woman steps accidentally on a duck And along comes St. Peter, Who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together With the same admonishment as for the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and, Not wanting to be chained For all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERYcareful where she steps. She manages to go months Without stepping on any ducks, then One day St.Peter comes up to her With the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on .... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being Chained to you for all of eternity?' The guy says, 'I don't know about you, But I stepped on a Duck. . "What you perceive to be becomes your reality." :ftwpanda: dapurps |
Anonymous Coward (OP) User ID: 29125921 New Zealand 12/17/2012 04:16 AM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | What do you call a redneck with two sheep? A pimp. Quoting: notinfallible ___________________________________________ My girlfriend told me I was a pedophile. That's an awfully big word for a nine year-old. ________________________________________________ What are the best four years of a redneck's life? Sixth grade. __________________________________________________ How can you tell which is the head nurse? The one with the dirty knees. ____________________________________________________ What's the best thing about fucking homeless girls? When you're done, you can drop 'em off anywhere. ______________________________________________________ What does it taste like when you go down on an old lady? Depends... Still the leader |
trailingedge User ID: 28930356 Australia 12/17/2012 04:16 AM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | |
Smashy76 User ID: 28768606 Canada 12/17/2012 04:17 AM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | Joke- What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? punchline-Nothing, she's already been told twice! Joke- How do you save a drowning Politician ? Punchline- Take your foot off his head... (I'm using "politician" instead of a race or culture) Joke- What do you throw a drowning illegal alien? Punchline- His wife and kids.... (again I'm using the term "illegal alien" to be a little more politically correct) Joke- What does Micheal Jackson and garbage bags have in common? Punchline- Both are made of plastic and both are dangerous for kids to play with... Joke- How do you circumcise a redneck? Punchline- Kick his sister in the jaw. I'm not racist, I hate everyone equally. I'd rather be judged by 12, then carried by 6. |
Anonymous Coward (OP) User ID: 29125921 New Zealand 12/17/2012 04:19 AM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | |
HI.Lander User ID: 28896397 United States 12/17/2012 04:19 AM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | What do you call a redneck with two sheep? A pimp. Quoting: notinfallible ___________________________________________ My girlfriend told me I was a pedophile. That's an awfully big word for a nine year-old. ________________________________________________ What are the best four years of a redneck's life? Sixth grade. __________________________________________________ How can you tell which is the head nurse? The one with the dirty knees. ____________________________________________________ What's the best thing about fucking homeless girls? When you're done, you can drop 'em off anywhere. ______________________________________________________ What does it taste like when you go down on an old lady? Depends... Still the leader LOL, that guy is on a roll. I'm finally going to stop drinking for good... I'll now only drink for evil. Today I broke my personal record for most consecutive days lived. |
notinfallible User ID: 30106402 United States 12/17/2012 04:19 AM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | |
Anonymous Coward User ID: 2230505 United States 12/17/2012 04:21 AM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | |