Listen up, OP. I, as a woman, have experienced a similiar story as my life. I was dedicated to god, I thought, I certainly tried my entire life to live as I think God would desire.

I'm almost 70 years old. After being homless I found a tiny apt that is subsidized for seniors. My tiny social security check provides no security whatsoever. Even my two sons have turned their back to me. Seems everyone I ever loved have judged me as an infidel.....hence I am abandoned by my biological family.

I grieved for perhaps a decade. Then I got mad.

I would personally like to hear some anger in your words. I think you've begun to believe that you are not worthy of any good thing. That, my friend, is a lie. If there is a god, you are created in it's image. You are worthy of every good thing.

Don't allow anyone to treat you as though you are worthless.

It's anger that's allowed me to survive. Anger not directed at any one or any thing in particular. Just anger that this world is so unfair and good people are suffering and don't know why.

I set my jaw and told myself, "I will not let the bastards get me down". It works. I live my life mostly as a hermit because I have enormous trust issues. But I respect myself and know in my heart I am not guilty of those things said against me.

I reside in a community that doesn't know me, and this is how I will keep it. I'm friendly, I care about those around me, but I've stopped with the empathy that once was so powerful within me. I'm no longer in a position to help anyone......but I so want you to find that anger and experience the strength that it will bring you.

I wish you, OP, the very, very best that this world has to offer. May you learn to love yourself as much, as you love your neighbor.

May PEACE be yours......you deserve it.