HELP: Please tell me about modern teenage girls. my 19 yo cousin is coming to live with me.

this has the making of a disaster. Here is how I think it will unfold . The first week the 19yo will be ok she wants to get fimilar with her surroundings,Second week 19 yo will claim she is looking for a job but she has been bar hopping, 3rd week she will be coming home very late and waking up around noon. By the 4th week thats when she will have all your information credit card numbers, bank account info, etc,etc by the time you realize she has maxed out your credit cards and bounced your checking account . When she is confronted she will claim she has a drug problem and wants to get treatment. Op will feel sorry for her once again and pay for her drug treatment. After she is released we start over back to week 1

thank you all for your advice and encouragement!
i never thought that God might be sending her my way.
(..i'm sure i have some major karma to work off!)
but that idea gives me a whole different perspective on this situation.
you people are smart!

lol how old are you two 90? 19 yea old girl will look at you like wha? is this women stoo0pid?

This^^^^^

It's your house, lay down your expectations and limitations and make them clear. But you can be nice about it.

Do you work, Buttercup? At home, or away?

Do you go to bed at certain times, get up at certain times, and need a certain amount of sleep?

Do you have pets?

One, or more bathrooms? Any space for her to put her makeup, personal items, so there's no excuse for it to be all over the counter tops, falling down the drains?

Do you need the bathroom/shower at a certain time? There's not a lot worse with a house guest, than to go in to take your shower, after waiting 45 min. to find that you have to wait again until the hair spray fumes clear out.

Perceptive people would tune in to your schedule and time theirs so that you weren't disturbed during sleep time, and that they wouldn't be in the space you need during certain times.

Considerate, appreciative people, would make sure their area was always clean and neat, leave nothing in your area or the common area, as would cook the meals and do cleanup, do the laundry, and basic daily chores and make sure music and tv were off when you were in bed.

Those things might have gone by the wayside, because things are SO different now. Hard to give someone else advice, but hope you'll give some thought to your schedule, how important/necessary it is to you, so you can get that straight before she comes.

Good of you to try to help and I hope it works out for both of you.

Sorry, once I started typing, it turned into a book!

As one who has had multiple inlaws (nephews, nieces, mother in law) stay with us, I can give some advice here. This can really can pay off when you see them years later doing much better and on their own. But in the process, it can be frustrating sometimes. Also, some of your friends and family will say that you're being taken advantage of, and that's where you need to stay vigilent and not let that happen. Keep the big picture in focus here too. In this life, it's not all about us. Very counter-current-culture these days.

First off, when she gets there, she needs to understand that this is going to be a two way street. Also, you're doing this to help HER. Not you, but her. You expect in return that she shows you respect. Respect of your privacy and property. And, in return you will respect her privacy.

Note: this is not a cart Blanche to do what ever she pleases, whenever she pleases. There will be curfews of when the door is shut for the night. And there wil be NO and I mean NO strangers in the house. (Hint: respecting you and your privacy and property).

The second is you need her to come up with a timeline, a plan, that you can help her put together, of when and how she is going to be back on her feet. She's gotta take ownership of this. It's her future, her life, her plan.
You can help her, give her advice, but she has to make the decisions. You don't want anything in the future coming back to you along the lines of "Well, I'm in this mess because aunt (insert your name here) MADE ME DO SUCH AND SUCH.
No, it's her plan for her future. She owns it. Now the important part...hold her to it. Make a monthly planning meeting where the two of you go over where she is in her plan. What has worked, what hasn't, and what is SHE going to do to get back on track. This is not to be viewed as an inspection where you're going to tear into what she's doing. Instead, it's a progress update that she can share what she has done to better her future.

Make it a fun night if at all possible. If the progress is really good, then celebrate together.

Just a few other things to remember along the way:
You're not her mommy.
You're doing this to help her.
She is an adult, though at that age they often don't act like it!
She will make mistakes.
You will make mistakes.
Keep the lines of communication OPEN.


Hope this helps a little, and good luck!

First off, it is YOUR HOUSE. Make that clear off the back. Let her know she is welcomed, but not in control. Give her a small list of chores she can accomplish around the house, small stuff - if she is working and schooling there is no reason to bombard her with more.

Just enjoy yourself and invite her to everything, if she doesn't want to go, at least she knows she is welcomed.

Hard to say. You may end up with a great, responsible young adult or you may end up with a lazy kid who won't even pick up after herself. Until she gets there, you won't have a clue what you are getting. :( If her parents are a hot mess, you may have your hands full.

I have a feeling you're gonna know exactly what to do & how to act...

:)

Go bar hoping for the 1st week, the 2nd week just visit the places where you got hit on more than she did. Repeat as needed.

This^

bug out now

She WILL push the envelope on EVERYTHING, just like a little kids pushes and grabs stuff until told "NO".

If she lived with her BF in high school you can be sure she is pretty much used to GETTING HER WAY, and if she can't do it nicely she WILL become both emotional about it (possibly even screaming) and could also engage in "punishing" you, ie: stealing, lying, making noise etc..

Girls are notoriously selfish at that age anyway ... girls who are used to getting their own way doubly so, and girls who are pretty too, well mathmatically cube the bad behavior of those three times over!!

FIXED RULES BEFORE SHE EVEN ARRIVES are a must, but with the provision that you CAN ADD TO THEM later. She may hate you for them, but initially YOU have the upper hand and can impose them. Over time if boundaries are set and she learns she has to follow them (don't let her get away with SQUAT that goes against the rules when she first arrives, you can loosen up later) you and her could actually grow to be quite close.

OH ... finally NO DRUGS IN THE HOUSE, even if YOU are currently using some. Drugs are BAD NEWS for kids that age and can result in her bringing very undesirable people into your residence as she brings her party friends home.

Good luck!!

Ok OP, there are things you need to do.

1. Trying to come at this girl from some sort of pseudo-parental standpoint is a waste of time. She's had no authority to answer to for years.

2. Any rules you expect her live by will need to be put in writing to avoid any later debate. Make her sign your "house rules" as she would a lease, with written notice of eviction as the penalty for failure to comply. Believe it or not, you may need this to get her out the door once she's there if there is a problem. Be realistic in your requests. Remember, she has had no authority figure to answer to, and you are a complete stranger.

3. Install cameras in common areas and in your room. You don't know this girl, you don't know her friends, and if anything goes awry, you need evidence. If I were you, I would tell her about the cameras in advance to hopefully prevent any illegal activity from happening in the first place.

4. When things go south (and they will), don't engage in yelling matches with her. Give her a written warning of failure to comply with the house rules if the infractions are not that serious, or evict her if they are. You may be "family", but you are also her landlord. Acting in a professional manner will make thing easier when things get ugly (and they will).

5. Get your head examined for agreeing to take in a 19 year old girl who is, by all indications, a mouthy, dumb ass miscreant.

shes 19, not 10 people, the chores things is for kids unles she plans on staying there rent free for the remaining time lol.


if shes paying id just say no men after xyz time or when im not home, and no parties ect ect, no pot unless she shares ect ect ^^


you should really talk with her first before she just shows up. lay down the normal rules like dont f my house up and how she is going to get job, can she even afford school if she gets the job?

Very good words. I have a smack addicted sister and I was gonna tell the OP roughly the same scenario.

So, .... how many times have you two fallen for the same theme that you know it so well??

you guys are awesome.
your reponses are really enlightening.
i have no brothers or sisters, and i'm pretty ignorant on
kid stuff.
thank you soooooo much.

She's just like you but hornier and much less aware of it.

Be very clear b efore shemoves in that you have ground rules that are written in stone. Be very deliberate in explaining that to her. Tell her if she can live with them she will be happy and so will you. Tell her if she can't live with that then look elsewhere. Ask her to repeat them to you and explain how she understands them.
Parents who would let their daughter live with a boy wshile in high school have not prepared her for life properly, she had no ground rules.

I don't really have any advice for you, just some experience.

My niece is 20 and she likes to come and stay with me a couple of times a year from "the nawth", although she is really a Texan.

She has had some problems in the past but she has made lots of progress. I didn't go by her past or what her mom had told me, although that helped I guess. Tried to just have an open mind and remember some of my past and what helped me.

I was just myself, stuck to my principles, and treated her with love, but didn't allow her to take over in any way. She's a smart kid actually. She's not book smart like her brother but she is very smart in a different, important, and useful way. It will serve her well.

I think it was important to first of all, pray (as I do everyday for her), treat her with love and respect but have my boundaries that she knew intuitively I believe. I just didn't bring up any of her past, just let her talk if she wanted and she did. Thank God I am a good listener. Heh.

We have a ball together. We enjoy many of the same hobby-type stuff and just laugh a lot. Although I am quite a bit older than her, she thinks I am a riot and hilarious (and so do I).

I know having a visitor is pretty different than having a 'resident' but I hope something I wrote helps.

God bless you.

Last Edited by Ms. Superduper on 05/02/2013 12:43 PM

I'm screwing around with these pins and frankly I don't know what I'm doing yet. "I sorry".

Have her sign a notarized document outlining all the things she is NOT allowed to do and the responsibilities she needs to do while living there.

Otherwise, the moment they get mail they can piss all over your couch, trash your home, bring boys home that are less then desirable and you can not kick them out immediately.

Write a "lease" of sorts. Agreeing you can kick her out at ANYTIME for ANY REASON or NO REASON AT ALL with NO PRIOR NOTICE REQUIRED.

Have her sign it, get it notarized and now you can breath a little easier.

:shootcat:

I might be interested in spanking her if she's bad...



:spanking101:

hold on is this a troll thread ? because im seeing alot of troll answers! i never reply to posts but for this once ill break my rules if it means helping a younger genration!

this girls seems like she never had any proper upbring so going all strict on her will cause the opposite effect and make her rebel out! You dont want to be the evil aunt , you want to be the nice aunt that comprehends and understands!

be suportive, get to know here very well , dont just bark orders at her she wont understand!

First help her feel welcome, get her aquainted with the area, show her around.

Help her find a job, have some set of rules but not to much, make her feel comfortable in the house and not like a prison camp. Tell her to pitch in and help around the house, and she should clean up after herself. dont forbid her to be with guys, jsut explain to her that she should respect herself and that the more she goes ''around" more cconsequences will come around!

OP s much as you would like to think of her as a child SHE ISN'T! She is an adult both legally and physically treat her that way!

If you try to treat her as a child it won't be pretty and don't even think about trying to curfew an adult it's a totally ridiculous idea.

Should she help around the house of course she should just like any other long term guest. When she's able she should pay for rent and food and pay for any of her personal expenses (gas, insurance, clothes etc.)

Make a dead line of when she will leave and stick to it, above all don't coddle her you will be doing her a disservice by teaching her she will always be taken care of.

Until you know her better your room should be totally OFF LIMITS and don't leave valuable items laying around. The temptation of theft gets the best of most people so don't tempt her.


Above all TREAT HER AS THE ADULT SHE IS!

considering that you are asking for advice on here and no doubt seem to be buying said advice I recommend that you promptly inform the unfortunate lady that you are not suitable to be taking care of her.

for her own good of course.

Have you talked to her on the phone? Having a conversation with her, you could get a feel for what type of person she is.