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Your girlfriend is to blame for this. Quit making excuses for her and blaming the kid.

She has such a greag career but couldn't rent a car to pick up her kid?

Your gf is not such a prize. Would you want her to be the mother of your future kids?

I haven't hit her her mom is about ready too.im on the fence I won't ever hit her she is not my child.instead of being high and mighty. Please offer alternative solutions

You just went on about how the child needs to be spanked hard and now you're against it, and if it ain't your kid, wouldn't say it's your place to spank her. Probably best to steer clear of people with kids, yeah not just one person you're bringing into your life but also their possibly out of control kid

Find out what she likes. Television, talking on the phone, whatever. If she is being punished take it away. Don't send her to her room, send her to a room with nothing. Like a bed, her school books, that is it.

Spanking really doesn't help in the long run. She needs consequences for her actions that make sense.

Also, if she is crying for something and you ever give in, ever, she is going to learn that if she just cries loud enough and long enough you will eventually give in.

What you have to do is not keep arguing with her or even acknowledge that she is crying.


I see parents all the time when their kids are crying they keep talking and saying "I said no".

Please Mommy?
No I said no
Pleeeeeeeeeeeease?
I said no
Why?
Because I said so?
Why do you say so?
Pleeeeeeeeeeease?
No
Please I really want it
No

I mean just say no and mean no. Say it once and don't keep talking about it. Make them know that no means no.



Well it is obvious you said no. You don't have to repeat yourself. Your kid is smart enough to know you said no.

That is why they are crying. No matter how much they cry just ignore them. Have a conversation with your wife and try as best as you can not to even act as if you are aware your child is crying.

They will eventually grow tired of crying.
I have seen parents try to quiet the child. Let them cry. They will use their energy and probably sleep better later on at night. Just let them cry and scream all the want and you just stay calm.

Of course the child will grow louder and more persistant. It will be difficult at first to break a child who is used to having their tamtrums be the center of attention. Eventually if you stick with it, they will learn their tantrums will not result in getting their way. They will try other methods of trying to get their way. You must resist it all. You must resist any whining or manipulation. You must be in control and must teach your child that no simply means no. You are not going to change your mind once you have said it.

Do onto others as you would have done onto you. I rest my peace.

Good point .her twelve year old is awesome the perfect kid!and yes I am blaming the kid to some degree your right thanks.how do we get this to stop.funny you should ask she said she wants to have my kid !i have raised a few kids in a fifteen year relationship never did either of us spank its not my thing.it can't be to late jthe kid is only six.i am also afraid if she starts spanking the kid will associate it with me even though mom is doing the spanking.man what a touchy subject.maybe I will just move on not my problem let the kid turn out into delinquent

Morals ya gotta them or ya don't.

Ha ha I wouldn't even do that to my dog.in fact I never swatted my dogs ass when he was potty training.this is just so out of control .she needs counseling or a real punishment. Maybe not spanking but what?

Here is just one link to help you out. [link to www.empoweringparents.com]

There is a plethora of information on the interwebs that would help you avoid to think of such harm to a child. Abuse is a life long sentence.

Googling is a mighty easy thing to do.

Get out now, before you lose your cool and do something you will regret . Trust me you cannot win.

This will never end as you will always hate her child because deep down you're really angry that youre taking care of another mans offspring. So whatever her behavour is youer going to find something wrong with it. Shes not your offspring, your girls not your family, you are the odd man out. The only real thing to do would be to man up and kill that thing (daughter) and then knock up you girl with your genetics codes instead of being a helper for someone elses. Thats what she really wants you to do anyway, fix her mistake.

The fact you are asking GLP to spank or not shows you don't have the place or ability to make that decision.

The situation is too far advanced for a few choice moments or physical punishment to do anything but make things worse.

You/she need to find a way to break the childs

feeling of entitlement
sense of power
expectation

Spanking will do none of these.

That is up to her mom, plus the whole thing could be reported to the authorities if the info leaks out to then wrong person such as her relatives.

This is exactly what I was saying a month ago once you say no that is it.if you let her get her way you are reinforcing the behavior!the parent has to win and stay firm.its just amazingly scary how far this sweet little girl will go,to get her way.when I say hours I mean hours the other night Tyne tantrums went on for three hours till eleven at night the mom gave in so the other daughter could sleep for school.i was pissed I put up with three hours of kicking screaming crying and yelling only to watch the mom give in I left I was so mad.im 46 years ole I have never seen anything like it.the kid can't win is what I keep telling her.i guess I might have to move on

Don't spank her, already been said she is not your kid. Where is her dad?

I took on a stepdaughter when she was about 4, very close to her dad, and she cried alot also.

Spanking doesn't really work IMO, but you being patient will, and maybe adding in some empathy and understanding for the girls situation, not always just your, and moms situation.

Try to talk to her when spending Q time, teach her something, anything. Read her a book if nothing else.

This ^^^

Hitting is never the answer, she is acting out for a reason. She has been getting away with the behavior and knows if she acts up enough, eventually she will get what she wants. Hitting her is a violent and lazy way to parent. Her Mum needs to communicate with her daughter and establish who is in control without resorting to violence.

My advice is to talk with your girlfriend and air your concerns about her daughters behavior and be adults and work out a system whereby there is a definite consequence for her actions. She needs to learn that she can make the choice to behave like a brat but with that choice all her privileges, play dates, fave toys, freedoms etc will be taken away. When she is acting like an angel, praise her, reward that behavior.

Stick to your guns, be consistent and see how long she continues. Kids are smart, she'll cotton on real quick.

Very good point.it isn't my place! I know that .grandma is saying spank her I was like spank her but the more I think about it there has to be some deep unresolved issues causing this.mama has to be strong and not give in.i haven't even yelled at her.its not my place I left the other night because I was pissed and wanted to yell at both of them ha ha but didn't.that was a moral victory believe me.the father left while she was pregnant and they got back together for a few months last year.he beat the mom in front of the kids the last night he was there and went to jail.but because of the verbal and physical abuse in just those few months the youngest thinks she can boss around the mom.the little girl listens to me for the most part but I'm not telling her no because I'm not her mom.i love children and would look down on spanking because. There are better ways but what ways ha ha.its the moms fault I know I'm trying to help not abuse or hurt.the logic you offered is sound and I am of the same opinion and even said this to the mom but after hours and hours of tantrums into the midnight hours the kid wins because they ll have to sleep.wtf

and therein lies the problem. girlfriend should not give in to the tantrums, as from the kid's perspective that simply reinforces the tantrum as a valid way to get what you want. sure, it might be miserable to put up with for a while, but eventually the kid will get tired of screaming and crying and realize that it will no longer accomplish her goal.

Thanks that's exactly what I have been doing .i have thought her some of her favorite songs on piano.she is extremely smart she picked up on stuff as fast as I could show it.i have been trying to be her friend and I care for her as much as possible.i try to use positive reinforcement not negative.its like she is punishing her mom because daddy isn't there .i make sure I play games with her and show her how to play drums and guitar and let her sing we have a lot of fun.but everyday the tantrums start its a battle and mom lets the kid win.if you saw it you would see what I mean I have nieces the same age they don't cry for more than five or ten minutes tops .this child can go for 3 4 hours I don't know how her voice doesn't give out I would be hoarse.she needs counseling they both do!

Thanks for all your replies even the insulting ones which I knew would come because spanking is taboo nowadays.there is no easy fix I will continue to stick to my guns and try my best to help this mother and daughter resolve what the real issues are without spanking.eventually it will get better i hope.i want to be a positive influence in all three of there lives.this mess started way before I showed up.i will keep trying to resolve without spanking.i am going to buy some earplugs that may help with the ignoring.i will also continue positive reinforcement and discussing the tantrums during quality time explaining why it bad behavior when there isn't a problem.open to any and all suggestions.SPANKING is out it didn't start overnight and it's not gonna resololve overnight.I Love Them and want them to be happy is all I want thanks

If your child screams in the store, you must immediately leave the store without comment. The child knows why.
Go to the car and go home. Put the child in their room without a comment. After a little while, go and have the child tell you why they had to go home and to their room. Make them apologize for the behavior.
My children did not dare act out in stores because they knew it would not be tolerated. Yes, you may have to leave a half full grocery cart but it usually works the first time rather than have time after time after time. Kids know how to wear parents down and it is a game they have learned to win.

no hope for you, youll learn the hard way

As far as tantrums, you must pay no attention at all. None. A tantrum is an out of control kid. If you must say anything, say "I will listen when you calm down and talk to me. I will not listen to you while you are behaving like that." And NEVER listen or pay attention or it will happen again.

Kids behavior at young ages are a direct result of the parenting they receive. Should tell you a bit about the mom.

Dog whisperer says there are no problem dogs, but rather problem owners.

Last Edited by CommonCents on 05/15/2013 11:24 PM

I wouldn't want you around my child. Does it make you feel better about yourself to insult a 6 year old?

Do you really know how to make others happy? Make yourself happy, you wont make anyone happy by trying to make them happy, you wont be a positive influence on anyones life trying to be an influence on anybodies life, you gotta realize its none of your business, take care of yourself and the rest will follow. You dont love her, youre placing the love you dont give yourself onto her, you dont want them to be happy, you want you to be happy and are projecting your wish of happiness onto them. Stop it.

Show her the movie Chuck & Buck, then have your best friend spank her ankles.

The mother needs to make the decision to spank the child.

That child needs to feel the sting of a belt, that will straighten her out real quick.

It needs to come from the mother, once she gets it then she will respect you as well.

You really need to use positive reinforcement. Start small. You are not going to change this kid in a day. Choose 1 behavior to work on - for example, one behavior that is pretty predictable. ONLY 1! First you have to figure out WHY she is misbehaving. What is she getting out of it? She would NOT be doing this crap UNLESS she was getting a payoff. For example, is it attention? Is it power? Then try to figure out how she can get that payoff in a more appropriate manner.

Figure out a reinforcement that this kid really loves - for example, computer time, time alone with mom, a trip to the movies, etc. Then set up a reinforcement schedule - say, if she wants 30 minutes tv time, then maybe she has to earn 2 "stars", and she earns a star by not engaging in that 1 particular misbehavior for 2 hours, or 1 day, or whatever length of time is appropriate. Hint - make sure that the reward is something she REALLY wants, and don't make it too difficult for her to earn it (at first). As she gets better and better at earning the stars, extend the length of time she has to show appropriate behavior (again, for that ONE behavior). IF you are consistent, the bad behavior will be extinguished.

The main tips: Only work on 1 behavior at a time, make sure she earns a reward that is really meaningful to her, and be consistent!

Moral of the story - POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT. NOT punishment!!!