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How to deal with a CLOSED OFF person...

 
overwatch

User ID: 15399364
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08/10/2013 12:43 PM

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Re: How to deal with a CLOSED OFF person...
...

Does he cook for a living?
 Quoting: overwatch


No, but I've seen him roast a few people.
 Quoting: rainlover

just asking. That is what I do for a living and we tend to be closed off from the rest of the world, workaholics, and perfectionists, among other things. Ive had people in your shoes before trying to get to know me. I find that the ones who dont push the issue are usually successful. If you try to tear down my walls, that will make me rebuild them stronger and faster.
 Quoting: overwatch


So you're saying that the less pushy a person is, the more you are willing to let the person in? That's a nice sentiment, but isn't that a little selfish. I get that people decide who to let in and who to keep out, but it seems sort of selfish to me. Am I wrong?
 Quoting: rainlover

Selfishness is not really what I would call it. Some of us just want to be left alone in this mad, mad world. Pushy people tend to be irritating. Your mileage may vary.
Anonymous Coward
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08/10/2013 12:51 PM
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Re: How to deal with a CLOSED OFF person...
I'm gonna go out on a limb here OP...

You are probably a female and are related to this male character you are referring to. Most likely his big sister.

Am I right?
 Quoting: oLOVEz


No. He's just a casual acquaintance. You can't even really call him that, really. Just a person that I know of.
 Quoting: rainlover


Then just ignore him and make friends with people whose lives you can contribute to, and who can contribute to your life.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 44890316


This is the second time I've heard the advice "just ignore him" today. Not in a mean way, but in a way that just lets him be free and if he wants in, he'll find a way.

Thanks, Canada!
 Quoting: rainlover


How did that work out last time?
Anonymous Coward
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08/10/2013 01:06 PM
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Re: How to deal with a CLOSED OFF person...
Maybe he's a HORDER and can't afford to allow anyone to get close to him or else they might find out his secret!

oops2
Anonymous Coward
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08/10/2013 01:08 PM
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Re: How to deal with a CLOSED OFF person...
There's this male person I know and he is very closed off. Doesn't trust people. Workaholic and a perfectionist.

How do you deal with someone like that? I've tried to get close but this person keeps me and everyone else at an arm's distance if he knows you. If you're a stranger, he welcomes you with open arms.

Thoughts/ideas/suggestions?
 Quoting: rainlover


steal from him, go after his job, and piss in his cheerios
stillhere

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08/10/2013 01:12 PM

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Re: How to deal with a CLOSED OFF person...
How old are you?

What is your relationship with this male?

One thing I have learned and am sure about in my 53 years is that you can not change anyone nor should you try or waste your thoughts on such an endeavor.

All we can do is love people as they are, accept them and from that acceptance they might just grow on their own.

The only thing you can do is change yourself, find peace in knowing they are doing the best they know how and leave it at that.

There are worse things than a Workaholic and a Perfectionist, I've been married to a workaholic for over 20 years, it is a core belief in feeling worthy for them, it is never up to us to try and change the people in our lives.

Is it possible this person senses a judgement from you and has retreated even further because they can't meet your expectations?

Also, the way we react to others says more about ourselves than them.

You might be surprised at how far acceptance goes.
hfhfhf
"You can bend it and twist it... You can misuse and abuse it... But even God cannot change the Truth.”
Michael Levy
rainlover  (OP)

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08/10/2013 01:15 PM
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Re: How to deal with a CLOSED OFF person...
These are all very helpful, even the critiques.

Thank you all for your insight.

And thanks for the 5-stars! Wow.

I am welcoming all of your suggestions. Thanks!!!
rainlover  (OP)

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08/10/2013 01:18 PM
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Re: How to deal with a CLOSED OFF person...
...


No, but I've seen him roast a few people.
 Quoting: rainlover

just asking. That is what I do for a living and we tend to be closed off from the rest of the world, workaholics, and perfectionists, among other things. Ive had people in your shoes before trying to get to know me. I find that the ones who dont push the issue are usually successful. If you try to tear down my walls, that will make me rebuild them stronger and faster.
 Quoting: overwatch


So you're saying that the less pushy a person is, the more you are willing to let the person in? That's a nice sentiment, but isn't that a little selfish. I get that people decide who to let in and who to keep out, but it seems sort of selfish to me. Am I wrong?
 Quoting: rainlover


How is it selfish? Pushy people are exhausting.

It's selfish to demand that someone be close to you/let you in.
 Quoting: reader9


Well this person will let you in just close enough to leave you standing on the edge of a cliff. He has the power to push you off or rescue you, and it's at that moment of time every time that I worry I am pushing too hard. But then, that causes me to walk on pins and needles, and that's not a way to have a relationship, either. Cannot really tell him anything because he never responds to peoples' words unless those words piss him off.
Anonymous Coward
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08/10/2013 01:22 PM
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Re: How to deal with a CLOSED OFF person...
bump for a new day's discussion.
 Quoting: rainlover


I still say the best way to get his attention is to flash. He needs to know how interested you are.
Anonymous Coward
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08/10/2013 01:25 PM
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Re: How to deal with a CLOSED OFF person...
There's this male person I know and he is very closed off. Doesn't trust people. Workaholic and a perfectionist.

How do you deal with someone like that? I've tried to get close but this person keeps me and everyone else at an arm's distance if he knows you. If you're a stranger, he welcomes you with open arms.

Thoughts/ideas/suggestions?
 Quoting: rainlover


I'm the same, took me years to understand why i do what i do, but when you finally see it, you realise you were driven by something higher, something that cultures you to be what is needed for the particular situation, on Dark Nights of my soul, i'll say and do things i don't understand, then when i awaken, i realise why i did/ said what i did, 'it' moves in mysterious ways alright, and often has people wondering "why is he being cold with me, yet open and inviting to strangers?".....to be truthful i used to wonder why too.

Being around people who 'think' they know you, is like bondage, they box you, categorise you, without realising, and their definition of you becomes you if you hang around em too long, partners ALWAYS want you to be the person you are when you met them, they will even outright TELL you when you step out of line "that's not you" ect, they will either think you're becoming something you are not (acting), or are losing your marbles......all of it BAD BAD Juju.....restrictions, limits, rules, bondage, molds, not good for the spiritual heart, although in the right controlled amount you can use these negatives for growth, to strengthen the mind, so as your mind does not close your vision, some resistance is necessary for strong growth.

Everyone keeps everyone else in line, so sometimes i will reject someone familiar for someone who doesn't 'THINK' they know me....as i feel more free with that person, i'm not limited to be the way they expect me to be, nothing more liberating than moving to a new town full of strangers.

A friend you can be truely free with are hard to come by.

Anonymous Coward
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08/10/2013 01:27 PM
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Re: How to deal with a CLOSED OFF person...
...

just asking. That is what I do for a living and we tend to be closed off from the rest of the world, workaholics, and perfectionists, among other things. Ive had people in your shoes before trying to get to know me. I find that the ones who dont push the issue are usually successful. If you try to tear down my walls, that will make me rebuild them stronger and faster.
 Quoting: overwatch


So you're saying that the less pushy a person is, the more you are willing to let the person in? That's a nice sentiment, but isn't that a little selfish. I get that people decide who to let in and who to keep out, but it seems sort of selfish to me. Am I wrong?
 Quoting: rainlover


How is it selfish? Pushy people are exhausting.

It's selfish to demand that someone be close to you/let you in.
 Quoting: reader9


Well this person will let you in just close enough to leave you standing on the edge of a cliff. He has the power to push you off or rescue you, and it's at that moment of time every time that I worry I am pushing too hard. But then, that causes me to walk on pins and needles, and that's not a way to have a relationship, either. Cannot really tell him anything because he never responds to peoples' words unless those words piss him off.
 Quoting: rainlover


So what about him acting this way makes you attracted to him? Wouldn't most people view that as a turn off? How would this type of behavior from him ever facilitate a healthy relationship?

Or is this one of those situations where a woman is attracted to what she perceives she can't have???

hmm
Anonymous Coward
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08/10/2013 01:30 PM
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Re: How to deal with a CLOSED OFF person...
interesting...
Anonymous Coward
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08/10/2013 01:31 PM
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Re: How to deal with a CLOSED OFF person...
I can be like that, but I don't really think you need to "deal" with them. Just let them be. Not everyone is the same.

The more you push them, the more closed off they'll become. It is very annoying when people try to get you to open up, or get you to be more social or to conform to some "standard" in some way. Just let the person be themselves. If they want to open up, they will.

Honestly, I think a lot of times it becomes a challenge for people to get "closed off" people to open up, and people who are closed off, can pick up on this.
Mickeyblue
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08/10/2013 01:34 PM
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Re: How to deal with a CLOSED OFF person...
Why not trying to accept him for who he is, period. Quit seeing him as a challenge.
reader9

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08/10/2013 01:35 PM
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Re: How to deal with a CLOSED OFF person...
...

just asking. That is what I do for a living and we tend to be closed off from the rest of the world, workaholics, and perfectionists, among other things. Ive had people in your shoes before trying to get to know me. I find that the ones who dont push the issue are usually successful. If you try to tear down my walls, that will make me rebuild them stronger and faster.
 Quoting: overwatch


So you're saying that the less pushy a person is, the more you are willing to let the person in? That's a nice sentiment, but isn't that a little selfish. I get that people decide who to let in and who to keep out, but it seems sort of selfish to me. Am I wrong?
 Quoting: rainlover


How is it selfish? Pushy people are exhausting.

It's selfish to demand that someone be close to you/let you in.
 Quoting: reader9


Well this person will let you in just close enough to leave you standing on the edge of a cliff. He has the power to push you off or rescue you, and it's at that moment of time every time that I worry I am pushing too hard. But then, that causes me to walk on pins and needles, and that's not a way to have a relationship, either. Cannot really tell him anything because he never responds to peoples' words unless those words piss him off.
 Quoting: rainlover


It's a trap! Well, maybe it's a trap. Not saying he made this trap for you, but this situation is possibly a trap for you. Is it keeping you obsessed? Something to consider...
reader
Mickeyblue
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08/10/2013 01:36 PM
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Re: How to deal with a CLOSED OFF person...
How old are you?

What is your relationship with this male?

One thing I have learned and am sure about in my 53 years is that you can not change anyone nor should you try or waste your thoughts on such an endeavor.

All we can do is love people as they are, accept them and from that acceptance they might just grow on their own.

The only thing you can do is change yourself, find peace in knowing they are doing the best they know how and leave it at that.

There are worse things than a Workaholic and a Perfectionist, I've been married to a workaholic for over 20 years, it is a core belief in feeling worthy for them, it is never up to us to try and change the people in our lives.

Is it possible this person senses a judgement from you and has retreated even further because they can't meet your expectations?

Also, the way we react to others says more about ourselves than them.

You might be surprised at how far acceptance goes.
hfhfhf
 Quoting: stillhere


Exactly how I view this.
RAlN MAN

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08/10/2013 01:40 PM
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Re: How to deal with a CLOSED OFF person...
Do something everybody else is not doing that he pushes away

Tell him how you feel, let him know you want him closer to you...
reader9

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08/10/2013 01:43 PM
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Re: How to deal with a CLOSED OFF person...
Do something everybody else is not doing that he pushes away

Tell him how you feel, let him know you want him closer to you...
 Quoting: RAlN MAN


That's an excellent suggestion. Then he's free to respond, and then you know.. I think it will free you one way or the other.
reader
Anonymous Coward
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08/10/2013 01:50 PM
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Re: How to deal with a CLOSED OFF person...
I would consider myself a closed-off person for the reason that I consider the masses to be the walking dead, inasmuch as they don't seem to have a clue about this World, about life, about extraterrestrial life, what is important in life (that being spirituality), etc., etc.

Thus, I feel like I have nothing in common with people, especially having to listen to their mundane stories about nothing that matters. I am quickly bored almost to tears.

They want to go on and on about the political parties, as if one puppet party is better than another, about religion preaching love but waging war in the same breath, etc.

In other words, I have closed myself off because I reject all the BS coming at us from every direction, including from other people. I am happier being alone and educating my mind about this World, rather than listening to (c)Rap, talking about some politician or celebrity, discussing the latest (crap) TV show or movie, etc.

If you want to discuss spirituality (not religion), extraterrestrials, life in the Higher Dimensions, the End Times of this Human experiment that we call "life", etc., I will be an eager participant.

Sorry, this is probably not what you mean by the closed-off person you are describing.
Anonymous Coward
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08/10/2013 01:57 PM
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Re: How to deal with a CLOSED OFF person...
What are his reasons for being closed off, if you are concerned, do you have an idea as to why he chooses to be closed off
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 43720753


For one, he's rich.

Second, he's single and handsome.

Third, he's sort of powerful.

That's all I got.
 Quoting: rainlover


Well here is the duh part. He isn't closed off at all and you're just a gold digging whore trying to figure out a way into his life. It's beyond pathetic and you should feel bad for it. He doesn't need you or want you and therefore you are perceiving him as closed off because you can't accept the fact that he just isn't into you. You have failed, get over it.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 5944539


THIS 1000%. He is rightfully closed off. He has tons of moneywhores only wanting him so for his money. You're a piece of shit OP.
Anonymous Coward
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08/10/2013 02:05 PM
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Re: How to deal with a CLOSED OFF person...
There's this male person I know and he is very closed off. Doesn't trust people. Workaholic and a perfectionist.

How do you deal with someone like that? I've tried to get close but this person keeps me and everyone else at an arm's distance if he knows you. If you're a stranger, he welcomes you with open arms.

Thoughts/ideas/suggestions?
 Quoting: rainlover


You sound like a coworker of his. Like most of your coworkers, you probably don't know much about him and you're curious to find out more. This is probably because, unlike you, the scope of his social life lies outside the boundaries of the workplace. To him, the workplace is a place to earn a living.

In trying to get closer to him, you probably ask him things about him that are clearly none of your business. He probably politely dodges your questions, knowing its obvious that anyone with intelligence would pick up on the fact that he doesn't want you to go there with him. In doing so, he's giving you the benefit of assuming you're intelligent enough to pick up on social cues.

But instead, you probably become pushy and insistent, thinking you're being cute and flirtatious. When in fact, you're probably turning yourself from someone he once felt friendly towards, to being perceived as immature, inconsiderate, and rude.

You were probably someone he never needed in his life from the beginning. That didn't stop him from being cordial to you. But now that you've shown your true colors, he needs an asshole in his life even less. I hope that makes sense to you.

You've probably blown it with this guy. If he ever volunteered any personal information to you that he didn't share with others, you were probably like "Hey everybody! Guess what I just found out about him!" proving beyond all doubt that you're the last person on earth he should share anything more pertinent about himself to.

So, thank yourself for being one less person he needs to waste his time on at work, allowing him to better focus on what he's there for, which is earning a living.

The only thing he wants from you is to be left alone. At least give him that. There's plenty of other guys out there who will happily put up with your BS to get laid. Pick one of them, focus your time and energy on him, and forget about the first guy.
Anonymous Coward
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08/10/2013 02:20 PM
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Re: How to deal with a CLOSED OFF person...
...


chuckle
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 19617445


Actually, I don't think he's selfish at all. Well, maybe with his time he is.

I don't know.

(Quit laughing!) 5a
 Quoting: rainlover


He's not selfish. Selfish is thinking you can have it both ways. Have an empty relationship with somebody just because you can get something out of it, maybe sex or money, or a shoulder to cry on, whatever. A selfish person would gladly hook into you, treat you like shit, not necessarily on purpose, but just as a matter of the fact of the circumstances and take what he can squeeze out of you. I bet he's not like that, I'm not either.

The funny thing is, he might even like you. I like everybody I know. He just knows that's it's all going to add up to a big fat zero in the end as it always does. Better to just let you pass. It's too bad. If the two of you were compatible, I'd say latch on to him and don't let go.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 9704956


Whoa! Your words are barbs of truth. I do like him. I cannot get close to him, however. Well, distance and two, just, other reasons. He might even like me if he'd get to know me. I can't even figure out if we're compatible as I only know what he reveals. I appreciate your words!
 Quoting: rainlover


I've had a chance to read more of the posts in here...In an earlier post you said you were just acquaintances. You don't know him at all. Technically, you don't even know if he's "closed off." Are you sure your motives are good ones? It almost seems like you're only interested in this man because you see him as a challenge. Look at what you know about him - rich, powerful, handsome. Is that what makes you 'like' someone? I could see you being worried about him being closed off if you actually knew him or he was your bf. He's a stranger, you don't know the real person, and the only reason you seem to be interested in knowing the real person is because he's rich and handsome.
Anonymous Coward
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08/10/2013 02:26 PM
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Re: How to deal with a CLOSED OFF person...
There's this male person I know and he is very closed off. Doesn't trust people. Workaholic and a perfectionist.

How do you deal with someone like that? I've tried to get close but this person keeps me and everyone else at an arm's distance if he knows you. If you're a stranger, he welcomes you with open arms.

Thoughts/ideas/suggestions?
 Quoting: rainlover


Shove his bible up his ass sideways.

That usually opens em up.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 34652395


Thought provoking, really.
rainlover  (OP)

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08/10/2013 02:39 PM
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Re: How to deal with a CLOSED OFF person...
I have read all of your responses. Some are right on, others are way off of the mark but I am loving all the advice. Each is helping me to see things. Thank you!
oLOVEz

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08/10/2013 03:34 PM

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Re: How to deal with a CLOSED OFF person...
...


No. He's just a casual acquaintance. You can't even really call him that, really. Just a person that I know of.
 Quoting: rainlover


Then just ignore him and make friends with people whose lives you can contribute to, and who can contribute to your life.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 44890316


This is the second time I've heard the advice "just ignore him" today. Not in a mean way, but in a way that just lets him be free and if he wants in, he'll find a way.

Thanks, Canada!
 Quoting: rainlover


How did that work out last time?
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 19617445


Admit it OP, you just want to bone him and he is ignoring you!
Anonymous Coward
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08/10/2013 03:36 PM
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Re: How to deal with a CLOSED OFF person...
Leave him the fuck alone and let him do his thing.
Anonymous Coward
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08/10/2013 03:38 PM
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Re: How to deal with a CLOSED OFF person...
What are his reasons for being closed off, if you are concerned, do you have an idea as to why he chooses to be closed off
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 43720753


For one, he's rich.

Second, he's single and handsome.

Third, he's sort of powerful.

That's all I got.
 Quoting: rainlover


Well here is the duh part. He isn't closed off at all and you're just a gold digging whore trying to figure out a way into his life. It's beyond pathetic and you should feel bad for it. He doesn't need you or want you and therefore you are perceiving him as closed off because you can't accept the fact that he just isn't into you. You have failed, get over it.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 5944539

This.
OP, get a life and stop analyzing him. Worry about yourself. That's where the real issue is.
Anonymous Coward
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08/10/2013 03:40 PM
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Re: How to deal with a CLOSED OFF person...
I'm like that and you don't just "deal" with us. We will never really ever trust you and even strangers we don't trust. You can either accept him as he is or go crazy trying to change him and fail. Either way he probably doesn't even give a shit.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 5944539


^^^This
People like us, are closed off for a reason. You should be content with him even allowing you to be in his life. People can not be trusted. That's how it is. So accept him for who he is.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 24175623


That's a lonely existence, though. Very lonely.
 Quoting: rainlover


Judgemental much? GET A LIFE and stop trying to analyze and judge people. NO WONDER HE DOESN'T WANT TO HANG OUT WITH YOU, I DON'T BLAME HIM! And in the end, you will probably be lonelier, lol.
Anonymous Coward
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08/10/2013 03:48 PM
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Re: How to deal with a CLOSED OFF person...
There's this male person I know and he is very closed off. Doesn't trust people. Workaholic and a perfectionist.

How do you deal with someone like that? I've tried to get close but this person keeps me and everyone else at an arm's distance if he knows you. If you're a stranger, he welcomes you with open arms.

Thoughts/ideas/suggestions?
 Quoting: rainlover


He's obviously just not that into you.

I am a woman and the same as you describe. I push people away for two reasons; I catch them in a lie that involves me or I just have no desire to get to know them based on initial interactions. Life is too short to waste on people you know you are not going to click with.
Anonymous Coward
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08/10/2013 03:50 PM
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Re: How to deal with a CLOSED OFF person...
I'm like that and you don't just "deal" with us. We will never really ever trust you and even strangers we don't trust. You can either accept him as he is or go crazy trying to change him and fail. Either way he probably doesn't even give a shit.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 5944539


^^^This
People like us, are closed off for a reason. You should be content with him even allowing you to be in his life. People can not be trusted. That's how it is. So accept him for who he is.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 24175623


That's a lonely existence, though. Very lonely.
 Quoting: rainlover


Judgemental much? GET A LIFE and stop trying to analyze and judge people. NO WONDER HE DOESN'T WANT TO HANG OUT WITH YOU, I DON'T BLAME HIM! And in the end, you will probably be lonelier, lol.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 29424150


OP sounds like a psych stalker. Leave the guy alone, ffs.
Anonymous Coward
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08/10/2013 03:50 PM
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Re: How to deal with a CLOSED OFF person...
*psycho





GLP