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NEEDING SOME SERIOUS ADVICE HERE. .

 
Angel Helper
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09/21/2013 06:09 PM
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NEEDING SOME SERIOUS ADVICE HERE. .
OK, It's been over 4 months....and I know many of you remember my post right after my husband passed. I am coming to grips with it,finally but I cannot believe how very lonely it is being single. I mean, there is just no one to taste my new recipes,no one to talk with, no one to help you when you are so sick you cannot get up and do anything, no one to share anything with.

I have a great family but I've lost my zest for life...Nothing is making sense to me. I have come to the conclusions that we are not meant to be alone. It's just too hard to get out and see couples and families participating in life. I feel so out of sync with them. I am SOME new person with a new path I know nothing about.
Has anyone went through this and if so...how do you find your new path. Where do I begin to put my life together again? I feel so dazed...motivation is just not there.
I do not mean to complain, but guys I have been on here since the days of Elaine, then Ken took it over. And now the monk has it.....bless his heart.
I don't know. I don't even want to get out of the house anymore. It's gotten that bad.
And I do not want to hardly talk to anyone. No phone calls, it is just so strange for such an outgoing person like me to do such a huge turn around. Is this normal? If so, how long does this last? I think the trauma of seeing such an ugly side of this type of cancer consume someone who you felt you would be with for much longer has affected me and my reality. Like it marks you for life.
Just wanted to see how others have faired after going through these losses in life. I need to know if this passes.
Live and let live, for we all have our own lessons to learn.
polewalker

User ID: 36538836
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09/21/2013 06:12 PM
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Re: NEEDING SOME SERIOUS ADVICE HERE. .
Google five steps of grieving. This will help you understand your journey. I lost my daughter when she was 40 years old and this helped me a lot. I hope the best for you
Anonymous Coward
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09/21/2013 06:21 PM
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Re: NEEDING SOME SERIOUS ADVICE HERE. .
I feel your pain. I never want to leave the house. But mostly because people are just rude or mean. I suppose its safer this way. I am too forage to interact with people.

Good luck.
Anonymous Coward
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09/21/2013 06:21 PM
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Re: NEEDING SOME SERIOUS ADVICE HERE. .
*fragile not forage
LIL' ANGEL

User ID: 1053878
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09/21/2013 06:29 PM
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Re: NEEDING SOME SERIOUS ADVICE HERE. .
Thank you so much for posting this, how very brave.
So sorry for your loss.

Be very gentle with yourself.

Grief is different for all of us, is there a grief group you can attend in your local or nearby city?

In case nobody said it to you today, you are loved.

I added you to my Prayer list.


Last Edited by Lost Angel on 09/21/2013 06:29 PM
I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life. No one comes to the Father except through me. -Jesus Christ
Stay small(in ego), stay teachable(in life), stay in the basics(keep it simple) and pay attention(to guidance). -me
Your beliefs don't make you a better person, your behavior does. (Anonymous)
Anonymous Coward
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Brazil
09/21/2013 06:31 PM
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Re: NEEDING SOME SERIOUS ADVICE HERE. .
Get in touch with God?
LIL' ANGEL

User ID: 1053878
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09/21/2013 06:32 PM
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Re: NEEDING SOME SERIOUS ADVICE HERE. .
Get in touch with God?
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 46917486


She is an Angel Helper you know.
I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life. No one comes to the Father except through me. -Jesus Christ
Stay small(in ego), stay teachable(in life), stay in the basics(keep it simple) and pay attention(to guidance). -me
Your beliefs don't make you a better person, your behavior does. (Anonymous)
Anonymous Coward
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09/21/2013 06:32 PM
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Re: NEEDING SOME SERIOUS ADVICE HERE. .
OK, It's been over 4 months....and I know many of you remember my post right after my husband passed. I am coming to grips with it,finally but I cannot believe how very lonely it is being single. I mean, there is just no one to taste my new recipes,no one to talk with, no one to help you when you are so sick you cannot get up and do anything, no one to share anything with.

I have a great family but I've lost my zest for life...Nothing is making sense to me. I have come to the conclusions that we are not meant to be alone. It's just too hard to get out and see couples and families participating in life. I feel so out of sync with them. I am SOME new person with a new path I know nothing about.
Has anyone went through this and if so...how do you find your new path. Where do I begin to put my life together again? I feel so dazed...motivation is just not there.
I do not mean to complain, but guys I have been on here since the days of Elaine, then Ken took it over. And now the monk has it.....bless his heart.
I don't know. I don't even want to get out of the house anymore. It's gotten that bad.
And I do not want to hardly talk to anyone. No phone calls, it is just so strange for such an outgoing person like me to do such a huge turn around. Is this normal? If so, how long does this last? I think the trauma of seeing such an ugly side of this type of cancer consume someone who you felt you would be with for much longer has affected me and my reality. Like it marks you for life.
Just wanted to see how others have faired after going through these losses in life. I need to know if this passes.
 Quoting: Angel Helper


Yes it gets easier but no you will never be the same. You have to learn it all anew again. A new way to love yourself even if you are different than what you once were. Learning to trust again. And learning to not let what fears will rise in you with that trust when you love another rule you. It is hard and difficult and takes some of us a long time. It is ok to separate yourself even though it feels different if you are not ready. It is simply ok. Even when the world tells you it is not and you feel so very different inside. As with anything else the path is found one second at a time sometimes. Two steps forward and one back. Slowly you learn to stand again.

The emotional experience is very different for everyone. Some can stay the coarse though the sickness and the ups and downs. Some have been caretakers for so long that the entire image of marriage is changed. It is still very early for you, because you will always carry it. 4 months in retrospect to the time involved with your husband is nothing.

Your drive and motivation to move forward will come from your heart as it did mine that feeling that we are not supposed to be alone and the emptiness it brings. If you are a spiritual person at all that is where i would recommend you lean that was my lifesaver and my sense in the middle of a life changing storm.
Anonymous Coward
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09/21/2013 06:35 PM
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Re: NEEDING SOME SERIOUS ADVICE HERE. .
Hold onto your ring finger and breathe (this is part of Jin Shin Jyutsu therapy). Let go of the sad thoughts, don't dwell on them too much...you're here now and have to move forward in life. Maybe look into trying EFT, or else seeing a counselor for getting over it.

I wish you the best. hf
LIL' ANGEL

User ID: 1053878
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09/21/2013 06:37 PM
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Re: NEEDING SOME SERIOUS ADVICE HERE. .
OK, It's been over 4 months....and I know many of you remember my post right after my husband passed. I am coming to grips with it,finally but I cannot believe how very lonely it is being single. I mean, there is just no one to taste my new recipes,no one to talk with, no one to help you when you are so sick you cannot get up and do anything, no one to share anything with.

I have a great family but I've lost my zest for life...Nothing is making sense to me. I have come to the conclusions that we are not meant to be alone. It's just too hard to get out and see couples and families participating in life. I feel so out of sync with them. I am SOME new person with a new path I know nothing about.
Has anyone went through this and if so...how do you find your new path. Where do I begin to put my life together again? I feel so dazed...motivation is just not there.
I do not mean to complain, but guys I have been on here since the days of Elaine, then Ken took it over. And now the monk has it.....bless his heart.
I don't know. I don't even want to get out of the house anymore. It's gotten that bad.
And I do not want to hardly talk to anyone. No phone calls, it is just so strange for such an outgoing person like me to do such a huge turn around. Is this normal? If so, how long does this last? I think the trauma of seeing such an ugly side of this type of cancer consume someone who you felt you would be with for much longer has affected me and my reality. Like it marks you for life.
Just wanted to see how others have faired after going through these losses in life. I need to know if this passes.
 Quoting: Angel Helper


Yes it gets easier but no you will never be the same. You have to learn it all anew again. A new way to love yourself even if you are different than what you once were. Learning to trust again. And learning to not let what fears will rise in you with that trust when you love another rule you. It is hard and difficult and takes some of us a long time. It is ok to separate yourself even though it feels different if you are not ready. It is simply ok. Even when the world tells you it is not and you feel so very different inside. As with anything else the path is found one second at a time sometimes. Two steps forward and one back. Slowly you learn to stand again.

The emotional experience is very different for everyone. Some can stay the coarse though the sickness and the ups and downs. Some have been caretakers for so long that the entire image of marriage is changed. It is still very early for you, because you will always carry it. 4 months in retrospect to the time involved with your husband is nothing.

Your drive and motivation to move forward will come from your heart as it did mine that feeling that we are not supposed to be alone and the emptiness it brings. If you are a spiritual person at all that is where i would recommend you lean that was my lifesaver and my sense in the middle of a life changing storm.
 Quoting: ByFaithAlone


That was beautifully written and heartfelt that really helped me.

Thank you for sharing.
I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life. No one comes to the Father except through me. -Jesus Christ
Stay small(in ego), stay teachable(in life), stay in the basics(keep it simple) and pay attention(to guidance). -me
Your beliefs don't make you a better person, your behavior does. (Anonymous)
wildhoney nli
User ID: 46886278
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09/21/2013 06:40 PM
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Re: NEEDING SOME SERIOUS ADVICE HERE. .
hugs

Dont push youreslf..take this time to take it easy and be gentle with yourself..try to heal yourself emotionally first through prayer..then slowly you will start to feel your energy level coming back

Sometimes its necessary to step away to heal A.H..the world outside absorbs a lot of energy..and when you have depleted it through grief and pain and sorrow you have to build it up again..with prayer..and peace and quiet..often alone..

find the quietness soothing ..

hf
ceawaves

User ID: 44925563
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09/21/2013 06:41 PM
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Re: NEEDING SOME SERIOUS ADVICE HERE. .
OK, It's been over 4 months....and I know many of you remember my post right after my husband passed. I am coming to grips with it,finally but I cannot believe how very lonely it is being single. I mean, there is just no one to taste my new recipes,no one to talk with, no one to help you when you are so sick you cannot get up and do anything, no one to share anything with.

I have a great family but I've lost my zest for life...Nothing is making sense to me. I have come to the conclusions that we are not meant to be alone. It's just too hard to get out and see couples and families participating in life. I feel so out of sync with them. I am SOME new person with a new path I know nothing about.
Has anyone went through this and if so...how do you find your new path. Where do I begin to put my life together again? I feel so dazed...motivation is just not there.
I do not mean to complain, but guys I have been on here since the days of Elaine, then Ken took it over. And now the monk has it.....bless his heart.
I don't know. I don't even want to get out of the house anymore. It's gotten that bad.
And I do not want to hardly talk to anyone. No phone calls, it is just so strange for such an outgoing person like me to do such a huge turn around. Is this normal? If so, how long does this last? I think the trauma of seeing such an ugly side of this type of cancer consume someone who you felt you would be with for much longer has affected me and my reality. Like it marks you for life.
Just wanted to see how others have faired after going through these losses in life. I need to know if this passes.
 Quoting: Angel Helper


4 months is not that long, only about 16 weeks ago. I sincerely hope you feel better soon.

Last Edited by ceawaves on 09/21/2013 10:47 PM
Anonymous Coward
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09/21/2013 06:42 PM
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Re: NEEDING SOME SERIOUS ADVICE HERE. .
When my grand mom died, I went through the same thing. I had known her for over 30 something years...


I was AFRAID to grieve my loss. As a result, I became depressed. When I went to see a doctor, he told me what I already knew, that I needed to ALLOW myself to grieve.

Grief/mourning doesn't go away overnight, but I asked myself if my grand mom would have been happy with me walking around in a funk like I was.

I realized that it would have made her terribly sad to see me that way, so I allowed my heart to grieve for her. Weeks passed, then two months... .

Here I am, 8 years later, and jut a month ago I walked into my kitchen and wept because I was talking to my daughter about something and it reminded me of grams.

Don't focus on yourself during this time period. Focus on the needs of others (I was fortunate to have my daughter (who was much younger at the time) to focus on so caring for her typical adolescent/teenage needs took my mind off my grief.

I also spent more time with my mom making sure SHE was ok. And then one day, it dawned on me that I hadn't thought of grams for a minute, because I was busy with everybody else.

Ask yourself this question: How hurt would your husband be if he saw you this way? Honor his memory by doing what you know he would want you to do: Live life and enjoy it.

It gets better, with time.

hf
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 47204106
United States
09/21/2013 06:43 PM
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Re: NEEDING SOME SERIOUS ADVICE HERE. .
I am sorry for your loss.

I lost one some years ago, I am known for taking the longest route and doing everything backwards so...

After about thirty days of grieving, I threw everything I couldn't sell into my truck and boat and changed local.

I had to, I just knew to many of the wrong people and what I felt inside needing something that I was unwilling to feed it any longer after watching Her die for about a year.

Perhaps for you just get out and do something, come by here if you like, dinners done about 5:30
sssss

User ID: 47141060
Australia
09/21/2013 06:43 PM
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Re: NEEDING SOME SERIOUS ADVICE HERE. .
OK, It's been over 4 months....and I know many of you remember my post right after my husband passed. I am coming to grips with it,finally but I cannot believe how very lonely it is being single. I mean, there is just no one to taste my new recipes,no one to talk with, no one to help you when you are so sick you cannot get up and do anything, no one to share anything with.

I have a great family but I've lost my zest for life...Nothing is making sense to me. I have come to the conclusions that we are not meant to be alone. It's just too hard to get out and see couples and families participating in life. I feel so out of sync with them. I am SOME new person with a new path I know nothing about.
Has anyone went through this and if so...how do you find your new path. Where do I begin to put my life together again? I feel so dazed...motivation is just not there.
I do not mean to complain, but guys I have been on here since the days of Elaine, then Ken took it over. And now the monk has it.....bless his heart.
I don't know. I don't even want to get out of the house anymore. It's gotten that bad.
And I do not want to hardly talk to anyone. No phone calls, it is just so strange for such an outgoing person like me to do such a huge turn around. Is this normal? If so, how long does this last? I think the trauma of seeing such an ugly side of this type of cancer consume someone who you felt you would be with for much longer has affected me and my reality. Like it marks you for life.
Just wanted to see how others have faired after going through these losses in life. I need to know if this passes.
 Quoting: Angel Helper


In time, all things will pass. No matter how dire the circumstance.

Please note that although you have experienced a tragic and hard circumstance to deal with, this is not the end of your road. It will take time to adjust to this, but you must "let it be". Old systems will erode with time, all you have to do is let it- the hardest part.
What you speak of is normal for many people, do not feel different or disconnected. just be. the period which this lasts will vary on your willingness to give in, or acccept.

In short, it will pass in time.

hf
THE CHANGE IS COMING!
Spiritual Guidance, Spirit Guide communication, Shamanism & Kundalini.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 38484718
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09/21/2013 06:43 PM
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Re: NEEDING SOME SERIOUS ADVICE HERE. .
I haven't been online much for a long time, so I'll probably make a mess of this explanation, out of practice as I am in communication:
If you're standing very close to someone who jumps out of a plane, you could get sucked out the door with him, because of...momentum, I think we should call it. Some smart person here will surely notice this pitiful effort and explain how this works.

While your beloved was ill, and you all the time providing every kind of practical and moral support you could, you were serving up buckets of your own energy already. Now, he's gone off and you feel that 'suction' out the plane door, don't you? That's why you're so weak and lethargic.

My own husband passed away a few years ago after a marriage of almost 30 years, I definitely felt the same effects I've just described. In this case, OP, temporary seclusion is the best thing for you! If you break a bone, you'd likely put on a cast, wouldn't you? That's what you're in now, till you can close that gaping hole in your energy. Don't 'try to build Rome in a day' or worry you're not yourself. You need at least a year of gentle cocooning and don't make any more important decisions than you can help during that time. Every one I made during that first year was a bloody disaster!
LIL' ANGEL

User ID: 1053878
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09/21/2013 06:48 PM
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Re: NEEDING SOME SERIOUS ADVICE HERE. .
OK, It's been over 4 months....and I know many of you remember my post right after my husband passed. I am coming to grips with it,finally but I cannot believe how very lonely it is being single. I mean, there is just no one to taste my new recipes,no one to talk with, no one to help you when you are so sick you cannot get up and do anything, no one to share anything with.

I have a great family but I've lost my zest for life...Nothing is making sense to me. I have come to the conclusions that we are not meant to be alone. It's just too hard to get out and see couples and families participating in life. I feel so out of sync with them. I am SOME new person with a new path I know nothing about.
Has anyone went through this and if so...how do you find your new path. Where do I begin to put my life together again? I feel so dazed...motivation is just not there.
I do not mean to complain, but guys I have been on here since the days of Elaine, then Ken took it over. And now the monk has it.....bless his heart.
I don't know. I don't even want to get out of the house anymore. It's gotten that bad.
And I do not want to hardly talk to anyone. No phone calls, it is just so strange for such an outgoing person like me to do such a huge turn around. Is this normal? If so, how long does this last? I think the trauma of seeing such an ugly side of this type of cancer consume someone who you felt you would be with for much longer has affected me and my reality. Like it marks you for life.
Just wanted to see how others have faired after going through these losses in life. I need to know if this passes.
 Quoting: Angel Helper


So sorry, one of my friends lost her spouse about almost a year ago. She has good and bad days.. Guess you have to treasure your memories..No doubt your depressed..of course you are.. sounds like you had such a wonderful person to share a large part of you life with..She (the friend) seemed to have a perfect relationship was amazing, appeared they were really very best friends.

Few people ever really have that. I never have..believe me it's about as dark, lonely maybe more so being stuck with a person who you have nothing in common with anymore at all, no words to share, no joy to share, no secrets, no bond, no touch, nothing.. like two siblings stuck together, who hate each other, it's crazy but i don't know how to get out of it, was planning to leave this spring but something happened and i stayed, i had to put someone else's needs first. Seems I've spent a live time doing that sometimes.. it's also a very lonely life with this person, some times i get away with my family, rarely friends. but people who i can converse with, share thoughts an conversation with, guess that's mostly here. Seems to help

The person's here today.. not any words all day nothing.. I enjoy being alone with myself than being alone with this person, their 'void' seems to take up all the space around me..

I'm sorry didn't mean to high jack your thread with my situation but least you both loved each other. That was real and that is something to treasure.. Maybe you should start trying to get out more.. 4 months is not that long, only about 16 weeks ago. I sincerely hope you feel better soon.
 Quoting: ceawaves


Oh ceawaves that is very honest and truthful and I for one Pray for your complete happiness. I was touched by what you shared, the depth of your truth and honesty is what heals and can lead to a change in a course of direction.

Love Love Love to all with Pain on this thread.
I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life. No one comes to the Father except through me. -Jesus Christ
Stay small(in ego), stay teachable(in life), stay in the basics(keep it simple) and pay attention(to guidance). -me
Your beliefs don't make you a better person, your behavior does. (Anonymous)
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 35578317
United States
09/21/2013 06:50 PM
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Re: NEEDING SOME SERIOUS ADVICE HERE. .
OK, It's been over 4 months....and I know many of you remember my post right after my husband passed. I am coming to grips with it,finally but I cannot believe how very lonely it is being single. I mean, there is just no one to taste my new recipes,no one to talk with, no one to help you when you are so sick you cannot get up and do anything, no one to share anything with.

I have a great family but I've lost my zest for life...Nothing is making sense to me. I have come to the conclusions that we are not meant to be alone. It's just too hard to get out and see couples and families participating in life. I feel so out of sync with them. I am SOME new person with a new path I know nothing about.
Has anyone went through this and if so...how do you find your new path. Where do I begin to put my life together again? I feel so dazed...motivation is just not there.
I do not mean to complain, but guys I have been on here since the days of Elaine, then Ken took it over. And now the monk has it.....bless his heart.
I don't know. I don't even want to get out of the house anymore. It's gotten that bad.
And I do not want to hardly talk to anyone. No phone calls, it is just so strange for such an outgoing person like me to do such a huge turn around. Is this normal? If so, how long does this last? I think the trauma of seeing such an ugly side of this type of cancer consume someone who you felt you would be with for much longer has affected me and my reality. Like it marks you for life.
Just wanted to see how others have faired after going through these losses in life. I need to know if this passes.
 Quoting: Angel Helper


The pain of losing a loved one never goes away, it wont pass but in time you will learn to deal with it better. I hate people that say "time heals all wounds". No it doesn't!

hf
LIL' ANGEL

User ID: 1053878
United States
09/21/2013 06:53 PM
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Re: NEEDING SOME SERIOUS ADVICE HERE. .
OK, It's been over 4 months....and I know many of you remember my post right after my husband passed. I am coming to grips with it,finally but I cannot believe how very lonely it is being single. I mean, there is just no one to taste my new recipes,no one to talk with, no one to help you when you are so sick you cannot get up and do anything, no one to share anything with.

I have a great family but I've lost my zest for life...Nothing is making sense to me. I have come to the conclusions that we are not meant to be alone. It's just too hard to get out and see couples and families participating in life. I feel so out of sync with them. I am SOME new person with a new path I know nothing about.
Has anyone went through this and if so...how do you find your new path. Where do I begin to put my life together again? I feel so dazed...motivation is just not there.
I do not mean to complain, but guys I have been on here since the days of Elaine, then Ken took it over. And now the monk has it.....bless his heart.
I don't know. I don't even want to get out of the house anymore. It's gotten that bad.
And I do not want to hardly talk to anyone. No phone calls, it is just so strange for such an outgoing person like me to do such a huge turn around. Is this normal? If so, how long does this last? I think the trauma of seeing such an ugly side of this type of cancer consume someone who you felt you would be with for much longer has affected me and my reality. Like it marks you for life.
Just wanted to see how others have faired after going through these losses in life. I need to know if this passes.
 Quoting: Angel Helper


The pain of losing a loved one never goes away, it wont pass but in time you will learn to deal with it better. I hate people that say "time heals all wounds". No it doesn't!

hf
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 35578317


Wow. I agree it alters our existence.
I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life. No one comes to the Father except through me. -Jesus Christ
Stay small(in ego), stay teachable(in life), stay in the basics(keep it simple) and pay attention(to guidance). -me
Your beliefs don't make you a better person, your behavior does. (Anonymous)
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 44931595
United States
09/21/2013 06:56 PM
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Re: NEEDING SOME SERIOUS ADVICE HERE. .
When my grand mom died, I went through the same thing. I had known her for over 30 something years...


I was AFRAID to grieve my loss. As a result, I became depressed. When I went to see a doctor, he told me what I already knew, that I needed to ALLOW myself to grieve.

Grief/mourning doesn't go away overnight, but I asked myself if my grand mom would have been happy with me walking around in a funk like I was.

I realized that it would have made her terribly sad to see me that way, so I allowed my heart to grieve for her. Weeks passed, then two months... .

Here I am, 8 years later, and jut a month ago I walked into my kitchen and wept because I was talking to my daughter about something and it reminded me of grams.

Don't focus on yourself during this time period. Focus on the needs of others (I was fortunate to have my daughter (who was much younger at the time) to focus on so caring for her typical adolescent/teenage needs took my mind off my grief.

I also spent more time with my mom making sure SHE was ok. And then one day, it dawned on me that I hadn't thought of grams for a minute, because I was busy with everybody else.

Ask yourself this question: How hurt would your husband be if he saw you this way? Honor his memory by doing what you know he would want you to do: Live life and enjoy it.

It gets better, with time.

hf
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 44931595


I should have added that my grams died of cancer as well (hers was an especially aggressive cancer), and I cared for her. My mom couldn't do it. I had never seen anything like that in my life, or experienced it before, so you're not alone in that regard.

You WILL pull through this, if you allow yourself to. Just be sure and spend time with others, because doing that really helped me get through it.

And yes, what I saw and had to do changed me too. My grams was diagnosed with cancer 8 years ago, and passed away 1 week after her diagnosis, just 1 week before her 72 birthday.
Anonymous Coward
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09/21/2013 07:01 PM
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Re: NEEDING SOME SERIOUS ADVICE HERE. .
I would like to add something words from my mother through all that i went through in the hopes that maybe this will strike a chord and give you a little perspective. On one very difficult day for me she sat me down and spoke of all the older woman in my family some of which had already passed on. She told me to remember them all widowed, some at a very young age, they all lived many years after there husbands, and to take a really good look at what there lives were like afterward. While it was different afterwards and while they always carry it. The future for them held so many good things. Things that rank up there with the best years of your life. Your children grow and the relationships change from dependance to friendships with maturity. Grandchildren, great- grandchildren and on one occasion me a great-great grandchild. Life was not over it went on even when you dont want it to it does and above all time will heal you. All those years, all those smiles, all those gifts from God that would have been missed. New found strengths and independance. I look at life like chapters in a book. Each one of them can be both wonderful and horrific but in order to move onto a new chapter one has to be closed. Maybe you have someone in your life you can look at and relate with to what i said here. But if I was to be honest this one perspective was what I hung onto when I had virtually nothing else.
Anonymous Coward
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09/21/2013 07:03 PM
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In all sincerity... I hope you find comfort in God's Word... it has helped me personally cope and many others as well. (I apologize beforehand for the length of this... but it just may contain the advice you seek.) :P

*** When Someone You Love Dies pp. 14-19 ***
How Can I Live With My Grief?
“I FELT a lot of pressure on me to hold in my feelings,” explains Mike in recalling his father’s death. To Mike, suppressing his grief was the manly thing to do. Yet he later realized that he was wrong. So when Mike’s friend lost his grandfather, Mike knew what to do. He says: “A couple of years ago, I would have patted him on the shoulder and said, ‘Be a man.’ Now I touched his arm and said, ‘Feel however you have to feel. It will help you to deal with it. If you want me to go, I’ll go. If you want me to stay, I’ll stay. But don’t be afraid to feel.’”

MaryAnne also felt pressure to hold in her feelings when her husband died. “I was so worried about being a good example to others,” she recalls, “that I did not permit myself the normal feelings. But I eventually learned that trying to be a pillar of strength for others wasn’t helping me. I began analyzing my situation and saying, ‘Cry if you have to cry. Don’t try to be too strong. Get it out of your system.’”

So both Mike and MaryAnne recommend: Let yourself grieve! And they are correct. Why? Because grieving is a necessary emotional release. Releasing your feelings can relieve the pressure you are under. The natural expression of emotions, if coupled with understanding and accurate information, lets you put your feelings in proper perspective.

Of course, not everyone expresses grief in the same way. And such factors as whether the loved one died suddenly or death came after a long illness might have a bearing on the emotional reaction of the survivors. But one thing appears certain: Repressing your feelings can be harmful both physically and emotionally. It is far healthier to release your grief. How? The Scriptures contain some practical advice.

Releasing Grief—How?
Talking can be a helpful release. Following the death of all ten of his children, as well as some other personal tragedies, the ancient patriarch Job said: “My soul certainly feels a loathing toward my life. I will give vent to [Hebrew, “loose”] my concern about myself. I will speak in the bitterness of my soul!” (Job 1:2, 18, 19; 10:1) Job could no longer restrain his concern. He needed to let it loose; he had to “speak.” Similarly, the English dramatist Shakespeare wrote in Macbeth: “Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak whispers the o’er-fraught heart and bids it break.”

So talking about your feelings to “a true companion” who will listen patiently and sympathetically can bring a measure of relief. (Proverbs 17:17) Putting experiences and feelings into words often makes it easier to understand them and to deal with them. And if the listener is another bereaved person who has effectively dealt with his or her own loss, you may be able to glean some practical suggestions on how you can cope. When her child died, one mother explained why it helped to talk to another woman who had faced a similar loss: “To know that somebody else had gone through the same thing, had come out whole from it, and that she was still surviving and finding some sort of order in her life again was very strengthening to me.”

What if you are not comfortable talking about your feelings? Following the death of Saul and Jonathan, David composed a highly emotional dirge in which he poured out his grief. This mournful composition eventually became part of the written record of the Bible book of Second Samuel. (2 Samuel 1:17-27; 2 Chronicles 35:25) Similarly, some find it easier to express themselves in writing. One widow reported that she would write down her feelings and then days later read over what she had written. She found this a helpful release.

Whether by talking or writing, communicating your feelings can help you to release your grief. It can also help to clear up misunderstandings. A bereaved mother explains: “My husband and I heard of other couples that got divorced after losing a child, and we didn’t want that to happen to us. So any time we felt angry, wanting to blame each other, we would talk it out. I think we really grew closer together by doing that.” Thus, letting your feelings be known can help you to understand that even though you may be sharing the same loss, others may grieve differently—at their own pace and in their own way.

Something else that can facilitate the release of grief is crying. There is “a time to weep,” says the Bible. (Ecclesiastes 3:1, 4) Surely the death of someone we love brings on such a time. Shedding tears of grief appears to be a necessary part of the healing process.

One young woman explains how a close friend helped her to cope when her mother died. She recalls: “My friend was always there for me. She cried with me. She talked with me. I could just be so open with my emotions, and that was important to me. I didn’t have to be embarrassed about crying.” (See Romans 12:15.) Nor should you feel ashamed of your tears. As we have seen, the Bible is filled with examples of men and women of faith—including Jesus Christ—who openly shed tears of grief without any apparent embarrassment.—Genesis 50:3; 2 Samuel 1:11, 12; John 11:33, 35.

You may find that for a time your emotions will be somewhat unpredictable. Tears may flow without much advance warning. One widow found that supermarket shopping (something she had often done with her husband) could reduce her to tears, especially when, out of habit, she reached for items that had been her husband’s favorites. Be patient with yourself. And do not feel that you have to hold back the tears. Remember, they are a natural and necessary part of grieving.

Dealing With Guilt
As noted previously, some have feelings of guilt after losing a loved one in death. This may help to explain the acute grief of the faithful man Jacob when he was led to believe that his son Joseph had been killed by “a vicious wild beast.” Jacob himself had sent Joseph out to check on the welfare of his brothers. So Jacob was likely plagued with guilt feelings, such as ‘Why did I send Joseph out alone? Why did I send him out into an area abounding with wild beasts?’—Genesis 37:33-35.

Perhaps you feel that some neglect on your part contributed to your loved one’s death. Realizing that guilt—real or imagined—is a normal grief reaction can be helpful in itself. Here again, do not necessarily keep such feelings to yourself. Talking about how guilty you feel can provide a much needed release.

Realize, though, that no matter how much we love another person, we cannot control his or her life, nor can we prevent “time and unforeseen occurrence” from befalling those we love. (Ecclesiastes 9:11) Besides, no doubt your motives were not bad. For example, in not making a doctor’s appointment sooner, did you intend for your loved one to get sick and die? Of course not! Then are you really guilty of causing that one’s death? No.

One mother learned to deal with the guilt after her daughter died in a car accident. She explains: “I felt guilty that I had sent her out. But I came to realize that it was ridiculous to feel that way. There was nothing wrong with sending her with her father to run an errand. It was just a terrible accident.”

‘But there are so many things I wish I had said or done,’ you may say. True, but who of us can say that we have been the perfect father, mother, or child? The Bible reminds us: “We all stumble many times. If anyone does not stumble in word, this one is a perfect man.” (James 3:2; Romans 5:12) So accept the fact that you are not perfect. Dwelling upon all kinds of “if onlys” will not change anything, but it may slow down your recovery.

If you have sound reasons to believe that your guilt is real, not imagined, then consider the most important factor of all in allaying guilt—God’s forgiveness. The Bible assures us: “If errors were what you watch, O Jah, O Jehovah, who could stand? For there is the true forgiveness with you.” (Psalm 130:3, 4) You cannot return to the past and change anything. You can, though, beg God’s forgiveness for past mistakes. Then what? Well, if God promises to wipe the slate clean, should you not also forgive yourself?—Proverbs 28:13; 1 John 1:9.

Dealing With Anger
Do you also feel rather angry, perhaps at doctors, nurses, friends, or even the one who died? Realize that this too is a common reaction to loss. Perhaps your anger is the natural accompaniment of the hurt you feel. One writer said: “Only by becoming aware of the anger—not acting on it but knowing you feel it—can you be free of its destructive effect.”
It may also help to express or share the anger. How? Certainly not in uncontrolled outbursts. The Bible warns that prolonged anger is dangerous. (Proverbs 14:29, 30) But you may find comfort in talking about it with an understanding friend. And some find that vigorous exercise when they are angry is a helpful release.—See also Ephesians 4:25, 26.

While it is important to be open and honest about your feelings, a word of caution is in order. There is a big difference between expressing your feelings and dumping them on others. There is no need to blame others for your anger and frustration. So be mindful of talking out your feelings, but not in a hostile way. (Proverbs 18:21) There is one preeminent aid in coping with grief, and we will now discuss it.

Help From God
The Bible assures us: “Jehovah is near to those that are broken at heart; and those who are crushed in spirit he saves.” (Psalm 34:18) Yes, more than anything else, a relationship with God can help you to cope with the death of someone you love. How? All the practical suggestions offered thus far have been based on or are in harmony with God’s Word, the Bible. Applying them can help you cope.

In addition, do not underestimate the value of prayer. The Bible urges us: “Throw your burden upon Jehovah himself, and he himself will sustain you.” (Psalm 55:22) If talking out your feelings with a sympathetic friend can help, how much more will pouring out your heart to “the God of all comfort” help you!—2 Corinthians 1:3.

It is not that prayer simply makes us feel better. The “Hearer of prayer” promises to give holy spirit to his servants who sincerely ask for it. (Psalm 65:2; Luke 11:13) And God’s holy spirit, or active force, can equip you with “power beyond what is normal” to go from one day to the next. (2 Corinthians 4:7) Remember: God can help his faithful servants to endure any and every problem they may face.

One woman who lost a child in death recalls how the power of prayer helped her and her husband through their loss. “If we were home at night and the grief just became insurmountable, we would pray together out loud,” she explains. “The first time we had to do anything without her—the first congregation meeting we went to, the first convention we attended—we would pray for strength. When we got up in the morning and the reality of it all seemed unbearable, we would pray to Jehovah to help us. For some reason, it was really traumatic for me to walk into the house by myself. And so every time I came home alone, I would just say a prayer to Jehovah to please help me to maintain some sort of calm.” That faithful woman firmly and rightly believes that those prayers made a difference. You too may find that in response to your persistent prayers, ‘the peace of God that excels all thought will guard your heart and your mental powers.’—Philippians 4:6, 7; Romans 12:12.

The help that God supplies does make a difference. The Christian apostle Paul stated that God “comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those in any sort of tribulation.” True, divine help does not eliminate the pain, but it can make it easier to bear. That does not mean that you will no longer cry or will forget your loved one. But you can recover. And as you do, what you have experienced can make you more understanding and sympathetic in helping others to cope with a similar loss.—2 Corinthians 1:4.

Questions to Ponder
Why is it important to let yourself grieve?
How can you release your grief?
How can the Scriptures help you to deal with feelings of guilt and anger?
In what way can a relationship with God help you to cope with the death of a loved one?

What are some practical suggestions for coping with grief?
[Box on page 18]

Some Practical Suggestions
Rely on friends: Do not hesitate to let others help if they offer to do so and you can really use some assistance. Understand that it may be their way of showing you how they feel; perhaps they cannot find the right words.—Proverbs 18:24.

Take care of your health: Grieving can wear you out, especially in the beginning. Your body needs sufficient rest, healthful exercise, and proper nourishment more than ever. A periodic checkup by your family doctor might be in order.

Postpone major decisions: If possible, wait for at least some time until you are thinking more clearly before you decide such things as whether to sell your house or to change your job. (Proverbs 21:5) One widow recalled that several days after her husband died, she gave away many of his personal possessions. Later, she realized that she had given away mementos she treasured.

Be patient with yourself: Grief often lasts longer than people in general realize. Yearly reminders of the lost loved one may renew the pangs. Special pictures, songs, or even smells can trigger the tears. One scientific study of bereavement explained the grief process as follows: “The bereaved may swing dramatically and swiftly from one feeling state to another, and avoidance of reminders of the deceased may alternate with deliberate cultivation of memories for some period of time.” Keep Jehovah’s precious promises in mind.—Philippians 4:8, 9.

Make allowances for others: Try to be patient with others. Realize that it is awkward for them. Not knowing what to say, they may clumsily say the wrong thing.—Colossians 3:12, 13.

Beware of using medication or alcohol to cope with your grief: Any relief offered by drugs or alcohol is temporary at best. Medication should be taken only under a doctor’s supervision. But be careful; many substances are addictive. In addition, these may delay the grieving process. A pathologist warns: “The tragedy has to be endured, suffered and eventually rationalised and to retard this unduly by knocking out the [person] with drugs may prolong or distort the process.” Lasting relief will come through meditating on Jehovah’s grand purposes.—Psalm 1:2; 119:97.

Get back into a regular routine: You may have to push yourself at first to go to work, to go shopping, or to take care of other responsibilities. But you may find that the structure of your normal routine will do you a lot of good. Keep busy in Christian works.—Compare 1 Corinthians 15:58.
Do not be afraid to let go of acute grief: Strange as it may seem, some bereaved ones are afraid to let go of the intense grief, believing that it may indicate their love for the deceased one is diminishing. That simply is not the case. Letting go of the pain makes way for treasured memories that will no doubt always remain with you.—Ecclesiastes 3:1, 4.

Do not be unduly anxious: You may find yourself worrying, ‘What will become of me now?’ The Bible counsels to take one day at a time. “Living more on a day-to-day basis really helps me,” explains one widow. Jesus said to his disciples: “Never be anxious about the next day, for the next day will have its own anxieties.”—Matthew 6:25-34.

[Picture on page 15]
Bible examples show that writing down your feelings may help you to express your grief
[Picture on page 16]
In every culture, grieving people appreciate receiving comfort
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User ID: 42653865
Denmark
09/21/2013 07:03 PM
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Re: NEEDING SOME SERIOUS ADVICE HERE. .
quote/
It's just too hard to get out and see couples and families participating in life. I feel so out of sync with them

And long enough you wish for doom and end here.
Please hold still so I can cut your hair long
SPUD

09/21/2013 07:05 PM
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Re: NEEDING SOME SERIOUS ADVICE HERE. .
I don't know, you don't need to just sit there and fade away. Go out and be active , do something, anything. Time will pass and...who the hell am I kidding....I don't know the answer.

This song made me happy the other day, maybe it will bring you joy, too...


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most"
___________
"May your chains rest lightly upon you..."
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 46831792
Australia
09/21/2013 07:08 PM
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Re: NEEDING SOME SERIOUS ADVICE HERE. .
OK, It's been over 4 months....and I know many of you remember my post right after my husband passed. I am coming to grips with it,finally but I cannot believe how very lonely it is being single. I mean, there is just no one to taste my new recipes,no one to talk with, no one to help you when you are so sick you cannot get up and do anything, no one to share anything with.

I have a great family but I've lost my zest for life...Nothing is making sense to me. I have come to the conclusions that we are not meant to be alone. It's just too hard to get out and see couples and families participating in life. I feel so out of sync with them. I am SOME new person with a new path I know nothing about.
Has anyone went through this and if so...how do you find your new path. Where do I begin to put my life together again? I feel so dazed...motivation is just not there.
I do not mean to complain, but guys I have been on here since the days of Elaine, then Ken took it over. And now the monk has it.....bless his heart.
I don't know. I don't even want to get out of the house anymore. It's gotten that bad.
And I do not want to hardly talk to anyone. No phone calls, it is just so strange for such an outgoing person like me to do such a huge turn around. Is this normal? If so, how long does this last? I think the trauma of seeing such an ugly side of this type of cancer consume someone who you felt you would be with for much longer has affected me and my reality. Like it marks you for life.
Just wanted to see how others have faired after going through these losses in life. I need to know if this passes.
 Quoting: Angel Helper



For you OP, I pray it may help, you will be ok, and YOU WILL grow stronger.

Life is way too short, and I know how you feel, I've been there.

Never EVER give up hope, remember, you are loved, and you will love again.

Follow the inner heart prompts inside, when you ask....

Ask, and you WILL receive,


blessings,
we, all of us in the world, send our love straight to your heart, mind and soul.


hfhfhf
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 46831792
Australia
09/21/2013 07:09 PM
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Re: NEEDING SOME SERIOUS ADVICE HERE. .
OK, It's been over 4 months....and I know many of you remember my post right after my husband passed. I am coming to grips with it,finally but I cannot believe how very lonely it is being single. I mean, there is just no one to taste my new recipes,no one to talk with, no one to help you when you are so sick you cannot get up and do anything, no one to share anything with.

I have a great family but I've lost my zest for life...Nothing is making sense to me. I have come to the conclusions that we are not meant to be alone. It's just too hard to get out and see couples and families participating in life. I feel so out of sync with them. I am SOME new person with a new path I know nothing about.
Has anyone went through this and if so...how do you find your new path. Where do I begin to put my life together again? I feel so dazed...motivation is just not there.
I do not mean to complain, but guys I have been on here since the days of Elaine, then Ken took it over. And now the monk has it.....bless his heart.
I don't know. I don't even want to get out of the house anymore. It's gotten that bad.
And I do not want to hardly talk to anyone. No phone calls, it is just so strange for such an outgoing person like me to do such a huge turn around. Is this normal? If so, how long does this last? I think the trauma of seeing such an ugly side of this type of cancer consume someone who you felt you would be with for much longer has affected me and my reality. Like it marks you for life.
Just wanted to see how others have faired after going through these losses in life. I need to know if this passes.
 Quoting: Angel Helper



For you OP, I pray it may help, you will be ok, and YOU WILL grow stronger.

Life is way too short, and I know how you feel, I've been there.

Never EVER give up hope, remember, you are loved, and you will love again.

Follow the inner heart prompts inside, when you ask....

Ask, and you WILL receive,


blessings,
we, all of us in the world, send our love straight to your heart, mind and soul.


hfhfhf
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 46831792


[link to www.youtube.com]


after com

add this

/watch?v=6TcxA_7_fi8
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 46831792
Australia
09/21/2013 07:12 PM
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Re: NEEDING SOME SERIOUS ADVICE HERE. .
OK, It's been over 4 months....and I know many of you remember my post right after my husband passed. I am coming to grips with it,finally but I cannot believe how very lonely it is being single. I mean, there is just no one to taste my new recipes,no one to talk with, no one to help you when you are so sick you cannot get up and do anything, no one to share anything with.

I have a great family but I've lost my zest for life...Nothing is making sense to me. I have come to the conclusions that we are not meant to be alone. It's just too hard to get out and see couples and families participating in life. I feel so out of sync with them. I am SOME new person with a new path I know nothing about.
Has anyone went through this and if so...how do you find your new path. Where do I begin to put my life together again? I feel so dazed...motivation is just not there.
I do not mean to complain, but guys I have been on here since the days of Elaine, then Ken took it over. And now the monk has it.....bless his heart.
I don't know. I don't even want to get out of the house anymore. It's gotten that bad.
And I do not want to hardly talk to anyone. No phone calls, it is just so strange for such an outgoing person like me to do such a huge turn around. Is this normal? If so, how long does this last? I think the trauma of seeing such an ugly side of this type of cancer consume someone who you felt you would be with for much longer has affected me and my reality. Like it marks you for life.
Just wanted to see how others have faired after going through these losses in life. I need to know if this passes.
 Quoting: Angel Helper



For you OP, I pray it may help, you will be ok, and YOU WILL grow stronger.

Life is way too short, and I know how you feel, I've been there.

Never EVER give up hope, remember, you are loved, and you will love again.

Follow the inner heart prompts inside, when you ask....

Ask, and you WILL receive,


blessings,
we, all of us in the world, send our love straight to your heart, mind and soul.


hfhfhf
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 46831792


[link to www.youtube.com]


after com

add this

/watch?v=6TcxA_7_fi8
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 46831792



Here is another beautiful youtube post... I pray it will lift your spirit where you are right now,

Interview With God - www.InterviewWithGodSite.com



[link to www.youtube.com]

after com

add this

/watch?v=moBvLFbFdJ4


hf
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 47211892
United Kingdom
09/21/2013 07:19 PM
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Re: NEEDING SOME SERIOUS ADVICE HERE. .
OK, It's been over 4 months....and I know many of you remember my post right after my husband passed. I am coming to grips with it,finally but I cannot believe how very lonely it is being single. I mean, there is just no one to taste my new recipes,no one to talk with, no one to help you when you are so sick you cannot get up and do anything, no one to share anything with.

I have a great family but I've lost my zest for life...Nothing is making sense to me. I have come to the conclusions that we are not meant to be alone. It's just too hard to get out and see couples and families participating in life. I feel so out of sync with them. I am SOME new person with a new path I know nothing about.
Has anyone went through this and if so...how do you find your new path. Where do I begin to put my life together again? I feel so dazed...motivation is just not there.
I do not mean to complain, but guys I have been on here since the days of Elaine, then Ken took it over. And now the monk has it.....bless his heart.
I don't know. I don't even want to get out of the house anymore. It's gotten that bad.
And I do not want to hardly talk to anyone. No phone calls, it is just so strange for such an outgoing person like me to do such a huge turn around. Is this normal? If so, how long does this last? I think the trauma of seeing such an ugly side of this type of cancer consume someone who you felt you would be with for much longer has affected me and my reality. Like it marks you for life.
Just wanted to see how others have faired after going through these losses in life. I need to know if this passes.
 Quoting: Angel Helper


Your grieving in your own way and haven't come to terms with the huge change in your life.

They say time is a healer, it may not seem like that now.

What you could be doing, is doing what most people do when they lose a loved one, and doing all the things they used to enjoy doing together.

That can help in someways, in that it allows people to grieve and move on with the realization they wont do those things together again, on the other hand and what it could be doing to you is its making it worse because you realize that you wont do those things together again, so you don't want to do them by yourself.

It might help to do things you enjoy.
Slowly, not everyday.
Cook the foods, you like, enjoy your life.
I'm sure your husband, rest his soul, wouldn't want you to turn into a recluse, and lock yourself away.

Then sometimes, it can help to just be by yourself.
I am not one to grieve in public.
I locked myself away, until I could come to terms with my lose, I then slowly went out and started doing things I enjoyed. It can be hard, because you sometimes let your mind wander into thinking, "oh wouldn't he have loved to have been here for this", which can make you want to give up and go back home.

How I used to deal with it, and still do to this day sometimes, is instead of turning back and locking yourself away, I think lets make the most of it, its what they would have wanted if they were here.

You will have good days and bad days, but you have to always remember, they wouldn't want your life to stand still on account of them.
Anonymous Coward
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United States
09/21/2013 07:23 PM
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Re: NEEDING SOME SERIOUS ADVICE HERE. .
I am sorry for your loss, but keep in mind death is a natural part of life and life cannot exist without death.

Find something to live for. Make a difference with your life. Give meaning to your life and the lives of others. Do this and fate will lead you to love. You will find new friends not when you seek them out, but when you give meaning to your life.
Anonymous Coward
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United States
09/21/2013 07:30 PM
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Re: NEEDING SOME SERIOUS ADVICE HERE. .
You will have good days and bad days, but you have to always remember, they wouldn't want your life to stand still on account of them.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 47211892

Everything was fine till you got to this: there is no way any of us can know that for sure! There are plenty of people about who'd resent like hell the idea of their newly separated spouse, 'significant other,' or whatever modern term applies, getting on with their business as usual - without them. Every day, some ex-boyfriend or spouse kills an 'ex,' and sometimes the children too. The question worth asking oneself is: are we going to let other people, dead or alive, stop us from getting on with our lives according to our own design? If we're mentally healthy, the answer should always be no.
Anonymous Coward
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United States
09/21/2013 07:32 PM
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Re: NEEDING SOME SERIOUS ADVICE HERE. .
Unfortunately I went through the same thing after my first divorce. I was so devasted I went through a prolonged period of depression and basically stayed home and become withdrawn from society. It lastest almost 2 years. I finally met my current wife at a company I went to work for and she had a lot of friends and a pretty big family, which helped me snap out of it, but to this day I have never gotten back to my former outgoing fun-loving self. My wife and I just had a conversation (fight actually) about this yesterday and told me everyone says I'm grumpy and no fun to be around and that some of my oldest friends confided in her that I was too serious and needed to lighten up. I'm not sure what the problem is, I just don't have the zest for life anymore despite being blessed with a very good life. I am still to this day intorverted and would rather stay home than go out in public around a bunch of people. It's a problem, but I don't know how to fix it.