I am going to leave the thread title as it is right now for the time being. I'm sure it's more than noticeable that I can't keep up with the thread at this time.

I'm having a really hard time with the reality of my papa's situation. And the possible realities to come with his situation.

I dropped off some otc medicine to nanny last night. I dropped it off in the little enclosed porch area at the front of their house as it was raining last night. She opened the main door to the house to see me and I just wanted to hug her SO badly. I did not. I had to treat my grandmother who I love so incredibly much as a fucking leper. She looked so sad. So worn out. So broken. Omg, my heart is so broken.

No luck yet on getting him off of the ventilator, although they are trying now daily. I worry about them wanting his ventilator for a patient with a potential better outcome.

I apologize for my lack of presence here. I'm having a hard time with all of this. My papa has always been my biggest cheerleader. He was literally there for me, physically even, when no one else was/could be. Nothing ever mattered to papa when it came to protecting/saving me.

Papa is the first man I ever loved.

Papa is THE man! He really is the most incredible soul. And this is so damn heart breaking. I just had a melt down. Another one. Usually I can hide it, and hold off until much later in the evening when everyone has gone to sleep, but this one snuck out.

My papa cannot fucking die there! And get no proper funeral. Fuck that! He deserves SO much better than that. Everyone who loves him deserves to see so much better than that FOR him.

This is fucked my friends. I can't think straight...ever. My sleep schedule is shit, far worse than it ever has been. Not that it currently matters. Eating schedule is even worse. I am so worried, stressed. I am rambling. I need to. I am so fucking scared. I just want my papa to get through this.

And fuck China.