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Need advice from men and women who are in a relationship..

 
Anonymous Coward
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01/22/2014 12:02 AM
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Re: Need advice from men and women who are in a relationship..
I think it works if you were friends with the other person since childhood and each person never had romantic feelings for the other. Then, when you are part of a couple, you make sure your partner gets to know this person so you are all friends. Been there done that and it works.
Anonymous Coward
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01/22/2014 12:07 AM
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Re: Need advice from men and women who are in a relationship..
Then, I want you to ask let's say there was a breach in trust, on either person, in the relationship.
In that case, how would you handle the idea of, your partner, having friends of the opposite sex?

 Quoting: gracebear


I wouldn't worry about it as long as I was getting some good sex and fun, with low risk of disease. Nothing lasts for ever. If he/she is sleeping with someone else, why should that affect the time you spend together.

It's a lot like work. Do you really care if they spend their lunch hour with a co-worker?
Anonymous Coward
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01/22/2014 12:10 AM
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Re: Need advice from men and women who are in a relationship..
My old girlfriend had a coterie of male 'friends'. They were primarily ex lovers who would just hang around hoping for a weak moment.

In general most guys aren't just 'friends' with girls, especially if the women are attractive. I'd make sure she was aware of that. Perhaps you could start hanging out with lovely female friends yourself and see if she's down for that.

I'm guessing your girl just likes the attention.
 Quoting: SevenThunders



For the record, I'm a female asking the question.

I dont' believe that most guys aren't just "friends" with girls.
Maybe that's cause I'm a girl and that's just my bias.
I just find it unfortunate that this is such a big issue.
So, how did you address the problem? Did you ask her to not hangout with them? or how did you put your mind at ease?
 Quoting: gracebear


That's not a matter of personal bias. That's a fact. The vast majority of guys in the vast majority of situations are looking for more than friendship. Deep down, I think women know this fact. I think if you're trying to justify hanging out with another man, you're either a cheater at heart or you're simply not happy in your current relationship.
Anonymous Coward
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01/22/2014 01:00 AM
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Re: Need advice from men and women who are in a relationship..
The vast majority of guys in the vast majority of situations are looking for more than friendship. Deep down, I think women know this fact.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 34166864


hesright
Anonymous Coward
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01/22/2014 01:40 AM
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Re: Need advice from men and women who are in a relationship..
I thought I had female friends when I was younger, ended up in bed with them all and by their invitation. I think it is very hard to keep that type of relationship long term. Stuff just happens.
Sharkspined

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01/22/2014 01:44 AM
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Re: Need advice from men and women who are in a relationship..
Male friends that I've known before my husband? He's fine with them. But I don't really have male friends that I've made that are new, aside from a co-worker, but we haven't really arranged to hangout aside from like me giving him a ride home from work.

I don't really want my husband making female friends that he's gonna hang out with, but I don't mind practical relationships with like, co-workers. He's not the type to make friends with people, anyway, though.

It depends on the relationship, but I generally think when you're married, it's a little weird to hang out with the opposite gender alone, but if it's like a mutual friendship, sure. For all intents and purposes, though, practical things like rides home and what-not don't bother me.
sun - aquarius (7/8 house cusp)
moon - virgo (3h)
rising - cancer
true node - pisces (9h)
chiron - cancer (12h)
M1.618

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01/22/2014 01:46 AM
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Re: Need advice from men and women who are in a relationship..
How do you feel about your partner having friends of the opposite sex?
Is this an issue for you?
How have you resolved it?

Then, I want you to ask let's say there was a breach in trust, on either person, in the relationship.
In that case, how would you handle the idea of, your partner, having friends of the opposite sex?

This has been an issue for me and just would like a big pool of advice.

Please only serious posts hf
 Quoting: gracebear


If you are in Love
Why would it be a problem?

If you are not in Love
That is the problem.
wmMmw
Sharkspined

User ID: 25495347
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01/22/2014 01:47 AM
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Re: Need advice from men and women who are in a relationship..
I think it works if you were friends with the other person since childhood and each person never had romantic feelings for the other. Then, when you are part of a couple, you make sure your partner gets to know this person so you are all friends. Been there done that and it works.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 1465884
Same.

Well, except that my guy friends before my husband, I dated both of them. But we all remained friends ... it's all sort of a detached romance thing, we really saw we're all better as friends and kept it that way after it failed romantically.

They all met, came to the wedding, etc.

Last Edited by Sharkspined on 01/22/2014 01:49 AM
sun - aquarius (7/8 house cusp)
moon - virgo (3h)
rising - cancer
true node - pisces (9h)
chiron - cancer (12h)
Neptune Fabman

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01/22/2014 01:50 AM
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Re: Need advice from men and women who are in a relationship..
A man can have women friends, but a woman can't have male friends. It's that simple.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 15289770


hesright
...Your Own Personal Jesus...
Sharkspined

User ID: 25495347
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01/22/2014 02:02 AM
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Re: Need advice from men and women who are in a relationship..
I think it works if you were friends with the other person since childhood and each person never had romantic feelings for the other. Then, when you are part of a couple, you make sure your partner gets to know this person so you are all friends. Been there done that and it works.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 1465884
Same.

Well, except that my guy friends before my husband, I dated both of them. But we all remained friends ... it's all sort of a detached romance thing, we really saw we're all better as friends and kept it that way after it failed romantically.

They all met, came to the wedding, etc.

edit: I've known these 2 guys since 9th grade, they're pretty old school type friends.
 Quoting: Sharkspined

sun - aquarius (7/8 house cusp)
moon - virgo (3h)
rising - cancer
true node - pisces (9h)
chiron - cancer (12h)
Sharkspined

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01/22/2014 02:02 AM
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Re: Need advice from men and women who are in a relationship..

I think it works if you were friends with the other person since childhood and each person never had romantic feelings for the other. Then, when you are part of a couple, you make sure your partner gets to know this person so you are all friends. Been there done that and it works.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 1465884
Same.

Well, except that my guy friends before my husband, I dated both of them. But we all remained friends ... it's all sort of a detached romance thing, we really saw we're all better as friends and kept it that way after it failed romantically.

They all met, came to the wedding, etc.

edit: I've known these 2 guys since 9th grade, they're pretty old school type friends.



I didn't actually mean to make this a post, I thought I was editing it.
sun - aquarius (7/8 house cusp)
moon - virgo (3h)
rising - cancer
true node - pisces (9h)
chiron - cancer (12h)
Anonymous Coward
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01/22/2014 04:02 AM
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Re: Need advice from men and women who are in a relationship..
I do not mind my partner of 17 years having male friends, yet often times you will see them checking her out, so what, she loves me I love her so trust is not an issue.

They can want all they like, that hottie is coming home with me every single time, so it is their wasted energy and wanting, when I was younger it would wind me up, but we mature as we grow, I now see it as a compliment to my hot woman and have a little chuckle inside.
Anonymous Coward
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01/22/2014 07:27 AM
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Re: Need advice from men and women who are in a relationship..
I do not mind my partner of 17 years having male friends, yet often times you will see them checking her out, so what, she loves me I love her so trust is not an issue.

They can want all they like, that hottie is coming home with me every single time, so it is their wasted energy and wanting, when I was younger it would wind me up, but we mature as we grow, I now see it as a compliment to my hot woman and have a little chuckle inside.
 Quoting: <<orbs>>


Oh please, she is getting plowed when your not around.
Anonymous Coward
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01/22/2014 08:36 AM
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Re: Need advice from men and women who are in a relationship..
I'm in a long term relationship (20 years). My girl has friends of the opposite sex. I'm terribly insecure, not about being "cheated" on, but about not being told (the truth about whatever). She has full permission to play, and as long as I'm informed then I have no jealousy issues whatsoever. I do sometimes have issues over competing for time and attention from her male friends, but it's not that I don't want her to have friends. I think it's good for her self esteem, and I receive benefit from it otherwise.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 23428661
Australia
01/22/2014 09:12 AM
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Re: Need advice from men and women who are in a relationship..
i think it's extremely necessary to at least try and see the funny, sexy and liberating side to it all..
undesirability (real or imagined), while it's not the nicest feeling, is sort of an important emotion to face.

as for broken trust/relationships, you *ideally* need to know yourself and your partner! is your partner likely to want to try to protect you from being hurt and thus hide things from you? or are they pretty hopeless at or disinterested in dealing with anything objectionable and thus hide things from you?

i think it essentially kinda comes down to honouring what exactly you want in and of your relationship with your partner..
being true to yourself..
and asking yourselves and each other if you have chosen the right partner in one another!

hf
Anonymous Coward
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01/22/2014 09:14 AM
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Re: Need advice from men and women who are in a relationship..
funny, sexy and liberating is only one way of looking at it

hf

there's a time and a place for that, and also for .. well, that's between you two :)
Anonymous Coward
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01/22/2014 09:18 AM
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Re: Need advice from men and women who are in a relationship..
oops i'm not in a relationship but i'm a real expert hehehehhe
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 12182882
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01/22/2014 09:30 AM
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Re: Need advice from men and women who are in a relationship..
My old girlfriend had a coterie of male 'friends'. They were primarily ex lovers who would just hang around hoping for a weak moment.

In general most guys aren't just 'friends' with girls, especially if the women are attractive. I'd make sure she was aware of that. Perhaps you could start hanging out with lovely female friends yourself and see if she's down for that.

I'm guessing your girl just likes the attention.
 Quoting: SevenThunders



For the record, I'm a female asking the question.

I dont' believe that most guys aren't just "friends" with girls.
Maybe that's cause I'm a girl and that's just my bias.
I just find it unfortunate that this is such a big issue.
So, how did you address the problem? Did you ask her to not hangout with them? or how did you put your mind at ease?
 Quoting: gracebear


The male sex drive is very powerful at younger ages. Some guys even delude themselves into thinking they are just friends, but I bet if you went over and snuggled up to one of your male "friends" they would soon be hunting for something more then your wonderful personality.

It's nature. I suppose its one of the things males struggle with. It is an internal battle between the sex drive, and your brain. If you a flirtatious at all you are helping the guerrilla brain win. If you wear revealing clothing, you are helping the gorilla brain win. If you hint or otherwise make an innocent remark, then you may be helping the normal brain justify the urges of the guerrilla brain.

That being said, you can have male friends, but you can bet, that deep within their subconscious they would love to bend you over a chair and drive you to china. If they are disciplined, and you are completely non sexual it can be fine.

Now, your boyfriend knows this. Because he feels it! Now do you understand why he might be a little suspicious?
Anonymous Coward
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01/22/2014 10:07 AM
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Re: Need advice from men and women who are in a relationship..
The game is in keeping yourself the most attractive option at all times.

If you do it right, your partner will also play that same game with you.

Win, Win.
Anonymous Coward
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01/22/2014 10:12 AM
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Re: Need advice from men and women who are in a relationship..
I understand that if trust is breached then there will be more suscipion.
Even if the person is insecure, I understand they wouldn't feel comfortable with their partner having friends of the opposite sex.

The issue for me is not being able to do what you want.
(Not to sound selfish)
Am I wrong for thinking that way?
Maybe I need to do a whole self assessement and find out what the heart of my problem is.
I just feel like a giant mess sometimes and other times I seem to have it all together.
 Quoting: gracebear


Fwiw, when you meet the 'right' person to marry, you really won't even think about anyone else in the opposite sex. That's the beauty of true love, it feeds all your needs.

Not everyone finds it, though, that's why people still have these needs for opposite sex friends.

Perhaps your mate is not your true love, otherwise you would not even have these concerns.
gracebear  (OP)

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01/22/2014 10:46 AM
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Re: Need advice from men and women who are in a relationship..
The game is in keeping yourself the most attractive option at all times.

If you do it right, your partner will also play that same game with you.

Win, Win.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 14385938



That's a good point. I do that hf
:gracebear:
I eat, sleep, and breathe God's Grace.
:luv: My Heart Is Taken :luv:
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gracebear  (OP)

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01/22/2014 10:47 AM
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Re: Need advice from men and women who are in a relationship..
I understand that if trust is breached then there will be more suscipion.
Even if the person is insecure, I understand they wouldn't feel comfortable with their partner having friends of the opposite sex.

The issue for me is not being able to do what you want.
(Not to sound selfish)
Am I wrong for thinking that way?
Maybe I need to do a whole self assessement and find out what the heart of my problem is.
I just feel like a giant mess sometimes and other times I seem to have it all together.
 Quoting: gracebear


Fwiw, when you meet the 'right' person to marry, you really won't even think about anyone else in the opposite sex. That's the beauty of true love, it feeds all your needs.

Not everyone finds it, though, that's why people still have these needs for opposite sex friends.

Perhaps your mate is not your true love, otherwise you would not even have these concerns.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 25046135



We are still just dating.
So yah I have a need for other people in my life. I'm a very social person.
:gracebear:
I eat, sleep, and breathe God's Grace.
:luv: My Heart Is Taken :luv:
[[No Private Msgs Please.]]
gracebear  (OP)

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01/22/2014 10:49 AM
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Re: Need advice from men and women who are in a relationship..
Deep down I know what I have to do.
I'm just going to give this entire situation to God.
I believe we already have the tools to make this work so he and I have to receive it together by faith.
It still super hard sometimes, but I have to try and look past it.
He has my heart and we have grown extremely close, in my opinion, because of bad situations in the past. Now we are much stronger.


Grace to you all hf
:gracebear:
I eat, sleep, and breathe God's Grace.
:luv: My Heart Is Taken :luv:
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Anonymous Coward
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01/22/2014 11:58 AM
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Re: Need advice from men and women who are in a relationship..
I do not mind my partner of 17 years having male friends, yet often times you will see them checking her out, so what, she loves me I love her so trust is not an issue.

They can want all they like, that hottie is coming home with me every single time, so it is their wasted energy and wanting, when I was younger it would wind me up, but we mature as we grow, I now see it as a compliment to my hot woman and have a little chuckle inside.
 Quoting: <<orbs>>


Oh please, she is getting plowed when your not around.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 40108109


That is your insecurity buddy not mine, if you go through life thinking shit like that, you are going to have a very very sad life.

After 17 years and 2 kids I think I know my lady better than some sick minded little ac now, wouldn't you?
Anonymous Coward
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01/22/2014 01:37 PM
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Re: Need advice from men and women who are in a relationship..
If your 'friends' are causing issues between you & your boyfriend, it is time to make a decision. What do you actually want? A committed relationship? Or to be social, & have 'friends?'

It seems pretty obvious to me you want friends, so you need to tell the BF that ASAP.

(IMO, men & women can't ever be 'just friends.' Like others have said, it's not fair to give that time & energy to someone not your significant other, & even if the SO is ok w it, the 'friend' wants to bang you, so not really fair to them either.)
Anonymous Coward
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01/22/2014 01:42 PM
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Re: Need advice from men and women who are in a relationship..
Deep down I know what I have to do.
I'm just going to give this entire situation to God.

 Quoting: gracebear


With all due respect to your faith, I think this is a bit of a cop-out. You're in charge here. You cannot be selfish & thoughtless of other people's feelings & then blow it all off with a 'it was God's will!' You need to put in some serious introspection - pray & meditate on it if you think in those terms - & be honest with yourself & your feelings.

It isn't fair to your 'friends' or your BF to shove the consequences of YOUR actions onto 'God's will.'
Inspired 2

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01/22/2014 01:43 PM
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Re: Need advice from men and women who are in a relationship..
How do you feel about your partner having friends of the opposite sex?
Is this an issue for you?
How have you resolved it?

Then, I want you to ask let's say there was a breach in trust, on either person, in the relationship.
In that case, how would you handle the idea of, your partner, having friends of the opposite sex?

This has been an issue for me and just would like a big pool of advice.

Please only serious posts hf
 Quoting: gracebear


If you have issues with that you are no more than a friend having seks with a (supposed) friend.

siren2
~sIcKaNdTwIsTeD~

User ID: 29333438
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01/22/2014 01:43 PM
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Re: Need advice from men and women who are in a relationship..
I thought I had female friends when I was younger, ended up in bed with them all and by their invitation. I think it is very hard to keep that type of relationship long term. Stuff just happens.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 41435651


Sisters friends too^^^^. Oh well. Just run off to school Gracie and what happens happens.
gracebear  (OP)

User ID: 53024404
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01/22/2014 03:39 PM
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Re: Need advice from men and women who are in a relationship..
Deep down I know what I have to do.
I'm just going to give this entire situation to God.

 Quoting: gracebear


With all due respect to your faith, I think this is a bit of a cop-out. You're in charge here. You cannot be selfish & thoughtless of other people's feelings & then blow it all off with a 'it was God's will!' You need to put in some serious introspection - pray & meditate on it if you think in those terms - & be honest with yourself & your feelings.

It isn't fair to your 'friends' or your BF to shove the consequences of YOUR actions onto 'God's will.'
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 53229434


That's what I meant. hf
Walk in his will with my boyfriend. I'm not looking for a "fast pass"
:gracebear:
I eat, sleep, and breathe God's Grace.
:luv: My Heart Is Taken :luv:
[[No Private Msgs Please.]]
gracebear  (OP)

User ID: 53024404
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01/22/2014 03:47 PM
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Re: Need advice from men and women who are in a relationship..
My old girlfriend had a coterie of male 'friends'. They were primarily ex lovers who would just hang around hoping for a weak moment.

In general most guys aren't just 'friends' with girls, especially if the women are attractive. I'd make sure she was aware of that. Perhaps you could start hanging out with lovely female friends yourself and see if she's down for that.

I'm guessing your girl just likes the attention.
 Quoting: SevenThunders



For the record, I'm a female asking the question.

I dont' believe that most guys aren't just "friends" with girls.
Maybe that's cause I'm a girl and that's just my bias.
I just find it unfortunate that this is such a big issue.
So, how did you address the problem? Did you ask her to not hangout with them? or how did you put your mind at ease?
 Quoting: gracebear


The male sex drive is very powerful at younger ages. Some guys even delude themselves into thinking they are just friends, but I bet if you went over and snuggled up to one of your male "friends" they would soon be hunting for something more then your wonderful personality.

It's nature. I suppose its one of the things males struggle with. It is an internal battle between the sex drive, and your brain. If you a flirtatious at all you are helping the guerrilla brain win. If you wear revealing clothing, you are helping the gorilla brain win. If you hint or otherwise make an innocent remark, then you may be helping the normal brain justify the urges of the guerrilla brain.

That being said, you can have male friends, but you can bet, that deep within their subconscious they would love to bend you over a chair and drive you to china. If they are disciplined, and you are completely non sexual it can be fine.

Now, your boyfriend knows this. Because he feels it! Now do you understand why he might be a little suspicious?
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 12182882


SO, you're telling me that no matter what the case will be if the woman is attractive there will be an underlying sexual desire for her.
What about for females? Does that still apply?

I know some women play their looks up to their advantage...
:gracebear:
I eat, sleep, and breathe God's Grace.
:luv: My Heart Is Taken :luv:
[[No Private Msgs Please.]]





GLP