The most important thing a survivalist needs to carry if SHTF?

What's the most important thing you need to carry if SHTF and you've got to get going? How do you keep it safe even if you're captured by hostile people?

The best place for a survivalist to store essential equipment is a body cavity. No. I am not joking or trolling. Think about it. If you are captured by FEMA troops or a band of marauding people, what's the only place they won't look into? Your ass. They may search your pockets and rucksack, pat you down or even strip you down. However, I can bet that they will not look into your ass.

What to store there? First, unless you're the goatse-guy, those things need to be small and blunt. So, I've been thinking about matches and kindling. Starting a fire at the place of your imprisonment could be a great distraction that allows you to escape. After you escape, you may be in pain or running fever, so some over-the-counter pain killers would be a good addition. A compass, maybe. What else? If the cellphone system is still operating, a small pre-paid cellphone might also be a good idea. Everything needs to be wrapped into a condom, of course.

I know this sounds ridiculous and gay, but it's a proven trick by POWs to store important stuff where the sun doesn't shine.