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The most important thing a survivalist needs to carry if SHTF?

 
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 55703922
France
04/09/2014 05:49 AM
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The most important thing a survivalist needs to carry if SHTF?
What's the most important thing you need to carry if SHTF and you've got to get going? How do you keep it safe even if you're captured by hostile people?

The best place for a survivalist to store essential equipment is a body cavity. No. I am not joking or trolling. Think about it. If you are captured by FEMA troops or a band of marauding people, what's the only place they won't look into? Your ass. They may search your pockets and rucksack, pat you down or even strip you down. However, I can bet that they will not look into your ass.

What to store there? First, unless you're the goatse-guy, those things need to be small and blunt. So, I've been thinking about matches and kindling. Starting a fire at the place of your imprisonment could be a great distraction that allows you to escape. After you escape, you may be in pain or running fever, so some over-the-counter pain killers would be a good addition. A compass, maybe. What else? If the cellphone system is still operating, a small pre-paid cellphone might also be a good idea. Everything needs to be wrapped into a condom, of course.

I know this sounds ridiculous and gay, but it's a proven trick by POWs to store important stuff where the sun doesn't shine.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 42450952
United States
04/09/2014 05:52 AM
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Re: The most important thing a survivalist needs to carry if SHTF?
What's the most important thing you need to carry if SHTF and you've got to get going? How do you keep it safe even if you're captured by hostile people?

The best place for a survivalist to store essential equipment is a body cavity. No. I am not joking or trolling. Think about it. If you are captured by FEMA troops or a band of marauding people, what's the only place they won't look into? Your ass. They may search your pockets and rucksack, pat you down or even strip you down. However, I can bet that they will not look into your ass.

What to store there? First, unless you're the goatse-guy, those things need to be small and blunt. So, I've been thinking about matches and kindling. Starting a fire at the place of your imprisonment could be a great distraction that allows you to escape. After you escape, you may be in pain or running fever, so some over-the-counter pain killers would be a good addition. A compass, maybe. What else? If the cellphone system is still operating, a small pre-paid cellphone might also be a good idea. Everything needs to be wrapped into a condom, of course.

I know this sounds ridiculous and gay, but it's a proven trick by POWs to store important stuff where the sun doesn't shine.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 55703922


go ahead and put that gun or food up your ass.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 56106588
Finland
04/09/2014 05:56 AM
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Re: The most important thing a survivalist needs to carry if SHTF?
"However, I can bet that they will not look into your ass."

What makes you think that? Don't you know what happens in prisons and gangs?
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 42450952
United States
04/09/2014 05:58 AM
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Re: The most important thing a survivalist needs to carry if SHTF?
"However, I can bet that they will not look into your ass."

What makes you think that? Don't you know what happens in prisons and gangs?
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 56106588


gangs look in each other ass for things?
DarkFounder

User ID: 48201551
Czech Republic
04/09/2014 05:59 AM
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Re: The most important thing a survivalist needs to carry if SHTF?
nvm

Last Edited by DarkFounder on 04/09/2014 05:59 AM
See ya! Also my English could be worse than real SHTF.

"The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off."
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 56596253
United States
04/09/2014 06:00 AM
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Re: The most important thing a survivalist needs to carry if SHTF?
How about a USB drive up the rectum?

On it youve got the essentials: bitcoin and porn.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 53973062
United States
04/09/2014 06:01 AM
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Re: The most important thing a survivalist needs to carry if SHTF?
POWs from 70 years ago, these days your ass will be the first place they look, what a stupid ideaw besides what are you going to set on fire? You think you're gonna have some curtains at your prison? Most of the shit there doesn't burn anyway
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 56390347
United States
04/09/2014 06:05 AM
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Re: The most important thing a survivalist needs to carry if SHTF?
"......Put a little Tiny Man in your butt......"

Anonymous Coward
User ID: 1313288
United States
04/09/2014 06:11 AM
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Re: The most important thing a survivalist needs to carry if SHTF?
dumbass
Anonymous Coward (OP)
User ID: 55703922
France
04/09/2014 06:12 AM
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Re: The most important thing a survivalist needs to carry if SHTF?
Are you seriously saying that if SHTF, FEMA guys and gangs will actually conduct cavity searches? I don't believe it.

I'd be more worried about some pervert trying to use my ass for his pleasure. I don't think women will be much around and you know what happens to men then.

I think most preppers completely neglect planning for a prisoner situation. It's only a matter of time when either the remaining authorities or armed gangs capture you. You need to think it out.

As for setting something on fire, I know the dedicated cells are fireproof. However, I don't think I'd be held in a supermax block. They'd most likely use normal houses, warehouses and office buildings for detention. Plenty of flammable stuff there.
Anonymous Coward (OP)
User ID: 55703922
France
04/09/2014 06:44 AM
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Re: The most important thing a survivalist needs to carry if SHTF?
How typically stupid and american, preparing to fail by planning to be imprisoned.
You fail to comprehend whats been prepared and is coming is a war of EXTERMINATION, so imprisoning is just a matter of collecting fools hoping to be treated nicely by being passive.

Those in power dont need you alive, youre a threat to them as long as you live, a malignant minority needs to even its odds of survival by killing off potential enemy fighters.

Any army of men which plans to not take casualties for its cause will lose to one which holds their cause worthy of individual sacrifice.
No other way works.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 49855705
United States
04/09/2014 07:47 AM
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Re: The most important thing a survivalist needs to carry if SHTF?
[youtube] [link to youtu.be]



So he hid it in the one place he knew he could hide somethin'. His ass. Five long years, he wore this watch up his ass. Then when he died of dysentery, he gave me the watch. I hid with uncomfortable hunk of metal up my ass for two years. Then, after seven years, I was sent to my family. And now, little man, I give the watch to you
Achtung Panzer
User ID: 45466926
United States
04/09/2014 08:08 AM
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Re: The most important thing a survivalist needs to carry if SHTF?
I'll go down in a blaze of glory before I shove a cell phone up my rectum.
Rectum hell, dam near killed him!
yikes
User ID: 17119454
United States
04/09/2014 08:08 AM
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Re: The most important thing a survivalist needs to carry if SHTF?
What else? If the cellphone system is still operating, a small pre-paid cellphone might also be a good idea. Everything needs to be wrapped into a condom, of course.

 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 55703922




a cellphone up the butt? alone





Part of Freedom is Not having to hide things in your butt.




PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT:
Hiding things up your butt is a horrible idea. They search butts even on the county level. Remain well ahead of capture.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 56570480
United States
04/09/2014 08:48 AM
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Re: The most important thing a survivalist needs to carry if SHTF?
The Bible.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 56570480
United States
04/09/2014 08:51 AM
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Re: The most important thing a survivalist needs to carry if SHTF?
ohyeah
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 29818438
United States
04/09/2014 08:53 AM
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Re: The most important thing a survivalist needs to carry if SHTF?
You need to join the people doing this kind of thing

[link to www.flickr.com (secure)]
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 2226485
United States
04/11/2014 11:53 AM
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Re: The most important thing a survivalist needs to carry if SHTF?
wits





GLP