That reads like it came from the "Weekly World News".

“It was beautiful. I didn’t have a warrant, but I was pretty sure I heard a young woman inside the house begging for her life, so I immediately entered the residence, which smelt like old pizza boxes and dirty socks which I can only assume were being used as some sort of Pagonistic Ritual. I saw the two suspects in my scopes, on their Facebooks, socializing with their loser junkie friends, probably talking about how many pounds of reefer they’re gonna inject that day, and then bam! I grabbed those junkies throats and told them they were going to pound town. Two more marijuana addicts off the street."