Godlike Productions - Discussion Forum
Users Online Now: 1,939 (Who's On?)Visitors Today: 353,332
Pageviews Today: 557,099Threads Today: 190Posts Today: 2,743
07:00 AM


Rate this Thread

Absolute BS Crap Reasonable Nice Amazing
 

Adult kids--New Fiancé--Advice Please!!!!

 
wk
Offer Upgrade

User ID: 12851403
United States
12/01/2014 11:42 AM
Report Abusive Post
Report Copyright Violation
Adult kids--New Fiancé--Advice Please!!!!
OK, Long story short--I have trusted way too easy in the past. Came from really, really abuse home; but made really good decisions except for husbands. Yet, I stuck things out and put all my love and energy into my three totally awesome, educated and successful kids.

1st husband (kids father) He Ran away after too much wine, women and song (on his part) and we never saw him again.

2nd husband (after 4 years of being a single mom) physically beat and abused me and then suddenly died of heart attack.

3rd husband: Pain in the but--silent treatments for weeks on end, off and on relationship--after 20 years, just when I was going to divorce him--found he had dementia-postponed divorce to make sure he was on disability and now he is so bad that I put him in a care center and I am ready to proceed with life.

Met a nice guy (met him because he was helping me with my grandkids across a flooded creek).
He has home, retirement, seems kind. Not perfect, but an all over good guy and is willing to share and wants me very much.

My kids are appalled and with my history, I am ashamed to even admit that I am involved with another guy. Yet, this could be opportunity for a good life with me.

We are both 60 and he does not want long engagement; he is ready to have me move in with him (my house is falling apart).

My kids are really struggling with this because it is moving quickly: please, someone--am I wrong to trust again?

Who do I listen to--my kids or him?

Should I remain single for the rest of my life in order to preserve my relationship with my kids?
I am so depressed because I obviously cannot trust myself with making good relationship decisions; yet, this could be the real deal.

Suggestions anyone. (He wants to be engaged.)

Last Edited by wk on 12/01/2014 11:47 AM
violet
Tell Me Lies

User ID: 65606073
United States
12/01/2014 11:47 AM
Report Abusive Post
Report Copyright Violation
Re: Adult kids--New Fiancé--Advice Please!!!!
Bless you, you have had it rough.

How long you've been with your current partner?
wk  (OP)

User ID: 12851403
United States
12/01/2014 11:48 AM
Report Abusive Post
Report Copyright Violation
Re: Adult kids--New Fiancé--Advice Please!!!!
Ahh come on, one star bandit.
I really really would like to hear what others have to say.
Give me a break. This is important to me!!!
violet
Tell Me Lies

User ID: 65606073
United States
12/01/2014 11:48 AM
Report Abusive Post
Report Copyright Violation
Re: Adult kids--New Fiancé--Advice Please!!!!
If the love is real he can wait for you to be ready...
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 57906682
United States
12/01/2014 11:49 AM
Report Abusive Post
Report Copyright Violation
Re: Adult kids--New Fiancé--Advice Please!!!!
Stop dating people with Narcissistic personality disorder.

Google the term, learn about it, don't be co-dependent.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 65662084
Canada
12/01/2014 11:49 AM
Report Abusive Post
Report Copyright Violation
Re: Adult kids--New Fiancé--Advice Please!!!!
Is it true that the poison in your avatar is the black widow's method of choice?
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 55877952
United States
12/01/2014 11:49 AM
Report Abusive Post
Report Copyright Violation
Re: Adult kids--New Fiancé--Advice Please!!!!
How old are your children?
wk  (OP)

User ID: 12851403
United States
12/01/2014 11:50 AM
Report Abusive Post
Report Copyright Violation
Re: Adult kids--New Fiancé--Advice Please!!!!
Bless you, you have had it rough.

How long you've been with your current partner?
 Quoting: Tell Me Lies


Only about 5 months. I know that is not long. He is ready to move forward. I hesitate mainly because my kids are so shocked. Yet, we are older and his life is in order--he has the house and money set aside. Those things are in order so it seems like there is a little less to worry about.
violet
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 65372415
France
12/01/2014 11:52 AM
Report Abusive Post
Report Copyright Violation
Re: Adult kids--New Fiancé--Advice Please!!!!
Disregard your kids, it is NOT their life or their place to tell you how to live it and anyway c'mon- at this point you're not exactly defending a perfect track record anyway are you?
Not trying to be a shithead here but really...
wk  (OP)

User ID: 12851403
United States
12/01/2014 11:52 AM
Report Abusive Post
Report Copyright Violation
Re: Adult kids--New Fiancé--Advice Please!!!!
How old are your children?
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 55877952


My kids are 40, 38, and 34. Two sons and a daughter.
Doctor, Award winning author and teacher.
violet
wk  (OP)

User ID: 12851403
United States
12/01/2014 11:55 AM
Report Abusive Post
Report Copyright Violation
Re: Adult kids--New Fiancé--Advice Please!!!!
Is it true that the poison in your avatar is the black widow's method of choice?
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 65662084


Gosh, I hope not! Looks like I need to change my avatar. I simply liked the picture!

No, the ironic part is that all three husbands said I was a fantastic wife. It was like I fell for people who used me; but, they realized how hard I did try to make it work. I was certainly never perfect, but, I can honestly say that I gave it my all and that I was not a nag or a bad woman. I was trustworthy in love and with the money, etc.
violet
nahkers

User ID: 59907859
United States
12/01/2014 12:09 PM
Report Abusive Post
Report Copyright Violation
Re: Adult kids--New Fiancé--Advice Please!!!!
Would you want to be dumped on strangers one day and divorced when you are unable to take care of yourself, even if you don't realize it?
When you find a piece of shit along side the road and you poke it with a stick, what do you expect to find inside of it, gold?
No, it's just going to stink more.
wk  (OP)

User ID: 12851403
United States
12/01/2014 12:32 PM
Report Abusive Post
Report Copyright Violation
Re: Adult kids--New Fiancé--Advice Please!!!!
Would you want to be dumped on strangers one day and divorced when you are unable to take care of yourself, even if you don't realize it?
 Quoting: nahkers


If you are referring to the 3rd husband, I assure you that I have treated him with dignity. The doctor has said that it is time for him to live safely in a home since I have to work during the day.

After I had taken care of him, I continued with the divorce--so I have cared for him for three years even though I have not been married to him.

His family has not had anything to do with him. I have him in a wonderful place. I am the only one who visits him. I have done my best to care for a man who was cruel to me in many ways. I have been able to forgive him and move on, but I will not live my life for him. He is well and taken care of.
violet
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 65653188
United States
12/01/2014 12:34 PM
Report Abusive Post
Report Copyright Violation
Re: Adult kids--New Fiancé--Advice Please!!!!
It's your life to live, not your childrens.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 23764026
United States
12/01/2014 12:37 PM
Report Abusive Post
Report Copyright Violation
Re: Adult kids--New Fiancé--Advice Please!!!!
How old are your children?
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 55877952


My kids are 40, 38, and 34. Two sons and a daughter.
Doctor, Award winning author and teacher.
 Quoting: wk


Your kids are adults... You're an adult...

At this point, what you do with your time is your business.

Did you tell them who they could or couldn't marry?
wk  (OP)

User ID: 12851403
United States
12/01/2014 12:40 PM
Report Abusive Post
Report Copyright Violation
Re: Adult kids--New Fiancé--Advice Please!!!!
How old are your children?
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 55877952


My kids are 40, 38, and 34. Two sons and a daughter.
Doctor, Award winning author and teacher.
 Quoting: wk


Your kids are adults... You're an adult...

At this point, what you do with your time is your business.

Did you tell them who they could or couldn't marry?
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 23764026


No, I was very supportive. I still am. I think that I am very concerned because I have such a bad track record when it comes to picking suitable men.

I accept that no one will be perfect; but, I don't seem to have a good sense of what is acceptance in a normal relationship and what is too much compromise.
violet
anonanon
User ID: 36715343
United States
12/01/2014 12:41 PM
Report Abusive Post
Report Copyright Violation
Re: Adult kids--New Fiancé--Advice Please!!!!
Just go live with him.

Delay any marriage until you see what he is really like behind closed doors.

Also, borrow a few hundred from your kids....who seem to have objections....and hire a detective to check him out....past history, financials etc.

Show it to them.

No need to rush into another marriage and in this day and age, no one will think twice about the two of you living together at his house.

If all goes well, after a year or so you can always get married.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 23764026
United States
12/01/2014 12:42 PM
Report Abusive Post
Report Copyright Violation
Re: Adult kids--New Fiancé--Advice Please!!!!
How old are your children?
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 55877952


My kids are 40, 38, and 34. Two sons and a daughter.
Doctor, Award winning author and teacher.
 Quoting: wk


Your kids are adults... You're an adult...

At this point, what you do with your time is your business.

Did you tell them who they could or couldn't marry?
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 23764026


No, I was very supportive. I still am. I think that I am very concerned because I have such a bad track record when it comes to picking suitable men.

I accept that no one will be perfect; but, I don't seem to have a good sense of what is acceptance in a normal relationship and what is too much compromise.
 Quoting: wk


Well hey, just don't move to fast then. No need to get married if you're nervous about it.

Figure out what you want, and why you want it. Then see if the fella meets those expectations. Do things on your terms, not his, or your children's.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 65663599
France
12/01/2014 12:43 PM
Report Abusive Post
Report Copyright Violation
Re: Adult kids--New Fiancé--Advice Please!!!!
Bless you, you have had it rough.

How long you've been with your current partner?
 Quoting: Tell Me Lies


Only about 5 months. I know that is not long. He is ready to move forward. I hesitate mainly because my kids are so shocked. Yet, we are older and his life is in order--he has the house and money set aside. Those things are in order so it seems like there is a little less to worry about.
 Quoting: wk


5 months is long enough to get the measure of someone.

I moved in with my husband after 3 days. 20 years and 3 kids later we're still here.

Get your kids and partner together and hash it out. If he loves you he'll do it and your kids should be willing too. If not they're being unreasonable and it's more about them than it is about what's best for you.

That said if you're not ready to move in with him and need more time then wait until you're sure. Like I said, if he loves you it won't be a problem.
wk  (OP)

User ID: 12851403
United States
12/01/2014 12:43 PM
Report Abusive Post
Report Copyright Violation
Re: Adult kids--New Fiancé--Advice Please!!!!
Stop dating people with Narcissistic personality disorder.

Google the term, learn about it, don't be co-dependent.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 57906682


Why do you think that I might be dating people with narcissistic personality disorder. I am interested. I read a couple of sites. How can I tell the difference between normal and narcissistic?

I am interested in why this occurred to you. It might be true.
violet
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 56086945
United States
12/01/2014 12:44 PM
Report Abusive Post
Report Copyright Violation
Re: Adult kids--New Fiancé--Advice Please!!!!
OP, since you've said yourself that you cannot trust yourself (yet) in making good relationship decisions... I suggest taking your time with this one.

If he is as truly wonderful for you as he seems, then time will only strengthen your relationship.

I am your age, with three grown sons. And as much as I do not like taking their suggestions and advice, I have to admit that when they all three adamantly agree on something about me, it's usually right for me.

So in your case, I suggest taking how your grown kids feel into consideration, before making your final choice. You say that your kids are struggling with this because it's moving too fast.

Taking it a bit more slowly for awhile until you know what you want to do.. can help you as well as your grown kids.

.
wk  (OP)

User ID: 12851403
United States
12/01/2014 12:47 PM
Report Abusive Post
Report Copyright Violation
Re: Adult kids--New Fiancé--Advice Please!!!!
I want to thank all of you for all your kind and thoughtful replies. Each and every one of you--thank you. I am reading everything and considering it all. I appreciate it. What a wonderful and thoughtful group of people!!!!!

blwkssblwkssblwkss
violet
Tell Me Lies

User ID: 65606073
United States
12/01/2014 12:47 PM
Report Abusive Post
Report Copyright Violation
Re: Adult kids--New Fiancé--Advice Please!!!!
Just go live with him.

Delay any marriage until you see what he is really like behind closed doors.

Also, borrow a few hundred from your kids....who seem to have objections....and hire a detective to check him out....past history, financials etc.

Show it to them.

No need to rush into another marriage and in this day and age, no one will think twice about the two of you living together at his house.

If all goes well, after a year or so you can always get married.
 Quoting: anonanon 36715343


Best advice yet.
Mickeyblue
User ID: 9806228
United States
12/01/2014 12:54 PM
Report Abusive Post
Report Copyright Violation
Re: Adult kids--New Fiancé--Advice Please!!!!
OK, Long story short--I have trusted way too easy in the past. Came from really, really abuse home; but made really good decisions except for husbands. Yet, I stuck things out and put all my love and energy into my three totally awesome, educated and successful kids.

1st husband (kids father) He Ran away after too much wine, women and song (on his part) and we never saw him again.

2nd husband (after 4 years of being a single mom) physically beat and abused me and then suddenly died of heart attack.

3rd husband: Pain in the but--silent treatments for weeks on end, off and on relationship--after 20 years, just when I was going to divorce him--found he had dementia-postponed divorce to make sure he was on disability and now he is so bad that I put him in a care center and I am ready to proceed with life.

Met a nice guy (met him because he was helping me with my grandkids across a flooded creek).
He has home, retirement, seems kind. Not perfect, but an all over good guy and is willing to share and wants me very much.

My kids are appalled and with my history, I am ashamed to even admit that I am involved with another guy. Yet, this could be opportunity for a good life with me.

We are both 60 and he does not want long engagement; he is ready to have me move in with him (my house is falling apart).

My kids are really struggling with this because it is moving quickly: please, someone--am I wrong to trust again?

Who do I listen to--my kids or him?

Should I remain single for the rest of my life in order to preserve my relationship with my kids?
I am so depressed because I obviously cannot trust myself with making good relationship decisions; yet, this could be the real deal.

Suggestions anyone. (He wants to be engaged.)
 Quoting: wk


Regardless of anything else, children have their own agenda with respect to parents sharing their life with a new partner and often spend the rest of the time sabotaging the relationship. If you make this choice for this new life, make it a full commitment and stand by your man. This is not stating whatever abusive things might occur. his deals solely with asserting you have a new, independent life and your children should have theirs as well. That is NOT cutting them out of your life, it is saying you and he should have your own choices to make to support this new road. Blessing, do not enter into this with fear, but love.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 59431858
United States
12/01/2014 01:17 PM
Report Abusive Post
Report Copyright Violation
Re: Adult kids--New Fiancé--Advice Please!!!!
some people never learn...did you know that the definition of the word insanity is very simple. Its doing the same things over and over again, the same course of actions, and honestly expecting a different result.
nahkers

User ID: 59907859
United States
12/01/2014 01:26 PM
Report Abusive Post
Report Copyright Violation
Re: Adult kids--New Fiancé--Advice Please!!!!
Would you want to be dumped on strangers one day and divorced when you are unable to take care of yourself, even if you don't realize it?
 Quoting: nahkers


If you are referring to the 3rd husband, I assure you that I have treated him with dignity. The doctor has said that it is time for him to live safely in a home since I have to work during the day.

After I had taken care of him, I continued with the divorce--so I have cared for him for three years even though I have not been married to him.

His family has not had anything to do with him. I have him in a wonderful place. I am the only one who visits him. I have done my best to care for a man who was cruel to me in many ways. I have been able to forgive him and move on, but I will not live my life for him. He is well and taken care of.
 Quoting: wk


I didn't know you already divorced him. Will you still visit him? That's nice you don't hold grudges.

Why would your kids care at this point in your life? Just worried you might end up not so lucky again? You've been through a lot already, experienced enough to know by now.
When you find a piece of shit along side the road and you poke it with a stick, what do you expect to find inside of it, gold?
No, it's just going to stink more.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 49575588
United States
12/01/2014 01:26 PM
Report Abusive Post
Report Copyright Violation
Re: Adult kids--New Fiancé--Advice Please!!!!
Bless you, you have had it rough.

How long you've been with your current partner?
 Quoting: Tell Me Lies


Only about 5 months. I know that is not long. He is ready to move forward. I hesitate mainly because my kids are so shocked. Yet, we are older and his life is in order--he has the house and money set aside. Those things are in order so it seems like there is a little less to worry about.
 Quoting: wk


No offense, but based on your history it sounds like you have very poor judgement when it comes to relationships. Rushing into something with this new guy kinda raises the judgement question again. And you mentioned his house, retirement, that kind of stuff a lot more in your comments than you talked about your feelings for him......so the question would be are you entering the relationship for love or for security/convenience?
nahkers

User ID: 59907859
United States
12/01/2014 01:29 PM
Report Abusive Post
Report Copyright Violation
Re: Adult kids--New Fiancé--Advice Please!!!!
Stop dating people with Narcissistic personality disorder.

Google the term, learn about it, don't be co-dependent.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 57906682


Why do you think that I might be dating people with narcissistic personality disorder. I am interested. I read a couple of sites. How can I tell the difference between normal and narcissistic?

I am interested in why this occurred to you. It might be true.
 Quoting: wk


Tell tale signs are decorating the house with strong or vicious animals, like paintings or statues. Pictures of just himself.
When you find a piece of shit along side the road and you poke it with a stick, what do you expect to find inside of it, gold?
No, it's just going to stink more.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 65662084
Canada
12/01/2014 01:34 PM
Report Abusive Post
Report Copyright Violation
Re: Adult kids--New Fiancé--Advice Please!!!!
some people never learn...did you know that the definition of the word insanity is very simple. Its doing the same things over and over again, the same course of actions, and honestly expecting a different result.
 Quoting: blind deaf and dumb


I'm always surprised that people say this over and over again expecting someone to give a shit.
wk  (OP)

User ID: 12851403
United States
12/01/2014 02:53 PM
Report Abusive Post
Report Copyright Violation
Re: Adult kids--New Fiancé--Advice Please!!!!
some people never learn...did you know that the definition of the word insanity is very simple. Its doing the same things over and over again, the same course of actions, and honestly expecting a different result.
 Quoting: blind deaf and dumb


I'm always surprised that people say this over and over again expecting someone to give a shit.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 65662084


I am trying to do something different this time. This is why I have struggled so much. I want to do the right thing this time around.
violet
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 65447902
United States
12/01/2014 02:56 PM
Report Abusive Post
Report Copyright Violation
Re: Adult kids--New Fiancé--Advice Please!!!!
It's time for you to just be alone for a while.





GLP