POLL: Wife asks me tonight, "What if Christmas 'thank you' cards really said what we thought?"

To me, it more indicates that the gift giver didn't take the time to choose a gift that would, with the same amount of money, indicate thought and caring for the recipient. But not everyone has the time and/or EMOTIONAL WHEREWITHAL to do that. Some people are just too busy or shut off or whatever. Or men.

I have simple rules for gifts I receive that I don't like that show a tremendous amount of thoughtlessness:

First, from people I do care about, I give a very convincing "Thank you so much". (My mother always gives me an expensive home decor item from a designer I don't like even though I am in my 60's and have my home well established. I figure that she just thinks that since she likes that designer, I must, also.)

Second, from people I don't care about, I don't acknowledge the gift at all, unless prodded; and I return the equivalent to their gift to them the next year. (I hope that maybe if they think I am ungrateful, which I am, or hate the gifts I give them, also, then they will stop their gifting to me.)

Third, I either re-gift the ones I don't like to either someone I think will honestly like them, or give them to someone I don't like (see above), or save them for a garage sale.

However, all that being said, one of the nicest experiences I had with re-gifting was when a young friend of ours brought an often homeless friend of hers with her to our Christmax dinner, after checking to be sure it was all right with us. After dinner, when I presented the gift-wrapped sports tote bag to him (something I had received but could not use), his eyes absolutely lit up, and he exclaimed, "This is the best thing I could ever get! Thank you so much!" He was absolutely delighted, so . . . you never know.

Dirty Santa is when everyone brings a single gift, places it in a pile, and draws a number. No.1 goes first and unwraps a present. No.2 can choose to take the present from no.1 or unwrap a different present.

Each person can then choose to unwrap or steal from a previous unwrapped according to the order of the number that they drew.

Some presents are really hot and get stolen several times. I brought a bird feeder and 25 lbs of seed that was the first thing stolen. We made a deal that the third time an item was nicked, it was considered dead and no longer able to be stolen.

At the end of the game, No.1 then can choose to keep their present or trade with anyone else of their choice since they didn't get the opportunity to switch out at the beginning.

It works really well when played like it's supposed to. And it keeps people from spending a lot of money on gifts for people they see once a year.

Last Edited by TheBiss on 12/30/2014 10:24 AM

This is a SUPER idea, and I've encountered this before. It always gets a LOT of laughs, and it is a great way to get a holiday party started!!

(But I think it would be best if the people above are aware of the people who will be attending to avoid possible hurt feelings if a gift from one of the attendees showed up!!)

For shame op. For shame

Here we go again - accusing people of motives that are not reality in nearly all the cases. It's always easier to blame the gift giver than to examine what lays in our own heart. It's always easier to blame the gift giver of putting "no thought or emotional wherewithal" into their gift than to be honest with ourselves, or to admit our own ungratefulness. Always.
I asked for a soft fuzzy robe this year. And I got one, the brightest purple ever. Not my cup of tea, but I wear it regardless because I was THANKFUL FOR THE GIFT AND IN ACKNOWLEDGEMENT OF THE ONE WHO BOUGHT IT FOR ME.

I think every last person using the accusation "no thought or emotional wherewithal" need to change tacts - be honest, tell them all exactly what you want, give them the exact model, color and style - then they alone are happy.

It gets even better... Last year for my birthday, I received a BBQ cookbook from them. The SAME book I had given them as a Christmas gift two years prior. Not another copy, but the same book.

Ahh... The dysfunction. At least we regift outside of the family.

With all due respect, I'm wondering if you're a bit of a control freak. And your name does indicate a tendency, perhaps, to see the world as better than it is.

No offense.

I am very glad you were so happy with your robe, but as the OP posted above, in SOME cases, there truly IS no thought or caring about the gift recipient. Two examples from my own experience:

1. Getting the exact same electric knife three holidays apart from my sister-in-law. (Probably saw them on sale and stocked up.)

2. Getting a two dollar bottle of wine from a very affluent, although casual, friend who knows that my husband and I know and appreciate good wine. (And, no, this was NOT a joke; she meant this to be a serious gift.)

(Btw, we have since agreed to just not exchange gifts at all, giving the excuse that we would rather spend the money on our IMMEDIATE families.)

Humility. Learn some.

It's good to see someone recognizes the thoughtlessness aspect.

On your second item, I'd watch your karma, if you end up returning "commensurate" gifts. Good for bad is always better for YOU.

Regifting is wonderful!

I can't help but think that homeless person may have just have been a super-gracious receiver, but you never know. He may have been just as delighted as he seemed!

That sounds like a recipe for disaster. Fun until it isn't, you know what I mean? Some could make it work, no doubt, but I don't think our family would be one of those, lol.

It's an anonymous rant. It's being honest with US. What is the problem?

I think it's healthy to be honest with yourself. Less cancer that way.

THAT is an excellent idea, and exactly why we do just that in our family.

It's hard to find fault with a BBQ cookbook. Maybe you'll get something out of it this year, you never know!

I don't think people should be held responsible for their regifting gaffes. We can't really keep track after that much time, truth be told.

Why would one take offense to that? I guess it never occurred to me a positive outlook could be a bad thing.

I think I'm a weirdo on the the control thing. Sometimes that's very much true but surprisingly at other times not an issue at all. Guess it just depends on the issue...

But seriously OP is just asking for misery here. Why spend Christmas at all with these people if it is truly that dysfunctional?

What kind of American sickness we have - where the moat joyous day of the year (whatever) turns into the number one reason behind all the family discord.

I think God hates Christmas - i really do.

The electric knife wouldn't be so bad, as it did involve some money, and would be terrific to regift. If people are giving you those things over and over, you're probably not expecting much in the way of thoughtful gifts.

The two-dollar bottle of wine was just weird. I wonder what you gave them, just out of curiousity. You obviously don't have to share that. Casual friends don't usually exchange gifts.

On a different note, some people give gifts based on what they observe that you like, and that can be good or superfluous (sp?), but shows a good effort.

It must be difficult when you have a large family, and you are trying to buy for an array of nieces, nephews, grandchildren, etc. We keep it to immediate family, although given a large, large, large amount of money, I would enjoy giving to all. That would be fun!

I don't disagree in the least bit, and my wife and I have asked ourselves this question on occasion. I think that the purchasing and receiving of gifts in today's postmodern America, influenced by mass marketing and media and the ubiquity of the Santa myth, have taken something that was a nice way to celebrate friends and family near the shortest day of the year, and turned it into a money making juggernaut.

Stores open on Thanksgiving? Black Friday? Cyber Monday? I hate it. One year about a decade ago, I boycotted Christmas. Do you know that to this day, family members still say, "Glad to see you could MAKE IT this year."

And so we go, out of familial obligation. I thought this year would be different. One gift in. One gift out.

Nope.

A thoughtful answer. I think God pays attention, in all situations, to the INTENT. The Dad in this situation probably meant well, so good karma for that.

The recipient seriously felt a little snubbed by an effort that didn't seem to reflect the closeness of their relationship. God recognized that, and understood.

We let our egos get in the way, but our hearts see and recognize the good, at a foundational level. But that doesn't mean we deny the hurt we feel at not having our preferences honored to a degree that we are comfortable with. Not recognizing that to yourself, if that's the way you feel, is not healthy, imo.

I figured out a wonderful way to sidestep these issues this year, and that was by creating easy-to-make, VERY inexpensive photo albums online, and sending those. This will be my go-to in the future. You can include pictures of the recipients, of course, and grandchildren or others that they love, and it's a gift that keeps on giving.

I won't name any names where I do that, lest it sound like a commercial, lol.

You should take back control, and make it what YOU want, for you and your family. That's what we did, and Christmas is what it should be, the most joyous time of the year! I know that's easier said than done, though. Best wishes with that!

To be honest, our Christmas does have its snags. But we grow through working through these situations. It sounds like your Dad made quite a concerted effort to send a lot, so maybe just a little gentle hinting could turn the negative aspects around.

This problem with giving "gifts" at this time of year (or any other time):

1. "Gifts" are EXPECTED, to be given AND received. Especially if you "give" one, one is expected to be received in return (payment FOR "giving" one)- of equal or greater value. So, is it a game of who can out do the other and look better? Guilt? Is it greed - what will I get this year that I WANT?

It usually works out like this, for the most part, I spend $20.00 on a gift for someone (not necessarily what they want or truly NEED, because I haven't spent that much time with them, or getting to know them, or really care that much about them, to actually KNOW the above, or I don't really have the money to spend on a "gift",etc. etc.)

Then they do the same and spend the same $20.00 on a "gift" that I do not need and it is not what I would have purchased for myself. SO, why don't each each just spend that $20.00 on themselves, getting what they truly need or want, saving the hassle and all the garbage about "thoughtlessness","they are cheap", time spent on buying something for the sake of giving a "gift", etc. They both would have saved each other all of the above and now have what they want or need.

2. Not all people are on the same financial ground and cannot spend a lot on "gifts", so they do the best they can with the limited amount of money that they have (and really don't need to spend it on "gifts"). Others like to give the big things for show and then take a condescending attitude when they receive a lesser "gift" from those who are not as financially well off as they are.

3. If you are expecting a "gift" why tell each other what you WANT as a "gift"? A "gift" is something that someone gives you with NO expectations of something being given to them in return. Why not give to those that you know need something, find out WHAT they need or want (they may not have the money to purchase such things).

Gifts do not have to be purchased- time, care, love, etc. What would say more, a $20.00/cheap gift that is purchased because I am EXPECTED to "give" one, even if I can't afford it and can't get the one that I would want to give so I have to settle for this cheap thing - or I don't really care about you/know you/spend time with you and am doing this because it is, again, expected of me?

OR, would you appreciate them spending time with you, getting to know you,doing things with you because they want and care about you, being a true friend or a beloved family member?

If you don't really want or care about people and you don't want them in your lives because they are users, abusers, cons, selfish, greedy, or, because they are of no use to YOU for whatever reason, and have no desire for them to be a part of your life, and you have no time for them, then why do you bother getting them a "gift", it means nothing. Spend that money on yourself and get what you really want, they can do the same.

4. Kids are being taught that this time of year is for them to get all they WANT and it is expected to be given to them or it will "spoil" their "christmas". That it is cruel and sad that they do not get even a cheap "gift" at this time of year. Kids don't need all that useless stuff, they need the love and care of family and friends, memories that don't cost anything.

5. For those that "celebrate" the religious aspect of the season - It was the people that gave gifts to Yeshua. They didn't give "gifts" to each other in "celebration" of His birth. Example: When it is someone's birthday (not saying Dec. 25th is His), do you give and expect "gifts" from everyone else at the "party",telling them what you WANT from them, while ignoring the actual person who has the birthday?

"Gift" giving the way it is done now is just selfish and greedy. We do not celebrate "christmas" as it is, and has become anymore for these reasons. We value the people in our lives more than that. And, if we see throughout the year that they NEED anything, or desire something that they would never purchase for themselves because of financial or other reasons, we would either get it for them, or help them in getting it.

But most of all we desire and give the gift of valuing them, spending time with them, being there for them. And no, nothing is expected in return - it is a true gift.This after many years of doing it the way it is done now and seeing the uselessness of it.

If you want to "celebrate" the season with how it is done now and are fine with that, then put on a smile and don't complain with what you get or that your expectations were not met(did you meet theirs, or care to?). Is it about the person (you or the other), the gift (given or received) or neither?

I said "casual friend" to keep it simple, but this was actually my husband's co-worker and his wife. We socialize with them about six times a year. (Btw, both he and my husband earn a six-figure income.)

To answer your question, we have always given a CUSTOM gift basket with at least one bottle of GOOD wine and assorted cheeses to them, and they always reciprocated with one or two bottles of wine and a few homemade goodies (which we very much appreciate). In return, we have always given them AT LEAST one bottle of fairly expensive wine. (We are all people who enjoy good food and fine.)

However, even after the cheap wine "insult", we still continued to socialize and be friendly, as though nothing untoward had happened -- and we still gave them a good bottle of wine this year, despite the "insult", as to which I have absolutely no explanation. The only thing I can imagine is that the bottle they gave us was a re-gift, and they had no idea it was so cheap. (Btw, this year, they did give us a nice bottle of wine -- so who knows?)

Hearing all that I would totally chalk that up to error. Don't let it get ya down - doesn't sound like they were meaning to give you swill. I can come up with 10 scenarios in 2 minutes that all end up with them meaning well.

I don't even know where you buy a $2 bottle of wine. The cheapest I've EVER seen is 5 buck chuck at Trader Joe's and unless you notice the price tag it's not necessarily bad - some are downright great. I've also had some $30 bottles that are truly awful.

I'm definitely prefer Spanish reds and Australian whites to any French though so maybe I have bad taste ;)

Ahhh, so he's a healthy douche bag.