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Working on some jokes for amateur stand up night! Need feedback.

 
Roy
User ID: 51256384
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05/03/2015 12:23 AM
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Working on some jokes for amateur stand up night! Need feedback.
Hey everyone. I'm doing some amateur stand up soon here and working on some material. Can you give me some feedback? I want to avoid anything too cliche or played out. Here's some material I'm working on...

One time I had to pee really bad and I just peed in my hands and held it. My teacher asked "what's in your hands?" so I told her "a little leprechaun!" She didn't believe me and told me to open my hands. I did and the pee went everywhere so I went "oh no! You killed him!"

Once there was a store haunted by a ghost named Bloody Fingers. A man went into the back of the store and the ghost went "I'm the ghost of Bloody Fingers!!" and the man ran out screaming. Then a woman went back there and the ghost went "I'm the ghost of Bloody Fingers!!" and she ran out screaming. Finally a little baby went back there and the ghost went "I'm the ghost of Bloody Fingers!!" but the baby just screamed "give me some milk!!!" and the ghost went "ok. I'll get you some".

One day I was driving with a bunch of pies in the passenger seat and got pulled over. When the cop asked why I had so many pies I turned and told him "Are you sure you don't want to know about the custard in the trunk?"

Two ice cream men are talking and the one says "I have ice cream bars and Popsicles and ice cream sandwiches" the other says "I have a hernia but at least I'm insured!"

What do you get when you cross Roman Polanski with a snow leopard? A typical night in Eugene, Oregon.

Why was the snow man green? Because the other snowman sneezed on him and covered him in boogers.

What's the best game to put in a Nintendo Entertainment System? A jacket.
Dace
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05/03/2015 12:31 AM

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Re: Working on some jokes for amateur stand up night! Need feedback.

[link to www.youtube.com (secure)]
jay
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05/03/2015 12:33 AM
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Re: Working on some jokes for amateur stand up night! Need feedback.
As a fellow stand-up, i have to tell you that your material needs some serious work. I hope those aren't your opening or closing jokes. Maybe they would be funnier if I heard your delivery?
Anonymous Coward
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05/03/2015 12:35 AM
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Re: Working on some jokes for amateur stand up night! Need feedback.
Leprechaun - pretty funny
Bloody Fingers - very funny
Pies- nope
Ice cream- no but has ptoential
Polanski- has potential needs work
Snowman - yes
Nintendo - nope
Anonymous Coward
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05/03/2015 12:36 AM
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Re: Working on some jokes for amateur stand up night! Need feedback.
I was in washington last week. Dc in fact , im sure alot of you are aware they decriminalized marijuana......yea i know i was pretty happy to. I even got to meet reggie love who was visiting bathhouse barry and he said to me " Hey , now theres two things in DC barry likes to put in his mouth..."

I said oh yea? Whats that? And he said " marijuana of course and.....ME ! "


*and the crowd goes wild*
Anonymous Coward
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05/03/2015 12:37 AM
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Re: Working on some jokes for amateur stand up night! Need feedback.
Dace
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05/03/2015 12:40 AM

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Re: Working on some jokes for amateur stand up night! Need feedback.
Just open with :

..."So, backstage I was just dipping my balls in A1 steak sauce....."
Anonymous Coward
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05/03/2015 12:46 AM
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Re: Working on some jokes for amateur stand up night! Need feedback.
can someone explain the bloody fingers one to me ? i ride the short bus.
Anonymous Coward
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05/03/2015 01:00 AM
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Re: Working on some jokes for amateur stand up night! Need feedback.
Could be funny -- if you understand that these jokes aren't funny.

I suggest that between each joke you give the crowd a chorus of "Bounce your Boobies" :

[link to www.youtube.com (secure)]
Anonymous Coward
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05/03/2015 01:20 AM
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Re: Working on some jokes for amateur stand up night! Need feedback.
you would be a screaming success at an undertakers convention.
Anonymous Coward
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05/03/2015 01:24 AM
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Re: Working on some jokes for amateur stand up night! Need feedback.
Jeez... at least TRY to be funny.
Anonymous Coward
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05/03/2015 01:30 AM
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Re: Working on some jokes for amateur stand up night! Need feedback.
like the newlyweds Op/.
very pure, hadn't even seen each other nekkid.

virgins, the both.

she has offered him anything he wants, as long as he reciprocates.

(You will need a glass of milk, at this stage)...


He asks for the most glorious head job.


She advises in the affirmative and so, on the allocated day, she unflinchingly performs fellatio while the orchestra played on...

He climaxes, and says, "oh my darling, what can I do for you"
(this is where you take a mouthful of milk, and say "Kiss me"
Anonymous Coward
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05/03/2015 01:35 AM
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Re: Working on some jokes for amateur stand up night! Need feedback.
bloke works for the Balls, Big and Small Bearing Production factory. Owned by a J R WankeBrake.

Fellow goes in, says to the foreman, "Do you have a Wankebrake here"

Foreman looks and says, "we don't even have time for a coffee break"

And remember, the pauses are as important as the delivery.
Anonymous Coward
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05/03/2015 02:41 AM
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Re: Working on some jokes for amateur stand up night! Need feedback.
two words - day job .
Anonymous Coward
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05/03/2015 02:53 AM
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Re: Working on some jokes for amateur stand up night! Need feedback.
One time I was reading jokes at GLP. My parrot says to me, "Heywood!" I said, "Heywhat?" He replied, "Jablowme?" I pulled out my Mossberg and made it a double.
Anonymous Coward
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05/03/2015 03:02 AM
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Re: Working on some jokes for amateur stand up night! Need feedback.
A white guy a black guy and a jew enter a bar. The white guy says I'll have a burger, the black guy says I'll have some chicken and the jew says I'll have all your money.
Anonymous Coward
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05/03/2015 03:55 AM
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Re: Working on some jokes for amateur stand up night! Need feedback.
A priest and a rabbi are sitting in a park, when they observe a little boy playing nearby.

"Hey," says the priest, "see that little boy over there?"

"Yeah..." the rabbi replies, "what about him?"

"Well," the priest whispers, conspiratorially, "there's no one around... Let's fuck him!"

"Okay..." says the rabbi, "out of what?"

###

Thank you, thank you! I'll be here all week!
Anonymous Coward
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05/03/2015 05:44 PM
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Re: Working on some jokes for amateur stand up night! Need feedback.
bump
Anonymous Coward
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05/03/2015 05:47 PM
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Re: Working on some jokes for amateur stand up night! Need feedback.
There are 3 people sitting in the front of a bar. One is a thug, one guy is a banker and one guy is white. Why did the white guy leave the bar and give up on getting a drink?

The thug would take his drink and the banker would steal his money.

Ba-dum-tsh

There is variants you can do of it but I just made this up lol.
The Uncle

User ID: 61704869
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05/03/2015 06:00 PM
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Re: Working on some jokes for amateur stand up night! Need feedback.
Hey everyone. I'm doing some amateur stand up soon here and working on some material. Can you give me some feedback? I want to avoid anything too cliche or played out. Here's some material I'm working on...

One time I had to pee really bad and I just peed in my hands and held it. My teacher asked "what's in your hands?" so I told her "a little leprechaun!" She didn't believe me and told me to open my hands. I did and the pee went everywhere so I went "oh no! You killed him!"

Once there was a store haunted by a ghost named Bloody Fingers. A man went into the back of the store and the ghost went "I'm the ghost of Bloody Fingers!!" and the man ran out screaming. Then a woman went back there and the ghost went "I'm the ghost of Bloody Fingers!!" and she ran out screaming. Finally a little baby went back there and the ghost went "I'm the ghost of Bloody Fingers!!" but the baby just screamed "give me some milk!!!" and the ghost went "ok. I'll get you some".

One day I was driving with a bunch of pies in the passenger seat and got pulled over. When the cop asked why I had so many pies I turned and told him "Are you sure you don't want to know about the custard in the trunk?"

Two ice cream men are talking and the one says "I have ice cream bars and Popsicles and ice cream sandwiches" the other says "I have a hernia but at least I'm insured!"

What do you get when you cross Roman Polanski with a snow leopard? A typical night in Eugene, Oregon.

Why was the snow man green? Because the other snowman sneezed on him and covered him in boogers.

What's the best game to put in a Nintendo Entertainment System? A jacket.
 Quoting: Roy 51256384



Lame. Don't tell jokes. Interact with the audience, find the comedy that is in that moment.
Anonymous Coward
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05/03/2015 06:11 PM
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Re: Working on some jokes for amateur stand up night! Need feedback.
Very few stand up comedians just stand there and tell jokes.

One that does is Gilbert Gottfried, but he does it with a style that is very unique and all his own. So, it works...for him.

I had a friend take the stage on an open mic night at a comedy store and "just tell jokes". He kind of killed 'em, because he had really funny jokes and they were probably a little more forgiving because it was his first time up there.

So, honest feedback? Those jokes suck for the most part and unless you are the 2nd coming of Andy Kaufman and are only going for a reaction, instead of being funny, then you are going to bomb in a really bad way.
Anonymous Coward
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05/03/2015 06:13 PM
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Re: Working on some jokes for amateur stand up night! Need feedback.
how many black politicians does it take to cause a riot in baltimore?
Anonymous Coward
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05/03/2015 06:22 PM
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Re: Working on some jokes for amateur stand up night! Need feedback.
q:what did one gay sperm say to the other gay sperm?



a: How do you find an egg in all this shit?
Anonymous Coward
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Australia
05/03/2015 06:50 PM
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Re: Working on some jokes for amateur stand up night! Need feedback.
As a fellow stand-up, i have to tell you that your material needs some serious work. I hope those aren't your opening or closing jokes. Maybe they would be funnier if I heard your delivery?
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 44520284


Yep, definitely had to be there!

Did you hear about the two lepers playing poker?

One threw in his hand, the other laughed his head off
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 66257630
Australia
05/03/2015 07:49 PM
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Re: Working on some jokes for amateur stand up night! Need feedback.
Why don't blacks go on cruises?



They ain't falling for that shit again
Anonymous Coward
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05/03/2015 07:56 PM
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Re: Working on some jokes for amateur stand up night! Need feedback.
Why don't blacks go on cruises?



They ain't falling for that shit again
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 66257630


lol
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 69112754
Australia
05/03/2015 07:57 PM
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Re: Working on some jokes for amateur stand up night! Need feedback.
As a fellow stand-up, i have to tell you that your material needs some serious work. I hope those aren't your opening or closing jokes. Maybe they would be funnier if I heard your delivery?
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 44520284


Yep, definitely had to be there!

Did you hear about the two lepers playing poker?

One threw in his hand, the other laughed his head off
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 69105922


how do you make chips with a leper?


Hit him on the head with a tennis racquet.
Beetlejuice

User ID: 66102362
Netherlands
05/03/2015 07:59 PM
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Re: Working on some jokes for amateur stand up night! Need feedback.
Why don't blacks go on cruises?



They ain't falling for that shit again
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 66257630


This is funny OP.
Sell crazy someplace else, we're all stocked up here.
Anonymous Coward
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05/03/2015 08:09 PM
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Re: Working on some jokes for amateur stand up night! Need feedback.
Honestly OP, and I don't mean to hurt your feelings, but every one of those jokes was horrible. I mean cringe worthy.

You asked for feedback and the feedback would be pointless unless it was honest.

That is my honest opinion, find some new material. I hope all goes well for you.

hf
Anonymous Coward
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05/03/2015 08:11 PM
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Re: Working on some jokes for amateur stand up night! Need feedback.
A jew a muslim and Obama walk into a bar . Bar tender says......













GTFO!!!
Anonymous Coward
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05/03/2015 08:34 PM
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Re: Working on some jokes for amateur stand up night! Need feedback.
A young muslim wanted to be a sheep herder. He traveled far and wide and found a group herding sheep in the desert. He asked them if he could be there apprentice and they said yes. After a few months, the boy asked the man what they did for entertainment. So they pointed at the sheep and said "have at it. That's what we all do." So the boy went out into the heard and found an easy sheep, and started going to town.
He looked around and saw all the man laughing at him and went up and very angrily ask them why they were laughing. They said "you picked the ugliest sheep. "





GLP