The VOID

Do you watch black mirror seer?
I read some interesting stuff about their interactive episode, Bandersnatch.
[link to www.theverge.com (secure)]

I watched a few episodes of Black Mirror. They always leave me feeling out of sorts, so I haven't watched any more of them.


I'm shopping for puzzles. For 3 days all I want to do..is sit down and do a puzzle. I'm leaning this..

[link to www.amazon.com (secure)]

Or this..

[link to www.amazon.com (secure)]

Or this..although $50 for a puzzle seems a bit much..

[link to www.amazon.com (secure)]


Maybe none of those..I'm still deciding.
[link to www.amazon.com (secure)]

It is technically in the horror genre, so that makes sense.

I used to do puzzles with my mom when I was younger, but as I've gotten older my patience has dwindled greatly. Nowadays they remind me of treatment or the psych ward.

I haven't done a puzzle in a long time and the ones here I'm sure aren't complete. I'll probably settle for one soon.

I spent like 4 days doing nothing but playing Breath of the Wild and that kinda killed my desire to stare at a screen.

I've been watching the fire a lot. Gets boring. Lol.

Regardless on your thoughts of black mirror, what they did with Bandersnatch is amazing. They shot enough film for four episodes and created a new technology that gives the viewer complete control of the outcome. It's a very meta storyline which references the fact that the viewer is involved in the story and the main character realized he is being watched on netflix.

Apparently, creating it was damned near impossible. There are supposedly so many permutations of the story depending on your choices that the creators have lost track. The actors had to commit to several different versions of the same scene and the script was so complicated that they had to make software so that netflix could review it. They tried letting the actors keep track of it through flow charts but that just made it more confusing.

And the most miraculous part is they ended up doing it very well, something that has never been done before! I havent even watched that episode yet but I find it absolutely fascinating

You have certainly piqued my interest. I recall the hype when it first came out.

I missed hype, probably because I was in the eating disorder psych ward. The staff didnt even bother telling us trump was impeached. Lol.

One of my gay friends is doing my hair today. He's a hair stylist and I think he's so eager because my hair hasn't been cut or styled in probably 10 years. Cut and color, the works. And for free. But I am leaving it pretty much up to him what he wants to do. It should be interesting.

I'm just glad I'm going to have a weekend of free time after today. Not that I really know what I feel like doing. I need to quit fucking smoking cigarettes again. I was so panicked and overwhelmed at eating disorder treatment and we couldnt vape so I started again. And my throat has been killing me. Bad news bears.

There were a bunch of threads about it here. I saw reference other places as well.

Your hair sounds like my hair. Lol. I just let it grow..and trim off several inches every year. Needs to be done again. The silver hairs make me sad sometimes but then I remind myself that I earned every one.

Get some gum to quit. It helps a lot. I've almost hit the 5 year mark and don't miss it at all.

Last Edited by Seer777 on 01/10/2020 01:13 PM

I would have been fine if not for the dumb place. I had as much time as you did. Remember how we both quit at similar times? Kinda sad. But I just needed to survive that month so it is what it is.

We're working on a proposal right now to overhaul the website for a cold war museum so I spent all of yesterday researching the cultural preservation of the cold war. I got to say I'm learning a lot here. My boss is teaching me that when you're pitching business to a place, you want to really find a way to parrot them their own ideas in a manner subtle enough that they won't realize they said it first.

I remember..

What is it about smoking that made it more tolerable? Just the ability to escape outside or away?

Interesting. I know very little about the Cold War. Feel free to share any interesting information, vids, or images you find along the way.

Sounds kinda manipulative but business tends to be in some vein..

Well maybe it could be considered manipulative, but if you think about it, wouldn't you want to hire an agency that understands your mission rather than one which tries to sell you on it's own ideology?

The hospital I was at allowed only smoking, no vaping, and during the prior 4 months at BTS I was constantly vaping so the moment I got to Reasons (the place I had to go) it was like a brick wall of anxiety, and I was already panicked and crying that I had to be there and away from BTS. Not to mention, my time spent in the smoker corral talking to the other patients really created very strong bonds between us.

My mom was not happy about it but she knew it was really imperative I figured my shit out during that stay. BTS is not going to take me back if this happens again, my mom doesn't want me living with her (and I DO NOT want to live there anyway) and my insurance is basically gone. So it was really really pivotal for me to do some deep soul searching and cigarettes felt like a small price to pay. PLUS, fucking reasons ended up coercing me to start eating again by holding my smoke breaks hostage and that lit a fire under my ass.

Decided to go with this one. The girl with the wolf behind her seemed the right choice after much deliberation..

Delivered by tomorrow, sealed the deal.

May I ask what occured for you to be moved to..Reasons?

Well, after you sent your email and I was approached by half the clinical staff they basically gave me some conditions to staying at BTS. They were helpful too, I mean they gave me an extra therapist with an eating disorder specialty and she gave me a meal plan and they started weighing me. But I couldnt stop, kept losing weight and after a month they sort of insisted that I spent 30 days in eating disorder treatment. Reasons is the only place accepted by medicare so that's where I went.

Zac jones gave me his word that they would save my bed for me here and that I could pick up where I left off so I didnt have to start over at BTS as a new resident on restriction or anything. And he kept his word. I appreciate this place in a whole new way though, especially after Reasons reminded me that almost any other treatment center is only in it for the money. BTS cares about people. They never will just leave you out on your ass, they dont put a timeline on your stay, they scholarship people without a penny to their name and they help addicts that have been out of the workforce for years go back to school or find a job.

Yesterday I learned about French omelettes. And while if I attempted to eat this much butter and eggs, my gallbladder might literally explode..for my partner and his Keto diet, it perfect for.

He is currently eating his first French omelette. He says it is delicious. Better than the normal omelettes he makes. I believe him.




[link to youtu.be (secure)]

Last Edited by Seer777 on 01/10/2020 02:42 PM

...

Have you identified your reason for your addiction to starving yourself?

Very glad to hear of the support you received and continue to receive at BTS.

You self sabotage, which I think you know about yourself.

Smoking is just a manifestation of that.

My reason is safety.
I have an extensive history of sexual abuse and a starved body is androgynous and not typically as big of a target for predation.

The experience of the body as an extension of mass is persistent which is the central struggle of the eating disorders person. It is a constant, the impression of skin and its contact with space. This can be very uncomfortable because it is unavoidable and when it provokes anxiety that anxiety requires some sort of outlet. It's natural that food becomes that medium, acting as a sort of channel between the sinful feeling of the body and the salvation of the soul, to put it one way.

It's a very deeply rooted method of compartmentalizing trauma, as I see it. I think 7/8 other patients I was with had an extensive sexual trauma history too.

Of course there is the self sabotaging element, but I think that's tied up in the trauma history. If you have an underlying belief in yourself as a disgusting person because you've internalized the disgusting way you've been treated, that self destructive tendency is just an automatic expression of that belief you dont deserve to be happy

You feel it make you less attractive and in such, less of a target..

I can certainly understand that aspect. I went the baggy clothes method in high school..and carried it through most of my life. Sweatshirt hoodies..were my life all through college. I wear a lot of gray and never wear clothes that will bring unwanted attention to me. That is how I manage that aspect of the anxiety that comes with trauma.

Even dressing down and not making myself a spectacle..I have had continual problems..


What aspect were you facing at BTS where you felt like you needed to regain control over your anxiety in that manner?

I assume they very much frown on resident having any form of sexual relationships.

Which doesn't mean, they don't happen.

[link to youtu.be (secure)]

It's safe here. Sex isnt really allowed and if it happens it's certainly on the sly and wholly voluntary.

It's not that I start starving myself when I get scared of sexual abuse though. I think trauma is the underlying reason but throughout my life I think the coping mechanism has been generalized.

[link to youtu.be (secure)]

It seems to me you have been almost utilizing it as a weapon again those who try to help you.

Why do you keep doing this to yourself?

October 2016 makes it, 3 years.


Is this what you want for your life? You have so much time left to become..

Last Edited by Seer777 on 01/10/2020 03:27 PM

October 2016 to October 2019..is 3 years.

3 plus years.

This is what I really want to know..that in the face of this extra amount of help from both myself and the professionals there, who were willing and did provide said, you continued to starve yourself..

It is here, where your problem really lies.

You asked for and received extra attention, only to then continue to fight against it. You say you are running out of insurance and I don't doubt it.

After all this time you are on track to being disabled.


Are you disabled?

No, I see myself in the present as a very different person than I was in the past. Even with this recent slip up I have a community, I'm working, I have a goal of starting an eating disorder nonprofit treatment center, I see hope and a future.

Even my most recent stay in eating disorder treatment, wasnt the same as they used to be. It wasnt the program that changed, it was me. I used to find my identity in sickness and I no longer do. I'm not afraid to admit I'm happy anymore.

I mean my eating disorder has been a lifelong struggle, so it's not fair to expect that recovery was ever going to be a simple process for me. It's so deeply embedded and intertwined with my personality.

I've been federally disabled for a couple years now.
But it's not about trying to spite people. It's a mental disorder.

My cousin almost died from anorexia when she was 20. The doctor said her potassium levels were so low, he didn't know how her heart was still beating.

That was my first real experience with an eating disorder.

It was $30,000/mo for her treatment back then, and that was..15 years ago. Beautiful girl and later woman..


She recently married again, is a real estate agent making high $$$, and became a nutritionist along the way.

Having goals can be the reason to get out of bed in the morning. A lot of people have kids, that make that choice for them..

Last Edited by Seer777 on 01/10/2020 03:56 PM

I know, hon.

I just don't want you to accept yourself as disabled. Labels and such..