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REPORT ABUSIVE REPLY
Message Subject The VOID
Poster Handle Seer777
Post Content
My reason is safety.
I have an extensive history of sexual abuse and a starved body is androgynous and not typically as big of a target for predation.

The experience of the body as an extension of mass is persistent which is the central struggle of the eating disorders person. It is a constant, the impression of skin and its contact with space. This can be very uncomfortable because it is unavoidable and when it provokes anxiety that anxiety requires some sort of outlet. It's natural that food becomes that medium, acting as a sort of channel between the sinful feeling of the body and the salvation of the soul, to put it one way.

It's a very deeply rooted method of compartmentalizing trauma, as I see it. I think 7/8 other patients I was with had an extensive sexual trauma history too.

Of course there is the self sabotaging element, but I think that's tied up in the trauma history. If you have an underlying belief in yourself as a disgusting person because you've internalized the disgusting way you've been treated, that self destructive tendency is just an automatic expression of that belief you dont deserve to be happy
 Quoting: Light of my Little Left Eye


You feel it make you less attractive and in such, less of a target..

I can certainly understand that aspect. I went the baggy clothes method in high school..and carried it through most of my life. Sweatshirt hoodies..were my life all through college. I wear a lot of gray and never wear clothes that will bring unwanted attention to me. That is how I manage that aspect of the anxiety that comes with trauma.

Even dressing down and not making myself a spectacle..I have had continual problems..


What aspect were you facing at BTS where you felt like you needed to regain control over your anxiety in that manner?
 Quoting: Seer777


It's safe here. Sex isnt really allowed and if it happens it's certainly on the sly and wholly voluntary.

It's not that I start starving myself when I get scared of sexual abuse though. I think trauma is the underlying reason but throughout my life I think the coping mechanism has been generalized.
 Quoting: Light of my Little Left Eye


It seems to me you have been almost utilizing it as a weapon again those who try to help you.

Why do you keep doing this to yourself?

October 2016 makes it, 3 years.


Is this what you want for your life? You have so much time left to become..
 
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