Barack Obama just announced he had asshole surgery

Barack Obama Undergoes Asshole Surgery

Washington D.C. – Barack Obama has announced that he has undergone surgery to receive a larger asshole.

“I just felt like I had outgrown my old one,” the President told reporters. “It was holding me back. I have more antagonistic, disgusting Hollywood arrogance inside me, but I just couldn’t express it properly. With my new expanded asshole, I will finally be able to do myself justice and finish my term in Office.”

The surgery, which took only an hour, is the first of its kind, although judging from the buzz in DC, will likely not be the last. Politicians from Harry Reid, John Kerry and Nancy Pelosi to Governor Jerry Brown have expressed interest in the procedure. Interestingly, as excited as D.C. gets about new surgeries, they have yet to rally behind another new procedure that promises to enlarge the brain.

“We kind of prefer not to know how the real world works,” an anonymous politician confessed. “That allows us to spend our time championing pathetic causes and being progressive and unrealistic, while still feeling relevant.”

Obama's doctor was impressed by the simplicity of the surgery. “I think the President was the perfect candidate for the procedure’s debut,” he said. “My work was made easy by the raw material already there.”