I really need some prayers. I am a miserable wreck and my faith is waning. It makes me so sad ive fallen away cause im so upset. My home life is miserable. My husband has always been very verbally abusive towards me and our children. The obedience issue with my 4 yr old is blamed on me. I am told im not a good enough mother or woman. I am constantly accused of infidelity even though i am faithful. My husband thinks i sneak men into our home through the window when he is at work. He thinks i leave and take our kids to other men's homes when he is not here. He has gotten so paranoid he has boarded up our windows and nailed signs on the outside of them threatening retaliation to people that dont even exist. I feel like a prisoner in our own home. He has recently started physically assaulting me and i have to defend myself. I know i should call the cops but i cant. I can not cause i have a no contact order against him and have a warrant for violation a simple battery probation against him. Sigh. This is complicated. When i was still pregnant with our baby Dan we got in a fight and both were arrested. They made us both do probation and have no contact orders. I was forced to live in a shelter at the time and the women there were threatening to take my kids away for no damn reason. I was scared and my husband forced me to come home. I have been living in fear ever since. I am not really allowed out unless its to the store or drs. He didnt allow me to call my po to explain things so i got violated for absconding. This man makes everything my fault and says i shouldnt have left in first place.he is manipulative and controlling and im so scared of losing my babies. I never tell anyone this cause i am afraid of losing my children. I do not know what to do. I can not keep living like this. Everyday i get verbally abused and called names and accused of cheating and told im not good enough. He holds everything over my head and threatens to turn me in and take the kids and beat me up. I feel like just letting the state take my children and going to jail cause its the right thing. I have no one. Im sorry for the rant but i am desperate for prayers.