It was all lies. I was played and manipulated into believing the man i love could change. I should have gone No Contact and separated myself completely from the narcisisstic man i married. I feel trapped once again, only this time the reigns are tighter and choking my children and myself to death. He will never change. Ive prayed and prayed and prayed and for awhile it was looking better, but I was only trying to see the best in him. He took advantage of it and lured me back into the snare. Once he had me where he wanted he closed his jaws and i was trapped again. Only this time he knows i will go as far as leaving to get away. I am afraid for myself and my children. My 4 yr old is saying awful things and repeats his stepdad and is behavior is more than i can bear at times. My husband abuses pain pills and flies into rage fits when he withdraws. No one seems to believe me or want to help me anymore. Ill be honest... I allowed myself to be manipulated and scared and i violated my misdemeanor probation which was a plea bargain i again felt manipulated and scared into taking by him... I can not report him to the police. I will be arrested and lose my kids. He knows this. He planned this. He laughed at me for being stupid and believing his lies. I have tracking devices on me, my every move is scrutinized, my belongings ransacked. My soul feels broken. How could i be so blind to believe he could change. I want to run away. I am so scared to lose my kids. But this is all to the point that i would gladly go to jail for not reporting and my kids put in foster care rather than live in this agony. I feel myself falling away from God. I cry out to Jesus but i have no reason to believe that He would listen and help me when i have been so ugly and ungodly in my thoughts against my husband's actions. I just want to be free. I really want to call the women's shelter and pour out my heart and just let God guide me. And if my children are take. I will fight for them back. A narcisisstic husband is not something i would want anyone elae to deal with. I don't know where my husband went... I wonder if it was a game to begin with.