My faith has been rattled today.... and I'm lost for words..
Remember how I keep talking about Pastor Sean? I parrot everything he says - He hates labels yet hes very Pentecostalish since he knew my wife years ago from worship.
I have no guy friends. I spent years in 12 step programs, and even then, my sponsor fired me from his company when my son was born saying "Construction isnt for me" (Its hard when you think youre so smart yet all Im really qualified for are minimum wage jobs, and a criminal history doesnt help)
So I havent heard from my mentor in a few days - and I texted him "JC Penny has an amazing sale going on! 80% off the total. Got two sports coats, two dress pants, dress shirts - lots of bright colored T-shirts, a safari hat that looks like a fedora... I'm getting my self esteem back!
I also included in the text how I was dressed very nice and went to the local mall, and FEMA was there helping people get emergenc'y food stamps because of the hurricane. So this 59 year old man comes up to me - and starts calling me sir, asking if I can help ( I think he thought I was someone important?) and I just helped him, took over an hour but using two cellphones and calling people and FEMA and his bank - we got it all set up! I asked if I could pray with him.
Today, this man, called me crying saying his co-workers are making fun of him for believing in Jesus, (He was wrongly 'baker acted' when he found Christ just a year ago after being an athiest like my self, and ran around his apartment complex shouting "Jesus is real! Repent, find Him!' --
So he calls today in tears. I had conflicted emotions because I feel 'unworthy' of guiding this man to Christ as I am so new, yet I prayed again for him and he cried again, told me his life story, asked me if he could call daily because he "needs a Christian friend"
My mentor calls me: "What we have is a father/son relationship because of what God has ordained me to do. A father doesnt punish his son, yet rebukes him. I rebuke your new clothes and this long story about this man."
After 30 minutes of preaching he said "My wife and I have prayed on this, and we feel as if you are faltering , and weve been doing this for four months now - and it feels as if I still have to fight your battles for me. My prayers won't change, yet please don't text me anymore - call me when you're ready to get dirty again to become pure."
and... I cried in front of my wife. Another 'male friend' gone... This man swore up and down 12-steps are evil, and got me so excited into Christ... and now he says I'm stagnent and my wife and I will continue to spiral out of control - hate the message not the messagnger..." Just... I was tearing up lost for words.
I just wanted to tell someone I bought a lot of new clothes besides strangers on the internet and this man has been so close to me.
Yet, apparently, he doesnt want to "hear how a toe can be a toe, he needs me to get dirty" (wtf does that mean?)
and it jusrt hurt man... I drank tonight... just a little...first time in awhiel... but, it just...come on man. Like, why can't I find male friends? Why do they always "fire me" - thats such a weird... concept...
I mean I fucking... parroted this man every day in life and on the internet, hoding him in such high regard...
"My wife and I prayed about getting you a new cell phone, because your current cellphone has demons attached to it - and we sacraficed buying underwear for our children to get you this phone and we realized - youre not ready to fight these battles."
wtf? Ive hung on every word... I praised him up and down... he claimed to be fighting my battles, because it was God's will for him to lead me and my wife...
Lead us where? Into what? I lost my drivers license. I cant drive you all around town to do side jobs and walk out Gods will.
It just... I dont know, hurts. It hurts. He claimed my wife and I are going to spiral out of control - and that Im not ready to fight for Christ...
I just wanted to share how good Ive been feeling lately and this encounter with a man COMING TO ME for guidance with Christ...
Don't get it. I always chase people away. His wife was an older sister of a friend from my grade school days and she said he remmebered me as "The kid in the four story house who had no friends"
Not everything is a battle... Not everything is Satan Versus Christ... "God pays my phone bill, and if I engage you with this nonsense its not his will."
Cant believe Im crying... this is such... bullshit... such.... I just wanted to TELL SOMEONE what GOOD has been HAPPENING IN MY LIFE because of GOD.
