Down in the funk again since about 3am. I took it upon myself after praying to drive to go see my children. it took me over an hour to drive 20 min away. I had to stop a few times. I know that I should not have driven. I know that I should have not attempted any of it, but something drove me to get up and try to see the kids today.

I got there and they were outside. I was able to speak to both children for about 15 min. I did get out of the car and my son came and gave me a hug. Something that I missed. My daughter was a little stand offish. I spoke to both, but she did not really want to. My son was attentive and when he had hugged me he felt the monitor and asked what it was. I told him it is a heart monitor. He was a little confused. I asked him whats wrong? He told me mom said you were sick. I replied yes I am. He said, what kind of sick? I told him I had a cardiac event. I did not give details. I just said that. He replied that mom told them I was sick and nothing more. I said, thats ok. I am going to get better. I just needed to see you.

He than gave me another hug. my soon to be 14yo son gave me a big hug. Something I have not had from him in quite some time. I did get hugs every day from him prior to this, but nothing like that. He than appologized for not replying to the texts and told me that he did not know what to say. I said, OK. I understand.

It was then I was asked to leave, since it was at her parents house. Long ugly story with that. Let's just say that I have been unwelcome since the day we were dating. Daughter came over after my son prompted her to get over. She gave me a hug. It felt so good, but it felt forced. I told her that I hope you have a good Bday this Saturday. She did say thank you.

I got back in my car and left. spent the next 80 minutes getting home. I passed out when I pulled into the garage. I got up and came in.


Not a smart move on my part to drive, but something told me to do it. So I did. I am not in as much of a funk as I was, but still upset. Back to laying down and more prayer.

I have to ask others. Do I have to be on my knees to pray? This is how I was taught from a very young age. I have a hard time getting down out of bed to do this. I usually just pray when I am laying down as it is not as difficult for me.

Sorry for the block of texts.

Cliff Notes version

bad morning, something said get up go see kids, did for 15, get hugs and talk, drive home and then collapse. Feel a little better. Prayer position?