Been a while since I have posted. I have been stressing out and depressed again.

Kids are driving me crazy. I set up the kids to get into a private school. Daughter is absolutely flipping out over it.

Daughter is still pushing me buttons with the whole FTM thing. She still thinks she is a boy and wants to be one. I have sat down and discussed this with her. Her main reasons she wants to be a boy. She thinks men have it easier AND she does not want her period anymore. The frustration levels are growing over this. There is more, but that is the most of it.

Son was gungho over it. Now he does not want to and is trying to bargain with me over it. I am bragging a little over him, but he is one of the top Golfers in the area for his age. He dropped out of golf for this year and with C19 it has made it impossible for the team to play, but that is neither here nor there. He wants to go back to playing on the team and the new school does not have one. I honestly think that he does not want to go to the new school, because he will have be learning in German, Spanish, English and Mandarine Chinese. I feel that he is scared to have to learn something new. I am unsure how to approach this as his Golf game is, as I have said, one of the best in the district and possibly in the state. He already had 2 universities approach him during tournaments and at practice showing high interest in him when he was in 8th grade.

On to me. My medical crap is driving me crazy. Talked to Drs about my Cyrinx and possible other issues causing the issues I am having. I went in for the MRI and in the little time between this last one and the one in the Hospital stay, it has grown.

Weakness in legs, dizziness, and overall just crap feeling makes day to day crap such a pain. I feel so useless around here. I passout, not blackout, but just passout asleep randomly for about 5 to 15 min. I am not sleeping well. I get around 1 hour upto 3 hours, if I am lucky, of sleep a night. Weight has shot up almost 30 pounds since beginning of the year. I can not work out like I want. I can not run.

Also, it looks like the job is trying to "find me" a replacement job, but the issue is that I can not even do my job and per the contract with the union and Management I can not get a ob transfer out of this craft or work partial days. I know that the meeting on Thursday they will say sorry, but we have nothing for you. I will be then either having to quit, retire, medically retire or something along those lines. Yes, I have enough to pay off everything and get the kids enough to go to college each.

I am just feeling useless as a father. I am feeling useless as a person. I have worked since I was 12.

Sorry for the long post. I am just well, I dont know anymore. I am just depressed and fed up.