Godlike Productions - Discussion Forum
Users Online Now: 2,087 (Who's On?)Visitors Today: 1,008,394
Pageviews Today: 1,805,873Threads Today: 779Posts Today: 13,820
08:27 PM


Rate this Thread

Absolute BS Crap Reasonable Nice Amazing
 

What to do when your wife despises your son.

 
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 6665
United States
10/13/2006 06:26 PM
Report Abusive Post
Report Copyright Violation
Re: What to do when your wife despises your son.
As a step-mother who has been in this position for 17 years, I can feel for your wife.
My husband had visitation every other weekend from ages 1-2, then one week per month from ages 2-4 when he gained full custody. The bio-mother's visitation was limited throughout the years until it was stopped completely, because of her instability (both physical and mental).
The same as with your family, the problems started at age 8. I only wish I knew as much then as I know now.
At one point, after disciplining our daughter, (yes, I call her OUR daughter) my husband told me that I was there to make sure nothing happened to her and nothing more. (nothing like being a glorified maid). His attitude did nothing but fuel my resentment, and in time he finally realized that if he wanted me to be a mother to his child, I had to be treated as her mother. I also had to come to realize that she was hurting, not being able to have a relationship with her bio-mom and feeling that maybe thing would be different if I wasn't "in the way" (even though her parents had never been married and her father and I were together before she was born).
For this type of family to work, that's just what it takes, WORK.
You need to sit them down, together, and tell them the way it is. Tell your son how much you love him and that you're so sorry that he is hurting because of the decisions all the adults around him are making. Explain to him that you want him to have a loving stable family and that your wife is not there to replace his mother, but to take care of him and provide a loving home for him and to do this he needs to show her respect, if not love. Explain that she also needs to respect his feelings and understand that he is feeling hurt and sad and has a right to these feelings.
Might even be better to discuss this with her ahead of time, being blindsided in these situations can be dangerous.
To wrap it up...you're going to have to be the strong one in this situation. Let them both know, not just now, but often, how much you love them. Encourage them to come to you when they feel there are problems brewing and have family meetings to discuss problems so that things can be kept respectful while still giving everyone a chance to discuss their feelings.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 154352
United States
10/13/2006 06:31 PM
Report Abusive Post
Report Copyright Violation
Re: What to do when your wife despises your son.
my husband told me that I was there to make sure nothing happened to her and nothing more. (nothing like being a glorified maid). His attitude did nothing but fuel my resentment, and in time he finally realized that if he wanted me to be a mother to his child, I had to be treated as her mother.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 6665




Bingo.
GET REAL
User ID: 37104
United States
10/13/2006 06:41 PM
Report Abusive Post
Report Copyright Violation
Re: What to do when your wife despises your son.
Look,
Bottom line, your present wife IS NOT HIS MOTHER. Is this why YOU married her, to have a decent mother for HIM.
These are questions that you need to truly address because all I can mentally hear is you saying she HAS to be a mother to YOUR son because you both are a package deal.
Where is this kids REAL mother. It's not like he dosen't have one from you saying you keep trying to help them see eye to eye. Your son is playing the victim. Your present wife has the responsibility of raising your's and your ex-wife's son, not hers. It is not her responsibility to raise him.
And yea, our family has been through divorce and remarrage. I did not expect my present husband to clean up my mess by saddling him with mine and my ex's problems concerning our child.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 44785
United States
10/13/2006 06:44 PM
Report Abusive Post
Report Copyright Violation
Re: What to do when your wife despises your son.
He said the ex is a crack addict and has limited contact.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 44785
United States
10/13/2006 06:45 PM
Report Abusive Post
Report Copyright Violation
Re: What to do when your wife despises your son.
Also, step-dads are rarely expected to take on as much of a parental role as step-moms. Toss the ball around with the boy, take him fishing...
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 154352
United States
10/13/2006 06:49 PM
Report Abusive Post
Report Copyright Violation
Re: What to do when your wife despises your son.
Since the bio mom is a crack head this boy needs a real mother even if she isn't blood related. If this wife can't be a real mother to this boy then why get maried.

If something were to happen to my spouse and my kids were still young you bet that my marriage mate would be viewed as a parental figure or I wouldn't get married while the kids were still at home. To just want a glorified babysitter is asking for trouble.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 185
United States
10/13/2006 06:58 PM
Report Abusive Post
Report Copyright Violation
Re: What to do when your wife despises your son.
Well then I would have to say you're the one at fault here for not putting a stop this brainwashing by your ex-wife.

If you value your marriage, your son and wife, you would do something about it.


Today I talked to my son, I talked to my wife and I talked to my ex wife (son's mom). But I cannot MAKE anyone do anything. All I can do is help them to understand each other and I'm not doing a very damn good job of it.
 Quoting: I Wish


Your new wife is trying to cut you out of the old family so she can have you for herself.

She will not change and it will get worse.

Your son will feel increasingly alienated by your wife's emotional coldness toward him.

Your wife will attempt to undermine your relationship with your son in other ways, e.g., he will call and she will forget to tell you; you will get something from him in the mail and she will conveniently lose it.

Your old wife will poison your son's attitude toward the new wife.

There is not a thing you can do to change either of the women.

The two women are both selfish destroyers who give a damn about your son.

They are both using the son as a weapon to fuck over each other and you are the prize.

Here's what you do:

1) Announce to both women that if there is any evidence discovered by you of either of them manipulating your son to be a pawn in their game that you will leave them both permanently and forever and will sue for custody of your son.

2) Get out of Dodge now and get an attorney and sue for custody.

3) Don't get remarried (after you divorce this current mistake) until your son is at least 23.

4) Grow some balls and bond to your son because HE IS THE ONLY BLOOD THERE THAT IS YOURS. These other women are not your blood; not your DNA.

5) Your son will appreciate you for choosing his welfare and relationship with you over either of these two selfish self-centered women.

6) Do what I say and you will have a solution that is correct.
3RD DAY RISING

User ID: 119602
United States
10/13/2006 06:58 PM
Report Abusive Post
Report Copyright Violation
Re: What to do when your wife despises your son.
Ok, this is getting serious.
Wife won't answer my calls to her cell, and I have to call her at work to get her on the phone.
She says my son (from a previous marriage) has been saying upsetting things to her all week and she is "Done" being his stepmom.
Anyone ever have that happen before?
This woman and I have been having our own problems, but I feel that I am less and less comfortible around her now that she has decided she wants nothing to do with my son. I mean, I have primary custody and I wouldn't give that up for anything.
Last time I talked to her I told her that she has to be a mom to him as that is part of the deal. That him and I are a package. I am sad that anyone could feel this way about my son.
 Quoting: I Wish



I realize that this is a difficult situation, however there are a few things to consider.

1. While you layed out the Package deal law to your new wife, did you also explain to your son that your new wife is an extension of you? Did you establish and confirm the other end of the Package deal to him? This is really important that He realize that your authority is her authority.

2. Has this situation been addressed with all parties involved in the same room to get to the source of the problem? If so, and your son was in fact behaving badly toward your new wife, was he punished for it and warned not to do it agin?

3. How much attention does your son receive from you personally. Do you take him to any ballgames or attend any of his if he plays? Do you have tie set aside each day to spend with him doing whatever? This behavior on his part may be directly related to his need for attention from you and his jealousy of the attention you give to your new wife.

4. Is your wife's rationale regarding this matter well founded and has she ever mentioned this problem before? If this just all of the sudden came to light, I am inclined to think that this situation with your son is not the core issue and only serving as an excuse for escape from the situation. It could also be that she wants attention as well. Who knows?

The final thing is this. Your son is your namesake. Your flesh and blood and a gift from God. Push come to shove the new wife loses, hands down. She can't expect the son to go away and if she does, you are better off without her. A marriage vow says "in the good times and the bad" and these apparently are bad times. If she is running out on you because the times "are difficult" then that would set off a red flag in my eyes. If you truly love someone, you work things out together. My wife and I have had some good times and bad. We have argued at times and had a difference of opinion, but we always work things out.

If this subject just all of the sudden developed over night, then I would be a bit concerned that there was something else at the root of the problem. A sudden problem appearing overnight that requires them to leave the house or move out and quit the marriage is all too often attributed to a "new interest" outside the home. I hope that is not the case, but if the matter has never voiced itself before, I would keep my ear to the rails...
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 559
United States
10/13/2006 07:03 PM
Report Abusive Post
Report Copyright Violation
Re: What to do when your wife despises your son.
Before making any rash and life changing decisions, wait for the dust to settle. My son is sweet and kind in all situations except when i introduce a man I am dating into his life. There was one exception with a man who was immediately able to engage him and my son became most agreeable. Truth is, his perceptions were correct to some extent about everyone.

So, deciding if you are going to stay married to your wife you need to come to terms with why you married her and if the effort and work to grow ALL the relationships is worth it.

I have actually given up on relationships as my son is my priority and there will come a day when he will understand and want me to be happy in relationship. So far, few men ( I assume this true for women attempting step parent ) have been able to see him and his needs as a child. They revert to their child and suddenly i have 2 children on my hands!

If your wife is willing to grow and work on herself and her relationship with both you and your son, then with good counceling and commitment, you could all grow together.

AND! If you are willing to grow and work on yourself and your relationship with your wife and son, then with good counceling and commitment, you could all grow together.



Take your time...go slowly....

Good luck
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 154493
United States
10/13/2006 07:06 PM
Report Abusive Post
Report Copyright Violation
Re: What to do when your wife despises your son.
Well, I don't really know what to tell you. I do know what it's like to be the son of a drug-addicted mother. I'm glad you have custody of your son... because I was not so fortunate. I spent most of my life with my mother as my custodial parent, and I had to go through a lot of bullshit because of it. And the day I finally learned why "mommy" was acting the way she was, it hurt quite a bit. In addition to hard drugs, she also suffered from mental illness... of which I had the "pleasure" of inheriting.

And I think that, yes, you should put your son before anyone else. I cannot stress enough how great it is that you got him away from his mother, because his life would most certainly be taking a turn for the worst if he were with her. Besides... who knows what scum she associates herself with. Among the ranks of crackheads, you will find some of the scummiest pieces of shit to ever walk the Earth. I know, because I'm still having to deal with crackheads to this very day, even though my dad finally managed to get me away from my mother and her "affiliates".
Whodini
User ID: 147055
United States
10/13/2006 07:11 PM
Report Abusive Post
Report Copyright Violation
Re: What to do when your wife despises your son.
Sound like the patient is running the asylum. Can't blame the kid...he probably feels SOMEOME has to be the parent and it doesn't sound like the Mom or Dad are interested in runnung the house.

Kids need boundaries and they know it. They may complain and test them every once in a while but they are doing that to test your love. They think that if you don't give them boundaries, you are not giving them love.

Right or wrong you both need to stick together on your discipline. If you disagree or have issues with each other, discuse them where the kid can't hear you. Kids these days have enough problems without having to hear all of yours.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 153838
United States
10/13/2006 08:26 PM
Report Abusive Post
Report Copyright Violation
Re: What to do when your wife despises your son.
Ok, this is getting serious.
Wife won't answer my calls to her cell, and I have to call her at work to get her on the phone.
She says my son (from a previous marriage) has been saying upsetting things to her all week and she is "Done" being his stepmom.
Anyone ever have that happen before?
This woman and I have been having our own problems, but I feel that I am less and less comfortible around her now that she has decided she wants nothing to do with my son. I mean, I have primary custody and I wouldn't give that up for anything.
Last time I talked to her I told her that she has to be a mom to him as that is part of the deal. That him and I are a package. I am sad that anyone could feel this way about my son.
 Quoting: I Wish



I'd try to find somewhere's else to live, move in there and see if YOU BOTH (as a package deal) are really worth it to her. I would let HER call you if she wants to talk.

Your child is worth more than any MATE could ever be.
Mrdjs7

User ID: 153838
United States
10/13/2006 08:26 PM
Report Abusive Post
Report Copyright Violation
Re: What to do when your wife despises your son.
Me above. Sorry, Timed out.
.........This Space For Rent.........
lamontcranston

User ID: 108959
United States
10/13/2006 08:32 PM
Report Abusive Post
Report Copyright Violation
Re: What to do when your wife despises your son.
Your child is worth more than any MATE could ever be.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 153838


What he said. Partners are a dime a dozen. Your offspring are unique.

The voice of experience would tell you, know this: stay w/that woman and your child may grow up to resent you for having made that choice, as well, the kid may not be able to forgive you for having done so.

hf
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 9724
United States
10/13/2006 11:51 PM
Report Abusive Post
Report Copyright Violation
Re: What to do when your wife despises your son.
Well then I would have to say you're the one at fault here for not putting a stop this brainwashing by your ex-wife.

If you value your marriage, your son and wife, you would do something about it.


Today I talked to my son, I talked to my wife and I talked to my ex wife (son's mom). But I cannot MAKE anyone do anything. All I can do is help them to understand each other and I'm not doing a very damn good job of it.


Your new wife is trying to cut you out of the old family so she can have you for herself.

She will not change and it will get worse.

Your son will feel increasingly alienated by your wife's emotional coldness toward him.

Your wife will attempt to undermine your relationship with your son in other ways, e.g., he will call and she will forget to tell you; you will get something from him in the mail and she will conveniently lose it.

Your old wife will poison your son's attitude toward the new wife.

There is not a thing you can do to change either of the women.

The two women are both selfish destroyers who give a damn about your son.

They are both using the son as a weapon to fuck over each other and you are the prize.

Here's what you do:

1) Announce to both women that if there is any evidence discovered by you of either of them manipulating your son to be a pawn in their game that you will leave them both permanently and forever and will sue for custody of your son.

2) Get out of Dodge now and get an attorney and sue for custody.

3) Don't get remarried (after you divorce this current mistake) until your son is at least 23.

4) Grow some balls and bond to your son because HE IS THE ONLY BLOOD THERE THAT IS YOURS. These other women are not your blood; not your DNA.

5) Your son will appreciate you for choosing his welfare and relationship with you over either of these two selfish self-centered women.

6) Do what I say and you will have a solution that is correct.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 185


He already has custody. Try to keep up and don't spout off unless you know what's going on here.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 9724
United States
10/14/2006 12:28 AM
Report Abusive Post
Report Copyright Violation
Re: What to do when your wife despises your son.
Your child is worth more than any MATE could ever be.

What he said. Partners are a dime a dozen. Your offspring are unique.

hf
 Quoting: lamontcranston

Geez! A lot of you people sure don't think much of marriage vows, do you?
ac10
User ID: 141727
United States
10/14/2006 12:58 AM
Report Abusive Post
Report Copyright Violation
Re: What to do when your wife despises your son.
Sounds like you three are doomed to failure unless you grow up fast and find out the difference between talk and commitment. You don't throw away a marriage because you hit a rough patch. Sheesh. Way to teach your son how to give up.

You guys need counseling and you need it fast.

You, sir, don't know the first thing about women, apparently. Don't you know that your wife totally feels your wandering heart? Instead of feeling your undying devotion, she gets to pick up psychic trails of lenscrater woman. And on top of that, you are 'blaming' her, not yourself, for the strained relationship between her and your son. You MUST take MOST or ALL responsibility for his behavior and treatment of her, as she is not in a position as stepmother to discipline him.

Start by listening in on an extension phone whenever your former wife speaks with your son. There are many reasons to do so, and zero reasons not to. Ride her hard about not manipulating your son to disrespect your wife, I mean really put your foot down.

If I were in your shoes, I would record every word she says. She has proven her unreliability. She is in the grip of substance abuse and not fit to function in the role of mother. Your son is WAY too young to perceive her inappropriateness as 'mother'--he has his emotional attachment to her and never thinks she has done anything wrong. He will be twenty-five years old before he can see her with any objectivity whatsoever.

She can't possibly be a good influence on him, and her contact should be kept minimal. A crackhead is by definition a liar and a manipulator, and incredibly self-centered on top of it all. Even if her immortal soul is shining bright heavenly gold, her life is a shitpile for now. DO NOT TRUST HER as she will try low and cunning ways to USE and MANIPULATE your/her son. Sorry, truth hurts. Drug addicts do not love, they use.

As far as your current wife, well I'm suprised she's still around, frankly, with your level of immaturity. The only mature thing I have seen from you is the admission that you don't know how to handle the situation, and that you told your wife you would take everyone to counseling (which is great).

If you follow through on that, and if you realize it may take months of HARD work on yourself and your relationship before you experience happiness with her again, then you will have something to start with.

You need a total transformation of your worldview. You sound like you blame everyone else...perhaps you don't understand that you have given away your power by doing that. It's hard to hold the reigns of manhood when you are trying to do it as a whining, blaming victim. Doesn't work.

Seek professional help, you guys really need it. If you think things are tough now, wait til your son starts having testosterone flowing through his veins. HA!

YOU GUYS HAVE A RECIPE FOR DISASTER HERE, AND IT IS NOT YOUR CURRENT WIFE'S FAULT. GETTING RID OF HER WON'T FIX IT, EITHER.

IT IS A DIFFICULT SITUATION, AND THERE IS NO ADULT PRESENT. AS YOU LOVE YOUR SON, EXAMINE YOUR OWN WEAKNESSES AND HEAL THEM.

There is a whole bunch of great advice on this thread... I hope you take some of it to heart.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 154352
United States
10/14/2006 01:05 AM
Report Abusive Post
Report Copyright Violation
Re: What to do when your wife despises your son.
Yes, I am surprised the wife is still around with the two males against her and her hands tied so she can do nothing. She needs alot of strength.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 150781
United States
10/14/2006 01:13 AM
Report Abusive Post
Report Copyright Violation
Re: What to do when your wife despises your son.
I have 3 boys and I can guess that your present wife doesn't have any children of her own. She's trying to pansy-fy the boy, seriously. You can't expect children to be perfect!

What your son is needing is unconditional love. Your wife isn't grasping that simple concept. When one of the kids says I HATE YOU or whatever, you say to them I LOVE YOU, I don't like it when you act like that, but I still love you and there's nothing you can do about it so hate me all you want. Then give them a big reassuring hug.

He called her a liar? Big hairy deal. I've been called lots worse, so what. Come to think of it, I've probably been called almost every rotten name you could think of at one time or another by one or the others of them. SO WHAT! I screech back at them YOU ARE! in a funny voice. Then they say YOU ARE! No, YOU ARE! I say in my funny voice. Then we laugh and get to the heart of the problem.

If they're really bad they get a spank. But you know what works better? Taking away everything in their bedroom that plugs into the wall for an appropriate amount of time.

OP, you should have married a woman who is a mother and can deal with kids, and do so with a minimum of taking things personally and a maximum of humor.

Kids aren't little breakable things, they're resilient and they want their boundaries set so they know where they stand. They will test and test and test, and the ones who don't are in for a tough life because they just aren't assertive. Encourage that, and channel it into something positive like sports or a creative thing.

Your wife should have discussed the alleged lie calmly, not expected blind respect. Guess what? If your kid blindly respects your kid will be run over their entire lives by others. It's great that your kid questioned! Your wife should have straightened the whole thing out and then thanked your son for bringing the issue to her attention! Then said something like 'next time, I want you to promise me you won't get mad at me first but come and talk to me and we'll both figure it out together'.

As to what to say about an errant or absent parent:

Every person on this planet has their own strengths and weaknesses. Some people are good at some things and suck at other things, some people just aren't the best at other things. Everybody is like this. Unfortunately, some people are not the best parents all the time. And there's nothing we can do about it. But we can love them for who they are, and see that they are a real person with shortcomings like the rest of us. I'm sorry that your mom/dad isn't the parent you wish they were. They're missing out on so much with you! I'm so lucky that I get to be here with you, I wouldn't trade you for anything. You're my favorite person in the whole wide world. When so and so disappoints you, just remember that there's some good things about so and so too, and don't take it personally. It is not personal. It's just not their best thing. Then give big hugs and go do something fun.

See, when a person thinks there is something wrong then others pick up on it. Like a waitress who is harried gives the impression to the customers that they are not getting the best. But a calm waitress with a winning smile will exude a confidence from her customers and they probably won't even realize the other waitress called in sick at the last minute and their food is taking twice as long as usual. Presentation is mucho important. It's all in the attitude.

Children will mirror what's around them. Your son mirrored his mother. Vented at your wife. Wife may not be cut out to be a mom, or wife may need some parenting classes and books.

And here's another thing. Your wife empowered your son by her overreaction. Now he knows he can set her off whenever he feels like it. He'll keep doing it because she showed him how. And if she doesn't earn his love he's going to resent women.

Wife is supposed to be the parent, not the little wah wah girl who got her ponytail dipped in the inkwell.

Role playing out situations with her might help her handle things better next time. It does take a bit of practice sometimes - ask any oldest child! ha ha ha

Your problem isn't major IF your wife can put her ego aside and start being a grown up instead of a whiner.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 140372
United States
10/14/2006 01:45 AM
Report Abusive Post
Report Copyright Violation
Re: What to do when your wife despises your son.
OP,
I didn't read this whole thread,there has been some good advise. I tend to favor the counseling, for you, first, and go from there. Someone suggested sitting the two of them down together. Uh, I THINK this woman, any woman, deserves more than this. Sit down with her FIRST. No doubt you want to tell her how you feel (please DON'T do this in front of your son!)and I'm sure you have. Try sitting down, and LISTENING.
Get the son a babysitter, and take this woman away for a weekend, showing HER she is that important. Are you hearing me? Your son NEEDS to see this.
No one here really knows the other side, her side.If you truly love this woman, get counseling.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 154591
United States
10/14/2006 01:55 AM
Report Abusive Post
Report Copyright Violation
Re: What to do when your wife despises your son.
I have...and he says that he misses his mom. What do you tell an 8yr old that has a crack head for a mom? I'm just trying to be the best father I can be, but the best father doesn't have a wife that hates his kids.
 Quoting: I Wish


I don't know, but I'll share my two cents. Your son is your first priority. I hope your wife signed on realizing this.

Second, I work in a domestic violence shelter, where I see some seriously troubled kids. Point is, I DON'T WANT TO BE AROUND THEM, IRRESPECTIVE OF FAULT.

You all need help.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 153788
United States
10/14/2006 01:57 AM
Report Abusive Post
Report Copyright Violation
Re: What to do when your wife despises your son.
OP, as strange as this may sound, you need to put your wife first, ahead of your son.

It may sound heartless and go against all you stand for, but it will actually balance the whole situation out over time.

The parent / child link is powerful but skews the ability to see clearly. Being convinced that you are right, you are shutting down the truth of HER reality which is just as valid and has something to teach.

Everything has a 'right place' and once there, there is no denial of one for the sake of another.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 140372
United States
10/14/2006 02:03 AM
Report Abusive Post
Report Copyright Violation
Re: What to do when your wife despises your son.
For the record,I have dated several men in the past that had children. One
situation, he wanted me to meet his kids. Drove a few hours to take Johnny to a ball game he was playing in. I mistook his quietness towards me as shyness. On the way home, I sensed hostility from the son, and before he was dropped off at his mom's, I had received rudeness from him to ME, uncalled for.Hmm. I ended this relationship shortly after. WHY? Yes, my male friend told his son that wasn't
a 'very nice thing to say", or something similar. The FATHER showed ME
what was in store for me, if we were to get married. I was left feeling really crappy, because of the LACK of discipline, or at least correction.
This man had money, same as his step father, and spoiled. Needless to say, I am married to a man that has three sons. It hasn't been wine and roses, but i wouldn't trade it for anything. And I owe it to my husband for putting his foot down immediately with his boys.No, I'm not momma,and no. I'm not their "friend". But I will be when they are grown.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 1871
United States
10/14/2006 02:15 AM
Report Abusive Post
Report Copyright Violation
Re: What to do when your wife despises your son.
seek counseling for all 3 of you as soon you can. It will only get worse. Being a step parent is very hard. Having a step parent is very hard as well. Get your family in counseling.
Ningishiddza

User ID: 124957
United States
10/14/2006 02:27 AM
Report Abusive Post
Report Copyright Violation
Re: What to do when your wife despises your son.
Kudos to your new wife for have a big brass pair of balls to stand up to both you and your son.

Ask her if she will share her balls with you, since you obviously need a pair.

Your son called his step-mother a liar, because his mother told him to do that.

Your son was wrong.

You are wrong for taking sides with your son.

Your wife is 100% correct, although she may have over-reacted.

Your 8 year old son had no business relaying messages from his mom to his stepmom.

You need to grow a spine and stand up to your ex-wife and tell her that such behavior will no longer be tolerated.

You need need to explain to your ex-wife, in no uncertain terms, that all future conversations between her and your son will be about her and your son and no one else.

You need to explain to her, in no uncertain terms, that if pulls a stunt like this again, that she will not be allowed to talk to your son unless you are monitoring the conversation, and that if she persists, you will reduce and limit said telephone calls, and if she continues to persist, you will cut off the telephone calls.

If your ex-wife has something to say to your wife, tell her to put down the damn crack-pipe and do it herself.

Your son does not need to be punished, but he does need to be reprimanded. You need to explain to him that his actions were wrong, and why they were wrong, and that if his mother does this again, that he should call you immediately.

You need to send your wife a big bouquet of flowers, a box of choclates, buy something from Victoria's Secrets, take her out to dinner and send her to one of those all-day make-over things, then you need to get on your knees, although it will be hard for you since you have no spine, and beg for her forgiveness and ask for her understanding.

Then you both need to sit down and have a friendly talk with your son, maybe at his favorite restaurant or something.

Your wife does not have to tolerate abuses from your ex-wife via your son. If you can't see that, then start dividing the property now.
Americanii-s de vina futu-i in gura sa-i fut
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 152295
United States
10/14/2006 02:33 AM
Report Abusive Post
Report Copyright Violation
Re: What to do when your wife despises your son.
Kick his ass and tell him to stop mouthing her. Simple ass that, son or not, she's your wife. Then after you do that, tell her to buck up, she knew what she was getting into and she needs to be an adult and handle her situation.

Ok, this is getting serious.
Wife won't answer my calls to her cell, and I have to call her at work to get her on the phone.
She says my son (from a previous marriage) has been saying upsetting things to her all week and she is "Done" being his stepmom.
Anyone ever have that happen before?
This woman and I have been having our own problems, but I feel that I am less and less comfortible around her now that she has decided she wants nothing to do with my son. I mean, I have primary custody and I wouldn't give that up for anything.
Last time I talked to her I told her that she has to be a mom to him as that is part of the deal. That him and I are a package. I am sad that anyone could feel this way about my son.
 Quoting: I Wish
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 126878
Panama
10/14/2006 04:36 AM
Report Abusive Post
Report Copyright Violation
Re: What to do when your wife despises your son.
I was a rotten little brat to my stepmom when I was a kid, but she never said she didn't want to be a mom to me anymore; she never avoided me; she never screamed at me to get out when I apoligized to her; and she never ran off crying hysterically when I said mean things to her. She acted like a mature adult, and I grew to respect and love her.

Sometimes my dad got caught in the middle, but he handled it well. When I was in the wrong, my dad told me so, and he managed to do it without making me feel like he was taking sides with anyone -- he'd tell me that the only side he was on was the side of what was right and fair, and that the reason we were having this discussion was because I was not being fair to my stepmom. And, when my dad did not agree with her, he talked to her about it in private -- he knew better than to do it in my presence, because he knew I'd use any criticism of her he made in front of me as ammo against her, so he never criticized her in front of me.

I was a rotten little brat to her off and on for almost a year. I was 9 years old at the time, and I was a very aggressive, willful child with some major issues. They both did a great job dealing with me, IMHO. They managed to get my behavior under control by making me WANT to change my behavior. They knew my strengths and weaknesses, and they got me to change by appealing to my strengths. They understood that underneath all my seething anger, I had a strong sense of fairness and a good sense of right and wrong, and that's what they appealed to. That's how they got me to change my bad behavior -- by appealing to my strengths rather than continually browbeating me for my weaknesses.

Some people here are bashing the OP for being too quick to give up on his wife (and I must admit, OP, you haven't helped matters any with all your panting after the lenscrafter girl -- if you really put your son first the way you say you do, then you wouldn't be actively going out your way to destroy your marriage and the stability of your home by chasing after other women),

BUT...

Before we jump on the OP for being too quick to give up on his wife, let's think about who gave up on who first. Did she or did she not say that she was done being the OP's son's stepmom? Because the moment you tell a man with a kid that you are finished being the kid's stepmom, you have essentially said that you no longer want to be the man's wife. The OP is right -- he and his son are a package deal. She can't pick and choose like that -- she can't say she wants to be the OP's wife but does not want to be a stepmom the OP's son. It doesn't work that way. She can only be both or neither.
anon
User ID: 62234
United States
10/14/2006 07:03 AM
Report Abusive Post
Report Copyright Violation
Re: What to do when your wife despises your son.
Maybe you need to be very blunt with your son about his mother and her crack problems and just exactly what that all means. He really should not have any contact with her at all.

He may very well be seeing her through rose colored glasses. There is a reason why you divorced her and why you have custody and he needs to know all that in simplified terms.

If you allow him to chases this woman out of your home and your life, he will do it with every woman you try to let into your life.

That said, you need to come up with a two adult plan on how you will interact as a family and just what is acceptable and what is not.

Love between a child and step-parent is possible but it does take time and effort on her part and yours. If she is feeling like the hired nanny rather than as the woman of the house and queen of her own castle, then you need to work on that attitude.

Your son and wife should both be number one - no one needs to come second here.
He needs to feel safe and loved and so does she.

As the head of the family it is up to you to see to it that both are getting unconditional love from you.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 108129
United States
10/14/2006 08:20 AM
Report Abusive Post
Report Copyright Violation
Re: What to do when your wife despises your son.
Acting on it is what seals the deal.

That is SO true.

Done bun can be undone.

eye and oogle all you want, but don't act on it.


Exactly. Besides the fact that it makes me feel "alive" to know that I just might still be a little bit attractive at my old decrepid age of 31.
 Quoting: I Wish



Another immature man who can't keep it in his pants. Is this what you're teaching your kid?? And by everything you say, you don't love your wife. I think you married her to be a nanny to your son. A package deal??? Oh, you want her to be a mother to your son, but you don't want her to discipline your son.

Everything you are doing here is going to create big-time problems for you down the road with your son. He will never know the meaning of "marriage". He will have nothing but hate for women. We pay the price for the sins of our fathers. Remember that.

Now grow up and go to your wife and be a man. You need to not only place your son first, but your wife. You are a "family". Not when it's convenient for you or your son.

I truly feel sorry for your wife.
jaderbabe

User ID: 130137
United States
10/14/2006 08:44 AM
Report Abusive Post
Report Copyright Violation
Re: What to do when your wife despises your son.
Well where is the biological mother? Why does she have to be the mother? I am a step-mother myself but get along with my step-kids and have my own daughter. There will always be some sort of problem when kids come from a broken home, no matter how well-adjusted they seem. If you want her to act as a mother to him, he also has to respect her. No ifs, ands or buts. We all want to think our kids can do no wrong, but in reality, when there are mixed marriages, there has to be ground rules. Perhaps you are having your own problems with your wife because maybe she feels threatened, perhaps you are not making her needs important too.

A step-mother will NEVER be the child's real parent, unless and only unless the biological parent either has died while the child was still in an early age or the biological parent wants nothing to do with them. It's a two-way street. Your kid should respect her. Where are you when he's saying disrespectful things to her? Have you questioned him? If not, why not? No kid is perfect no matter how much we want to think so.


I just got full custody as his biological mother is a crack head.....literally.
He used to get along with my wife just fine when it was just every other weekend. I have counseled him today on being respectfull to her, but I don't understand why it's so hard for the two of them to get along now. I will never put anyone and I mean ANYONE above my son. He is the only family that I have left.


Those are awful harsh words to say. Of course, your son should be important in your life but you also married her and she should also be first on your list. You are a family now. Don't be putting her second. I bet that is why you're having problems. Now what would you do if you had a child with her?? Please. Is she that bad that you would leave her? I truly suggest you guys get some counseling. Is you son a teenager? If so, then that explains it. Even my own kid when she was a teenager was difficult and disrespectful, and it didn't matter if it was me or anyone else.

Go get counseling.



Agree, the mom and dad MUST be a team. Or else the child will get between them. It is just natural for a child to do this. It is happening in my house. My two will try to find the weak spots and go for it. We have had to stand tough and put them in their place. When they know where you stand the behavior stops. Children will try to play you no matter what. This goes for bio parents and especially for step parents.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 154352


I'll back up the "parents have to be a united front" statement. Children learn the 'divide and conquer' technique at a very early age. It usually begins with asking one parent for permission to do something and that parent saying go ask the other parent. Once begun and affirmed within the child, it will go on and on until the the child is grown and even beyond.

DO NOT fight with your wife in front of your child. Have your child leave the room, or the two of you go to another room or even the garage! Do your best to not raise your voice so he can hear the arguement. It gives the child ammo to use at a later opportunity. DO NOT call your wife names in the childs presence and do not allow your wife to call you names in front of him either.

Always keep in mind that a child lives what he/she learns from adults.

Good Luck and I hope everything works out.
"Never talk religion or politics with your family."
Grandpa R. B. Sutton
"We can evade reality, but we cannot evade the consequences of evading reality." Ayn Rand:





GLP