Mad World

I was never a 'hater'. GLP as a platform is very important to me.

I hope that is clear.

You found what you were chasing.. Madness and mind control.


Sometimes I wonder about how 'Jos' felt..when all those little girls were blow up at her concert.

Pretty sick.


[link to www.youtube.com (secure)]

[link to youtu.be (secure)]

that is the extent of my worth to you after all these years? you're siding with zen? after I have done nothing but help you with your - by the way continuous problems- and offer my unconditional support? I have had to deal with your problems and i have done so without complaint. unlike you to whom I am a burden. it is all about YOU even when I am the one suffering. well guess what? Have it your way. Hope you dont' regret one day losing one of the best friends you ever had.

I'm not siding with Zen. Just stating a stark example of the exasperation some may feel.

Your worth to me? I care about you deeply. It is not about that, so don't turn it into something it isn't.


I noticed the other day you wrote 'extreme sleep deprivation'..

Do you think I miss that and don't know exactly what it means?


[link to www.youtube.com (secure)]

Why don't ye peepz just fookin kiss an make up/out.. ?

Aye. Make up sex iz good fookin sex....

Once you catch the rabbit, you become the rabbit. Others chase you..


Irony at its finest.

I think God may enjoy irony most of all.


[link to www.youtube.com (secure)]

I have had nothing but infinite patience for your issues, seer. I've always been uncompromisingly unconditional even though it's a continuous and constant issue that we all hear about every day. But it's always the same with people that I know. Once things turned around and they saw my issues, they have all these self-righteous judgement about my problems. as if they know a damned thing about how I feel or what I have experienced. for the trauma I've gone through I think I've handled it pretty damn well.

I am very selective about friends and I don't give up on them. yet, there is something utterly impossible about who I am that nobody can stand at some point. I'm too everything for everyone. I thought you were different, I thought you understood me. but don't worry, it's not the first time a person I felt highly connected to decided I was "too much" for them.

I'm not giving up on you. I told..you not to make it something it isn't.

You've been most absent since you disappeared shortly after I made this thread.

Look..this is just one of the trial/cycles..

Don't hate on me..when you keep diving in.

I get that I was naive and ignorant too. It's what made us, good targets.

You know exactly why I stopped talking to you.


Enochian magick is cyclical Hell. You wanted Chaos..


[link to www.youtube.com (secure)]

I'm not diving into chaos.
I'm finally putting together all the pieces...
I see how the archetypes are fitting together.
It feels like I've made very important progress.
The sleep deprivation is the energy fucking driving me crazy. There is nothing, absolutely nothing I can do about it until I finally pass out. energy torture. I won't call myself a victim but this was not a choice.
It's there and it wants me to write about the experience.
I think I have told the truth...
I am hoping somehow somewhere that means something

Did we make up/have sex already.. ?

Aye. Me last post was but minutes. Good sex lasts for fookin hourz.....

I'm talking about when you did. Just after I made this thread and you disappeared..

When you finally returned, you told everyone to think of you as 'dead'. Then you moved to Spain.

Yes...it is awful I know.


[link to www.youtube.com (secure)]

I read back on my posting as kayli on the handler thread few months ago. It 's hard to read because it is so embarrassing that the sense of self I thought I had crafted to be immutable was utterly broken. I almost didn't recover from my disappointment in myself as you are aware. And I decided not to drag anybody into it because it just never stopped. It went on and on and on.

two years...that's how fucked up it was. I felt dead and did die. I didn't think there would be any coming back for the person I was - for coelus. It was not safe for her to exist.I wanted to escape the chaos I had become...I wanted to be something different.

I have tried so hard to be careful with the power that I have. I'm no longer afraid to admit that I have it.But it's my alien burden to grow these energies and make them into flowers. How can I pretend that I don't do chaos? I don't know what it means. I don't know if the idea I am a good person is somehow mistaken because I am connected by chains to something. I have learned still even with chains I don't have to hide...

A lot of people were dragged into it. You were very young..and very eager.

That was 3 years ago.


Break the chain. Or keep holding and watch as it further devours you, while you starve. It doesn't care about you.

It didn't care about me either.

I care.

[link to www.youtube.com (secure)]

I think i scare people, but I'm not trying to. I know what I have to say is too intense for some people, but it's the only thing I can contribute that is worth something. it's what I am.

It's lying to you. That's what It does.

It's all a con.

You know, when I was pretty young, and I mean a kid, I decided to not just allow it, but to embrace it completely. That was how I got through it...I impaled myself on it. It is my darkest secret, but I don't know any other way I could have psychologically handled it without making it a part of myself. I don't every speak of it. I never have. It's not the same as you but...torture grooming is something I understand intimately.

[link to www.youtube.com (secure)]

Yes. However you broke yourself. And took me with you.

Hell is only unimaginable..based on experience.


[link to www.youtube.com (secure)]

[link to www.youtube.com (secure)]

I have been broken from a very young age.
changing from a slave to an offering gave me back my agency...it gave me a choice.
coelus. for everything that eventually went terribly wrong, I saw that there was something only I can do...
I liked to think about only the parts the occurred above the surface, but of course I kept it to myself how dark this collar really gets.

to be a sacrifice is pure pain in the way I was shown as a young kidThat idea that painn is love is something that I believed.so in suffering willingly something became changed in me, because I could exist for something I loved much more than myself...I'm not enthralled by saying this. It feels twisted, but my patterns are not a choice. This idea, that of sacrifice, was a choice. I

Pure pain?

What is pure pain, but loss of desired outcome?


A willing sacrifice to what end? You think you have it all figured out?

The older you get..the more you realize both the novelty and folly of youth. And why dead exist to remind..all of us.

How fragile..this ALL is.


[link to www.youtube.com (secure)]

The thing is I trust...my soul. I do. I know that the things that happen to me can't change my soul. So whatever people see when they look at me, fine. sometimes it's almost impossible to remember, but something inside of me always find me before I give up on my worth. It can be frustrating to go many times through the labyrinth only to wake up in a new one not long after. I couldn't get out of treatment because I was scared to leave the labyrinth. I'm just "not right'. I have tried every configuration of honesty to get rid of the button in my head called 'self-destruct'. Eventually I really was fucking over it. I was willing to accept myself as the worthless albatross this collar has always told me that I am. But when it came right down to it, when I finally got the choice of how far I was willing to fall, I chose not to hit the ground. Like sacrifice, that was my choice. The alternative was an option. But I chose not to do it. it sucked. I wasn't happy. everything fucking sucked, and I didn't choose not to hit the ground for anything fuzzy and cute, but simply because I am bored of this pattern.

I don't want to steal the energy away form your suffering and pain seer. I don't need anyone to redeem me or validate that ny trauma was horrible enough to deserve sympathy. because you know I could not know the extent of your pain...but more than that there is something else. you need your identity as including insurmountable suffering...it gives you something you can be proud of living through. I won't argue with you, I have always borne my self hatred and darkness deep inside and alone. I want to define myself as an unstoppable force. So I created myself, a self I could protect with my heart instead of my desire to be carved into a million bloody pieces.

it's not a competition.

You know..they say if everyone could see the fight another is waging..there would always be peace.

It was never a competition.

Pain management is a matter of experience and time.


[link to youtu.be (secure)]

I don't have any more time left. I'm on the carousel and I could have chosen to get off, but I didn't.




it's not the eating disorder, the torture grooming, the lack of any achievement at this age...

It's just nothing. I did it all and realized that all my questions and answers are just romances. But there are archetypes to ta;k to.

Total silence with no justification. It's as full as I want to expend eenergy making sense of it...
but I got vindicated. What else can I say? I'm not fixed...but I'm peaceful about it. I Eat....it's not all happy. but it is

encouraged meant

Yeah..it is all bullshit.

Once you get past the angst of the finality of Human existence..you push past it and try to do what you can to..ripple into the future.

Even stone turns to sand.

Can't fight the Wind.


[link to www.youtube.com (secure)]