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All I want for Christmas

 
Crystalmethod
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User ID: 71010640
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12/13/2015 01:46 AM
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All I want for Christmas
Dear Santa,
You know how you never bring me shit, always blaming me on being naughty. Well this year, if you can spare a moment from your busy schedule of eating cookies and drinking milk , I request just one thing.

I don't have a chimney so you will have to enter through my door like regular people do, no creepy shit aright.

Yeah back to my present, I just want a big scoob of Holland's finest genetics mate. I know people talk about the Cali weed, but I like my Dutch blend, I want to try the 'G13'.

I haven't smoked for ages since you insisted that it was naughty so I got drunk instead. Man you tricked me mother fucker, that shit is nasty so yeah, you owe me...

Look man, people have been bagging you out for years and I have defended you, I know your real. Ever since I saw you creeping around on my neighbours roof as a kid.

3eyehigh
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of GLP.
Zuzu

User ID: 70218245
United States
12/13/2015 01:49 AM
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Re: All I want for Christmas
Santa will have none to spare. It's all for the reindeer, need to keep them flying you know!
Proud to share the basket with you.
Anonymous Coward
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Canada
12/13/2015 01:50 AM
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Re: All I want for Christmas
Those are some scary teeth.
Lo Pan

User ID: 71020292
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12/13/2015 01:51 AM
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Re: All I want for Christmas
Oh hell bro, if you were out here in Cali, I would treat you to some of the finest... I do have have medical rec... cruise jay
Crystalmethod  (OP)

User ID: 71010640
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12/13/2015 01:52 AM
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Re: All I want for Christmas
Santa will have none to spare. It's all for the reindeer, need to keep them flying you know!
 Quoting: Zuzu


Stop making excuses for him!
Everyone knows Santa spikes the reindeer feed with crystal meth, so they go all night without rest :)

He just tries to keep that weed for himself and the elves so they don't rebel against his hard labour.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of GLP.
Crystalmethod  (OP)

User ID: 71010640
Australia
12/13/2015 01:55 AM
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Re: All I want for Christmas
Oh hell bro, if you were out here in Cali, I would treat you to some of the finest... I do have have medical rec... cruise jay
 Quoting: Lo Pan


Dear Bro Pan,
This sounds like a plan. When I green out from the overdose, please don't draw penises on my face and leave me outside on the verb for everyone to hashtag me.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of GLP.
Crystalmethod  (OP)

User ID: 71010640
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12/13/2015 01:56 AM
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Re: All I want for Christmas
Those are some scary teeth.
 Quoting: Anonymous-Girl


Yes, I have said that also in my lifetime, under different circumstances ;P
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of GLP.
Lo Pan

User ID: 71020292
United States
12/13/2015 01:57 AM
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Re: All I want for Christmas
Oh hell bro, if you were out here in Cali, I would treat you to some of the finest... I do have have medical rec... cruise jay
 Quoting: Lo Pan


Dear Bro Pan,
This sounds like a plan. When I green out from the overdose, please don't draw penises on my face and leave me outside on the verb for everyone to hashtag me.
 Quoting: Crystalmethod


LOL! No way man! I'll just be on GLP, occasionally looking over to make sure you're still okay. lol

Last Edited by An Hero on 12/13/2015 01:59 AM
Zuzu

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12/13/2015 01:57 AM
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Re: All I want for Christmas
Santa will have none to spare. It's all for the reindeer, need to keep them flying you know!
 Quoting: Zuzu


Stop making excuses for him!
Everyone knows Santa spikes the reindeer feed with crystal meth, so they go all night without rest :)

He just tries to keep that weed for himself and the elves so they don't rebel against his hard labour.
 Quoting: Crystalmethod


Hey, stop destroying my childhood idols. Everyone knows that Santa's nose is so red because of the cocaine! The weed is for the day after Christmas! I can only imagine what is cooked into all those cookies that the elves eat. Surely their kitchen smells like an old Bob Marley concert.
Proud to share the basket with you.
Crystalmethod  (OP)

User ID: 71010640
Australia
12/13/2015 01:59 AM
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Re: All I want for Christmas
Santa will have none to spare. It's all for the reindeer, need to keep them flying you know!
 Quoting: Zuzu


Stop making excuses for him!
Everyone knows Santa spikes the reindeer feed with crystal meth, so they go all night without rest :)

He just tries to keep that weed for himself and the elves so they don't rebel against his hard labour.
 Quoting: Crystalmethod


Hey, stop destroying my childhood idols. Everyone knows that Santa's nose is so red because of the cocaine! The weed is for the day after Christmas! I can only imagine what is cooked into all those cookies that the elves eat. Surely their kitchen smells like an old Bob Marley concert.
 Quoting: Zuzu


My apologies, I thought Santa just had snow on his beard. The truth has been exposed!
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of GLP.
Crystalmethod  (OP)

User ID: 71010640
Australia
12/13/2015 02:00 AM
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Re: All I want for Christmas
Oh hell bro, if you were out here in Cali, I would treat you to some of the finest... I do have have medical rec... cruise jay
 Quoting: Lo Pan


Dear Bro Pan,
This sounds like a plan. When I green out from the overdose, please don't draw penises on my face and leave me outside on the verb for everyone to hashtag me.
 Quoting: Crystalmethod


LOL! No way man! I'll just be on GLP, occasionally looking over to make sure you're still okay. lol
 Quoting: Lo Pan


Lol

Add this to the list :)
This isn't...yours is it haha
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of GLP.
Lo Pan

User ID: 71020292
United States
12/13/2015 02:02 AM
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Re: All I want for Christmas
Oh hell bro, if you were out here in Cali, I would treat you to some of the finest... I do have have medical rec... cruise jay
 Quoting: Lo Pan


Dear Bro Pan,
This sounds like a plan. When I green out from the overdose, please don't draw penises on my face and leave me outside on the verb for everyone to hashtag me.
 Quoting: Crystalmethod


LOL! No way man! I'll just be on GLP, occasionally looking over to make sure you're still okay. lol
 Quoting: Lo Pan


Lol

Add this to the list :)
This isn't...yours is it haha
 Quoting: Crystalmethod


hahaha I love the Evil Dead series!

Crystalmethod  (OP)

User ID: 71010640
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12/13/2015 02:06 AM
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Re: All I want for Christmas
Also Santa,
I have some cool friends. I know they stopped believing in you a while ago, but if you could swing past and deliver a high powered surround sound system to Lo Rider, a quantum computer to Cark, and a $5000 a night escort to The Pan, I would appreciate it.

I would salt your sled way free of charge for the next 30 years. I don't expect to survive that long given the deteriorating conditions of my basement, however the contract can still be drawn up.

Should I not be able to fulfil my end of this agreement, My friends cousins aunties baby brother Jerry said he would take over.

Last Edited by Crystalmethod on 12/13/2015 02:09 AM
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of GLP.
Lo Pan

User ID: 71020292
United States
12/13/2015 02:24 AM
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Re: All I want for Christmas
Also Santa,
I have some cool friends. I know they stopped believing in you a while ago, but if you could swing past and deliver a high powered surround sound system to Lo Rider, a quantum computer to Cark, and a $5000 a night escort to The Pan, I would appreciate it.

I would salt your sled way free of charge for the next 30 years. I don't expect to survive that long given the deteriorating conditions of my basement, however the contract can still be drawn up.

Should I not be able to fulfil my end of this agreement, My friends cousins aunties baby brother Jerry said he would take over.
 Quoting: Crystalmethod


bigcruise

Oh man. hahahahaha



Thanks bro, best Christmas gift ever! lol!

Last Edited by An Hero on 12/13/2015 06:58 PM
Kai (VALIS)

User ID: 19402590
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12/13/2015 02:49 AM
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Re: All I want for Christmas
Dear Crispin Chipner,

Due to the fact that Santa Claus is no longer real (because of complications arising from the latter half of The Philadelphia Experiment and Project: Rainbow), we have been instructed by the US Air Force Office of Special Investigations to take over "his" regularly scheduled gift delivery service.

This is what you (and every other "human") will be receiving for Christmas for the next 3759366202685926 years or until the planet "earth" is no longer a viable setting for life to exist:

GreyBox
- The Spider Kid
Zuzu

User ID: 70218245
United States
12/13/2015 02:55 AM
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Re: All I want for Christmas
Santa will have none to spare. It's all for the reindeer, need to keep them flying you know!
 Quoting: Zuzu


Stop making excuses for him!
Everyone knows Santa spikes the reindeer feed with crystal meth, so they go all night without rest :)

He just tries to keep that weed for himself and the elves so they don't rebel against his hard labour.
 Quoting: Crystalmethod


Hey, stop destroying my childhood idols. Everyone knows that Santa's nose is so red because of the cocaine! The weed is for the day after Christmas! I can only imagine what is cooked into all those cookies that the elves eat. Surely their kitchen smells like an old Bob Marley concert.
 Quoting: Zuzu


My apologies, I thought Santa just had snow on his beard. The truth has been exposed!
 Quoting: Crystalmethod


Yep, all that snow on his beard is what puts the twinkle in his eye.
Proud to share the basket with you.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 69781871
United States
12/13/2015 02:57 AM
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Re: All I want for Christmas
The Krampus is strong with this one.
Crystalmethod  (OP)

User ID: 68860410
Australia
12/13/2015 03:15 AM
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Re: All I want for Christmas
Dear Crispin Chipner,

Due to the fact that Santa Claus is no longer real (because of complications arising from the latter half of The Philadelphia Experiment and Project: Rainbow), we have been instructed by the US Air Force Office of Special Investigations to take over "his" regularly scheduled gift delivery service.

This is what you (and every other "human") will be receiving for Christmas for the next 3759366202685926 years or until the planet "earth" is no longer a viable setting for life to exist:

GreyBox
 Quoting: Kai (VALIS)


Dear Kai,
It was unfortunate that the experiments did not work out as planned and Santa was eliminated from the time wave continuum. Hence from the age of three I set about to construct my own time machine made from a box of cheerio's, some copper I stripped from an old radio and some cubic zirconia taken from my mums jewellery box.

By the age of 33 I had completed my machine and went back to when the dinosaurs roamed, approximately 2400 years ago.

There I found Santa barricaded in a cave hiding from T-Rex. I offered to take Santa back on one condition, he would never again let kids sit on his lap and offer them candy.

Santa complied and I brought him to an alternate time line. He still has to compete with the Box, otherwise known as the TV, but he has copious amounts of amphetamines which we also brought back from the year 1973.

Santa also contracted an STD from that year and is being blackmailed by Magic Johnson & Eddie Murphy who have the cure.

Together Santa, Easter bunny and Stephen Hawkins have theorised earth will be non viable in the next 12 years, again voiding the contract I have with him to salt his sled way.

I also requested that Santa deliver you a space ship that has the capabilities to fly to the planets Mars & Venus. There you will find vampires and werewolves roaming in their natural habitat. Included in the space ship will be a high-powered zoom lens camera. I expect you to bring back cool pictures.

Last Edited by Crystalmethod on 12/13/2015 03:17 AM
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of GLP.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 69999141
Singapore
12/13/2015 03:17 AM
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Re: All I want for Christmas
Santa will have none to spare. It's all for the reindeer, need to keep them flying you know!
 Quoting: Zuzu


They actually all sit in a circle and smoke meth out of santas peace pipe for that...
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 69999141
Singapore
12/13/2015 03:19 AM
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Re: All I want for Christmas
...


Stop making excuses for him!
Everyone knows Santa spikes the reindeer feed with crystal meth, so they go all night without rest :)

He just tries to keep that weed for himself and the elves so they don't rebel against his hard labour.
 Quoting: Crystalmethod


Hey, stop destroying my childhood idols. Everyone knows that Santa's nose is so red because of the cocaine! The weed is for the day after Christmas! I can only imagine what is cooked into all those cookies that the elves eat. Surely their kitchen smells like an old Bob Marley concert.
 Quoting: Zuzu


My apologies, I thought Santa just had snow on his beard. The truth has been exposed!
 Quoting: Crystalmethod


Yep, all that snow on his beard is what puts the twinkle in his eye.
 Quoting: Zuzu


But if it came down to it would you let old santi clause go down on you??? I heard santa also started the eatin ass fetish too.. what would you do if santa wanted to do you???
Zuzu

User ID: 70218245
United States
12/13/2015 03:34 AM
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Re: All I want for Christmas
...


Hey, stop destroying my childhood idols. Everyone knows that Santa's nose is so red because of the cocaine! The weed is for the day after Christmas! I can only imagine what is cooked into all those cookies that the elves eat. Surely their kitchen smells like an old Bob Marley concert.
 Quoting: Zuzu


My apologies, I thought Santa just had snow on his beard. The truth has been exposed!
 Quoting: Crystalmethod


Yep, all that snow on his beard is what puts the twinkle in his eye.
 Quoting: Zuzu


But if it came down to it would you let old santi clause go down on you??? I heard santa also started the eatin ass fetish too.. what would you do if santa wanted to do you???
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 69999141


Nope, and he can keep his yule log and sugarplums to himself as well. He's a married man after all and I am not a home wrecker. Can you imagine the child support for all of those elves?
Proud to share the basket with you.
Kai (VALIS)

User ID: 19402590
United States
12/13/2015 03:37 AM
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Re: All I want for Christmas
Dear Crispin Chipner,

Due to the fact that Santa Claus is no longer real (because of complications arising from the latter half of The Philadelphia Experiment and Project: Rainbow), we have been instructed by the US Air Force Office of Special Investigations to take over "his" regularly scheduled gift delivery service.

This is what you (and every other "human") will be receiving for Christmas for the next 3759366202685926 years or until the planet "earth" is no longer a viable setting for life to exist:

GreyBox
 Quoting: Kai (VALIS)


Dear Kai,
It was unfortunate that the experiments did not work out as planned and Santa was eliminated from the time wave continuum. Hence from the age of three I set about to construct my own time machine made from a box of cheerio's, some copper I stripped from an old radio and some cubic zirconia taken from my mums jewellery box.

By the age of 33 I had completed my machine and went back to when the dinosaurs roamed, approximately 2400 years ago.

There I found Santa barricaded in a cave hiding from T-Rex. I offered to take Santa back on one condition, he would never again let kids sit on his lap and offer them candy.

Santa complied and I brought him to an alternate time line. He still has to compete with the Box, otherwise known as the TV, but he has copious amounts of amphetamines which we also brought back from the year 1973.

Santa also contracted an STD from that year and is being blackmailed by Magic Johnson & Eddie Murphy who have the cure.

Together Santa, Easter bunny and Stephen Hawkins have theorised earth will be non viable in the next 12 years, again voiding the contract I have with him to salt his sled way.

I also requested that Santa deliver you a space ship that has the capabilities to fly to the planets Mars & Venus. There you will find vampires and werewolves roaming in their natural habitat. Included in the space ship will be a high-powered zoom lens camera. I expect you to bring back cool pictures.
 Quoting: Crystalmethod


Acknowledged.

I will reconfigure the hyperspacial warp module to account for transdimensional flux. We were unaware of your recent foray into the whole general sort of mish-mash. But certain anomalies which we recently observed (the microwave oven consciousness event shifted to around 29364927 protoyears too early, among other things) led to a fair amount of speculation as to a possible flux event. McRandorgabb Fluggrosh suggested that you may have been moving around on the Z axis again.

Hopefully the goddamned ATIC spooks will return my ship. In the meantime I will very much appreciate the gift you requested from Santa Claws. I will snap some quality vamp photos for you.
- The Spider Kid
Crystalmethod  (OP)

User ID: 68860410
Australia
12/13/2015 03:40 AM
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Re: All I want for Christmas
...


My apologies, I thought Santa just had snow on his beard. The truth has been exposed!
 Quoting: Crystalmethod


Yep, all that snow on his beard is what puts the twinkle in his eye.
 Quoting: Zuzu


But if it came down to it would you let old santi clause go down on you??? I heard santa also started the eatin ass fetish too.. what would you do if santa wanted to do you???
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 69999141


Nope, and he can keep his yule log and sugarplums to himself as well. He's a married man after all and I am not a home wrecker. Can you imagine the child support for all of those elves?
 Quoting: Zuzu


The child support is covered by Polecare Insurance. In return the elves make special toys for Mrs Claus, so that Santa can attend his Bukkake parties in the North.
I hear he is quite the swinger, has a huge sack and comes more than once a year like we are led to believe.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of GLP.
Crystalmethod  (OP)

User ID: 68860410
Australia
12/13/2015 03:48 AM
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Re: All I want for Christmas
Dear Crispin Chipner,

Due to the fact that Santa Claus is no longer real (because of complications arising from the latter half of The Philadelphia Experiment and Project: Rainbow), we have been instructed by the US Air Force Office of Special Investigations to take over "his" regularly scheduled gift delivery service.

This is what you (and every other "human") will be receiving for Christmas for the next 3759366202685926 years or until the planet "earth" is no longer a viable setting for life to exist:

GreyBox
 Quoting: Kai (VALIS)


Dear Kai,
It was unfortunate that the experiments did not work out as planned and Santa was eliminated from the time wave continuum. Hence from the age of three I set about to construct my own time machine made from a box of cheerio's, some copper I stripped from an old radio and some cubic zirconia taken from my mums jewellery box.

By the age of 33 I had completed my machine and went back to when the dinosaurs roamed, approximately 2400 years ago.

There I found Santa barricaded in a cave hiding from T-Rex. I offered to take Santa back on one condition, he would never again let kids sit on his lap and offer them candy.

Santa complied and I brought him to an alternate time line. He still has to compete with the Box, otherwise known as the TV, but he has copious amounts of amphetamines which we also brought back from the year 1973.

Santa also contracted an STD from that year and is being blackmailed by Magic Johnson & Eddie Murphy who have the cure.

Together Santa, Easter bunny and Stephen Hawkins have theorised earth will be non viable in the next 12 years, again voiding the contract I have with him to salt his sled way.

I also requested that Santa deliver you a space ship that has the capabilities to fly to the planets Mars & Venus. There you will find vampires and werewolves roaming in their natural habitat. Included in the space ship will be a high-powered zoom lens camera. I expect you to bring back cool pictures.
 Quoting: Crystalmethod


Acknowledged.

I will reconfigure the hyperspacial warp module to account for transdimensional flux. We were unaware of your recent foray into the whole general sort of mish-mash. But certain anomalies which we recently observed (the microwave oven consciousness event shifted to around 29364927 protoyears too early, among other things) led to a fair amount of speculation as to a possible flux event. McRandorgabb Fluggrosh suggested that you may have been moving around on the Z axis again.

Hopefully the goddamned ATIC spooks will return my ship. In the meantime I will very much appreciate the gift you requested from Santa Claws. I will snap some quality vamp photos for you.
 Quoting: Kai (VALIS)


Dear Kai,
I appreciate your detailed analysis of the situation. In hindsight using cheerio's instead of coco pops was a mistake.

I hope you are able to correct the unforseen paradox of woman needing to sit down to pee.

Please also get some snap shots of the werewolves, but be on the lookout for Captain Cryptard of the SS RI. I hear she is also gathering DNA to create the yellow wolf hybrid to bring back as a pet on earth. This could be catastrophic to the pubicisous Hare species and green Rabbits who spend all year round in the warrens of the west.

Last Edited by Crystalmethod on 12/13/2015 03:49 AM
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of GLP.
Zuzu

User ID: 70218245
United States
12/13/2015 03:58 AM
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Re: All I want for Christmas
...


Yep, all that snow on his beard is what puts the twinkle in his eye.
 Quoting: Zuzu


But if it came down to it would you let old santi clause go down on you??? I heard santa also started the eatin ass fetish too.. what would you do if santa wanted to do you???
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 69999141


Nope, and he can keep his yule log and sugarplums to himself as well. He's a married man after all and I am not a home wrecker. Can you imagine the child support for all of those elves?
 Quoting: Zuzu


The child support is covered by Polecare Insurance. In return the elves make special toys for Mrs Claus, so that Santa can attend his Bukkake parties in the North.
I hear he is quite the swinger, has a huge sack and comes more than once a year like we are led to believe.
 Quoting: Crystalmethod


Polecare, is that a subsidiary of Obama care? If so that in itself might cover Mrs. Clauses toys! And speaking of poles, with all those extracurricular activities Mr. Clause is engaging in I hope that he is adequately gift wrapping so as not to risk loosing the jungle in his balls.
Proud to share the basket with you.
Zuzu

User ID: 70218245
United States
12/13/2015 04:02 AM
Report Abusive Post
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Re: All I want for Christmas
Dear Crispin Chipner,

Due to the fact that Santa Claus is no longer real (because of complications arising from the latter half of The Philadelphia Experiment and Project: Rainbow), we have been instructed by the US Air Force Office of Special Investigations to take over "his" regularly scheduled gift delivery service.

This is what you (and every other "human") will be receiving for Christmas for the next 3759366202685926 years or until the planet "earth" is no longer a viable setting for life to exist:

GreyBox
 Quoting: Kai (VALIS)


Dear Kai,
It was unfortunate that the experiments did not work out as planned and Santa was eliminated from the time wave continuum. Hence from the age of three I set about to construct my own time machine made from a box of cheerio's, some copper I stripped from an old radio and some cubic zirconia taken from my mums jewellery box.

By the age of 33 I had completed my machine and went back to when the dinosaurs roamed, approximately 2400 years ago.

There I found Santa barricaded in a cave hiding from T-Rex. I offered to take Santa back on one condition, he would never again let kids sit on his lap and offer them candy.

Santa complied and I brought him to an alternate time line. He still has to compete with the Box, otherwise known as the TV, but he has copious amounts of amphetamines which we also brought back from the year 1973.

Santa also contracted an STD from that year and is being blackmailed by Magic Johnson & Eddie Murphy who have the cure.

Together Santa, Easter bunny and Stephen Hawkins have theorised earth will be non viable in the next 12 years, again voiding the contract I have with him to salt his sled way.

I also requested that Santa deliver you a space ship that has the capabilities to fly to the planets Mars & Venus. There you will find vampires and werewolves roaming in their natural habitat. Included in the space ship will be a high-powered zoom lens camera. I expect you to bring back cool pictures.
 Quoting: Crystalmethod


Acknowledged.

I will reconfigure the hyperspacial warp module to account for transdimensional flux. We were unaware of your recent foray into the whole general sort of mish-mash. But certain anomalies which we recently observed (the microwave oven consciousness event shifted to around 29364927 protoyears too early, among other things) led to a fair amount of speculation as to a possible flux event. McRandorgabb Fluggrosh suggested that you may have been moving around on the Z axis again.

Hopefully the goddamned ATIC spooks will return my ship. In the meantime I will very much appreciate the gift you requested from Santa Claws. I will snap some quality vamp photos for you.
 Quoting: Kai (VALIS)


Dear Kai,
I appreciate your detailed analysis of the situation. In hindsight using cheerio's instead of coco pops was a mistake.

I hope you are able to correct the unforseen paradox of woman needing to sit down to pee.

Please also get some snap shots of the werewolves, but be on the lookout for Captain Cryptard of the SS RI. I hear she is also gathering DNA to create the yellow wolf hybrid to bring back as a pet on earth. This could be catastrophic to the pubicisous Hare species and green Rabbits who spend all year round in the warrens of the west.
 Quoting: Crystalmethod


The heck with what Santa is delivering, I want some of what y'all are on! Can't tell you how much I've enjoyed reading your conversation here. Very educational and a bit terrifying.
Proud to share the basket with you.
Crystalmethod  (OP)

User ID: 68860410
Australia
12/13/2015 04:18 AM
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Re: All I want for Christmas
...


But if it came down to it would you let old santi clause go down on you??? I heard santa also started the eatin ass fetish too.. what would you do if santa wanted to do you???
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 69999141


Nope, and he can keep his yule log and sugarplums to himself as well. He's a married man after all and I am not a home wrecker. Can you imagine the child support for all of those elves?
 Quoting: Zuzu


The child support is covered by Polecare Insurance. In return the elves make special toys for Mrs Claus, so that Santa can attend his Bukkake parties in the North.
I hear he is quite the swinger, has a huge sack and comes more than once a year like we are led to believe.
 Quoting: Crystalmethod


Polecare, is that a subsidiary of Obama care? If so that in itself might cover Mrs. Clauses toys! And speaking of poles, with all those extracurricular activities Mr. Clause is engaging in I hope that he is adequately gift wrapping so as not to risk loosing the jungle in his balls.
 Quoting: Zuzu


Dear Zuzu,
I am led to believe Santa rides the slay without first covering the seats with anti frosticular wrap.
For years the elves have been encouraging him to use the wrap as he is always complaining about the blue ball jungle rumble.

The Polecare is a subsidiary of Obamacare, which is a subsidiary of Medicare, which is a subsidiary of Gates & Zucker Plucker incorporated which does cover Mrs Claus adequately and the shows she provides for the elves keep them on their toes. For reasons I cannot I disclose at this point in time.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of GLP.
Crystalmethod  (OP)

User ID: 68860410
Australia
12/13/2015 04:29 AM
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Re: All I want for Christmas
...


Dear Kai,
It was unfortunate that the experiments did not work out as planned and Santa was eliminated from the time wave continuum. Hence from the age of three I set about to construct my own time machine made from a box of cheerio's, some copper I stripped from an old radio and some cubic zirconia taken from my mums jewellery box.

By the age of 33 I had completed my machine and went back to when the dinosaurs roamed, approximately 2400 years ago.

There I found Santa barricaded in a cave hiding from T-Rex. I offered to take Santa back on one condition, he would never again let kids sit on his lap and offer them candy.

Santa complied and I brought him to an alternate time line. He still has to compete with the Box, otherwise known as the TV, but he has copious amounts of amphetamines which we also brought back from the year 1973.

Santa also contracted an STD from that year and is being blackmailed by Magic Johnson & Eddie Murphy who have the cure.

Together Santa, Easter bunny and Stephen Hawkins have theorised earth will be non viable in the next 12 years, again voiding the contract I have with him to salt his sled way.

I also requested that Santa deliver you a space ship that has the capabilities to fly to the planets Mars & Venus. There you will find vampires and werewolves roaming in their natural habitat. Included in the space ship will be a high-powered zoom lens camera. I expect you to bring back cool pictures.
 Quoting: Crystalmethod


Acknowledged.

I will reconfigure the hyperspacial warp module to account for transdimensional flux. We were unaware of your recent foray into the whole general sort of mish-mash. But certain anomalies which we recently observed (the microwave oven consciousness event shifted to around 29364927 protoyears too early, among other things) led to a fair amount of speculation as to a possible flux event. McRandorgabb Fluggrosh suggested that you may have been moving around on the Z axis again.

Hopefully the goddamned ATIC spooks will return my ship. In the meantime I will very much appreciate the gift you requested from Santa Claws. I will snap some quality vamp photos for you.
 Quoting: Kai (VALIS)


Dear Kai,
I appreciate your detailed analysis of the situation. In hindsight using cheerio's instead of coco pops was a mistake.

I hope you are able to correct the unforseen paradox of woman needing to sit down to pee.

Please also get some snap shots of the werewolves, but be on the lookout for Captain Cryptard of the SS RI. I hear she is also gathering DNA to create the yellow wolf hybrid to bring back as a pet on earth. This could be catastrophic to the pubicisous Hare species and green Rabbits who spend all year round in the warrens of the west.
 Quoting: Crystalmethod


The heck with what Santa is delivering, I want some of what y'all are on! Can't tell you how much I've enjoyed reading your conversation here. Very educational and a bit terrifying.
 Quoting: Zuzu


Thanks!
In fairness, this fun has been an equal contribution for all participating parties.
Without you bringing the spice, there was little life.
Kai got me cracking up and you have allowed me to almost pee my pants. Almost, but I did drain the tear ducts from lolzinos. Lolzinos is a new cosmically designed, air released formula. Side effect include busting out the inner child.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of GLP.
Kai (VALIS)

User ID: 19402590
United States
12/13/2015 04:30 AM
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Re: All I want for Christmas
Dear Crispin Chipner,

Due to the fact that Santa Claus is no longer real (because of complications arising from the latter half of The Philadelphia Experiment and Project: Rainbow), we have been instructed by the US Air Force Office of Special Investigations to take over "his" regularly scheduled gift delivery service.

This is what you (and every other "human") will be receiving for Christmas for the next 3759366202685926 years or until the planet "earth" is no longer a viable setting for life to exist:

GreyBox
 Quoting: Kai (VALIS)


Dear Kai,
It was unfortunate that the experiments did not work out as planned and Santa was eliminated from the time wave continuum. Hence from the age of three I set about to construct my own time machine made from a box of cheerio's, some copper I stripped from an old radio and some cubic zirconia taken from my mums jewellery box.

By the age of 33 I had completed my machine and went back to when the dinosaurs roamed, approximately 2400 years ago.

There I found Santa barricaded in a cave hiding from T-Rex. I offered to take Santa back on one condition, he would never again let kids sit on his lap and offer them candy.

Santa complied and I brought him to an alternate time line. He still has to compete with the Box, otherwise known as the TV, but he has copious amounts of amphetamines which we also brought back from the year 1973.

Santa also contracted an STD from that year and is being blackmailed by Magic Johnson & Eddie Murphy who have the cure.

Together Santa, Easter bunny and Stephen Hawkins have theorised earth will be non viable in the next 12 years, again voiding the contract I have with him to salt his sled way.

I also requested that Santa deliver you a space ship that has the capabilities to fly to the planets Mars & Venus. There you will find vampires and werewolves roaming in their natural habitat. Included in the space ship will be a high-powered zoom lens camera. I expect you to bring back cool pictures.
 Quoting: Crystalmethod


Acknowledged.

I will reconfigure the hyperspacial warp module to account for transdimensional flux. We were unaware of your recent foray into the whole general sort of mish-mash. But certain anomalies which we recently observed (the microwave oven consciousness event shifted to around 29364927 protoyears too early, among other things) led to a fair amount of speculation as to a possible flux event. McRandorgabb Fluggrosh suggested that you may have been moving around on the Z axis again.

Hopefully the goddamned ATIC spooks will return my ship. In the meantime I will very much appreciate the gift you requested from Santa Claws. I will snap some quality vamp photos for you.
 Quoting: Kai (VALIS)


Dear Kai,
I appreciate your detailed analysis of the situation. In hindsight using cheerio's instead of coco pops was a mistake.

I hope you are able to correct the unforseen paradox of woman needing to sit down to pee.

Please also get some snap shots of the werewolves, but be on the lookout for Captain Cryptard of the SS RI. I hear she is also gathering DNA to create the yellow wolf hybrid to bring back as a pet on earth. This could be catastrophic to the pubicisous Hare species and green Rabbits who spend all year round in the warrens of the west.
 Quoting: Crystalmethod


Crispin,

Your intel is appreciated and will serve most useful as always. Captain Cryptard was indeed sighted by Minzger Slinkbiln Carpleplutz on Vorvoosal XIII last Yirpday. Likely the Captain was doing an initial survey prior to capturing several Yellow Wolf Hybrid specimens for shipment back to earth. It is collaborative efforts like these that give us hope for the past since we all know what happens in the future.

You can expect snapshots of the werewolves (and perhaps even werebears, if our luck holds) by the day before tomorrow. The vampire photographs will be filed and faxed shortly thereafter to your address on Haploplaplitz B.
- The Spider Kid
Zuzu

User ID: 70218245
United States
12/13/2015 04:50 AM
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Re: All I want for Christmas
...


Acknowledged.

I will reconfigure the hyperspacial warp module to account for transdimensional flux. We were unaware of your recent foray into the whole general sort of mish-mash. But certain anomalies which we recently observed (the microwave oven consciousness event shifted to around 29364927 protoyears too early, among other things) led to a fair amount of speculation as to a possible flux event. McRandorgabb Fluggrosh suggested that you may have been moving around on the Z axis again.

Hopefully the goddamned ATIC spooks will return my ship. In the meantime I will very much appreciate the gift you requested from Santa Claws. I will snap some quality vamp photos for you.
 Quoting: Kai (VALIS)


Dear Kai,
I appreciate your detailed analysis of the situation. In hindsight using cheerio's instead of coco pops was a mistake.

I hope you are able to correct the unforseen paradox of woman needing to sit down to pee.

Please also get some snap shots of the werewolves, but be on the lookout for Captain Cryptard of the SS RI. I hear she is also gathering DNA to create the yellow wolf hybrid to bring back as a pet on earth. This could be catastrophic to the pubicisous Hare species and green Rabbits who spend all year round in the warrens of the west.
 Quoting: Crystalmethod


The heck with what Santa is delivering, I want some of what y'all are on! Can't tell you how much I've enjoyed reading your conversation here. Very educational and a bit terrifying.
 Quoting: Zuzu


Thanks!
In fairness, this fun has been an equal contribution for all participating parties.
Without you bringing the spice, there was little life.
Kai got me cracking up and you have allowed me to almost pee my pants. Almost, but I did drain the tear ducts from lolzinos. Lolzinos is a new cosmically designed, air released formula. Side effect include busting out the inner child.
 Quoting: Crystalmethod


I think it might not hurt to check my depends as well!

My son (18) just woke up and asked me what I keep laughing at. I had him read the thread and he has determined that we will all be getting coal for Christmas! He also threatened to put me in an asylum but he does that weekly so I'm not terribly worried. Although if I do disappear please start searching for me at the local booby hatch and no, I'm not talking about the gentlemen's club.

I was wondering why my inner child has been making an appearance more often than usual, now I know. To be honest though for me it's more like my inner adult occasionally burst out. I shamefully admit that I am simply not very good at adulting and my sense of humor is stuck in adolescence.
Proud to share the basket with you.
Crystalmethod  (OP)

User ID: 68860410
Australia
12/13/2015 04:59 AM
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Re: All I want for Christmas
Dear crew of the Enterhysterics,
Something you should know that is of vital consequence that I have not disclosed yet.

Whilst back in 1973 with Santa, I ejaculated into a hermetically sealed jar and left in in a freezer with the note saying.

Dear <retracted name> I have left you this jar of sperm so that on the date <retracted date> you can inseminate <retracted name>. If you do not do exactly as I have instructed the world will end on December 21, 2012.

When I returned to my own time line in the correct year, I received an email from Chuck Norris saying Fuck you.

It appeared I had gained one up on him and became my own father, brother and son.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of GLP.





GLP