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All I want for Christmas

 
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 71022610
Netherlands
12/13/2015 05:12 AM
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Re: All I want for Christmas
Without calendar...
Crystalmethod  (OP)

User ID: 68860410
Australia
12/13/2015 07:54 AM
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Re: All I want for Christmas
Without calendar...
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 71022610


Dear AC Netherlands,
I discovered at the age of 18 that by combining fried rice from Rills takeaway with the cubic zirconia from mums jewellery box that I could create the Delorean calendar.

This proved to be more accurate then both the Julian & the Gregorian except I kept eating the rice. This proved to be my biggest obstacle.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of GLP.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 12700479
Canada
12/13/2015 07:56 AM
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Re: All I want for Christmas
all I want for Christmas is some risotto, and my two front teef
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 12700479
Canada
12/13/2015 07:56 AM
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Re: All I want for Christmas
all I want for Christmas is some risotto, and my two front teef
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 12700479


that's a Canadian joke, sry
Crystalmethod  (OP)

User ID: 68860410
Australia
12/13/2015 08:10 AM
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Re: All I want for Christmas
all I want for Christmas is some risotto, and my two front teef
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 12700479


that's a Canadian joke, sry
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 12700479


Dear AC Canada,
Yes, the joke is impressive to say the least. I have been corresponding with Ron Jeremy who will attest, it is best without teeth, although he warned me that it ruined his career as a porn star. He assured me that he was happy working as pizza delivery man though.

I sent Santa another letter requesting that Ron receive a hedgehog for Christmas.

I did not specify between the chocolate or the animal so I am not sure what Ron will receive.

I also fear Santa is overloaded with requests for Ninja Turtles and Transformers that he might not get around to all my letters.

I am sending Kai a transmission via the Star Trek fart smone to insist that Santa upgrade to emails, using the pole prancer net space service.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of GLP.
Crystalmethod  (OP)

User ID: 68860410
Australia
12/13/2015 09:27 AM
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Re: All I want for Christmas
...


Dear Kai,
It was unfortunate that the experiments did not work out as planned and Santa was eliminated from the time wave continuum. Hence from the age of three I set about to construct my own time machine made from a box of cheerio's, some copper I stripped from an old radio and some cubic zirconia taken from my mums jewellery box.

By the age of 33 I had completed my machine and went back to when the dinosaurs roamed, approximately 2400 years ago.

There I found Santa barricaded in a cave hiding from T-Rex. I offered to take Santa back on one condition, he would never again let kids sit on his lap and offer them candy.

Santa complied and I brought him to an alternate time line. He still has to compete with the Box, otherwise known as the TV, but he has copious amounts of amphetamines which we also brought back from the year 1973.

Santa also contracted an STD from that year and is being blackmailed by Magic Johnson & Eddie Murphy who have the cure.

Together Santa, Easter bunny and Stephen Hawkins have theorised earth will be non viable in the next 12 years, again voiding the contract I have with him to salt his sled way.

I also requested that Santa deliver you a space ship that has the capabilities to fly to the planets Mars & Venus. There you will find vampires and werewolves roaming in their natural habitat. Included in the space ship will be a high-powered zoom lens camera. I expect you to bring back cool pictures.
 Quoting: Crystalmethod


Acknowledged.

I will reconfigure the hyperspacial warp module to account for transdimensional flux. We were unaware of your recent foray into the whole general sort of mish-mash. But certain anomalies which we recently observed (the microwave oven consciousness event shifted to around 29364927 protoyears too early, among other things) led to a fair amount of speculation as to a possible flux event. McRandorgabb Fluggrosh suggested that you may have been moving around on the Z axis again.

Hopefully the goddamned ATIC spooks will return my ship. In the meantime I will very much appreciate the gift you requested from Santa Claws. I will snap some quality vamp photos for you.
 Quoting: Kai (VALIS)


Dear Kai,
I appreciate your detailed analysis of the situation. In hindsight using cheerio's instead of coco pops was a mistake.

I hope you are able to correct the unforseen paradox of woman needing to sit down to pee.

Please also get some snap shots of the werewolves, but be on the lookout for Captain Cryptard of the SS RI. I hear she is also gathering DNA to create the yellow wolf hybrid to bring back as a pet on earth. This could be catastrophic to the pubicisous Hare species and green Rabbits who spend all year round in the warrens of the west.
 Quoting: Crystalmethod


Crispin,

Your intel is appreciated and will serve most useful as always. Captain Cryptard was indeed sighted by Minzger Slinkbiln Carpleplutz on Vorvoosal XIII last Yirpday. Likely the Captain was doing an initial survey prior to capturing several Yellow Wolf Hybrid specimens for shipment back to earth. It is collaborative efforts like these that give us hope for the past since we all know what happens in the future.

You can expect snapshots of the werewolves (and perhaps even werebears, if our luck holds) by the day before tomorrow. The vampire photographs will be filed and faxed shortly thereafter to your address on Haploplaplitz B.
 Quoting: Kai (VALIS)


Dear Kai,
I cant wait for those photographs of vampires to be released. I never did figure out how to capture their image but I suspected that it might have something to do with needing more peng.

I have never seen a werebear myself, I have only heard rumours of their existence. I think, if it is not too much trouble that you bring one home for a pet. I don't want to trouble Santa for this.

I will take good care of it and feed it politicians three times a day. According to an ancient text I found buried within a hustler magazine signed by Hugh himself, politicians talk a lot of shit and this is good nutrient for most interplanetary creatures as the e-coli bacteria is required for digesting 3rd density organic material.

As you might know I had to leave Haploplapitz B when I was two due to farting being banned and it was something I was not prepared to give up. I am now located on Earth B however I have family there who rout my mail here.

I look forward to those cool pictures.

Last Edited by Crystalmethod on 12/13/2015 10:46 AM
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of GLP.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 68818092
United States
12/13/2015 10:58 AM
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Re: All I want for Christmas
All I want is for my ear to stop itching, have everything else material I could want for the moment.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 69875794
United States
12/13/2015 11:09 AM
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Re: All I want for Christmas
I used to love me some pot. Thought it was different than other drugs, and my soon-to-be ex-husband said he did, too. Every now and then it made me lazy, so I'd throw it out, vowing to quit. Whole eighths at times- he'd be so pissed.

I never understood why he wanted me to smoke so much. I mean, he said I was calmer stoned, and gave better blow jobs. But man, he really seemed to want me to do it.

Then one day I was sitting in my usual spot in our car port, toking a joint. I looked up and saw a strange glare- it was a surveillance camera. The bastard needed dirt on me. Why? Well, as it turns out, he was doing something much worse- meth.

So we're going through a divorce. I demanded he drug test if he wants to see the kids. He demanded I test, too. My lawyer refused. I'm pretty sure the judge took that to mean I'm tweaking, too- or maybe he thinks pot's just as bad, who knows.

Point is- my ex is a loser on 100% disability for PTSD- can't even take care of himself. And he's a tweaker. I'm a straight A student and one hell of a mom- and pot's put me in the same class as him.

Don't do it. It's not worth it. I'd do anything to go back in time and change that I ever smoked it.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 70609634
United States
12/13/2015 01:55 PM
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Re: All I want for Christmas
I want a hippopotamus
ShallowGravy

User ID: 70579022
United States
12/13/2015 02:32 PM
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Re: All I want for Christmas
this

[link to www.ebay.com] <--

:bfts:
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 67370516
United States
12/13/2015 03:09 PM
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Re: All I want for Christmas
Dear Crispin Chipner,

Due to the fact that Santa Claus is no longer real (because of complications arising from the latter half of The Philadelphia Experiment and Project: Rainbow), we have been instructed by the US Air Force Office of Special Investigations to take over "his" regularly scheduled gift delivery service.

This is what you (and every other "human") will be receiving for Christmas for the next 3759366202685926 years or until the planet "earth" is no longer a viable setting for life to exist:

:GreyBox:
 Quoting: Kai (VALIS)


What, Pandora's?

I like warm and fuzzys better than black boxes I think.

but I'll take what I can get. My life remains interesting always. Good thing, too, otherwise, good, bad, or indifferent, I guess I wouldn't have one.

Saint Nick, you know what I want.

and Project Rainbow?

sometimes one has to arc themselves is all.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 70732847
United States
12/13/2015 03:10 PM
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Re: All I want for Christmas
Those are some scary teeth.
 Quoting: Anonymous-Girl


:ifixtooth:
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 67370516
United States
12/13/2015 04:25 PM
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Re: All I want for Christmas
drill baby drill
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 70388230
Canada
12/13/2015 04:34 PM
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Re: All I want for Christmas
All I want for Christmas is a cabin in the woods. I don't want or need it to be big. Just a cozy little, rustic cabin.

I've been pretty nice this year...
Crystalmethod  (OP)

User ID: 68860410
Australia
12/13/2015 06:45 PM
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Re: All I want for Christmas
All I want for Christmas is a cabin in the woods. I don't want or need it to be big. Just a cozy little, rustic cabin.

I've been pretty nice this year...
 Quoting: Anonymous-Girl


Dear AG,
Santa took me on a sleigh ride last night and we went past this little cabin in the woods.
I think it would be perfect however there is a big bad wolf living in it. I asked for a closer look but he refused and explained what happened to red riding hood.

I am going home to work on my shrink ray so that when I return to clean out the cabin I can make a mini wolf, which I will then stick inside my hamster wheel to generate power for my electric fan.

Currently Santa is not taking anymore requests for Christmas however I also suspect that he peruses GLP and may come across your request. Depending on how much cocaine Santa has snorted, you still might get your request.

Last Edited by Crystalmethod on 12/13/2015 06:49 PM
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of GLP.
Crystalmethod  (OP)

User ID: 68860410
Australia
12/13/2015 06:48 PM
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Re: All I want for Christmas
I used to love me some pot. Thought it was different than other drugs, and my soon-to-be ex-husband said he did, too. Every now and then it made me lazy, so I'd throw it out, vowing to quit. Whole eighths at times- he'd be so pissed.

I never understood why he wanted me to smoke so much. I mean, he said I was calmer stoned, and gave better blow jobs. But man, he really seemed to want me to do it.

Then one day I was sitting in my usual spot in our car port, toking a joint. I looked up and saw a strange glare- it was a surveillance camera. The bastard needed dirt on me. Why? Well, as it turns out, he was doing something much worse- meth.

So we're going through a divorce. I demanded he drug test if he wants to see the kids. He demanded I test, too. My lawyer refused. I'm pretty sure the judge took that to mean I'm tweaking, too- or maybe he thinks pot's just as bad, who knows.

Point is- my ex is a loser on 100% disability for PTSD- can't even take care of himself. And he's a tweaker. I'm a straight A student and one hell of a mom- and pot's put me in the same class as him.

Don't do it. It's not worth it. I'd do anything to go back in time and change that I ever smoked it.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 69875794


Dear heart felt story AC,
Sounds like what you need for Christmas is a man to practice those good blow jobs on.

Currently I have an extensive line up for me, however I know this guy on GLP who has never had sex. You would be perfect.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of GLP.
Crystalmethod  (OP)

User ID: 68860410
Australia
12/15/2015 12:11 AM
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Re: All I want for Christmas
Dear unknown subject,
I have requested personally from Santa's little helper, known as Levi, to bring extra Christmas cheer to someone on GLP.

This person cannot be named due to resulting jizz that will form around their <retracted>, however the cheer should include a bundle basket containing the following items;

4 x SpongeBob cupcakes with chocolate icing, rainbow sprinkles included.
1 x Two liter bottle of Wild Turkey rare breed bourbon.
2 x M&M cookies with hash flakes from subwoofer.
And finally
1 x Monopoly get out of jail free card.

I also placed a request to send Rick a roll, containing ham and cheese and the following note attached:
Never gonna eat you up
Never gonna shit you out
Never gonna go stale and salmonella you
Never gonna make you spew
Never gonna taste this good
Never gonna swallow before you chew


Last Edited by Crystalmethod on 12/15/2015 12:12 AM
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of GLP.
Sol-tari

User ID: 47939715
Australia
12/22/2015 03:43 AM
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Re: All I want for Christmas
Dear unknown subject,
I have requested personally from Santa's little helper, known as Levi, to bring extra Christmas cheer to someone on GLP.

This person cannot be named due to resulting jizz that will form around their <retracted>, however the cheer should include a bundle basket containing the following items;

4 x SpongeBob cupcakes with chocolate icing, rainbow sprinkles included.
1 x Two liter bottle of Wild Turkey rare breed bourbon.
2 x M&M cookies with hash flakes from subwoofer.
And finally
1 x Monopoly get out of jail free card.

I also placed a request to send Rick a roll, containing ham and cheese and the following note attached:
Never gonna eat you up
Never gonna shit you out
Never gonna go stale and salmonella you
Never gonna make you spew
Never gonna taste this good
Never gonna swallow before you chew

 Quoting: Crystalmethod



Wanderer





GLP