Dear Crispin Chipner,

Due to the fact that Santa Claus is no longer real (because of complications arising from the latter half of The Philadelphia Experiment and Project: Rainbow), we have been instructed by the US Air Force Office of Special Investigations to take over "his" regularly scheduled gift delivery service.

This is what you (and every other "human") will be receiving for Christmas for the next 3759366202685926 years or until the planet "earth" is no longer a viable setting for life to exist: