Newly single dad of 6 mos after 20 years of marriage. How do I relate to my kids?

Oh, jesus. Does anyone have any remedy for this pain? Maybe a song, a youtube video? Please, help.




I'm so sorry. I wish I had some words of advice. You are not alone I feel your pain. Parents can be such shits. xx

Retards on Ice! --->

I'm so sorry. I wish I had some words of advice. You are not alone I feel your pain. Parents can be such shits. xx


Listen to this!

It's gonna take a lotta love
To change the way things are.
It's gonna take a lotta love
Or we won't get too far
So if you look in my direction
And we don't see eye to eye,

The most important thing you can do for them is be there for them. Show up when you're supposed to, don't push then off for other interests. Be consistent and be present in their lives

Cooking is the answer OP. You will be doing something fun with them and also they will learn how to cook and bake.

It's hard to keep your husband and kids happy if you have no clue how to cook anything. This is something all girls should learn how to do unless they plan on making a ton of money and can hire someone to cook for their husband and kids.

Uhhh.... sorry. I just checked Amazon and they are out of stock.

I had a movie idea I wanted to get produced, it would have grossed billions, but none of the cool kids wanted to get onboard and it never got made.
The working title was Retards in Heat.

People have no imaginations.

Quote from OP

She was a lousy wife, but a good mom.

Op, that was the most important to me, you were able to see things in perspective.

Keep that honesty, and realize that no one is perfect, not you
, not your wife and not your kids.

Its like having a clear view on things, not to feel the peer group pressure to plot a new course in the mist.

Prove to them your ex is a cunt....and throw money at them....

Holy hell you just diagnossed my ex.

I have a 17 yr old daughter that I struggle to relate to as well. I have been divorced for almost a decade.

My only advice is patience and be consitent. Do what's right ALWAYS. Never ever let them hear you critize your ex. They are a part of her and any dig on her is a dig on them.

Also a tool I have recently used is just a simple, heart fealt, hand written letter. Sounds corny but has worked wonders..

The force be with you

Absolutely DO NOT do that unless you want to rain WWIII on your household. Not the time to introduce a new gal, AT ALL.

Your kids are at the age, they aren't going to want to play board games with Dad after school.

They'll go to their rooms or engage in something OTHER than talking to you, will almost guarantee it. They need time to themselves to think/grieve without Dad trying to tell them how to think or grieve.

I would immediately set up a counseling session 1x a week with a qualified family counselor, just for them (separate from you), and then I'd just go with whatever the counselor suggested.

This is a tricky time and their ages, OMG, teens...worst age (IMO) for this to happen, sorry. I'd just let them be for now (no pressure) until you can talk to a counselor on "relating" to them.

You have my condolences.

LMAO --- Unfortunately, imho, this is probably the best advice I've seen so far for where they are at in this "story"; they'd LOVE it. What kid wouldn't? They'd be saying thanks Dad, we had a great time (thinking: without you) ha!

Last Edited by InTheGLPHood on 12/19/2015 01:27 PM

I snuck it in, but that was my actual advice to the man.
Girls that age do not want to discuss stuff like "How was school?" or "meet any cute boys?" with their dads.
They need to enjoy a taste of freedom at his house, then maybe take them out to eat on a Sunday.

They're touchy about telling secrets to parents anyway so give them a little space and they will come to you.

If they can be trusted to stay out of trouble, take em to the mall.

Best comment.. it is difficult in winter but a real experience of any kind is going to be better then this plugged in state that they are in now. I like getting animals but the interest needs to be there and the commitment and that sounds like it would not work out for the animal. I have had bad experiences like this with men. Funny how I always thought truth and steady behavior is more important than any flight of fancy and devoted myself to marriage and kids but still lost in the end. It is like balance is not taught in life anymore. I took 10 years of Martial Arts training in the 90's and that did more for me AND the kids than any other mutual endeavor. BUT the husband didn't like it.. it challenged him because then it became obvious that the one out of balance was HIM. I AM very Spiritual and with everything going on right now a real focus should be on Spirituality. Send them some youtubes that talk about what is inside them.. what is their base.. even the teens could relate in some ways but FIRST make it YOUR way.. THE way.. and let them see the change in you..

I did this. They are both seeing a counselor now. The counselor and I met this week to discuss the situation. She said that both the girls are great kids, open and honest about their feelings.

I have been a single parent for many years after he left me.
Spending time watching shows is fine but try to plan an event, bowling, nice dinner, paint balling, or something fun, to do every few weeks.

Don't talk about their mom unless they bring it up, if they are complaining about her, let them vent, but don't feed into it either.
If what they say is true, then validate that, but don't allow them to berate or make personal attacks about her, as much as you would like to.

Ask them if they have anything they really want to do. Also if they want to bring a friend, let them, it's better you know their friends then to not know some low life druggy they may be hanging out with. At least then when you try talking to them about their choice in friends you can do it from an informed position.

You're girls are older which is nice. They really need to know you will be there for them. In just a few short years they will be 18 years old and need to start learning how to make decisions now. It's a process, they will make bad ones, provide quick repercussions, discuss how they could have made a better choice, and then let them make another.
Best wishes, not all women are bad, and not all men are bad, but the bad seems to be out numbering the good in both sexs.

That's funny, but a highlight of my teenagers' (12,13,14,15 years old) days were when we played board games together. They loved when their dad was home and participated. They still like board games and they're 40 and 45!

My mother's dating and re-marrying was a disaster when I was growing up. When my tween/teen kids were in this situation I decided to just wait and invest my time into them. Best thing I ever did. After all that was your posted question....What can you do to spend time with your kids? Mine are recently out of the house now, and I'm in a much better place to date and enjoy the process. Just starting to enter the dating world now and I have the time to really invest into that special person.

As for doing things with the kids, rotate making dinner choices with them and also have them choose something to do each week either cheap or free (City pages stuff if you live in a metro area)

My kids appreciated the time I invested in them rather than in another relationship. Good luck OP-

The only thing that poster has is full blown aids.

Find a way to soend some time outdoors, walking, hiking, biking, skating, take a camera and take pictures

Do unexpected things like eat dinner on a blanket on the floor like a picnic

Let them find some cook books and do some meal planning, then shop for ingredients and cook together

Find an organization that needs volunteers and do volunteer work together

Find an active church that has activities for teens like a youth group that travels and does volunteer work and parties together

Find a Venturing Crew ( through Boy Scouts) and check them out- they are co ed and do lots of adventure activities together like camping climbing hiking kayaking and you can get adult leader trained and help out

Scouts has been the best way for us to keep our teens into doing weekend activities other than hanging out at malls or with " friends"

Btw the girls are lucky to have you

Wall of text warning :)

That works for my children as well.
If you have ever noticed, after some children become adults and resent their parents, it's usually because their parents were simply not there. The parent's own self-interests took over the majority of the time.

What has worked for me, during these pre- teen and teen years, is cooking their fav foods, watching YouTube vids with them they like, expanding upon their interests with my own experiences, and sometimes just shutting my mouth and just listen to them. I let my girl play with my make-up (lol) and introduce older, cool music to my son who is getting into music again. The number of gaming vids I've watched...haha.

Since you have girls, maybe they're into make-up or arts/crafts. In which case, check out DIY projects for homeade soaps, lip balms, decorations for their room?

Even tho you may feel like you're being a drag, the mere fact you are sitting with them is being a present dad. You could be sitting in another room drinking, and watching war shows. Or at happy hours trying to hookup.

Yeah trips/new places is one thing they will remember when they get older.

If cash is tight, take them hiking, biking, go to a beach/mountain/lake/etc. weekend.

Sitting inside the house is probably no good.

BTW...
This positive, caring, interest attitude you have is already working toward a bigger potential problem to avoid when raising a girl:

DADDY ISSUES.

That psychological complex is quite damaging.

Thanks for the pin everyone!

This was the ticket.

It's hard to raise a family on one income this day and age. We had to make certain sacrifices so that my ex could stay at home with the kids. We never had the nicest house, or the fanciest clothes, or the newest cars. Only after she left me did she tell me that blatant materialism was important to her; that she wanted the new car and the beach house, and the white picket fence, and IKEA furniture.

Had I known that she was sold out on The American Dream (tm) like that, I would have suggested she needed to be working as well and the kids could go to public school.

But when she did go back to work, shortly before our breakup, I got reports from her employer that she was being excessively flirty with patients there at the chiro office... Fuuuuu...

Last Edited by TheBiss on 12/19/2015 02:43 PM