Scientists Warn All Plant Life Dying Within 30-Yard Radius Of Ted Cruz Campaign Signs

ITHACA, NY—Warning that the flora in the immediate vicinity withers and turns black at an alarming rate, scientists from Cornell University alerted the public Monday that all plant life within a 30-yard radius of each of presidential candidate Ted Cruz’s campaign signs is rapidly dying off.

“Within several hours of placing a ‘Cruz 2016’ placard into the ground, it appears that a fast-spreading blight begins to emanate outward in all directions from the sign, desiccating and destroying every blade of grass, flower, and tree in its path,” said researcher Martha Pastuck, adding that tests of the soil beneath the Ted Cruz yard signs revealed it to be highly acidic and often scalding to the touch.

[link to www.theonion.com]