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My NEW favorite...!

 
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My NEW favorite...!
Political Correctness:

A doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical liberal minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end.
"Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped."

--Elbert Hubbard, American writer and publisher
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Re: My NEW favorite...!
9 Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3 When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too".
Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4 When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is.
Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!

5 When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6 People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!' Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it 's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8 When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?".
If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?
"Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped."

--Elbert Hubbard, American writer and publisher
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11/29/2006 11:24 PM
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Re: My NEW favorite...!
Two gators were sitting at the side of the swamp near Washington, DC. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you kin be so much bigger n me. We're the same age, we was the same size as kids I just don't get it."

Well," said the big gator, "What you been eatin boy?"

"Politicians, same as you," replied the small gator.

"Hmm. Well, where do yall catch em?"

"Down to the side of the swamp near the parkin lot by the Capitol."

"Same here Hmm. How do you catch 'em?"

"Well, I crawls up under one of them Lexus and wait fer one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab 'em on the leg, shake the shit out of 'em, and eat 'em!"

"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. You ain't gettin' any real nourishment. -- See, by the time you get done shakin' the shit out of a Politician, there ain't nothin' left but an asshole and a briefcase."
"Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped."

--Elbert Hubbard, American writer and publisher
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Re: My NEW favorite...!
These Changing Times...

Scenario: Jack pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack.

1973 - Vice Principal comes over, takes a look at Jack's rifle, goes to his car and gets his to show Jack.

2006 - School goes into lockdown, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

++++++++++++++++++++++
Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.

1973 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends. Nobody goes to jail, nobody arrested, nobody expelled.

2006 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

1973 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by Principal. Sits still in class.

2006 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his father's car and his Dad gives him a whipping.

1973 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2006 - Billy's Dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. Billy's sister is told by state psychologist that she remembers being abused herself and their Dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some headache medicine to school.

1973 - Mark shares headache medicine with Principal out on the smoking dock.

2006 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Scenario: Mary turns up pregnant.

1973 - 5 High School Boys leave town. Mary does her senior year at a special school for expectant mothers.

2006 - Middle School Counselor calls Planned Parenthood, who notifies the ACLU. Mary is driven to the next state over and gets an abortion without her parent's consent or knowledge. Mary given condoms and told to be more careful next time.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.

1973: Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.

2006: Pedro's cause is taken up by state democratic party. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he can't speak English.

+++++++++++++++++++++
Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.

1973 - Ants die.

2006 - BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
"Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped."

--Elbert Hubbard, American writer and publisher
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Re: My NEW favorite...!
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy.

He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education than any cop from Texas. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense!!

Deputy says," License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What for?"

Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Deputy says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving tar out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"

lmao
"Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped."

--Elbert Hubbard, American writer and publisher
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11/30/2006 12:18 AM
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Re: My NEW favorite...!
Lonely Guy

A fellow checked into a hotel on a business trip recently and was a bit lonely so he thought he'd get one of those girls you see advertised in the phone books under "Escorts and Massages".

He opened the phone book to an ad for a girl calling herself Erotique,a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up. You know the kind. So he is in his room and figures, what the hell, he gives her a call.

"Hello?" the woman says. God she sounded sexy!

"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?"

She says, "That sounds fantastic ....but for an outside line you need to press 9".
"Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped."

--Elbert Hubbard, American writer and publisher
Nocturna

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11/30/2006 12:21 AM
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Re: My NEW favorite...!
LOL some of that is funny shit.
Elusive Wild Dingo
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11/30/2006 12:25 AM
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Re: My NEW favorite...!
lmao
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11/30/2006 12:30 AM
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Re: My NEW favorite...!
How Moses got the 10 Commandments.

God went to the Arabs and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.

The Arabs asked, "What are Commandments?"

And the Lord said, "They are rules for living."

Can you give us an example?"

"Thou shall not kill."

"Not kill? We're not interested."

God went to the Blacks and said, "I have Commandments."

The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Honor thy Father and Mother."

"Father? We don't know who our fathers are. We're not interested."

Then He went to the Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments."

The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said "Thou shall not steal."

"Not steal? We're not interested."

Then He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments."

The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shall not commit adultery."

"Not commit adultery? We're not interested."

Finally, He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments."

"Commandments?" They said, "How much are they?"

"They're free."

"We'll take 10."

There, that ought to offend just about everybody.

_________________________________________
"Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped."

--Elbert Hubbard, American writer and publisher
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Re: My NEW favorite...!
Without any paperwork, Grandpa started getting a $500 check every month. So Grandpa and Grandma started cashing them. It turns out an insurance company made a mistake with the address; the checks were intended for another person with the exact same name.

Grandpa then received a notice that he had to pay back $6,000. Visibly upset, he complained to his grandson, an accountant.

His grandson asked, "Grandpa, didn't you wonder why you were receiving checks for doing absolutely nothing?"

Grandpa answered, "I just figured the Democrats were back in power."
"Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped."

--Elbert Hubbard, American writer and publisher
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Re: My NEW favorite...!
This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.
"Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped."

--Elbert Hubbard, American writer and publisher
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Re: My NEW favorite...!
Cinderella is now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.

Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years"?

The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you.
Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:

"The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension .

Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother"

The fairy godmother replied, "It is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?" Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said,

"I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what shall it be?"

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man." Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological makeup that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life."

With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.

Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered... "Bet you're sorry you neutered me.
"Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped."

--Elbert Hubbard, American writer and publisher
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Re: My NEW favorite...!
Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a brunette, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, I just graduated from North Central Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."

They throw the switch and nothing happens.

They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a redhead, is strapped in and gives her last words, "I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."

They throw the switch and, again, nothing happens.

Again, they all immediately fall to their knees; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says,"Well, I'm from West Virginia University and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, y'all ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."
"Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped."

--Elbert Hubbard, American writer and publisher
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Re: My NEW favorite...!
The Pastor's Ass (Not as naughty as it sounds!)

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won, again.

The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

Alas, the Bishop was buried the next day.

MORAL OF THE STORY?

Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery and even shorten your life.

So, be yourself and enjoy life - stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll live longer and be a lot happier!
"Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped."

--Elbert Hubbard, American writer and publisher
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Re: My NEW favorite...!
Here is a riddle for the true intellectual. Try to come up with the answer on your own. The answer is at the end for those who are unable to think this one through.



At the exact same time, there are two 35 year old men on opposite sides of the earth:



One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers. The other is getting "oral pleasure" from an 85 year old toothless woman. They are both thinking the exact same thing .



What are they both thinking?



*

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Don't look down.

Don't look down.

Don't look down


"Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped."

--Elbert Hubbard, American writer and publisher





GLP