can we TALK??

You seem to be extremely bitter & angry over something as small as internet service. I know such things can be frustrating, but there's no need to make a mountain out of a mole hill, is there? You are also directing your anger towards others who are attempting to talk to you, just as you asked them to do in your first post. Perhaps you should rethink your delivery. No one wants to be your personal punching bag & most deserve better. Have you considered taking an anger management course or talking to a therapist about your anger? I'm thinking you'll likely have better results with a one on one type relationship.

friends can help in area i see peopl watch

somewher with good bathrooms & hostpital

No urgent care?

I thinking this bear country in wintertime up ther
but i have friend by place you know in name before
r

nervmind wheels in motion
now

Look, I do not mean to hurt anyone's feelings with my words. But when I am feeling this way inside, it has to come out. I don't do any physical harm to anyone, and I don't even know when I'm raising my voice, and cannot help crying in public sometimes even when I try not to and it embarrasses the fuck out of me..
and i really do not mean to lash out at people trying to help me.

but I was TERRIFIED and THREATENED at the only place I can get medical care from and that I have to go back to.

A place that is part of an organization that had done me harm in the past, deliberately and with malice.

and I need help, not gatekeepers, and not threats and not lectures.

and fucking frontiernet SUCKS THE BIG ONE BIGTIME.

just to have that human contact that is supportive ..

and the thing is, it SAYS I am getting and receiving tons of shit. but cannot even fucking see a youtube video..I mean SEE it when it is posted here, and cannot even do a simple engine search period, and can only come on glp becuse it's on the computer ..

and I am fighting an agoraphobic/panic attack so how the fuck can I even leave the house but I have to today.

to a place where i was threatneed last.

sometimes today. and

yeah. i'm alone and am going into ENEMY TERRITORY.

maybe. if i can leave the house today.

Who the *F* says? - the OP said that, twice in different ways:

it's just the DAY TO DAY SHIT

So take the silver spoon from me and shove it dumb ass.

When somebody makes a thread and says they need to talk, it's helpful to try and find out what the core of the problem is.

it's just having no support and always feeling judged and like i would do the wrong thing or being thought of as 'hysterical'..

and I DO have panic attacks..but it's not like this is my fault or it's something I can control and then it spirals because I get even more down on myself for feeling this way and not being able to do just the normal functioning day to day stuff that normal people can handle that send me into a total meltdown at times because i am not doing it right and have no help.

and the ironic part is..

if someone around me..or someone would talk to me and react the way I AM..

then I would not be reacting this way myself because someone else would be and i don't know how to explain it. but people being super calm and handling THEIR SHIT WELL

makes it all more worse for ME because I can't HANDLE MY OWN SHIT WELL

and it just makes it show up that much more how totally fucked up I am.

.

but if someone were to show some care and concern and emotion and feeling..

I wouldn't be spiraled out because I would know someone else feels too.

but as it is..

i am the only one.

calm people MAKE ME WORSE SOMETIMES BECAUSE IT FEELS LIKE THEY CAN'T RELATE OR UNDERSTAND AND DON'T CARE AT ALL BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT THERE WITH ME.

and i think calm people BLAME ME for not being able to be calm.

Please don't kill yourself.

Please don't kill yourself.

Please don't kill yourself.

Please don't kill yourself.

Please don't kill yourself.

Please don't kill yourself.

Please don't kill yourself.

Please don't kill yourself.

Please don't kill yourself.

Please don't kill yourself.

Please don't kill yourself.

Please don't kill yourself.

I'm not suicidal.

ok?

I'm depressed. I've been depressed. I am not going to harm myself.

I come here to EXPRESS MYSELF.

and get some support.

and believe it or not, it beats ANY 'mental health' treatment of any kind I have EVER received from any so called "VA mental health professional".

.

the thing that's difficult to do..is not the 'not harming myself'..

it's the simple day to day CARING FOR MYSELF.

and not that I am 'incompetent'. ok?

but there is a REASON I am considered "100% permanent and total".

.

even if there are some that probably think to this day I'm just "being hysterical and should get over it".


it means every day is a fucking struggle sometimes.

it means that a fucking embedded tick and internet provider/connection issues ..

feels like more than I can handle. simple fucking shit.

When I mentioned being *calm* when others are freaking out - I meant that's what happens to me when others are very upset, it just comes over me, calmer than normal. It doesn't mean I am calm about everything all the time. Believe me I can get quite hysterical and feel depressed at certain times in life.

It's a good thing for balance, one person is calm when another is melting down. I once stopped a man from going out and shooting this woman he was so furious at, because she was trying to get the government to shut down his orphanage. I am certain he would have done it had I not been there to influence him otherwise.

That is an extreme example but I don't think it helps to feed the despair, you know?

Anyway . . . hopefully today is a better day for you jesskeira!

:flutterbypc:

yes, it doesn't help to feed the despair. but if I know someone is empathizing with me, then it helps..and when someone is calm..they are feeling the exact opposite of what I am feeling..so how can they relate to me?

not that they feed my despair..or that they add to my spiral..but that they feel a bit of it so they understand me feeling the way i do. that's all..that would help.

but yeah..it does help to be told I am not alone. I know better, though.

it's just that the people in my life and experience that have done the most harm..have been the 'neutral/objective' so called people..but are in reality the worst monsters of them all.

I don't want my negativity to be fed into, no, but when there is no replacement emotion or feeling or reason to feel any other way and the only alternative is to be told to not feel at all and sometimes that's not even possible even if I would want it that way..

because I know feelings are so fucking MALIGNED.

but I think they are more important than they are given credit for.

Last Edited by JessKira Kadwalladyr on 04/06/2016 11:00 AM