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DHS Ordered Me to Scrub Conservatives From the Terrorist Watchlist! [Satire]

 
Cheyenne
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06/15/2016 06:14 PM
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DHS Ordered Me to Scrub Conservatives From the Terrorist Watchlist! [Satire]
Satire


And let me tell you, what a piece of work that was. Over 50 million profiles and dossiers of right wingers and conservatives in America.

It all started during the reign of that apple-shaped princess Janet Napolitano. Steve Bunnell, the chief lawyer for DHS, stopped by my office one morning. "The boss is pissed" he said into his coffee mug. "Sweet Janet found out about us pigeon-holing Constitutionalists as terrorists. You need to make those files go away - like Ollie North style. Understand?"

"But... but... these right wingers have been behind every major terrorist act since 9/11!" I protested.

"Whatever. Make it happen" Steve said as he spun on his heels to some high level meeting upstairs.

So I had some real work to do. We had gleaned millions of names from NRA and GOA membership lists, and the usual lists from the FBI of John Birchers, the Rabel-rouser Index and the like. Even the NSA chipped in a few million people.

Then there was the NICS database, which was supposed not to exist, but somehow we had a copy. A copy of every request to purchase a firearm since the NICS system started in 1998.

The DHS Intel Division had coughed up 8 million names of people who posted on websites like Godlike Productions - and anyone who dropped conservative viewpoints on Facebook or Disqus.

Overall, it was 500 Terabytes of priceless data. Photos, purchase histories, home and work locations, names of relatives and close associates. It filled up an entire server floor at DHS.

So, as CIO, I reluctantly gave the order to wipe the entire server farm. It took almost a week to do it.

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A few months later I discovered the server farm was full again! The TSA and DHS analysts were using it to store all the high-grade porn they were downloading at work...

Last Edited by Cheyenne on 06/15/2016 06:15 PM
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06/15/2016 06:21 PM
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Re: DHS Ordered Me to Scrub Conservatives From the Terrorist Watchlist! [Satire]
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06/15/2016 06:46 PM
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06/17/2016 02:03 AM
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