Crisis of Conscience. Mind of Matter type of discussion. GLP Please help me.

I've been pondering this question for many many years, it's very simple so let's just get right to it. Please tell me what you think, even if you think I am stupid or just doing this for attention or some kind of troll, I am a member of this community for many many years now and I won't get mad no matter what you say.



I feel I am one of those few in this world who is capable of doing almost anything, yet held back. A Jack of all Trades, Master of None. I always put other people ahead of me, I really don't know how to look after or out me very well. I just follow and go with the flow, like the feather in Forrest Gump. I've helped the world in ways nobody will ever know, I've left my mark, I've had children, I hope to be able to raise them further. I am neither happy nor sad, with very few exceptions. I've considered all possibilities and I just can't figure out this one simple question.

What do I want to do?

If you could do anything, if nothing could stop you, what would you want to do? I just think my expectations aren't that high, and are too high as well. I only want simple things, yet they seem so monumental and world wide. How can a concept like peace and communication be applied at the world level from an individual.

So I really don't know what I want to do, not to make me happy, because I am already happy and sad at the same time. I'm enjoying and hating this existence. I think if I write a book or a movie or say something monumental, something extraordinary, that it will cure the boredom. The constant need for stimulation that I have, my mind is racing and racing faster not slower after all these years. How can I focus unless it is important. So many competitions and if they mattered to me I always did well. If they didn't matter, I didn't care what the outcome was.

My greatest chess moves come when I am "This" close to losing. Then it all becomes clear and I see what I couldn't see but only sense before.

My suffering in this life has been so great, but I know there was a purpose for it. I'm trying to find my purpose, and so I need to know, what do I want to do? What will fulfill this craving, this eternal desire to be constantly motivated and entertained, to have my mind pushed to it's limits, to have my soul bend but not break. What has all of this been for if not for some grand design? What do I want to do!