It was five months ago. He was murdered at the age of 61. I've since sold my home and am living in a small rental. Most of my world possessions are in storage. I don't have the heart to sort through them.

My memory is extremely poor. I can tell that I am not right. I've lost 30 pounds and look 20 years older.

I was praying for my husband when he was shot. I loved him so very much and he loved me.

Where was God? How am I to ever pray again? How am I to ever trust God again?

I have a roomate in my home now who helps me get through the days. Without this roomate, I'd be in a psyche ward.

And yes, I'm seeking medical, psychiatric, spiritual help. The drugs just cloud my mind. The doctors says I'm in shock (Acute Stress Disorder) and will soon move into PTSD. The psychiatrist says I'm doing well. The psychologist may be outt of her depth on this one.

Every day of my life, I thanked God for my wonderful husband. I never ever took him for granted. Ever. I loved every thing about him.

Where is God? And how do I face the days?

Please, no flippant answers. I'm in deep pain, in a small rental home filled with boxes. I don't know where I'm going. I can't even think 10 minutes ahead without weeping.