I lost mt dad 5 years ago, I found out he had lung cancer in December and he died in march.

We were never close because I lived with mom after they divorced when I was 9.
I did get a bit closer back in thee 90-91 when I had no where to live and he let me stay with him.

I never showed emotion or anything because I thought that would make me look weak. I think the only time I told hi I loved him was the day before he died. I was visiting him and he was complaining he could not see his TV because his eyes were getting bad. The next morning I went and bought him a 50 inch TV. I was taking it to him and met a ambulance a block from his house and knew something had happened. He had died that night. I could not go to the funeral home and was able to stay at the funeral for less than 5 minutes before I had to leave. I think I cried for 24 hours. I wish I could yell you it gets better with time but for me it does not. I always associate Christmas with his death.