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I ALMOST PEED LAUGHING!!!

 
Faeluna
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User ID: 63199836
United States
01/08/2017 08:55 PM
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I ALMOST PEED LAUGHING!!!
HOW DO COURT RECORDERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES????
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

lmaololsigncruise
~I've noticed that everyone who is for abortion is already born~ Ronald Reagan

~Do what you feel in your heart to be right for you'll be criticized anyways~ Eleanor Roosevelt

~We live in a generation of emotionally weak people. Everything has to be watered down because it's offensive, even the truth~
fred also

User ID: 64194407
Australia
01/08/2017 09:01 PM
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Re: I ALMOST PEED LAUGHING!!!
real conversations !!
blink

Last Edited by fred also on 01/08/2017 09:03 PM
LTHN.

User ID: 73443493
Canada
01/08/2017 09:11 PM

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Re: I ALMOST PEED LAUGHING!!!
I read this a few years back, but still hilarious re reading this.
Thanks for the laughs !!
"A wise man listens to the message and uses his logic and discernment to process it, a fool negates the message by prejudging the messenger."

"He whose centre is everywhere and whose circumference is nowhere."
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 73749544
Dominican Republic
01/08/2017 10:28 PM
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Re: I ALMOST PEED LAUGHING!!!
For you, it was rehilarious.

Op- thnks for sharing....

applause
Faeluna  (OP)

User ID: 63199836
United States
01/08/2017 10:29 PM
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Re: I ALMOST PEED LAUGHING!!!
For you, it was rehilarious.

Op- thnks for sharing....

applause
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 73749544


~yw~ hf
~I've noticed that everyone who is for abortion is already born~ Ronald Reagan

~Do what you feel in your heart to be right for you'll be criticized anyways~ Eleanor Roosevelt

~We live in a generation of emotionally weak people. Everything has to be watered down because it's offensive, even the truth~
En'Kai Pan
User ID: 4959898
United States
01/08/2017 10:49 PM
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Re: I ALMOST PEED LAUGHING!!!
You warned me. I didn't pee but I have a serious cramp in my side from laughter being literally pulled from me without any surgical tools or anesthesia. Thank you.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 72150015
United States
01/08/2017 11:03 PM
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Re: I ALMOST PEED LAUGHING!!!
very funny. laughed out loud several times. thanks.
fred also

User ID: 64194407
Australia
01/09/2017 12:51 AM
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Re: I ALMOST PEED LAUGHING!!!
Laughter preconditions
The Brian
For happiness

ahhh
fred also

User ID: 64194407
Australia
01/09/2017 03:10 AM
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Re: I ALMOST PEED LAUGHING!!!
peepants
ShrekM8

User ID: 70077864
Ireland
01/09/2017 03:24 AM
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Re: I ALMOST PEED LAUGHING!!!
Started the week off with a good laugh. Thanks for that.
ShrekM8
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 29184782
United States
01/09/2017 03:43 AM
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Re: I ALMOST PEED LAUGHING!!!
I laughed so hard that my husband started laughing and he didn't even know why I was laughing. LOL
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 67536806
Ireland
01/09/2017 04:25 AM
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Re: I ALMOST PEED LAUGHING!!!
very funny. laughed out loud several times. thanks.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 72150015


Same here. thanks op, cheered me up on this cold miserable Monday morning.

hf
HellBilly7

User ID: 73465109
United Kingdom
01/09/2017 04:37 AM
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Re: I ALMOST PEED LAUGHING!!!
Good find op, made me chuckle, and at this early in the day they must be funny to get a reaction from me other than a grunt or uggh!!
Faeluna  (OP)

User ID: 63199836
United States
01/09/2017 04:38 AM
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Re: I ALMOST PEED LAUGHING!!!
Good find op, made me chuckle, and at this early in the day they must be funny to get a reaction from me other than a grunt or uggh!!
 Quoting: HellBilly7


haha...well I'm glad I could make you smile...enjoy your day! hf
~I've noticed that everyone who is for abortion is already born~ Ronald Reagan

~Do what you feel in your heart to be right for you'll be criticized anyways~ Eleanor Roosevelt

~We live in a generation of emotionally weak people. Everything has to be watered down because it's offensive, even the truth~





GLP