Isolated Christian

I have a question about being isolated as a Christian.

I will give this introduction:
I was never shy. I grew up constantly surrounded by friends and family and enjoying friendships and in public and the center of attention. Quiet moments were always pleasant. When I was in my teens I either had my friends around or I was quietly in my room imagining and thinking.

That was 25 years ago.
In the last 25 years, a divorce, many job changes, travelling, watching my brothers and sisters ruin their lives, a couple failed friendships with bad break ups, and now I find my self isolated and not really wanting to engage in relationships.

I am happy with my husband now. We are best friends. We include his side of the family in our life. They come around a few times a year for a few days and we always have a lot of fun. There are about 40 of us, his family and my sister and her husband and kids.
I have a few neighbors that come by here and there and I can usually put on a good attitude for a few hours. I go to church and always feel the love of Christ and enjoy being close to those people but also I internally know that I am an outsider.

I am best friends with my husband, and I absolutely adore him and love him but I have secrets from him too. I am a Christian, recently, and he is nothing. He grew up in a muslim country and associates himself as muslim but actually only in culture and not so much in religion. I have a huge prayer life with Christ and that has led to so many thinking changes, new thoughts, new remorse for seeing sin, new books and history and just a new more exciting way of thinking about life.
I cant really share any of those new 'Christian' life changes with him. I do and I can see that I lose his attention or he will look at me like he thinks I am delusional, which I am ok with but I am not able to share it with him and get his take on it...... Which bums me out , a lot. ( Side note, please all pray that my husband gets saved and follows Christ)

So I feel isolated.
The things I want to share, God, no one wants to hear. The things I don't care about ( my mom tried to tell me about the mall on an hour drive to Los angeles, but wouldn't have a conversation with me about anything biblical, and seemed board when I brought anything up).

I like the Church I go to, I think the young group is very well intentioned but they are constantly in Sin. The drummer was having a prem-marital relationship and the pastor told me he was ok with it because he would rather have him here in the church then out in the world...... Which I get but you cannot have someone in blatant sin leading anything in the church- The Bible seems pretty clear on some of those things..... They are doing great things in the community and I think they have really good hearts and hearts for God, but because of a few things, I don't trust them with spiritual advice .......

My husband has his friends and their families over all the time. Sometimes they travel so they spend the night. But...... They are ALL muslim and so I find myself always on my best behavior and always trying to find ways to witness to them and find ways to talk about Christ.

So I find myself isolated. I cannot be 100 % Truthful to my husband, I don't have trust in my church to be accountable to them, I am not myself around my husbands friends, I find myself doing the same with the neighbors, and even my friends that are not saved........

I just heard a sermon and it was talking about how Sin likes you isolated so you can justify it and accept it and not be accountable to anyone....... I am cautious that I need people and God says go out and make disciples so I cant just sit at home but I don't really want to either...... Help!

With all the insane trouble I have had with people my whole life, I think I got depressed and gave up. I don't know how to find joy in their relationships anymore. With the exception of my husband, I dread encounters with other people. I love being here , alone, and praying for them all. I always truly Hope that God saves them, that he blesses them and that he protects them, but I am happier alone than I am with them.


Am I a monster? Am I just judging them? Am I afraid that they wont like me? Etc..etc...