I never really "loved", myself as I always put myself last in favor of others; actually, not even sure what the emotion of "love" means. Didn't really have a life conducive to the development of that emotion(as a child, even though by birth I tend to be hypersensitive, because of life experiences became something of a schizoid. Only felt loneliness once in my life while in college, after I got too used to associating with classmates that I actually enjoyed being around. Class changes ended our lunches together, sat down on the first day of the new semester to eat alone, and for a brief moment it "hit me", so I stopped overly associating with others after that, while I felt something slice inside of me, severing that emotion.).

Some of my neighbors I can't stand(always causing drama and trouble, taught me the Biblical truth of why one shouldn't associate with heathens), but I would never give them bad counsel, or lie to them. As for God, sometimes I get frustrated with things, but in my heart, there is still care for HIM, and I try to stay mindful of HIS Way's, even if I sometimes fall short, but I suppose, especially in those times.

As for other Christian's, never really met any of them. I mean, I see no difference between "Christian's" and heathens, as the world seems to love them with a passion, and hate me with even greater zeal.

In many instances, it all makes me mourn my conception, which, makes it a lie to worship God. At first, that thought, I thought was something from my own head, but listening to the Epistles of John(never really did that before last night), and it is a Biblical truth. It seems, most of the Word, existed in my heart, before I even read the Bible.

So, all this stuff is incredibly hard and bitter at times, and leaves me kind of lost/exhausted, when dealing with those who do not know what it is like to be thoroughly hated for no good or just, reason.