You're obsessed. If he wanted you, nothing would keep him from getting you. Like you feel. He doesn't feel that.
What if you only want him because you're still being a "selfish bitch", as you described yourself, and you only want what you can't have. Subconsciously, it's eating you up inside, playing out in your dreams. Sounds like you already have a powerful spirit guiding you. Keep your demons on a leash. You need to work on giving freely to others, expecting nothing in return... Then all will return to you as it should be. Good luck.